User:Big Duck/Clerks

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For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Clerks.

“Clerks sell stuff”
~ Captain Obvious on clerks
“Is that a disease?”
~ Captain Oblivious on clerks

“Can you break a twenty?”
~ a person
“No. But I can break your skull”
~ a clerk on above
ThievingClerk

The person to the right is a clerk.

Evil salesman

You can sense your money getting lost already.

Clerks are the people who stand behind cash registers at stores. They are evil as they sustain life by eating your money. In order to get your money lost from you they sell things made in China. Whenever you want Chinese things you go to clerks. When you go to buy these things your wallet rapidly loses weight and the clerk's cash register becomes fatter. Many people, like you, get their money lost to clerks. This is why clerks always have more money than you.

edit Services

A clerk's job is to stand behind the counters at a store to sell you things. These things are usually of low quality because they are MADE IN CHINA. They are called "MADE IN CHINA" because they are manufactured by the Chinese. Prices for things are variable depending on how many children in China were fired making them (and were quickly replaced by acquiring more). Clerks demand an amount of money depending on the price of things: more expensive things make you lose more money whereas cheaper things mean you lose less money.

When a clerk is not behind the safety of his counter (or is neglecting to sell you things) he is likely to be roaming the aisles. While roaming the aisles he carries a price scanner which increases the amount of money you would lose getting things that have been scanned by it. They may also be meeting to discuss tax rates (whether to keep rates at 145% or jack them up to 152%).

edit Getting Your Money Lost

“In Soviet Russia, money loses YOU!!!!”
Yourmoney

This is your money.

Getting your money lost is known to capitalists as buying things. This is explained by the Losing Money Syndrome as "exhanging money you shouldn't have for things you don't need." When buying things you don't need, money magically goes from your wallet to the clerk's cash register. This can be a very punishing experience for those with money they shouldn't have.

Getting your money lost is mathematically explained by the following equation: you + capitalism + money you shouldn't have + shopping = cash register. Notice how your money goes from inside your wallet into the clerk's cash register. The most frightening part of this experience is that most get their money lost willingly.

Money that is lost to clerks is known as being spent. It now belongs to the clerks and will never be yours again.

edit Addiction

“Do you still think clerks are cool?”
~ Mao on addiction

You are likely to have been addicted to clerks since the day you were born. This is referred to as living comfortably and applies to almost all white people as they have money they shouldn't have. The earlier stages of addiction involve regular shopping with brief periods of rest in between. Addicted individuals have been seen strangling their wallets for things MADE IN CHINA and are a danger to you and your family.

edit Shopping Stage

The shopping stage begins with you getting your money lost to clerks for things you don't need. After realizing you could have more things you don't deserve, you may begin going on shopping sprees. While on shopping sprees your money has a tendancy to find itself no longer inside of your wallet. Things you don't need will soon appear in your car and later your house. The shopping stage usually persists until you are poor.

edit Employees Only

EmployeesOnlyDoor

This is the door to the Employees Only room.

The Employees Only room is where clerks breed. In order to secure the breeding they hire security in order to protect themselves. Security, while a predator of you lazily watches you with cameras as you get your money lost finding things you don't need. This is known as surveilance, and ensures that while the clerks are neglecting to sell you things, the store is not broken into. It is in the Employees Only room that everything MADE IN CHINA is stored before contaminating local stores.

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