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The University High School, UHS or Uni High is a fucking high school located in Malborn, 'Straya. Home to a population of over 1 student(s), it is one of the highest-scoring state schools in Australia. Other than that it is just a hole. UHS has legendary music and mathematicics programs, and every year it produces some of Victoria's finest musicians and scientists.

Once per year, it spews out a massive volume of super-heated water.


History of the school

In the beginning gosh created the universe. Shortly thereafter UHS was also created. But, gosh made a mistake, he put it in carlton. Two score later it was helicoptered into parkville by kangaroos.


In 1910, the "University Practising School" was opened in a former primary school on the corner of Lygon and Lytton Streets, Carlton.

A "University High School" already existed, it was a private catholic school. It kept this name despite heavy persuasion on the part of the "University Practising School". In 1913, it changed its name to the "University High School" after the closure of the private school.


The school caters for approximately 1,250 students, most of whom reside in the local area. A proportion of the school's enrolment comes from further a field, either to participate in special programs like music, the Acceleration Program or as a result of sibling claims. The population is socio-economically, culturally and ethnically diverse. University High School is successfully doing everything in its power to reduce the variability in these areas, to a more acceptable asian dominated population.

During World War 2, the U.S. Army set up a camp on the school oval. Additionally, 500 extra students from MacRob transported to UHS for schooling as their buildings were also seized by the military. The hostage and rape counts for those years sky-rocketed.

The recent completion of the $AUD 700 upgrade of the school facilities was completed in 1997. The school experienced major disruption and change during the previous years through dislocation of classes and staff.

The Sufferring

The Sufferring is a traditional practice experienced by all attending students. It is passed to students by teachers and then from those students onto others. It is a circular process. The ring itself is heavy and crushes the weaker students. It is for this reason that graduates are both few and far between.

School structure

The school is structured within a 7 - 10 diagonal sub-school framework and a VCE sub-school, consisting of years 11, 11.5 and 12. This diagonal structure does not extend to the delivery of curriculum which is based on a hyperdimensional year level program. The Head of the Bryce VCE sub-school works with a team five sub-school Co-ordinators and with the Work Education Co-ordinator.

The Diagonal Framework

The diagonal framework is bounded in the sense that it is able to map bounded sets of students to bounded sets of universities. This allows to define its norm in the form of an VCE-ENTER transformation. The sum and the composition of two continuous binary linear diagonal operators is again continuous, linear and diagonal. For y (an arbitrary student) in H (the body of students), the map that sends x (average academic performance of y) to <y, Ax> is linear and continuous, and according to the Riesz representation theorem can therefore be represented in diagonal form.

This defines another continuous linear operator A star : HH, the adjoint of A. The set L(H) of all continuous diagonal academic operators on H, together with the detention and suspension operations, the norm and the adjoint operation, forms a diagonal algebraic framework; in fact, this is the motivating prototype and most important example of diagonal academic acceleration. An element A of L(H) is called self-adjoint or Hermitian if A star is indeed A.


The University High School is divided into 10 sectors: West, North, South, East, Music, Hall, Gymnasium, Quadrangle, Oval and GTAC.

The North building

The North building was constructed in 1930, during one of Melbourne's most severe depressions. Because of this, no additional facilities were constructed and therefore assemblies were held in other venues. The north building has four levels, and contains the rooms numbered 100 through 499.

Stella Langford Music Wing

The Music Wing was developed, planned, constructed and funded by ex-students and ex-teachers, including Mrs. Stella Langford and Mr. J. Economo.


G.T.A.C. stands for Adenosine Guanosine Cytidine Thymidine (the founder was dyslexic). It is a building made entirely out of nucleic acid. Inside, students are kicked out into the alley. It is restricted to the people who funded it, although this is made up for by really humorous signs on the toilets.


Most of the oval is uninteresting: grass, basketball courts, a cricket pitch and some lunch tables.

But at either end of it lies two unusual stone protrusions; these are in fact portals to the underground carpark and people can be seen coming out of them regularly, looking confused and wondering why they are suddenly in a schoolground.

A portion of the grass is annually burned away chemically due to Muck-up day.


Wrigley (1910-1914)

Mr. A. Wrigley changed the name of the "University Practising School" to "University High School", then abandoned principalship to become an investigator. Legend has it, he solved many crimes.

Sharman (1915-1941)

Mr. Matthew Stanton Sharman was regarded as a fine scholar, an excellent teacher and a mediocre musician. Sharman established the original system of houses, then named after members of the school's community who died in World War 1. He also wrote the school song.

Brookes (1941-1951)

Mr. L. R. Brookes succeeded in managing the school through its darkest years of World War 2. Brookes established the school newspaper, "Ubique" in 1946. He also personally recaptured the oval from the U.S. Army. He resigned in 1951 and died from illness (uteral infection) in early 1952.

Harrison (1950-1951)

Mr. E. Harrison took over many of Brookes' duties in the later years because Brookes was suffering serious health problems and menstruation during this time.

Chapman (1952-1960)

Mr. R. E. Chapman is remembered as a man of vigorous personality. He did much to improve the reputation of the school during his 8 years in principalship. Fortunately for the school, his leadership coincided with a surge in incoming immigrants.

He later died of an unidentified illness in 1959, he ruled for another year but was then compelled to resign due to excessive decay.

Williamson (1969-1972)

Mr. G. M. Williamson resigned due to ill health in 1972.

Hayter (1972-1972)

Mr. G. Hayter changed much of the schools unseen organisational framework, he also postulated the diagonal framework structure above. During his short time as principal, he contracted a serious illness that eventually resulted in his retirement from life in 1975.

Clark (1972-1985)

Mr. J. E. Clark managed the additional junior years well enough that they became a permanent addition to the school's infrastructure. Clark also successfully battled various illnesses throughout his 13 years of rule. In 1985, however, he developed spinal coiling and was forced to resign.

Bryce (1986-1996)

Mr. P.D.A. Bryce was an ex-student and ex-teacher from UHS. During his leadership, the dungeon carpark was built underneath the school's oval. Bryce planned for major refurbishments of the existing buildings, a project totalling $AUD 700. After completing VCE, he resigned from principalship and begun an arts degree at Melbourne University.

Valente (1997-cur.)

Ms. B. Valente is the current principal of UHS. She is the first female principal, breaking boundaries in UHS' previously considered patriarchal heirarchy. During her reign, student lycanthropy suspiciously skyrocketed. Valente also organised the construction of the controversial GTAC building, which was finished in 2005.



The University High School is fervently dedicated to equal opportunity for some. Students are of both genders and both sexualitys, ethnicitys, socio-economic statuses, geographic locations or abilitys. UHS selects students based on a number of schemes:

  • Brain Mass

A simple surgical procedure can determine the success of applicants.

  • Siblings

Candidates with 15 or more siblings gain instant access thanks to the UHS acceleration program.

  • Blowjob

Generally performed by the parents on the Principal or the Bursar.


The University High School consists of a green shirt and black pants, this is for camouflage when students are lurking in the park smoking weed or waiting to mug passers by. Optional extras include a chastity belt and nipple clamps. n

Notable alumnys

School war-cry

U-H, U-H, U-H-S

The school's war-cry is enthusiastically chanted both at interschool sporting competitions and before and after examinations. It is suggested that it the reason for the schools success in such events.

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