User:Cajek/faves/norandom

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Oscar
“Oscar Wilde's wit is as sharp as a bandsaw and twice as insightful.”
~ Oscar Wilde


Velociraptor
“Check it out... see that? The Dilophosaurus is missing. He's eating a fat guy who pressed a fucking button. That's why you don't press the fucking buttons.”
~ Jurassic Park


Tompkin drunk graph
“Type V Error: You have no fucking idea what you're doing, do you?”
~ Statistics


Secureps0
“A Pathological Liar, seen here after working all night on the Constitution going on a binge of crack cocaine and telling an especially juicy lie.”
~ Sociopath


Velociraptor
“In the old days you used to be able to fuck pretty much anything you fancied, unless of course it was a dinosaur.”
~ Gay


Word
“Words that sound similar are dangerous enough; Words that sound identical are even worse.”
~ Homophobia


Wolver1
“This is a normal badger, not a proto-badger. LEARN THE DIFFERENCE or don't come crying to me when your yams are missing!”
~ Non sequitur


Velociraptor
“Dinosaurs were the original owners of the planet Earth, but sold it on a whim to Earth's current inhabitants for a bag of magic beans.”
~ Dinosaur


Hs door
“Ask your closet what type of closet it is. If it answers with "I'm the only type of closet that can understand questions, and respond to them," then you're in luck. You can then converse with your closet.”
~ Why?:Are there voices coming from the closet?


Book of moron
“At its very surface...”
~ Shrek


Threepio
“C-3PO, a character from the Star Wars universe, is some sort of wonderful mechanical man.”
~ C-3PO


TicklingoftheDamned2
“If you strike me down I shall become more dead than you can ever imagine.”
~ Captain Obvious, {{DYKdb}}


Son giving parents a gift
“If your parents do not have any children, there is a 100% chance that you won't have any either.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


TRBBTDDA
“He who laughs last will probably be an evil maniac with his finger on a large red button.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Bayeux all your base
“You have partial custody and may see your base on weekends.”
~ All Your Base Are Belong To Us


Politics blow
“At four o'clock, all the honest politicians will shrink down to two feet.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


SexSymbol
“life is a sexually transmitted disease with a 100% fatality rate.”
~ Life


Ανεγκυκλοπαίδεια-wiki
“Does ye have yon time?”
~ HowTo:Speak Foreign


Grass555
“I wish my grass was emo so it would cut itself.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Cleanser
“It's beddy-bye time! Only replace "beddy" with ethnic and "bye" with cleansing.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


BRAINONDRUGS
“The part of my brain that allows me to experience happiness was returned to me. The part that remembers who stole it in the first place is still missing, though.”
~ Forum:Village Dump


Sound-of-music
“Did you know that the hills are alive with the sound of music? ...and that if you stop singing you're committing murder?”
~ {{DYKdb}}


McGruff
“Dectective Dawg knows what you did last summer - went to the beach... In Murderville!”
~ HowTo:Commit the Perfect Murder


McGruff
“It was Lee Harvey Oswald, I swear.”
~ The Man On The Grassy Knoll on committing the Perfect Murder


AverageOC house
“When it says 'Do not try at home', it actually means 'Do not try this at all'”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Secret Door
“Despite the invention of the doorbell, knock-knock jokes have yet to be replaced by ding-dong jokes”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Contraption
“Heavier-than-air flying machines are impossible.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


God2
“Shalom is one of the names of this big beardy dude who lives upstairs, who a lot of Hebrew speakers know, and many of them are a bit scared by him.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Amy chase
“Hollywood has only actually filmed one chase scene, and they simply reuse it over and over”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Heart
“It is better to have loved and lost than to find yourself living with a psycho for the rest of your life”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Vinegar
“While love is stronger than hate, both are actually weaker than vinegar”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Wheelchair
“Crutches are like funny anecdotes, while wheelchairs are like sad stories”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Examplehttp-tom and jerry guns

Did you know that violence is not the answer?

  • ...but it gives you time while you figure out the answer?
  • ...but it's a lot of fun?
  • ...but it brings up plenty of new and interesting questions?
  • ...unless your question is "What sells a PG-13 film?"
  • ...I just got it wrong on purpose?

{{DYKdb}}

Ανεγκυκλοπαίδεια-wiki
“We speak 200,000 languages! ...Granted, we may not actually understand 199,985 of them, but as long as there's an online text translator somewhere, we will ensure that all native speakers of Braille, 1337, Kenny McCormick and Beatboxing are able to loosely comprehend at least a few of our articles.”
~ Uncyclopedia:10 things you did not know about Uncyclopedia


Money
“The only thing money can't buy is poverty.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Unnews taxes
“Intestinal parasites CAN'T be claimed as dependents on your federal income tax return.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Hs door
“I wasted the first 45 minutes of my hour typing about why "noses" were coming from the closet.”
~ THE on Why?:Are there voices coming from the closet?


