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Phillipi Poncho-Loomis, also known as the Dayspayer (believed to have been born 1986/87, exact date unknown) is/was an American politician (though the legitimacy of this self-ascribed status is debated), alleged sex offender, and stock broker. Poncho-Loomis is most famous for the kidnapping and neutering of President Barack Obama in early 2013, employing an elaborate plan with the assistance of others. The incident came to light on September 28, 2013 after several Internet forums leaked medical records detailing Obama's physical condition. The White House confirmed rumors the next day, with the President appearing on live television to reveal his kidnapping and abuse. The federal investigation, colloquially dubbed "Penisgate", remains open and Poncho-Loomis is currently #2 on the FBI's Top 10 Most Wanted list, with an increasing reward for his capture.
Due to the few alleged public sightings and seeming lack of existence shown by records, information on Phillipi Poncho-Loomis's background is scarce. Poncho-Loomis's birth certificate has yet to be found, and no medical records exist under his supposed name. Investigators believe Poncho-Loomis was born in 1986 or 1987 based on evidence consisting of a ruptured condom found with Poncho-Loomis's supposed father's DNA inside. Investigations to reveal Poncho-Loomis's biological father have been unsuccessful. Bexley Elementary School in Roanoke, VA presented records showing that a boy under the name of Phil P. Loomis attended 1st grade for less than one week at the school, and was supposedly sent to a juvenile psychiatric hospital after severing the class hamster's penis with a pair of scissors. The school administration reported that the boy had an unhealthy obsession with the neutering and removal of genitals. However, no records have been found to show that the boy was ever sent to a psychiatric hospital. Journalists believe that the boy's parents or guardians moved out of state and erased all records proving the boy's existence, allegedly gaining unauthorized access to school district records. It is believed that the parents stole all parental information from Loomis's file, but were unsuccessful in eliminating all traces of his grades and attendance. A night guard reported seeing two men leave the school grounds carrying papers shortly after Loomis's disappearance, but no evidence of a break-in could be found. Information on Poncho-Loomis between 1993 and 2001 is virtually nonexistent.
edit Animal Shelter Burglaries
Poncho-Loomis made news headlines on April 8th, 2001 when a California animal shelter was broken into. 9 dogs, 10 cats, 5 pigs, 3 turtles, and a goat were all found to be missing genitals, and the initials "PPL" were found spraypainted across a window. Approximately 4 months later, a similar incident occurred in Alberta, Canada, but a swastika was left instead of initials. In 2002, 5 more of these incidents occurred throughout Europe and Russia, each time with a different symbol of a radical political party being left (anarchy, communism, etc). The FBI believed the events were related and launched a federal investigation. The last event occurred in Butte, Montana in a PetSmart store on November 2, 2002, with the words "FUCK THE PP, BHO, PPL BRB!!!". Poncho-Loomis then disappeared for 4 years with no evidence found during this period.
edit Career at Morgan Keegan & Company
Investigators discovered that from 2007-2008, Poncho-Loomis worked under the alias "Michael B. Lonchomis" as a stock broker for Morgan Keegan & Company. Poncho-Loomis created falsified birth certificates, transcripts, passports, driver's licenses, and diplomas under the Lonchomis alias. Co-workers with Lonchomis described him as a "shy but polite, self-determined young man who had made a conscious decision to turn his life around". Many of his colleagues were led to believe that Lonchomis was a former drug-addict. There were no reports of violent or sexually-oriented behavior displayed by Lonchomis. In 2008, Lonchomis informed the company that he would be leaving his job due to a "new opportunity" that had supposedly arisen. When interviewed by a reporter in 2013, his boss vouched that "Lonchomis was a hard-working, bright, and optimistic young man focused on his future. He was an excellent addition to our company". His former career as a stockbroker earned him the nickname "Dayspayer" by news media.
edit Planning of "Mission BHO"
edit Partnership with Chris Meyer
After he left Morgan Keegan in 2008, Poncho-Loomis partnered with Chris Meyer, an ex-con who was looking to pursue a new career in heists and ransom. After learning the extent of Poncho-Loomis's "Mission BHO" plan, Meyer broke off the agreement. Now a professional security analyst, CNN conducted an exclusive interview with Meyer in 2013 about his encounter with Poncho-Loomis. Meyer described him as "perverted and outright disgusting". "At the time, I was looking to get in on some big-ass heists, y'know, like the kind you see in the movies, but this guy wanted to kidnap the possible future president of the United States and chop his genitals off! The guy made me sick. I said no the minute he said it, and hell, this guy is probably what made me get out of crime". Despite Meyer's leave, Poncho-Loomis continued on with the plan himself. During this time, Poncho-Loomis's alleged neighbors report that he was "reclusive and aloof; like some mad scientist working on his next great invention".
