From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Sunday, August 2, 2015, 02:46:UTC)(
14 January 2011
For the past twenty years, scientists have done their best to find as many causes of cancer as possible. From using cellular phones to ingesting semen, there are barely any day-to-day activities that haven't been found to increase the risk of cancer in humans. But the golden age of such terrifying knowledge is now at an end; a study in Aintree has found that studying such things may well be as carcinogenic as eating red meat, jogging or eating white meat.
"We were about to conclude conclusively that wallpaper can cause tumours in the penis," says cancertitian Yeovil Strauss. "When we heard the terrible news that one of our team had been diagnosed with leukemia. He was the fourth of us to be touched by cancer, and that was when we realised that it was the research that was to blame."
Strauss went on to explain that cancer research must have been the catalyst behind the illness, as it was the only thing that the four scientists had in common. Although one of them was a heavy smoker, one was an alcoholic, one spent long hours sunbathing and the other deliberately injected cancerous cells into his bloodsteam - the team deduced that all these causes were already well known by the public and therefore wouldn't be effective methods of scaremongering.
Widespread panic would ordinarily have followed such a statement, if it hadn't already been determined last Winter that panicking can induce cancer of the spleen. However this has not quelled the concerns amongst the public that there will no longer be any way of knowing how to avoid cancer.
"It was science that taught me to quit sharing my heroin needles," says worried citizen Harry Goodwilly. "And thanks to that advice I managed to stave off cancer for as long as I did. Sure I have AIDS now, but that was probably from playing computer games too much."
In response, science has issued a blanket warning to the populace advising them simply not to do anything. "Don't even think about the causes of cancer, because technically this constitutes as reasearch." People have also been instructed to avoid all so-called "cancer cures" such as chemotherapy, virgin's blood and New Age folk music, because for all we know they could be also be causes.
Critics have pointed out that if scientists had spent half as much time trying to find a cure for cancer as they did trying to find the causes of it, we wouldn't be in this mess now. Science has apologised but also pointed out that cures are simply much harder to find.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|