Orange Kitten
“Iddy biddy's name is Kitty Carlisle? Dittum's is fluffy wuffy dipsy so lala cute!”
~ Cute


Canadian flag
“a Canadian who doesn't play hockey is like an American who doesn't stereotype people from other countries.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Burnination
“If a header does not already exist for this day, please create one. If this day does not exist, don't bother.”
~ QVFD


Harrison ford
DR. KIMBLE, STOP! --Cajek

I DIDN'T KILL MY WIFE!!! --Boomer

BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE THE BLOODY GUN? --Cajek

BECAUSE I WAS BUSY KILLING THE WHORE NEXT DOOR! --Boomer

BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE THE BLOODY SUICIDE NOTE?? --Cajek

BECAUSE I... what? --Boomer

BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE THE BLOODY FOOTPRINT??? --Cajek

I... buh... just... what? --Boomer

BUT WHY DID YOU HAVE THE BLOODY FOON???? --Cajek

I DON'T KNOW!!!! I just don't know. I'm sorry. So sorry... --Boomer

DRain Dr.No
“Maybe, but his spirit keeps clogging the drain.”
~ Boomer @ User talk:Unknown user


Redlight
“I swear to the court for mercy on his gajyeoohdo my cruel before, fine, go if you want to create a conflict that green flowers are pieot before!”
~ User:Cajek/Red light, translated into Korean and back again


Troll doll
“I can count the number of trolls who actually read the site's contents on no hands - partly because there are none and partly because I don't need to count on my hands.”
~ UN:DENY


Crazyhorse
“I voted against, and now not even my tinfoil hat can block out the voices.”
~ Vote for me!


Ron Paul, official 109th Congress photo
1. The best keys to spread your message are Ctrl, C, and V.
2. Support redundancy, and post your own message based on the one above to show your support.
3. Preach to the choir instead of the congregation.
4. When in doubt, let the states decide
5. When for certain, let the states decide
6. It's the media's fault. Always.
7. Do not listen to the gentiles, no matter how good their points may be.

--User:Jocke_Pirat/Ron_Paul#Paulitics

Atheist cat
“If you hear someone sneeze do not hesitate to say "God bless you". Atheists hate that.”
~ HowTo:Catch an Atheist


Wolver1
“I have nothing to declare but my own Genus.”
~ Oscar Wilde on being a Homo


Landlubber
“An artist's depiction of a fruit bowl ninja. You see, the artist was actually trying to paint a fruit bowl at the time, and it was only when he finished and looked at the painting that he realized a ninja was hiding in front of him the whole time.”
~ Ninja


Orange Kitten
“Tonight, after you fall asleep, I'm going to claw out your friggin' eyes."”
~ Forum:Ask Hinoa


Heart
“...The quote lives on in my heart. Also my userpage, which is nice, as my heart is always losing stuff.”
~ Forum:Favorite quotes



WikiMEOWMEOW
“Of COURSE I'd never edit Cajek's quote template without his knowledge or consent...that would be VANDALISM!”
~ THE on NOT vandalising this template


Carebear vote
“Who would possibly do such a terrible act of malice?”
~ Boomer



OnNoticeBanPatrol
“I just unblock you every once in a while on impulse. Sometimes you aren't even blocked. Mostly you are, though.”
~ TheLedBalloon on my bans


Attack Plan
“Plan B: The other other white meat ...plan.”
~ Vanity


FurbyOnFire
“INCREASE THE AWARENESS OF FIRES. START A FEW.”
~ Dr. Skullthumper


Wet floor
“...Floors are involved in a bitter struggle for relevancy in a universe where the only view comprises behinds and “smug, asshole-ish ceilings””
~ Talk:Floor


Bird hand
“FOUR, huh? I am splitting my sides over how hilarious the cold, hard facts can be sometimes.”
~ Please delete this page


Ironmaiden
“It is better to give torture than to receive.”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Impractico
“So Easy Even Your Dog Could Attempt To Do It! It's as easy as 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10-11-error-error-overload!
~ Why?:Buy a Cereal-o-Matic


Wikipedia-logo
“The Vok Planet Killer, mercilessly editing the talk pages of the universe.”
~ Beast Wars


Happysatan

Is this hell? --Cajek

Yes. You can have your souls inspected for character flaws and sinfulness at the counter to the left. At the counter to the left of that, you can have your souls stamped and re-validated. At the counter on my right, you may apply for reassignment to heaven. You won't get it. I'll have to talk to my supervisor about what happens at the counter all the way to my right. --TheLedBalloon Forum:So, should we unban Nintendorulez?
UnNews New thing called wheel make move mud less hard
“Caliban does nothing interesting in the play apart from spit at Prospero and lurch around the place.”
~ The Tempest


