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Congratulations. You have reached a movie I wrote 5 years ago, starring my friends and I. Enjoy.
Brad, Noel, and Ross present
Or, “what I do in my spare time would frighten small children”
INT. MALL FOOD PLAZA- DAY
The scene opens in a cafe. We see Josh and Ross get their food and sit down. Josh is carrying the trays/plates, while Ross is carrying the drinks. They sit, and Ross hands Josh his drink.
Josh: You know what, Ross? We should make a movie about ourselves.
Ross: What? Why? Nothing interesting ever happens to us.
Josh: Sure it does!
Ross: No, it doesn't. If we made a movie about ourselves, it's be 120 minutes of absolute unmitigated boredom for the whole audience. We'd get the worst reviews ever and we'd deserve them. It'd be like a rest home sitcom.
Josh: Like the Golden Girls? That'd be awesome!
Ross: No! That's not awesome, you TV watching freak! It'd suck!
Josh: You don't know that. It might turn out very interesting; you'd need to see the script first to make any judgements.
Ross: Fine, give me the script.
Josh: I don't have it, I just came up with the idea!
Ross: Well, tell me some of your oh-so-interesting ideas then!
Josh: Well, first of all, it would open with an argument.
Ross: What kind of an argument?
Josh: A funny one. We could be arguing about the exact nature of the cursed springs in Ranma 1/2. There's plenty of humor there.
Ross: No, you can't start a movie off with an obscure argument about Ranma 1/2. No one would know what you're talking about.
Josh: That would make it all that much funnier.
Ross: To you, maybe, but not to the audience! If you want to start out with a wierd argument about a film, argue about Star Wars. There's plenty to argue about there and everyone knows what you're talking about.
Josh: But Ranma would be funny, and Star Wars has been done so many times.
Ross: Look, even if you were the most brilliant screenwriter ever, which you aren't, and even if you were taking some kind of ultra screenwriting mind enhancing drug, which you aren't, and even if your cowriters were genetically engineered superwriters spliced together from the genes of Shakespeare, Niel Simon, and Agatha Cristie, you STILL wouldn't be able to make a conversation about Ranma 1/2 even slightly interesting. The audience would hate you, the producer would hate you, the director would hate you, the actors would hate you, and I hate you.
Josh: Don't you mean you WOULD hate me?
Josh: Well, I think it would be funny.
Ross shrugs. He pauses, then continues.
Ross: You know Josh, when we have conversations like this, I think of the two of us like Aristotle (he points to himself) and Socrates (he points to Josh).
Josh: Really? You respect me enough to think of me as your mentor?
Ross shakes his head.
Ross: No, what I mean is: I'm training someone to conquer the world, and you just drank hemlock.
Josh looks down at his drink.
Josh: That works too, I guess.
Josh collapses on the table. Ross gets up and leaves.
(Opening credits roll as Travis drives Brad and Noel to the movie theatre, Brad is exclaiming lots of things. Noel is quietly sitting in the back plotting world domination, but it’s not like the audience knows that.)
Ross: Shutup, you jerk!
Brad: It’s good to see you, too.
Ross: I hate you, why do you people follow me everywhere?
Travis: You asked us to come.
Ross: (winking and shouting) Oh, Noel. I’ve got another body for you. He’s in the bathroom… dead.
Brad: Ross! You can’t just kill people at random! I’m sure that has to be illegal!
Ross: I didn’t kill someone at random, I killed Josh.
Brad: Oh… ok.
Travis: Hey Ross. What time does the movie start?
Ross: (Checks his watch) I’d have to say, “Your mom.”
Brad: The sign says it starts at 5, which means we have exactly –2 minutes to get in the theatre. You have our tickets, right?
Ross: I have “your mom.”
Travis: Let’s go.
INT MOVIE THEATRE- DAY (not that the time matters)
Brad: You’d think that more people would come to a matinee than just… I don’t know… us.
Travis: Shhh! I can’t hear the Japanese!
Ross: Alright, Alright… Why…. Is this man wearing a dress?
Noel: That’s not a dress, it’s a robe.
Brad: IT’S A KI-MO-NO!
Ross: A Ki-mo-NO, eh?
Ross: I see. The reason I ask is that, earlier, we saw a Japanese woman wearing pants.
