User:Novel/UnNews:The 85th Anal Film Awards Rocks The Night!
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The event was hosted by Mr.T, with special guest hosts Nicki Minaj and marketer Pedobear of Pedobear™. Mr.T opened the night with a performance of Poker Face, which was taken as a comedic performance. T said,"I pity these fools for not getting my hipness. Me and Gaga were a team once, ya know, A team!". Nicki, who just stared in the adult version of Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, was smitten to be a guest host, though was in the hours leading up to the event under a fair rate of controversy from the general public, do to racist comments made outside a Church. Pedobear made a special 4 minute speech, which was interrupted by a naked, some say completely, two-dimensional girl who stormed the stage. Pedo, however, stared at her for the second part of his speech, causing her to be traumatized by the experience. Mr.T also commented on this, remarking:"I pity the fool for being such a fool."
Osamatar took center stage, bagging 7 awards in total. Bin Cameron only prepared speeches for 3 awards, however, and every award after that he used to tell knock-knock jokes. Curious George And The Bomb Squad Find Out Whats In The Bag, My Life As A Teenage Virgin and Its Alah; on a Spaceshuttle! are just some of the films that lost to Osamatar.
"Its massive! I can't believe it! This is bigger then 9/11: The Movie!" said Bin Cameron, after the awards.
We are sure that viewers were brought to tears when Morgan Freeman's film, in which he also stared, Its Raining! won Most Inspiring Film. "We got very wet," Morgan said, before breaking out in tears,"we got, we got very wet trying to make that movie. It was tough, with a lot of obstacles in our way. I would just like to thank our fans. Our purely dedicated fans, who, I would like to tell, that I was diagnosed with..." Morgan was forced to cut his speech in half, due to time constraints.Viewers were also surprised when Godfather of the Bride won the Saddest Death of a Bride at a Mafia Wedding award. We were sure that I Don't Care If You're Italian, Marry Me would win. A reporter has accused the filmmakers of cheating, but, then again, they are Italian. The accusations didn't end there, though. President Evil was second to be called into question, after winning the Best Political Horror Film, which Obamas On A Plane fans were deeply upset about. "Come on," said one female woman,"President Evil is so predictable! I mean, the most shocking thing in it is when Sarah Palin is revealed to be an agent for the Umbrella Party. Duh! Now Obamas On A Plane...now that was shocking. I can't believe Bush was bitten by a Obama and didn't tell his girlfriend till the end of the movie. It was...wow."
The entire crowd gave a massive standing-ovation immediately after M.Night Shyamalan walked off stage, holding his award for The Crappening tight in his hand. It is, however possible, that the crowd was happy with him leaving.
28 Gays Later beat 27 Dresses Later and Thats Not Semen! for the Most Controversial Pornopocalypse Film award, finally getting the praise it had so longly not gotten. Justin Bieber, who auditioned from the film, presented the award, and Danny Boyle skipped across the stage as an acceptance speech. "OMG OMG OMG OMG!" screamed Danny. "I totally can't believe this! This is, like, so surprising! I am so gonna, like, start making a [porno]graphic-novel for anybody who voted for the film. Thanks everybody, especially the guys, since I know how, like, hard this may have been to, like, watch. I love you all! Especially the guys! Mwa!
Iron Man 3, known as Ironing Man, may have been a flop in box office terms, is clearly more liked by the general public then originally thought. After winning the Best Washing Machine Special Effects, actor Robert Downey Jr was seen coming on stage drunk, fully half-dressed in Ironing Man Armour, before spraying washing powder at the audience, screaming, in a mix of words and spit, "Micheal Jackson lives! He is still with us! Sinners beware!". He then fell 14 feet down from the stage, and was kicked out.
After a short performance by Nicki Minaj, the show dedicated 15 minutes of silence and darkness to Japan. After some investigation after the awards, it was revealed that Robert Downey Jr urinated on the powerlines and into a condom, which he hung strategically over the archway and cut a small hole in, so that his urine and semen would drip on anybody entering the room. 15 minutes later, he was caught when the lights went on, rubbing his groin over a picture of half dressed Padmé Amidala in the back of the security room. Natalie Portman, who attended the event, made no comment. This was all caught on film, and there is a rumor that George A.Romero might make a film adaption of the incident, titled Diary of the Drunk. This is not been confirmed, though has not been denied.
Next up we had a touching video, showing numerous animals dancing and flocking around in joy. Suddenly, Raccoons. Nicholas Cage screams. The scenes start to graphically show scenes of raccoons attacking random animals. A explosion ensues, and out of the flames comes a heavily armed two legged dear. Its Bambo, of course! Walking away with Best Animated Action and the Hunters Guild For Writing awards.
The night started to tone down from there, and Attack of the Giant Sockpuppets, Lord of The Blings, I, Phone and Sex and SimCity won some awards, and, crowd least favorite When Spammers Unite, There Will Be Puddi was nominated for Most Pathetic Film, being nominated 7 times but winning nothing. Naturally, it didn't win the Most Pathetic Film award, because it was pathetic.
The night ended with audience favorite, Pride and Predator, winning the Best Romance In Which Someone Gets Eaten In A Non Sexual Manner award. After 2 minutes of applause and groin-thrusting at the stage, Pane Austin, tearfully accepted the award, before starting to hyperventilate. Even though he had the worst acceptance speech of the evening, we were shed tears, and our extra-terrestrial skins, in joy. Though The Lion And The Lamb could have won the award, we were truly amazed when the Predator revealed that he was Martain, not Austrian. The film is the second romance by Pane, the first being My Big Fat Alien Wedding.
At the end of the evening, most guests were unnaturally drunk, thus spawning various sex scandals across America. Don't they all, they say. Don't they all.