Uncyclopedia brown
“"I think Oscar Wilde said it best," said Sally. "All people die. But to die in the pursuit of a murderer is the most honourable form of death imaginable." "That Oscar Wilde," chuckled Uncyclopedia. "Is there anything he didn't say?"”
~ Uncyclopedia Brown


Aristocrats main
“That was interesting. I'm never going to look at my own shit the same way again, let alone my mom's...”
~ A bunch of aristocrats fucking. Awesome vid


Aristocrats main
“The best part was when they brought grandma out. If she could take a hammering like that when she was alive, I'd have been first in line.”
~ A bunch of aristocrats fucking. Awesome vid


Black-hole-exports-energy-by-magnetic-whips-art
“Why human beings have the overwhelming desire to replay some of their most embarrassing moments or make more embarrassing moments happen more quickly is a mystery to many, much like the invention of the video camera.”
~ Time travel


Black-hole-exports-energy-by-magnetic-whips-art
“Slowly, the amount of paradoxes decreased and time was put back in some sort of order: The future coming after the past was considered a good start.”
~ Time travel


Something wicked
“I think that Cajek is one of those guys who is really a witch. Or, perhaps, a warlock. Whichever one is smaller and easier to stuff in to a locker.”
~ Modusoperandi on UnNews:Something Wicked This Way Comes


Ipodyocto
“We cannot properly say the universe began until one iPod yocto had been manufactured.”
~ iPod yocto


Take-your-tea
“After 17 hours of wearing tights and bitching, everyone dies of tuberculosis. Noteable Examples: How Do You Take Your Tea? (1998), An Unreasonable Dress For Breakfast (1987), I'd Ask You To Marry Me But I'm So Horribly Repressed (1992)”
~ British film industry


Pillow-fighting-results
“It is speculated that the advanced Mayan civilization collapsed in the year of 879 AD in part to a colossal battle between two of their mega-pillows, Xyquathalus and Quezilo. Since then, people have stopped making 150 foot tall pillows made entirely of stone and iron for use in public sleeperies.”
~ Pillow Fighting


Anim1
“...But how does that get us candy AND our butts looked at by the establishment?”
~ SysRq @ User talk:Dr. Skullthumper


Falwell
“during an appearance on the I'm Pat Robertson and I can leg-press 2,000 pounds! show, Falwell apologized, saying that he meant what he said and that he was not sorry that he said it.”
~ Jerry Falwell


Ville-aftermath
“Chuck Norris had a paper route when he was young... ...there were no survivors.”
~ Chuck Norris


Gandalf
“I prefer the jalapenos grown on that volcano planet from Star Wars.”
~ THE on Mordor Jalapenos


BombardierJetTrainControls
“Horrible visions of death, destruction, prosecution and prostitution cross your mind...”
~ HowTo:Drive a train


HarryTruman1
“Following the War, Truman married the Bride of Truman and set to work in the haberdashery they bought together, making delicate lace, colourful ribbons and shiny buttons.”
~ Harry S. Truman


HarryTruman1
“Truman attributed his victory to "the dark unseen forces that secretly shape our nation's history, from the Supreme Grand Masonic Lodge, through to the reptiloid shapeshifters, through to the secret colony of teleporting sasquatches that keep tampering with my medication."”
~ Harry S. Truman


HarryTruman1
“Truman signs into law a bill forbidding Japanese wildlife from mutating into gigantic creatures. The bill was latter overturned by the Supreme Court in the famous case of Godzilla v. Illinois
~ Harry S. Truman


StalinShip
“"What Korean War?" asked Stalin, causing Khrushchev to do one of his trademark double takes. Then Stalin turned to the camera and winked. Iris out. Credits.”
~ Harry S. Truman


GPSstandarddominatrix
“"Pah. You are barely fit to consider reaching your destination."”
~ My Journeys with the GPS


Nazifur
“Allied propagandists put about rumours that Hitler was himself a furry. ...With pronounced manboobs.”
~ Fursecution (unbiased)


Lockstock
“It was destined to shock the American Right, who condemned the film as un-American, which it clearly was - so they also condemned it as anti-family, poorly lit and too noisy.”
~ March of the Penguin Brothers


SciFi4
“The technology to make stairs was lost in the Great Human-Alien War of 2437.”
~ HowTo:Make Cheesy Sci-Fi


