User:Blind Pugh/Education for the deaf

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Fat Deaf Person
One of Hitler's 'Taubvolk' during mine-detection training, 1939.


Education for the deaf may seem pointless- a bit like 'Trampolining for quadriplegics' but contrary to popular belief, deaf people can with the proper training contribute much to society.

edit 101 Uses For A Deaf Person

Minefields are, as we all know, dangerous places. During World War II the Germans relied heavily on deaf people to defuse mines and other unexploded ordnance, reassuring trainees that their deafness meant they would be unaffected by the loud explosions which would deafen a real person. The volunteers quickly made a name for themselves as utterly fearless, and although a new volunteer was required to defuse each mine, such was the enthusiasm of the brave German deaf people, or taubvolk, that rapid progress was made, mostly in Poland.

Politicians are mostly deaf, which is why they never seem to take any notice of what their electorate tells them. It also enables them to talk for hours on end without being distracted, during debates at eg the House of Commons. in 1963, Labour Prime Minister Sir Harold Wilson once talked for 11 hours continuously, in a speech which he later described in his memoirs as "...having fallen on deaf ears..." and which mainly concerned his proposed demolition of Buckingham Palace and subsequent replacement with a roundabout. Roundabouts were new to the British in those days and hugely unpopular. Since Wilson was deaf, his language was garbled and droning, as is the language of all deaf people, and the few lip-readers among Wilson's fellow Members of Parliament thought he was talking about rands and baht, the currencies of respectively Rhodesia and Thailand. As a result of this confusion, the Treasury invested heavily in beads and trinkets produced in those countries, and plunged Britain into economic decline.

For a complete list of uses for a deaf person, consult your local library.

edit How To Educate A Deaf Person

Before education can begin, deaf people must first be trapped and caught then herded into corrals with lockable gates and electric fences. Deaf people ignore real people, by holding their hands over their ears and shouting "LaLaLaLaLaLaLa..." until they go away. It is therefore essential to get their attention by thrashing them with leather whips, or directing water cannon at them.

Once they are contained, giant TV monitors can be used to instruct them. Keeping their attention is critical, since if they once look away, they will find something that interests or absorbs them and getting their attention again will mean more whipping and soaking. It's a slow process.

The monitors show pictures of real people going about their daily business, and deaf people (who are wearing white dunce's hats) serving them drinks and meals, sweeping up rubbish, performing sexual acts, and making more drinks and meals. It is important to catch your deaf person as young as possible, before they can acquire undesirable notions of independence and self-worth.

edit Deaf People: The Problems

Most deaf people are quite submissive, but occasionally there will be a bad egg. Laws have been passed by the European Court Of Human Rights protecting real people from the deaf, but even so accidents do still sometimes happen. A recent example is the slaughter of 77 innocent young real Norwegian people by deaf person Anders Behring Breivik, who later wrote his name on a piece of paper- it turns out to be Andrew Perrin Britvic- who claims he went on the rampage because "Dey vas laaarfeeng ap me". This was not considered sufficient provocation for a mass execution, and Britvic was sentenced to 133 years in a damp hole.

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