User:Cajek/Loud Computer Voice that Counts Backwards
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Captain: Johnson! JOHNSON, GET IN HERE! What does it mean when that loud computer voice that counts backwards is activated? DON'T GIVE ME THAT TECHNOBABLE, JOHNSON! What does it mean? ...is it that bad? ...oh God no... oh hellz nah ...oh JESUS SHITBALLS, we're gonna die. Is there any conceivable way to stop it at the very last second? There isn't? Figures. This day has gone from bad to worse.
I hereby leave my skates to JOHNSON, for being such a good first mate. I remember when I first met Johnson. He looked different with two eyes... ha ha, get it? "DIFFERENT?" Anyway, yes. I had hours and hours of fun with those skates. I remember wizzing UP and DOWN the captain's quarters with youthful abandon. Oh my, such fun!
I leave my collection of Halloween costumes to JOHNSON, too. I know he won't be alive to use them, but it's the thought that counts... or is that the meaning of Christmas? Nah, it's the meaning of making out a will. I've still got a good 9 seconds of life ahead of me, though, and I don't want to use it making out a stupid will. Hell, JOHNSON! --and I made a good team. It's too bad he won't be able to enjoy that sexy walrus costume, though.
Dear lord, I'm sorry for all the shennanigans I've pulled over the years. I'm sorry about that hobo, and I promise I won't do that ever again. I'm sorry that I didn't feed JOHNSON'S cat that weekend, but it was old anyway. I mean, it was really old. It's hair was getting gray, even. I mean, it needed help eating! It had a cane! It was in the old cat's home! It was collecting on its pension!
Don't fault me for the damn cat! It wasn't my fault! Natural causes, I swear! God, when that cat gets up to heaven, do an autopsy. The proof is in the pudding, lord! Well, not exactly, but you know what I mean. As a corollary question, is there pudding in heaven, lord?
I didn't want this job, you know JOHNSON?! I didn't want to "go where no man has gone before" I wanted to be like dad and be a plumber. I just wanted to plumb, JOHNSON! What's wrong with that? At least I wouldn't have ever been in this horrible situation. I know it's not as glamorous, but I would've at least gotten to see my little Jimmy grow up. He's 30 and he's still living with his mother! Now you tell me if he needs a father!
Okay, sorry I yelled at you, JOHNSON! I guess I've been having a hard time since "10". It's been kinda tough since I started to realize that my life was gonna end. It crept up on me, like some kind of gross little centipede. BrRrRrRrR!! Gawd I hate centipedes.
I didn't think that it would be going this fast! Are you sure it's counting down in seconds? Oh man, there are so many things I haven't done with my life yet. Maybe I still have time! Yeah! Maybe I can stop it in time before it goes "KABOOM! PFPFFFSHSHHHHOOOOIIIIEEEEE BCGGGHCK!" Yeah! You have to be optimistic at times like these! Oh man, I remember waiting in line to take the Spaceship Captain's License test: now that was scary. It's too bad I failed it, or else I would've known what to do here.
Well, okay, this is scarier than waiting for test results (except for that one time). The only difference is that this time I'm gonna look at this in the most positive light possible. For one thing, I won't have to pay taxes anymore! I won't have to pay child support anymore! Yeah, this explosion is turning out to be a positive thing. I just have to keep in mind that my life is pretty shitty, and I'll be fine! (Not "fine" in the cosmic sense, anyway, but you know what I mean...)
So when it counts down to zero, what happens? ...it does what? ...in the where? ...where did the trombone come from? ...it stabs you with a rusty potato peeler, eh? ...Then it gets a couple of its friends over and gives you a swirly? ...Then it pushes you down the stairs? ...How can it force you to sing karaoke? ...Oh lord! ...oh god no!
OMG NOOB! YOU EDIT MAH PAGE! I EDIT UR PAGE! OMGFG! LOL U GOT HAXXED! ~RAHB
HAXXORZ! I BAN U NEWB, DO MAH AUDIO I KILLZ U ~CAKEJ
U WISH! U GOTZ NO OPZ! U GOTZ NO POWAAAH! I DO UR ADUIO AND KIK IT IN TEH BUT!!! ~RAHB