Redshirt3
“Life for the foot soldier of the future makes the darkest day of Korean War look like a trip to Space Camp courtesy of the TV show Double Dare.”
~ HowTo:Make Cheesy Sci-Fi


Jesus dude
“"Yo, little Earthlings... I know I usually let you get away with all sorts of shit, but remember those Passenger Pigeons? Man, I thought they really tied the ecosystem together. You dudes screwed up big time, huma-roonies."”
~ Great Permissive Dude in the Sky Who Lets Us Do Whatever We Want



Obvious Suspect

Wait...is there some kind of under-the-table deal going on here? ~SysRq

Pfft, no. I just bought 4 metric tons of crystal meth. ~Led

All my deals are conducted over the table, thanks! (A long way over the table, in my secret flying fortress). ~UU

Under User Over-The-Table, this is Sky-High LedBalloon. The crow flies north-northeast at midnight. Are you red as roses or daffodil-yellow? ~Led

*crackle* Roger LedBalloon, cabbages over the conning tower, what? ~UU

Ah, excellent. Mehehehehehe... *adjusts cape and top hat, twirls mustache* ~Led


Dogcomp
“Our crack team of experts will ensure you receive high quality essays of First Class standards.”
~ Custom Degrees


Dogcomp
“...Our team of toilet trained employees: a million monkeys with a million typewriters. Each.”
~ Custom Degrees


Mussolini
“Fascist refers to anyone who annoys you, even slightly. Why exactly the Fascists stopped strutting around in black shirts publicly assaulting their enemies and started correcting the spelling of your e-mails instead and telling you off for not washing your coffee cup is unknown.”
~ Fascist


Crystalball
“Although Wikipedia is not a crystal ball, Uncyclopedia is, so we get to say what happens in the future and they don't.”
~ {{Future}}


Ant head closeup
What. The fuck.
~ Kalir on ant stimulation


Hitlerrug
“Say "Hitler" right now. Did your fern die? Ferns don't like Hitler either.”
~ User:SysRq/Why?:Blame_Hitler


Hitlerrug
“Hitler was now up in America's grill, and he had to be stopped. Eisenhower became so full of righteous fury that he went all D-Day on Germany's ass, and soon Hitler was all but done for. He had one last trick up his sleeve, though. Hitler faked his own suicide, and then fled to Hiroshima, Japan to plan a counter-offensive.”
~ User:SysRq/Why?:Blame_Hitler


Fireburn
“Fire cleanses the city of sin. Fire, dear fire, shall incinerate the unholy and blind them with its truth and clarity.”
~ Pyromaniac


Toad with Sword
“But just be certain to never wonder near frogs at night. Because at night time, they put on their leather studded jackets and go out checking your limits to the extreme while playing wild, wild music. In conclusion: never ever harrass a frog that wears leather. Ever.”
~ {{MonthlyAwards}} on Frogz


Calculus Problem
Calculus is like bringing a hooker back to your hotel room, only to find out that the hooker is a big hairy guy with multiple felony convictions, but the guy won't leave without you paying, so you figure you might as well make use of his services... and then he rapes you and steals all your money and leaves you blindfolded and handcuffed to a radiator blowing steam in your face.”
~ Calculus


Calculus Problem
"The rate at which Oscar Wilde walks around your mom's bedroom while filming PRON can be modeled by the function v(t)=1/5*cos(t) with t being time in gallons. If s(0)=0, model his his position in the room as a function of time, t. Use the space for your name provided. Explain your answer to the teacher using sockpuppets and the dream method of communication."
~ Calculus
Calculus Problem
(1)"Write a piano concerto. Orchestrate and perform it with the flute and drum. You will find a piano under your seat."
(2)"Using the piano, construct a time machine to hand in this test before you were given it."
(3)"Justify the need for ham sandwiches."
(4)"There are three nightingales in a tree, if one falls out and a swarm of crows land on the tree as well, what type of tree do the birds reside within? Express your answer in any dead language that rhymes with 'orange'."
~ IQ Test
Insane old man
“I remember back in my day when... actually, I don't...”
~ MrN9000


PolishGrandmother
“No one expects the Polish Inquisition. That's why they never bake a cake in advance.”
~ Polish Inquisition


Stop hand
“Our lawyers have told us that following any of the instructions on this page could result in imprisonment, deportation, permanent injury, death, or making you look really really cool in front of your friends. Do not try this at home, kids; go over to a friend's house.”
~ {{lawyers}}


Planes on a flag
“It takes two people to tango and a week-long summit of three nations to decide that nothing can be done.”
~ CAPTCHA


