“In the late 1700s, mad science was suffering under persecution the likes of which had not been seen in weeks. ...The previous record holder for "worst persecution in Europe" dates back to the dark days of the Polish Inquisition, who sought to burn people at a solar-powered stake, and drown people in a ducking stool with a screen door.” ~ Saint Frankenstein's Day
20:30, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" (Oh God, first the nigger vandal returns, and then you're ugly ass shows up again to "torment" us with your worthless crap. You need to kill yourself as well.)
20:31, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" (No, really. Tie a noose, put it around your head, hang yourself. Simple.)
20:32, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (Yeah, yeah, we know already, you little crybaby. What did we ever do to you? Oh, wait, all you can do is cry and moan and make pages with periods and then blank them. Speech is beyond you, I guess.)
20:33, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) protected "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!" [create=sysop] (indefinite) (And I've never been more serious about this whole suicide thing. I've been reluctant to tell you people to do so in the past, but I really don't care anymore. It's not like you're really going to do it. I'm sure you're having a blast doing this every day.)
20:37, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNNEWS SUCKS!" (I'm sure you're not as much of a lower life form as I think you are. You just love doing this, knowing how much it irritates us. Me especially, as I'm the only one willing to type out messages this long in response.)
20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" (I wonder what else you'll come up with. Are you just going to keep adding exclamation points? You must be one of the angriest people on the planet or something. You're worse than Idi Amin and God combined.)
20:40, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!" (And I'm sure shit like this has been done before. Originality certainly is dead. I mean, can you get any lamer?)
20:42, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" (But really now, what if nobody deleted this shit? What if we let you and the nigger vandal just do what you always do? Would you assimilate the website so it's all the same shit? OH! What if you two got into a conflict?! That would be comedy bronze!)
20:43, 16 May 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) huffed "Talk:UNCYCLOPEDIA SUCKS!!!!!!!!!" (God, just imagine you two going at it, two little twats who think they're the rebellious type going at it, with.....with......oh man....)
Those of you who aren't still reeling from the ingenuity and wit contained in the title for this story are just the kind of humour-hating Nazis who are killing this place, one "witty" article at a time, who will, naturally, have noticed that the logo has undergone a design change. This change came after several of our power hungry administrators noticed the shadowing on the old logo. Not noticed the shadowing on the old logo yet? Well head straight to the image page and look at the shadowing on the old logo. We here at the UnSignpost are utterly gobsmacked that we lived and indeed loved alongside such shoddy work, just look at the shadowing! The more you look the angrier you become; it's incredible, just what the hell was Rcmurphy thinking when he created the shadowing on the old logo!?
Of course this is all untrue, the old logo is basically fine but the new one suggests that we aren't all the ten-thumbed Orangutans that <insert name here> is and that we might know something about cricket and opera. In other words, its beauty and three dimensions hide the depressing truth and, according to Dr. Skullthumper, will probably cure AIDS and bring peace to the Middle-East as well. The creator of the brand new logo is none other than Lyrithya, who wasn't available for comment at the time of going to press, but would probably would want to say something about how she owes everything to ChiefjusticeDS. A quick scan of the forum reveals only one forum topic about the new logo, making it about ten times more popular than Wikia and Jesus combined.
The other interesting development is also the development of some kind of new skin for the wiki which is presently being flaunted on a forum and on your gadgets page where you can tick a box to experience it for yourself, just like voting really. This is once again courtesy of Lyrithya, someone who just doesn't take "Meh" for an answer.
The general opinion of the community regarding these changes is difficult to gauge, especially if you don't read any of the forum topics. Speaking anonymously, Mhaille expressed doubts about Vector, stating that the changes were "Only skin deep," but said that any discussion over which was better was "Just plain racist".
Those of you who have heard of Rate Your Admins (or RYA if you wear sunglasses inside) need not read this story; simply scroll back to the top, read the right hand column and ask again just how does that sexy admin do it. Which segues us neatly onto the thrust of this story: Frosty has revived the original RYA, a system by which users would give the active admins a score out of ten on various categories and then the admins would have a reason to get up the next day. The new system is very similar to the old one, exactly the same, some would say, and all it needs is your contribution. The UnSignpost spoke to Sockpuppet of an unregistered user about RYA and he said "I once killed a man," but don't let that put you off; he's actually really well-adjusted.