Brad: The kimono is traditional Japanese dress…
Ross: So it is a dress…
Brad: No. It’s a robe… it’s not a robe, it’s clothing. Shutup, you guys don’t know what you’re talking about, and I don’t want to explain it, I’m missing the movie.
Ross: All the Japanese are cross-dressers.
(pause. Shouting from the screen ensues)
Noel: Why are they fighting?
Ross: I dunno. HEY! (turns around to yell at the projectionist) Rewind that! We missed part of it.
Projectionist: I’m not rewinding it. It’s your problem, not mine.
Ross: Man, what a jerk.
Noel: Stupid projectionist.
EXT. MOVIE THEATRE- EVENING
Travis: Man… that was so weird!
Brad: At least that guy at the end was cradling the other guy’s severed head. Otherwise, the movie might have been less that completely disturbing.
Ross: Yeah. D’oh! That reminds me! I left Josh’s body in the bathroom.
Noel: No you didn’t. I did.
Ross: Oh… ok.
Brad: Who’s driving?
(a scream much like Brad’s earlier one’s reverberates throughout the universe)
INT. COLLEGE APARTMENT- NIGHT
(guys walk into the apartment)
Brad: So, really, the Romantic movement’s influence is sensed to this day, in everything from fashion to fiction. If it’s new, it’s automatically good, whether it has any lasting value whatever.
Ross: So it’s like killing. The more you do of it, the more fun it becomes.
Brad: No… actually, it’s not like that at all.
Noel: Evil is new, right?
Travis: Nah, evil has been around forever.
Brad: Well, evil was a major part of World War II. Several world leaders convinced their people that it was new, and, therefore good.
Ross: You know Brad, that’s interesting and all, but the real question is, why is there a moose on your car.
Brad: There’s a moose on my car? Cool! (leaves)
Travis: What does it matter that there’s a moose on Brad’s car?
Ross: There isn’t one, but since I told him there was one he’ll be looking for it all night.
Noel: Ahh… a lie told enough times becomes the truth.
Ross: Yes, which, in Brad’s case, once is enough times.
The night turns into day, which turns into night... which turns into day again... which, turns into night again.... the third day, Brad enters the apartment, his voice audible through the open door.
Brad: I can’t believe I fell for that again.
INT. MONKEY CUPBOARD
(a pitch black curtain covers the screen, with monkey ambience playing in the background. Just then, the door of gleaming reddish-white light opens to reveal a shadow of Ross, who screams)
(the lights flicker on to reveal a million-cagillion monkeys)
Ross: Come here!
INT. CRAPPY BATHROOM
(the screen cuts to Ross in front of a pile of crap in the bathroom)
Ross: I don’t care who did it, just clean it up.
(Monkeys look at each other confused)
Ross: There’s Epsom salt in the cupboard. And don’t give me that look. I know it was one of you, and I’m not cleaning it up this time.
(Ross leaves. Monkeys are still for a moment [for monkeys, anyway] Monkey 1 turns to the other and makes monkey noises. The translation appears at the bottom of the screen)
Monkey 1: Do you have any idea what that guy just said to us?
(Monkey 2 turns to him and also makes monkey noises. The translation at the bottom reads.)
Monkey 2: Ook, eek, aa, aaaaa, AAAAA!!!!
Monkey 1: I’m serious. I didn’t understand a word he said.
Monkey 2: EEEEE, ooo, ook, argh, ooo, ooo, ooo!
Monkey 1: Look, if you aren’t going to answer me, the least you could do is just quietly sit there and not make all that noise.
(at this, Monkey 2 tackles Monkey 1. Meanwhile, Ross runs into Noel, who’s talking to Brad, but it’s not like the audience knows that)
INT. LIVING ROOM
Noel: So you think that Ranma should be happy his curse wasn’t worse.
Brad: Yeah, because if he ever DID find the spring of drowned man, it’d suck to be him.
Noel: How so?
Brad: Well, Pantyhose Taru found the spring of drowned squid, and it just added to his previous curse, right?
(at this point, Ross got up)
Ross: WATCH WHERE YOU’RE STANDING, YOU JERK!
Brad: What do you think, Ross?
Ross: I make it a habit not to think... which is why I’m still alive.
Brad: ... Riiiiiiight. Well, anyway, Noel, Ranma can’t find the spring of drowned man, because his curse would only be compounded instead of solved.