Monkey knife fight
Rules of the Fight Universe:
(1)"The first rule of this universe is, you do not talk about this universe."
(2)"The second rule of this universe is, you DO NOT talk about this universe."
(3)"If someone says stop, goes limp, taps out, they are out of the universe."
(4)"If this is your first night in the Fight Universe, you have to fight."
~ Alternate Universes I Seriously Hope Do Not Actually Exist
Gunsandgod
“I no, rite?! It's just as Daniel foretold! /me is raptured”
~ User talk:Modusoperandi/Falwellapedia


KitchenSink
“The kitchen sink has eluded philosophers, advertisers, scientists, managers, and several important deities for centuries.”
~ Kitchen sink


Prussianarmy
“At the age of fourteen he grew his very first mustache; a mustache that would one day be as powerful of those of David Lloyd-George and Georges Clemenceau put together. Only His Imperial Majesty Kaiser Wilhelm II had a more powerful mustache.”
~ Ferdinand von Zeppelin


Eagle kitty
“You are certain that cats have been coughing up balls since well before the French claimed to have invented oral sex.”
~ Why?:Watch Kitty Porn


1870bicycle
“C'mon, people, this material kills when I use it at the old folks' home. Literally. The owners bring me in when they need to clear up some space.”
~ Modusoperandi


Pairofducks
“Warning, this page contains paradoxes which defy logical consistancy. It is entirely possible that the fabric of time, space and or reality will be severely affected by this page's existance. The author appologises for any inconvenience.”
~ List of lists which do not contain themselves


Feather fedora
“Uncyc is like all politics, you never get something unless you lobby for it, and you only get it if you do not deserve it. The only difference here is that a sex scandal gets you promoted.”
~ Vosnul @ Forum:Order of Uncyc


Feather fedora
“I have no idea what you're doing, where you're doing it, or what you are or are not wearing while you're doing it.”
~ SysRq


Petrarch2
“Crop rotation? Iron-rich diets? Heavy plows? The modern village? All "dark age" inventions. Show that stuff to a Roman and it would be like telling a dog to write a Java servlet.”
~ Dark Ages


EDCrap
“Welcome to Encyclopedia Dramatica. Here's your article with extra shit sauce and a side of flamewar. Would you like to Epicsize that for an extra 25 cents, lardbag?”
~ HowTo:Write an article for Encyclopedia Dramatica


Obvious Suspect
“By the long-discarded verruca sock of the Great Lord Harry's second cousin once removed!”
~ Under user


Tehcooladopt
“*Looks at user page* I was never adopted... I WAS NEVER ADOPTED! /me runs off and cries... /me runs off a bit further and cries for effect... /me runs off a tiny bit further and- oooh icecream truck!...”
~ DJ Irreverent


Colbert
“Endless effort, endless endurance, endless modesty.”
~ not even this website


ShrinkRay
“Don't let modesty make the injury worse: ...take off all your clothes.”
~ Chemistry


ShrinkRay
[on picture:]“A chemist preparing the shrink ray. Note that his goggles do nothing and are worn purely for display purposes (and to aid in disputes with other chemists over territory).”
~ Chemistry


Explosions
“The entry fee seems awfully high to me. If I'm slightly brusk with a tourist, can I get two virgins?”
~ Forum:I HAVE NEVER HAD SEX


Earth19
“"But how?", a person who's actually willing to talk to me might ask. "Simple.", I'd reply if that ever happens.”
~ Fuck the world


600px-Earth
“...there are some woods nearby my house that I dumped thousands of grocery bags into. I then brought in a hoard of termites to eat the trees, and I left rotting meat and opened cans of botulism-infected food with rat poison in them, and I dug up the ancient Indian burial grounds that were hidden there so that I could use the skulls to bash in the heads of sick deer. All this never started the chain reaction I was hoping for, but it made me feel very powerful.”
~ Fuck the world


600px-Earth
“The AIDS-riddled orphans will miss your company and the way you made them peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and talked of memories past. But the world doesn't care about that. It chuckles at your misfortune. "Hehehe", the world says.”
~ Fuck the world


Pwned-48495
“Cajek blows... balloons- what the? (/me kicks Insulterator 3000) $1000 for that?!”
~ DJ Irreverent


Award
“I asked them to give me a trophee for that, but NOOOOO, they said "if we gave you one, we'd have to give one to all the other kids, and that's not fair." ...fair my ass, I made voices with fucking sandpaper!”
~ User:Cajek/IRC1


CDRocket
“Hold still, dammit!”
~ Why?:Won't that damn CD player play my vinyls?


Dylan111
“I hear that some of you kids out there are getting into some really bad stuff. That stuff is called dick-smacking your mom in the face in church.”
~ Public service announcement


Eagle kitty
“Did someone turn the heat up in here? Was I already drunk when I started? If so, does that make this more ethically acceptable? Am I into bestiality?”
~ Kitty Porn


Sciex2
“Did not our ancestors invent the waffle iron and the Dating Game?”
~ UnBooks:Fun Science Experiments for Kids


Sciex2
“1. Safety First - make sure your subjects are well strapped down, or they could do you an injury.