Voting couldn't be simpler. You just go to the page of the relevant admin and then you click edit (with us so far?) then you put zero in every box and press save. Don't worry; the chances of them knowing where you live are extremely remote so it's literally consequence-free, almost.
23:49, May 31, 2011, Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (it takes a certain talent to write that much about someone who apparently sucks so badly)
12:38, May 26, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (I'd ask you to cease all twattery but then you'd have nothing to do all day.)
03:15, May 30, 2011 Dr. Skullthumper (Talk | contribs) blocked Frosty (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a gomphog (Stealing Gomphog's subpages. Reportedly.)
07:12, May 30, 2011 Lyrithya (Talk | contribs) blocked Tayythunder (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Blanker: Being racist against templates...)
15:21, May 27, 2011 MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 hour (Take a break and read HTBFANJS Just calling everyone gay is... Gay? Be more creative eh?)
13:43, June 1, 2011 Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) resurrected Zombiebaron (Talk | contribs) (Being Zombiebaron a little bit too much)
Biopic of the Week
Now I don't know about you, but Cat the Colourful is a name I have seen quite a lot, but in the same way I see grass quite a lot. What I mean by this is that he/she/it is always there, pottering away in the background. While everyone else fights and brawls over the correct font for the main page, Cat the Colourful is there voting on an article, making thoughtful additions to an article, uploading pictures of rabbits killing themselves and generally being helpful.
This is the part of the biopic where I normally complain about the users annoying habits, and this week is no exception; you know what I really hate about Cat the Colourful? It's his signature, there's a picture in it and colours. A stupid username about being a colourful cat with colours in it? His signature should be black, that would be funny because it isn't colourful at all! No? Well con-cat-ulations Cat the Colourful... I'M WITTY DAMMIT!
From the Editor
Every week we receive literally no feedback on the UnSignpost. But last week Lollipop complained that we had not covered all the big news of the week. So, in order to please him and his imaginary friend Alex, Tom Mayfair and MrN9000 have also made edits to the wiki after not doing so for a while. I hope that satisfies Lollipop in the way a woman never will... for free at least.
As December dawns, the UnSignpost can only reflect on what has been an eventful year. Or rather we would if the reflections on this year weren't all about poo, bacon and Lyrithya... FOR THE SECOND YEAR IN A ROW. The UnSignpost would like to remind all users that there is only a month left before the annual Cabal broadcast absolutely nothing happens. The reflections must be completed or the world might end. If there were a cabal watching, Socky and Roman Dog Bird adding reflections about their strange depraved fantasies and bowel movements in the early hours of the 3rd of January would upset it no end.
The Aristocrat's Turkey Day Ball ploughs onward, amassing entrants in all categories, to Mhaille's undoubted delight. While Mhaille was not available for comment, we were able to sit down with Lyrithya who just happened to be in the lobby complaining that she has not been in the UnSignpost enough over the last few weeks. What comment would she make? What fabulous insights would she reveal? "What Turkey Day Ball?" asked Lyrithya. This was deeply concerning on two levels, firstly because Lyrithya is judging the title category, and secondly because she said it to a hat stand about 4 feet to our reporter's left. Leaving Lyrithya to continue her tense negotiations with the hat stand about getting a job with computers, we moved on to interview Zombiebaron, who commented, "Zombiebaron", as usual.
The annual Mince Pie eating competition started on ChiefjusticeDS's talk page on Tuesday, two days early, because he's impatient as well as being fat and lazy. All users are invited to join in and attempt to match Under user's astonishing work scoff rate. Oliphaunte has also come up with a brand new feature for the UnSignpost to further the relentless search for filler material. He proposes a Question and Answer section where you, the users, ask the UnSignpost a question and then we put it in the right hand column with a scathing and witty reply. Obviously such a plan requires questions, and therefore, if this sounds like your sort of thing, ask some questions. It's for a good cause.
VFS has also concluded. As you read this splendid periodical the results are known, however due to our lack of a time machine and the injustice of the world in general we do not know as we are writing this now. Our experts have looked at the vote and, after much deliberating, tea drinking and "Please stop holding me prisoner"-ing they concluded that there could be several outcomes, which further lead us to conclude that we should have captured some better experts. You'll have to wait until next week for the scoop on the new admins, which should please Black flamingo11 as he hates being in the UnSignpost; the illusive flamingo had this to say to the UnSignpost this week: "The horse porn is in the house; why would I throw it out?". Don't look at us, you voted for him.
