User:Bobchrist/Contrabassoon

“I'm not manly enough to play the contrabassoon...”
~ Chuck Norris on the contrabassoon

A contrabassoon (or unbassoon) is a device used to warn ships of orchestras nearby. If you are captaining a ship and hear its unearthly noise (which has been compared to God farting) you should immediately steer away from the sound (unless you are feeling suicidal, in which case you should jump overboard).

editRange

The range of the contrabassoon extends about four miles out to sea. This usually gives seafarers enough time to steer away from certain death (or, indeed, to abandon ship if there is no hope of escape).

editHistory

The contrabassoon was invented by Wilhelm Heckel, a Greek philosopher of the early nineties, in light of complaints that the bassoon was not sufficiently annoying loud. At first it was deemed not loud enough to reach approaching ships before it was too late, but when it was pointed out that Heckel had been using an oboe reed in his demonstrations, it was realised that this could be what everyone was looking for.

Only one contrabassoon was ever made. Its current whereabouts are unknown, except, of course, by ships within a 4-mile radius.

editAwesome Rating (out of ten)

$10^{1,000,000}$

editSolo Repertoire

• John cage: Phart Phase for two contrabassoons
• ...