2. Revenge is a luxury you can afford.


3. 'Ethics committee' is just another term for cannon fodder.”
~ UnBooks:Fun Science Experiments for Kids

Rotarytelephonel02
“This is the telephone that sits on my desk. It only rings when I'm taking a bath and it's never for me. Telephones are like that, here in the cruel, hard city.”
~ UnBooks:Pulp Novel, the case of the dashing dame


AgentSmith!
SysRq: Yea, but you get all the girls though right? Tell me you get the girls? Someone must be getting the girls surely.
TheLedBalloon: I just tell them I moderate an online humor wiki and their pants come flying off!”

~ User talk:TheLedBalloon


Alan Turing
“A paranoid man, Turing devised dozens of tests to determine whether the people in his life were actual human beings.”
~ Turing Duck Test


Pantspantspants
“Them's is some nice pants. I only wish I could find a pair of pants red enough for people to remember me by rather than my actual name.”
~ 71.163.238.224 on Unidentified Man In Red pants [1]


MissPiggyIYN
“Just imagine having a romantic dinner of chocolate Pop-Tarts in bed with Miss Piggy while she's kneading on your nutsack whilst you take pictures of the whole experience with the new Sony Cyber-shot camera with Smile Shutter technology? Can you say best goddamn experience in your pathetic life?”
~ Dexter111344 on Forum:Message from Wikia


Q:Do you want to be my friend?

A: That's about as likely as me playing by somebody else's rules...which I would never do. I play by my own rules. Nobody else's. Not even my own.”
~ User:An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays

Gettysburgdead
“About 7,000 men were killed during the Battle of Gettysburg, and nearly 27,000 wounded. Maybe they know how I feel.”
~ Battle of Gettysburg


Baby crying closeup
“You AMERICA! Don't you have a shame? Teasing King like this? SHAME TO YOU ALL! UNCYCLOPEDIA, the place that there is only stupids like YOU working on. Shame to you and your family and your country!”
~ Thailand (since deleted)


Red rose2

“Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I want it now,
You know what to do.”
~ Tom Mayfair

Moron

“Why are you wasting time with such nonsense? That's like picking on the kid who wears a helmet on the school bus.”
~ Modusoperandi

Gunsandgod

“Pray to Gosh - Gosh is pure unfiltered like. If you don't like Him back, he may dang your soul to heck!”
~ Forum:Better things you could be doing with your life RIGHT NOW

Lose at internet

“This is the longest minute of them all. It is the dark night of the sixty seconds that tick quietly away on the watch that I bought at Argos for next to nothing back in the days I can hardly remember now - when I was free and when sleep came to me like an angel with open arms as opposed to what it is now - a dishcloth on a comatose donkey.”
~ Hardwick Fundlebuggy's Prison Journal

Vanburen

“It's like God took a brick of shit, covered it in shit, and then threw it into an ocean of shit full of shitfish. That's what Martin Van Buren looks like.”
~ Martin Van Buren

626904053 4def338da5 o-1-

"Papa Bear said “My bowl is too hot.”

“Well" Otter Bear said in between drags on his Viceroy cigarette, "if you wouldn't have added a half of bottle of Tabasco Sauce to it before you tasted it maybe it would be just right.”

”Don't start with me Bruce,” said Daddy Bear.
~ Goldilocks and the Three Bears

626904053 4def338da5 o-1-

“Did you know that my dad reproduces asexually, thus making me impervious to yo momma jokes?”
~ {{DYKdb}}

Lioncar

Many consider Rogue Punchlines to be stupid, but you're stupid.

See? That was a rogue punchline, on loan for this article from the Oslo Museum of Humorology, and used with thanks. Work with me here....that was another one. So's your face.
~ Rogue punchlines

ZombieGift

“Necrophiliphobia can be treated through exposure therapy. Exposure therapy is a safe and controlled way for subjects to learn how to fight their fear gradually, until their anxiety is completely reduced. First the subject is told to imagine themselves naked next to a dead body. Then, they are shown a picture of a person having sex with a dead body. Then they are told to strip completely nude next to the picture. Next, they are shown an actual dead body. Finally, the subject is forced to have sex with the dead body.”
~ Necrophiliphobia, the irrational fear of having sex with a dead body.

Evileye trans

...Basically, we think you're a spammer/vandal/10-year-old. ...