edit Partnership with Kate Jones
In mid-2009, Poncho-Loomis met Kate Jones, a former veterinarian who was fired and revoked of her license for a "lewd act" committed on a cat. Poncho-Loomis and Jones became romantically involved, and soon became partners in "Mission BHO". It is reported that Jones (as requested by Poncho-Loomis) cut most of his penis shaft off with a pair of wire strippers, which they shared as a soft shell for a taco. When Barack Obama finally assumed office in 2009, the pair began to build a model of the White House's floor plan, which included all security cameras, fingerprint detectors, and access control stations. Poncho-Loomis (using the alias Phil Ponchis) arranged for a lifelike robot of president Barack Obama (named "Obamadroid") to be built by Japanese engineer Mikoshi Takamurashi. When the robot arrived, Poncho-Loomis and Jones were so impressed with the robot that they celebrated by removing Jones' clitoris and eating it along with refried beans and seasoned rice.
edit "La Iglesia de Nueva Santa Muerte"
According to Poncho-Loomis' and Jones' plan, Poncho-Loomis would invade the White House himself. However, after fracturing his leg while under the influence of LSD, Poncho-Loomis decided to outsource his work. Hoping to find cheap muscle, Poncho-Loomis reportedly traveled to Mexico in 2011 and began to make connections with several local drug moguls. However, Poncho-Loomis could not afford the exorbitant rates proposed by the top hitmen. After stopping in Oaxaca, Poncho-Loomis met three struggling racketeers, calling themselves "Gustav, Guillermo, and Gomez". The three were allegedly trying starting an organized crime circuit in southern Mexico, but soon ran out of money and resorted to small-time larceny and con jobs. Poncho-Loomis, now desperate to find hitmen, offered them far more than what he was able to pay on the condition that they be paid after the job was finished. Eager for work, the three readily accepted the offer. Being deeply religious, the three men saw Poncho-Loomis as the messiah sent from Santa Muerte and treated him as their ultimate master. Soon, friends of the racketeers also began to believe that he was the second coming, and formed "La Iglesia de Nueva Santa Muerte". This religious cult has since grown to thousands of members, and has even spread to parts of Nicaragua, Cuba, and Haiti.
edit The Kidnapping of President Obama
On March 17th, 2013 at 1:25 AM, Gomez entered the White House with the falsified ID of a White House contract plumber. Gustav, Guillermo, and Obamadroid were hidden inside a hollowed-out air handling unit which was wheeled in on a cart by Gomez. After Gomez entered a small electrical closet, he opened the air handler and released the two other men along with Obamadroid. From the electrical closet, Guillermo repatched CCTV wiring to a laptop computer where he saved the "normal" picture of the cameras outside Obama's bedroom, and replaced the live feed with these images. This would allow Gustav to enter Obama's room while fooling the night guards into seeing that there was no one in the hall. Gustav and Gomez, now dressed as waiters, brought the cart covered in black cloth upstairs to Obama's bedroom alongside Obamadroid, while Guillermo remained in the electrical closet to monitor the actual feed of the security cameras to alert the other two if anyone was coming. Meanwhile, Poncho-Loomis remained at home and controlled Obamadroid remotely from a desktop PC. On their way to the bedroom, a security guard stopped the three and asked what they were doing. Obamadroid spoke that "I woke up in the middle of the night with stomach pains." The men had prepared this excuse in case of any question, even putting a bowl of ice, a pitcher of water, and medicine on the cart which they revealed to the guard. The guard told Obamadroid goodnight, and they entered the bedroom. Gomez gave Obama an overdose shot of Zuclopenthixol, and he became unconscious after 30 seconds. Obamadroid crawled into the bed and went to sleep, while Gomez and Gustav hid Obama in the cart and met up with Guillermo downstairs. After repatching the CCTV system to its original state, Guillermo and Gustav got back in the air handler, Gomez changed back into the plumber's uniform, and the three left the White House.
