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Sorry Uncyclopedia's policy on original research, but this article contains a viewpoint: that you are worth it. There's no stopping your rise to the top: this is it. There's no time to write an article about you without a bunch of colons: because you're worth it.
You might have some wandering doubts about whether you're worth it, but we at Uncyclopedia are here to give you the good news: that you are worth it, no matter what your parents told us about you while researching this article.
This article in particular has guided tens of people to health and happiness with our two step plan: Clothes and Mindset. Without one of these, you're missing half the picture!
Basically, this article wants to focus on two things: Clothes... and Mindset. Clothes: because humans are shallow, and Mindset: because the followers of this plan need to be able to visualize winning.
edit Clothes make the man/woman
Without clothes, we're just animals. The animals realize this, and that's why we have to always wear clothes. To them, we're just food.
Once you're convinced to wear clothing, you have to choose the right amount and style. The right amount of clothing depends on your gender and occupation. For example, a woman who works as a refrigerator repairwoman should wear as much as possible to cover her hideously overweight body, while a man who works at a drive through should cover up his acne-riddled face completely.
A person's style of clothing says everything about that person. Would you trust a person wearing a toga? Neither would I. A person wearing a toga, or a turban, say, would be someone who has the mindset of a loser.
edit Mindset of a winner
Other than "I accidentally summoned something in the basement" the worst phrase you could ever hear is "NO". Don't let those no-sayers get in your way! Anyone who denies you anything is obviously not a friend of yours.
When you wake up in the morning after those horrible dreams, what do you hear? Other than the terrible whispers, maybe you hear yourself saying "YES I CAN" (hopefully not in response to the terrible whispers; negative consequences of following the orders of the terrible whispers are not the responsibility of this article). You need to be in the right mindset at the start of the day in order to conquer your fears.
Winners are those people who have no fear, and who are determined to win 100% of the time. Remember: YOU MUST SUCCEED AT EVERYTHING TO BE A SUCCESS. Don't let those namby-pambies down in <INSERT YOUR HOMETOWN'S NAME HERE> tell you anything different.
Just a reminder: put some damn clothes on. I mean, I know I'm just an article, but you can't just show up here looking like that.
edit Your mindset
There are two phrases that everyone in their lifetime utters at least once: "FOOL! YOU HAVE LEAD ME DIRECTLY TO THE NECRONOMICON!!!" and "I give up." Don't be the second one, even though I just said that everyone says it at least once.
Your goal in life is to never lose: AT ANY COST... TO ANYONE... FOR ANY REASON... Remember that when you are in your room, planning your victory speech.
edit Your victory speech
You've made it! You self-actualized! Now all you have to do is gloat about it.
When you win that big award at the luncheon banquet award... breakfast... thing, be sure to be as grandiose as possible. Remember to wear a gown or, if you're feeling a little less cross-dressy, a suit... a really shiny suit that loudly proclaims your winning status.
Legally speaking, you have to credit this article partially with your success. Of course, you have to credit God somewhere in your speech, whether it be the ever-popular Cthulhu or just Shub-Niggurath, the black goat in the woods with a thousand young, try to be a little discreet unless you are receiving your award at a Cthulhu prayer breakfast.
To be a winner, you don't have to be completely sane. In fact, being sane is a drawback in today's slow-paced, somewhat balanced world. Your manner should be a little offputting, but not offputting enough to distance yourself from others. They will prove very useful to us in the coming age.
Don't just be guided by thoughts of promotions! Let the nightmares you are receiving guide your actions. Those who are afraid will suffer.