I'm 11 years old and the eye, its just an poor picture!! UNCYCLOPEDIA ARE NOOBS

~ User Talk:NMDanny

Dick and Jane

“I ventured inside to take up where I left off last night - my Transformers DVD. From what I gather, this historical document chronicles the period of time between Egyptians and the much later Dinosaurs.”
~ UnBooks:Life as a 4⅝ Year Old

AWESOME

Depicting Spang's mother as a 450-pound refrigerator repairwomen by day and plus-sized whore by night, while technically accurate, is a violation of the agreement Spang signed before principal shooting began.

Moreover, Spang's sister is portrayed as an attractive Chinese woman. In reality she is neither Chinese, attractive, nor a woman.

~ User:Spang

TitoDiagram

“They say the man with the gun makes the facts, and Tito's a man with a gun, knife, nunchucks, and a jar full of scorpions on his person at all times.”
~ Why?:You shouldn't mess with Tito

DrSkull

Jeez, are you and Skullthumper working on the script for Too Long; Didn't Read: The Movie or what? --Squiggle

The book was longer... --DJ Irreverent
I prefer the Manga version. More giant robots. --Modusoperandi

~ Forum:Share your stories

Gavinmacleod

“At the end of the show the U-96 is sunk and no one, neither cast nor crew survives. (Even the live studio audience was not spared.)”
~ Das Love Boot

Gavinmacleod
“Sting ray? More like sting GAY! Hahaha! But seriously folks, they scare the shit out of me.”

Pigletmugshot

“..the Hundred Acre Wood-wide police crackdown netted Piglet, shown here in his mugshot after being charged with vagrancy, operating a wheelbarrow while intoxicated, hunting woozles without a licence, smuggling of unpasteurized honey across state lines...”
~ Piglet

Colbert

“Well exCUSE me, Karnak the magnificent! These questions have been hermetically sealed in a mayonnaise jar for a year, and only just opened at noon today!”
~ Stephen Colbert, 7/15/08

Raddrock
“I broke my G-string while fingering A minor.”
~ Oscar Wilde on fingering minors


(HowTo:Learn Guitar)
Abortionist Bucket

“Actually my forceps broke, so I need to sharpen some table spoons for tonight's batch.”
~ Olipro on UnBooks:Backstreet Abortionist's Handbook

Suspicious

“I have no idea what the connections between a cigar, my golf ball, a pin, and a dead guy are!”
~ Uncyclopedian on J'accuse

Bouncywikilogo

“I think this article may contain a point of view.”
~ Wikipedian on An article that contains nothing but a full stop

(An article that contains nothing but a full stop: A Retrospective)

Newspaper

“At the time of going to press, both Skullthumper and Zombiebaron may have been available for comment for all we know, but we couldn't be bothered to ask them.”
~ 11th issue, Unsignpost

Thisbig

“probably because I was scratching my gentiles instead of paying attention to VFH. (My Jews, for some reason, never itch.)”
~ One-eyed Jack on Forum:The King of Fail

Un-vfd

“The litmus test is "Might Codeine's Mum have heard of this group/individual/organization?" And there is no way that Codeine's Mum is aware that someone out there is... unusually interested in Slappy Squirrel as a sexual being.”
~ Hyperbole on Slappy's Angels/VFD

Ojc2 copy

Symbol against vote Against. as per "His blood be on us, and on our children."”
~ Zombiebaron on Image:Ojc2 copy.jpg/VFP

Tshirt

“At the annual "Improbable Conventions Convention" in southwest Florida, an event was held that rendered even the convention's founder speechless. " ," he said.”
~ UnNews:Procrastinators Unite Today; Shirt Enthusiasts Enraged

Football?

Middle-earth Football -

A team of about 300,000 elves, good men, eagles and dwarfs fight a gigantic hoard of 600,000 of orcs, trolls, wolves and evil men for control of the ball. A couple of hobbits manage to sneak in behind the enemy lines and throw the ball into the fires of Mount Doom where it was once forged.

-Worst 100 Football Variants of All Time
Cthulhudreaming

“See Spot whimper in terror. Spot does not like the spells. What is happening to Spot? Oh no, Spot has burst into flames! See Spot burn. Burn, Spot, burn!

See Jane run. She is afraid of Dick. She does not want to receive the knowledge which will rend her fragile mind like a claw tears at a veil. Run, Jane, run!