Gustav, Guillermo, and Gomez returned to Poncho-Loomis' and Jones' house at approximately 2:10 AM with Obama who was still unconscious. When he began to show signs of waking up, he was given Propofol, which again rendered him unconscious. This anesthetic was chosen because of its amnesic side-effects, but did not last long enough to provide full pain relief for Obama's impending operation. Thus, Propofol was administered to Obama's system every few hours to prevent him from regaining full consciousness. Obama was laid on Poncho-Loomis' bed while Poncho-Loomis severed his penis and testicles with a scalpel. Jones, who retained medical knowledge from her career as a veterinarian, gave Obama blood through an IV to prevent extreme loss of blood. Jones then quickly stitched his wounds together and gave him pain killers typically used on dogs and pigs. Meanwhile, Poncho-Loomis prepared a sensory depravation tank which he had built prior to Obama's kidnapping. The tank was filled halfway with a highly viscous and odorless liquid solution which would allow Obama's body to float. 9 IV's were attached to different parts of his body (including his ears to induce temporary deafness) which would release weak local anesthetics into his bloodstream every 4 hours to provide a "weightlessness" sensation while floating in the solution, a feeding tube was installed, and an oxygen tube was placed around his nose. Finally, a heart rate monitor, blood pressure monitor, and thermometer were placed on Obama's body, and he woke up at approximately 5:00 AM showing normal signs. An internal camera showed intense movement and tossing/turning from Obama due to disorientation, although he lacked all senses. Jones then remotely administered a sedative to calm him, and his movement stopped shortly thereafter. Obama was kept in the tank for approximately one and a half weeks while he recovered from his operation.
edit Return and Discovery
Shortly after the operation was completed, Gustav, Guillermo, and Gomez quit the job due to lack of payment. Sources in Mexico indicate that the three men were planning to kill Poncho-Loomis if he could not produce their payment in time, but returned to Mexico after learning of his violent past. Left with no professional help, Poncho-Loomis and Jones decided to carry out the return mission themselves, this time employing a simpler plan of action. Controlled by Poncho-Loomis, Obamadroid left the White House along with a chauffeur and came to their home. There, the chauffeur was administered with Propofol and the switch was made. Jones collided a stolen car with the chauffeur's to stage a fake accident, and by the time the real Obama and chauffeur regained consciousness, neither could remember what had happened. Medical examiners concluded that the accident had caused retrograde amnesia. It is reported that Obama's missing genitalia was first noticed at the hospital, but doctors were strictly instructed by Michelle Obama to tell no one. The Obama family held a press conference three days after Obama's release from the hospital, stating to the public that he was to make a full recovery. However, a private White House investigation began regarding Obama's unexplained amputation. According to Obama, the matter was not revealed to the public during this time in order to prevent the spread of rumors and to keep the nation focused on the then-critical congressional sequestration. The family eventually decided that it would remain undisclosed.
In late September 2013, a flood of unsubstantiated reports related to Obama's medical condition gave rise to public curiosity about the status of his health. Early rumors suggested that the President had been treated for testicular cancer, but a photocopy of his medical chart while hospitalized detailing amputated genitalia was Tweeted on September 28, 2013 and republished by The Huffington Post shortly thereafter. The White House issued a public statement confirming the rumors and announced that the President would be appearing on a special live television broadcast later in the day. The President revealed that the investigation had so far concluded that his amnesia was induced with several strong doses Propofol, though he was still unable to remember what happened. The car accident, however, was ruled to be a cover-up by his abuser. The remainder of the broadcast focused on the federal investigation and ended with the President reassuring the public that progress was being made with experimental medical procedures. A still image from the latter portion of his broadcast became the most captioned image of the year, most notably with the meme "Not Balls" (in reference to the "Not Bad" meme).
On January 17, 2014, Poncho-Loomis sent a 1,734-word manifesto to newscaster Rachel Maddow. Though the letter was mailed from a PO box in St. Cloud, Minnesota, the box was reportedly registered under a false identity. Maddow assumed the letter to be a hoax until learning of Poncho-Loomis's background. Upon Poncho-Loomis's request, Maddow did not publicly reveal the exact text of the letter, but instead summarized its contents before turning it over to the FBI for close interpretation. The letter included the alleged backstory on Obama's kidnapping, neutering, and return, along with a brief expression of his love for Jones and a smear of bodily fluid later identified to be the blood of Obama. Now with a prime suspect, the investigation succeeded in obtaining arrest warrants and the manhunt for Poncho-Loomis and Jones began. As of February 2014, Poncho-Loomis and Jones still remain at large with no recent evidence found. The FBI indicated that while his letter does not indicate a motive, his history of genitalia-related crimes adds validity to his confession. The FBI also stated that his letter does not give mention to any future threats.