User:Big Brother Lee/HowTo:Read Hieroglyphics

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It is a basic skill required in Ancient Egypt to be able to read Hieroglyphics. After reading this article, you will be able to:

  • Understand Hieroglyphics
  • Pronouce Hieroglyphics
  • Write Hieroglyphics

Understanding Hieroglyphics

The written Egyptian language is very obvious; it is based on pictures, much like Chinese. In order to read any basic text you are given, simply guess the meaning of each glyph. Here are some guidelines you shall follow, unless you are sentenced to death by drinking the Nile:

  1. Given any glyph, under all circumstances (regardless of whether Cthulu has assassinated the pharoah), its meaning shall be the closest object or action that it resembles.
  2. If the glyph does not fall under the category object or action, it is most likely definitely a color.
  3. Under tight restrictions set by the Egyptian Gods when creating Egypt, the only possible colors represented by glyphs are:
    • Black
    • White
    • Yellow
    • Brown
    • Blue
    • Gold
  4. If a glyph is no object, action or color, then its meaning is either potato or iPod, if it is close enough to a rectangle. This is due to the revolutional Greek invasion after Ptolemy's rule ended, leading to the first ever glyphs that meant an object not originating in Egypt.

Try the following exercise below (do not look at the answers beforehand):

Pronouncing Hieroglyphics

It is easier to pronounce Egyptian hieroglyphics than any other language. Originally, the glyphs were designed for international needs, so most glyphs can be constructed by letters or certain punctuations symbols of the English language.

To read the glyphs out loud like any other Egyptian:

  1. Have two strips of 5-Gum before you are required to speak
  2. Add to the pleasurable experience by lubricating your throat (it is advised for you to use a broom) with petrol
  3. Jumble the letters which make up the glyph
  4. Remove all vowels
  5. Add the vowel 'e' between consanants when required
  6. Say the final English word using Grade One pronunciation skills.

When the glyph is constructed by punctuation, e.g. an underscore (_), then you may be confused when jumbling the letters which make up the glyph (Step 2). All you have to do is add the letters: u, n, d, e, r, s, c, o, r and e to the set of jumbled letters. Then continue the process after completion of Step 2. Reward yourself by:

If you are fat, then read HowTo:Lose Weight
If you are not, then resist from having footwear for breakfast. Put it to a better use (e.g. throwing).

When you are ready, try this test below:

Writing Hieroglyphics

Bonus Section - Basic Aztec/Mayan

See Also

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