Dick does not care. Dick is a Follower of Cthulhu. The souls of the Followers will be eaten first. His suffering will be short.
~
UnBooks:My First Necronomicon

Cthulhuinthehat

“His crazy antics make a mess of the house, but the scorch marks, black ectoplasmic slime and goat's blood are all cleaned up by the time the children's mom gets home. She suspects nothing, until she notices that the girl is catatonic with fear and the boy is an insane, cackling idiot.”
~ UnBooks:My First Necronomicon

Oso Holy grial
“Did you know that you can produce holy water by boiling the hell out of it?”
~ {{DYKdb}}


Raccoon
“At night they're like raccoons...staring at me with those beady, dead eyes. During the day, they're like squirrels...staring at my nuts with those beady, dead eyes.”
~ Modusoperandi on VFS


Anordinarynickel
“Eventually our coins are going to double as playable Toby Keith records so as to give our money the multimedia patriotism treatment, with a tiny red-white-and-blue laser light show thrown in for good measure.”
~ UnBooks:USA ROCKS!


BoratBear
“"A picture paints a thousand words," as the old saying goes. However, this popular line was clearly written in the days before the formation of Uncyclopedia. In most cases, images on Uncyclopedia only manage to paint a small number of words, often of a juvenile or scatalogical nature.”
~ User:Mhaille/How To:Write An Article That Stands No Chance Of Featuring On Uncyclopedia


Jpmorgan
“Don't forget the valediction! Choose from any of these:
  • Sincerely,
  • Yours truly,
  • Yours falsely,
  • Yearningly,
  • Intestinally,
  • Confusedly,
  • I have rabies,
  • I have rabies and licked the envelope before I mailed it,
  • Don't fuck with me,
  • I only date teenagers,
  • Fired by the warm glow of Satan's love,
  • Did I urinate on this paper or didn't I?
  • Overjoyed at the prospect of making unwanted sexual advances on you and all my other coworkers, ”
    ~ HowTo:Write A Cover Letter


Ninjastar?
“FUCK! The only thing I ever wanted from this ugly place was a title. CUN. MUN sucks. Seriously, who came up with that thing? It sucks anyway. You don't have to put this on the main page. All I beg of you is CUN. You could at least give me a Feather in Cap award for sticking around for three years. Please, I beg of you. You could at least make me noob of the month, as I am a three-year noob anyway. Fucker.
~~~

After 3 FUCKING years of trying, this user still hasn't got one FUCKING featured article. He blames his FUCKING country and the Politics in this FUCKED UP site. Ooh, and teh commies. What the BLOODY FUCK will it get you people to vote, you FUCKING ASSHOLES?”
~ Uncyclopedia:VFH/HowTo:Become a sysop in 2008 or later & Gert5

Crunchtime
“Have you ever had that dream where you're the captain of a Revolutionary War-era frigate that's been boarded by an enemy brigantine, except the enemy captain is Cap'n Crunch and he keeps turning your weapons into piles of cereal until you shoot that demon telescope out of his hands, and then you have a sword fight? I sure haven't. That'd be stupid.”
~ UnTalented


RonaldMcHitler
  • At 26-50% is the smartass band; things that Hitler would have said, but which are so banal as to make the comparison worthless. Examples: 'Good morning,' 'I don't think much of Communism,' or 'Where did I leave the keys to my Mercedes?'
  • At 25% or less are remarks that the experts agree that Hitler almost certainly never would have made. Examples: 'Give peace a chance,' 'All you need is love,' or 'Sh'ma Yisrael Adonai elohaynu Adonai echad!'

~ Certificate of Hitlertude

StFrank2
“In the late 1700s, mad science was suffering under persecution the likes of which had not been seen in weeks. ...The previous record holder for "worst persecution in Europe" dates back to the dark days of the Polish Inquisition, who sought to burn people at a solar-powered stake, and drown people in a ducking stool with a screen door.”
~ Saint Frankenstein's Day


Oldhouse
“Cajek's great-great uncle Cejak was a wonderful story teller before he was bitten by a radioactive chattering jackdaw, rendering him incapable of being still or silent for longer than 24 seconds at any given time.”
~ User:Under user/Old Cajek Country


Hamlet
“Simply take whatever you would have said (e.g., "I see what you mean, Alan") and reverse the order of the words, a la Yoda ("What you mean I see, Alan"); modify the verbs and pronouns to make them sound non-specifically Shakespearean ("What thou meanst I see, Alan"); and finally, replace the name of the subject with "Horatio" ("What thou meanst I see, Horatio").”
~ HowTo:Be pretentious


Cage
“Nobody listens to me. They just gasp, avert their eyes, and quickly move away from my cage, mostly.”
~ Modusoperandi


Stand up comedian 1
“Yeah, its bad when you tell a joke and it dies. I remember standing up in Sunday School and saying "How can you tell when your sister is on her period?......Your dad's dick tastes funny!" Not a single laugh. Still use it though.”
~ Mhaille


Godzilla-Church
“...I dunno cos I don't speak Korean. I can, however, speak Super Japanese at grade 0.25.”
~ Hindleyite


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