Hugely important happening stuns Uncyclopedia; no one cares
This week a bolt of lightning apparently emanating from Wikia struck Uncyclopedia in a sustained manner, singeing eyebrows and back-hair from the United Kingdom all the way to that iota-sized island which Frosty calls "home". What was this scintillating stroke of... of... scintillation? Why, a mighty arbiter of Wikia was perturbed from her perch by the screams of the tortured mortals long enough to, as she put it, "blackmail a techy" into granting Uncyclopedians that boon for which they had clamoured for literally a couple of days: new namespaces.
Yes, you asked for it, and now you've got it: those heretofore-faux namespaces, including HowTo, Why?, and that incredibly popular mainstay of Uncyclopedia, UnDebate, are now actual namespaces. According to several people who understand the full implications of this, having namespace-specific stuff will potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with. Said designated Uncyclopedia scapegoat Lyrithya: "Having namespace-specific stuff could potentially make the entire thing a lot easier to deal with."
When the news of the blessed event was heard, there was shouting, jubilation, gunshots, and widespread looting, and that was just Roman Dog Bird. Uncyclopedian-extraordinaire Zombiebaron, taking a couple of seconds off from his normal endeavours attempting to fit all of Uncyclopedia onto VFD, was heard to shout his own name in an uncharacteristically-ebullient manner.
Extravagant fame-whore Bizzeebeever, the author of the forum topic which started it all, spoke from his 15,000-room palace constructed entirely from mirrored pianos: "Of course, no one man can take credit for this," he said, flinging the end of a tie-dyed feather boa over his shoulder, "it was truly an achievement made possible by the work of multitudes. Anyone who notices the massive groundswell of changes should especially thank Lyrithya for her ceaseless work on the site." He also went on to thank Sannse for her munificence and benevolence, as well as the small pile of ashes which, we presume, is all that remains of the "techy" whom Sannse "blackmailed", and, lastly but not least-ly, Zombiebaron... for "being such an incredible pile of 'Zombiebaron'."
14:17, November 29, 2011 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 months (Monumental Wang, and not in a good way)
23:20, November 28, 2011 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 month (go back to whatever foreign place you probably come from)
22:04, November 26, 2011 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked Lingling513 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (If all pony fans were like you, I would have never watched it. Thank God shitheads like you only make up a small part of the fan base. The new episode blew, but it was funnier than your shit article.)
22:02, November 29, 2011 ChiefjusticeDS (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 3 Days (WE COULD JUST DELETE EVERYTHING EXCEPT FOR A TEMPLATE AND IT WOULD BE BETTER! I'M QUITE LIVID AT MYSELF FOR HAVING NOT THOUGHT OF IT!)
03:45, November 27, 2011 Sockpuppet of an unregistered user (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 5 hours (You're right, I'm so much better than you because I'm an admin. Also, try to familiarize yourself with apostrophes.)
Biopic of the Week
Is it a bird? Is it a plane? NO! It's Xamralco! It has taken us five whole months to biopic him, and now we're going to do it without insulting him once! KIDDING! Xamralco slimed his way onto Uncyclopedia, as slime creatures will, through a carelessly open downstairs window in late June of this year. Having slimed his way in, Xamralco thought to himself, "What could a useless slime beast such as I contribute here?" While he was deciding, he wrotefourfeaturedarticles and won writer of the month and the Best Rewrite category of the most recent Poo Lit Surprise. Naturally, what the people want to know is: When exactly is Xamralco going to do something useful? When will he stop resting on his laurels and actually get down to work?
Strangely, for a slime beast, his talk page is full of him being thanked, making witty banter and generally taking part. What a slimy bastard. I shall smite him, and his slime. Well done Xamralco, now get to work or get out.
There’s nothing I enjoy more than long walks on the beach. Some of my other hobbies include watching the sunset from a picturesque grassy knoll, indulging in fine wine with a scrumptious foie gras dinner, and candlelight conversations on French film. But I think you'll agree that nothing is quite as sexy as me taking a long walk on the beach.
Me with my salon-fresh sandy blonde hair flowing in the breeze (courtesy of Tina; you're a miracle worker, honey!) and a sporty J.Crew sweater tied casually around my waist, lobbing a stray Frisbee back at some snot nosed little urchin. You'll see me on the coast looking pensively out at the sea, reflecting back on all of the endearing little things I did that week.