User:Chakraist/Australia Does Not Exist
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Australia Does Not Exist
“Don't ever say I didn't tell you so.”
“I didn't un-not say I never didn't tell you so!”
Australia does not exist. When I went there, it most certainly did not. Even my bitch of an ex-wife agrees with me, and she lives there. However, it is common consensus that Australia does exist, and is a country that encompasses a land mass of approximately 3 billion square miles, and even has its own capital city, although this is debatable. Not many of these self-proclaimed 'Australians' know what it is. Regardless of what they believe, it is my responsibility as an Uncyclopedian to debunk this myth once and for all.
But, what about Neighbours!?
Neighbours isn't real. Not, not real in the sense that Eastenders isn't real, not real in the sense that all the actors are lizards. So, you could say that it's a little like Brookside. We all know Liverpool doesn't exist as well, and that The Beatles were actually beetles, in a clever double-bluff.
I want some real proof.
Okay, okay. Let's put this to logic.
Neighbours is an 'Australian' soap, shown on the BBC. The next point is that the BBC is British. Why would a so-called 'Australian' show be shown on a British television network? This clearly makes no sense, and is irrefutable proof that Neighbours does not exist. We can see further evidence in the daytime slot that the BBC airs Neighbours on. 13:00 hours, correct? That means that it would air in Australia (were it to exist) at 23:00 hours, which is way after the Australian watershed, which currently resides at 15:30 hours. You can expect only pornography after these hours. It was the highlight of my trip there. Honestly, you should go. The number of tissues I used when my wife left me, man, my living room looked like Santa's grotto, all snowy and white and shit. The fact that I'm a fat, bearded man I think only added to the effect.
But, I swear I've seen Kylie Minogue before, she's real, right?
Wrong. Kylie Minogue is a hologram. I saw her once, and it was in the UK, in London. Why would a woman supposedly from Australia be in the UK? Australia didn't have aircraft, or ships when I went. I had to construct my own flying machine just to get there, out of packing tape and marzipan. When I stayed in Australia, there was not one mention of Kylie, and oddly enough, all the shows on television were either American or British. I stayed for three years and one failed marriage, and there was not one mention of Kylie. Although my ex-wife never used to let me watch television. Man, I miss that bitch. She left me for a trucker. He soon learned though, not to fuck with me. Yeah, I did it. I kicked the fuck out of his dog, and huffed the shit out of his cat. You should have seen his face. I mean, they weren't his dog or cat, but he sure was scared. You should've seen his face.
I can imagine.
Yeah, man, that guy must still be having nightmares. I hope he is. I still have nightmares. Have you ever woken up to find a 300lb trucker leaning over you, with his balls on your face? You have? Have I seen you in group? No? Anyway, the point is that that bitch left me, I left the country and here I am, bitter as could be, typing out this article with one hand, while I masturbate furiously with the other to the HowTo:Get Downs Syndrome article. That kid just does it for me.
Some people say it's wrong, I say it's all relative, y'know? It's like my wife always used to say, 'Get a fucking job, you lazy fat bum.' Her love for me was like the momentary remorse one feels after crushing a snail. But, at least I still got her wisdom with me.
Still in that first stage of grief?
Which one's that, anger? Even though I'm in therapy, that's no reason to believe that Australia exists. Like, I said, when I went there, it certainly didn't. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have some more articles to read.