Ross: Brad, you bring this up all the time. Why do I have to listen to it, AGAIN?
Brad: You don’t. You can change the subject of the brain-ripping any time you want.
Ross: Oh, we were sitting around one day, trying to figure out what we were going to do, when Noel suggested we try to rip out our own brains. It didn’t work.
Noel: Well, except for Josh.
Ross: Yeah, Josh is such a jerk. He succeeded, just to annoy me.
Brad: Anyway, now when we have a random conversation that has no connection with reality, we call it “Brain-ripping.”
Travis: That’s really weird.
(sounds of crashing are coming from the bathroom)
Ross: Wait a minute, they better not be doing what I think their doing. (runs to the bathroom)
Travis: So, has anything useful come from these “Brain-ripping” sessions?
Brad: No, not really.
Noel: Except that now we know we’re fictional.
Brad: Oh, yeah, there’s that.
Travis: Well, that’s something, right? Wait a minute! You’re fictional!?!?
Brad: Yeah, creepy, huh?
Travis: That can’t be true! If you’re fictional, that means I’m fictional, too!
Noel: That’s right.
Brad; Actually, you were included in the “we.”
Brad: Anyway, Ranma can’t find the spring of drowned man.
Travis: Actually, that makes a lot of sense.
Brad: Doesn’t it? I mean, if Ranma changed into a man-girl, that’d be really, REALLY bad.
Travis: No, I mean, the fictional thing. That explains why Ross and I are brothers, yet look and act nothing alike.
Travis: And why we have an infinite number of monkeys in the cupboard.
Brad: Or can download any item we want or need off the Internet at any time.
Noel: Or why Josh dies just about every day.
Brad: Nah, I think that’s what happens to people in reality.
(LOUD CRASHES heard coming from bathroom)
Travis: What is Ross doing in there? I’m going to check on Ross, guys, I’ll be right back.
(goes out front door)
Brad: Or why Travis has no sense of direction at all.
Noel: Or how I know Ross is throwing feces with the monkeys in the bathroom right now.
Brad: He is!?! I told him to stop doing that!
(leaves to go to the bathroom. Travis returns.)
Travis: I forgot my umbrella, it’s raining outside. Hey, where’d Brad go?
(screaming heard coming from the bathroom)
Noel: He’s getting thrown around the bathroom by Ross and the monkeys.
Travis: Oh... man. I’ve got to stop him. I’ll be right back.
(walks out the front door, umbrella in hand)
Noel: Ah, the irony.
(sits down at the computer. Starts to type.)
Noel: Search. ... world... current price. Hmm... 1,263,374,216,853,246 dollars and 11 cents. The price has gone down again... (leans back) now may be the peak time to make my attempt.
EXT. EMPTY FIELD
(scene cuts to Travis outside. Travis confronts Josh)
Travis: Hey, Josh.
Travis: I’m going to stop Ross from killing Brad. Wanna come?
Josh: Sure... it’s not like I’ve got anything better to do.
Travis: Ross is always doing stuff like this. I don’t understand it. Oh, and we’re fictional, did they tell you?
Josh: Yes, they did. Actually, I have a theory of my own to test.
Travis: Really, what’s that?
(at this Josh jumps into a martial arts position and lets out a battle cry, then flicks Travis’s ear)
Travis: What did you do that for?
Josh: (speaking, but Travis is distracted and doesn’t listen to him. Josh’s words are inaudible... because the music crescendos in triumphant fanfare. The music recedes as he stops talking.)
Travis: Wait, did you hear that? I think I heard a musical cue. What the heck? Why didn’t I hear one of those before?
Josh: (starts to talk again, but the music swells once again, this time as plan/conspiracy music covers it. Travis is confused. Then, out of his jacket, Josh pulls out a pen and paper and writes for about 5 seconds. The music stops as soon as he’s done talking.)
Travis: Waa! What are you... what’s going on? (Josh hands him the paper he wrote his explanation on, while Travis reads, a veritable slide-show plays with pictures showing what was being described. Oh, and the Republicans are huge elephants) “This is a legendary martial arts attack called the Quiz Aunt Chad attack. It was developed by Republican samurai to make it so that certain Floridian voters couldn’t listen correctly to the instructions given to them by their daimyo, code-named Quiz Aunt for .... well, actually, I don’t know why. The point is...” (slide show stops abruptly)
Travis: This is a long explanation, Josh.
Josh: (tries to explain, but the transitional music covers his words up, Travis just nods and starts reading again)
Travis: “The point is, I’ve been trying to discover how to perform this legendary attack. And I think I have succeeded. I can now make it so anyone I choose cannot hear anything anyone says. I am thinking of reporting my discovery to the local Democratic Daimyo. Then I will take my place as Emperor of the Democrats!” That sounds good, Josh... except that America isn’t a Japanese feudal society.
Josh: (says something inaudible once more. The look on his face lets you know he is both surprised and curious... and the music doesn’t hurt.)
Travis: (Responds as though he heard him.) No, we’re a democracy.
Josh: (walks off to sad music covering his words.)
(cut to Ross and Brad in the apartment, leaving the crappy bathroom with monkey screams heard in the background)
Ross: How was I supposed to know you weren’t a piece of crap, Brad?
Brad: (Upset for some reason) Oh, I don’t know... I talk?
Ross: If you’d seen the crap I’d seen, you wouldn’t say that. (walks off mysteriously)
(Brad is confused.. then his brain reboots)
Brad: So.... who’s hungry?
(cut to a car... Travis is driving, Ross, Brad, and Noel are all in the car)
Brad: Whoa! How’d we get here?
Noel: I believe it is called a running gag. Whenever someone says, “Who’s hungry,” we all immediately jump in the car and Travis drives us to go eat. Or, at least, that’s the running theory.
Brad: But I don’t remember jumping in the car.
Ross: (who’s jumping... in the car) It’s IMPLIED Brad.
(just audio, black screen)
Ross: I hate all of you.
(crowd erupts into cheers)
Ross: No, I mean it. You all suck.
(crowd cheers louder)
Ross: Shutup, you freaking morons!
(crowd become ecstatic and starts to chant “Ross, Ross, Ross”)
(the camera fades in to a Nazi party thrown by the Nazi party. It pans across as the closing credits roll. Ross continues to shout at the party to be quiet, shut up, be freaking quiet, shut up freaking, etc. The Nazi’s just laugh and sing and frolic, as only Nazis can. Near the end of the credits, Ross wakes up.)
Josh: Ross, stop screaming. I’m trying to sleep.
Ross: I just had the worst dream. No one was listening to me.
Josh: Ross, can’t this wait until morning?
Ross: Now, you’re not listening to me! And how can this be? For it IS Quiz Aunt Chad attack!
End of movie
Josh: What do you mean? That’s the whole point of the story, isn’t it? That he’s been cursed to become a woman, so now he wants to find the same spring and become a whole man again?
Ross: Well, if he found the same spring, that would just be silly, because he’d turn into a different woman, or two women.
Josh: Ah yes, but he’s searching for the Spring of Drowned Man, which is near the Spring of Drowned Woman, though not actually the same Spring.
Ross: Aye. Anyway, when Pantyhose Taru found the spring of drowned squid, he simply gained attributes of the squid, he didn’t just turn into a squid.
Josh: So, you’re thinking that he’d better not ever find the spring of drowned man, because then he’d become a woman-man?
Ross: Yes, exactly. He’d become a woo-man. And that would be worse than his present situation.
Josh: Ah, the horrors of the Jusenkyo curse. Very tragic story.
- Note: Stalking projectionist idea.
- Note: When we drive to get something to eat, we end up in China. All the Chinese think that were women because we’re wearing pants. Travis says that we should be able to find a good Chinese restaurant here. Brad suggest going to the Neko Hanten. The others reject that idea since it’s a fictitious place. Besides, that, it’s in Japan. Noel voices a preference for Ukyo’s Okonomiyaki shop. Eventually, we go to a Mongolian barbecue where they barbecue real Mongolians. Ross asks for barbecue sauce. Brad tries to start a discussion about Yin and Yang, but we keep getting them confused and Ross insists on calling them Ying-Ying and Yang-Yang.
- Note: The conversation assassin must make an appearance in our movie. Right after Supercalafradulouseespialadocious everyone stops and looks at me, 'cause I'd be the one who'd say it
Then the conversation assassin (so labeled by a subtitle) laughs maniacally and runs away