User:Ben Bond

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“I'm going to f***ing bury that guy, I have done it before, and I will do it again. I'm going to f***ing kill Ben Uffindell.”
~ Steve Ballmer on Ben Uffindell
“R-r-r-right here stands a man,
with the power to make a diamond with his bare hands.”
~ Kanye West on Ben Uffindell

Ben Uffindell posing as Jesus for the Woman's Day magazine

Benjamin George Uffindell is an English speaking author that resides in New Zealand (not to be confused with Old Zealand). His works include a very generic spoof of The Fellowship of The Ring by J.R.R. Tolkein (and half of The Two Towers) and his epic short story "Detour" - which depicted Patrick Sullivan and Richard Hodges in their fight for survival in the small town of Picton, where normal things don't happen very often.

As well as briefly serving as the 44th President of the United States, he is was also a suspected Grammar Fascist.

Birth, Life and Death

Ben Uffindell was born in a vat of I Can't Believe It's Not Hitler, but his sweet Aryan genetics were tainted when his blonde hair turned brown and his blue eyes to some sort of malty colour. His father, the Deutsch Master Pimp (See Hitler) soon rejected him and shipped him off to live with Mother Teresa and Bill Cosby.

Ben Uffindell was born....

During his long lifespan Ben built several great cities in the clouds, one of which being Cloud City from Star Wars - where he became a Jedi and teamed up with Oscar Wilde to defeat the oncoming onslaught of Communazis.

However, in typical Ben Uffindell fashion, all these great cities collapsed after less than a year. It was discovered later that he considered himself above the great builders available at the time and constructed the main stabilisers himself. Because of this, he was found guilty of genocide, with the death toll that resulted from this act of arrogance estimed at 4982700.

Due to the heinous nature of this crimes, the courts devised a punishment just for him, that was so terrible a document was signed guaranteeing it would never be used again. He was sent to Papanui High School for 5 years, where he currently resides, tortured by prats like the one who wrote half of this article.

Since that fateful sentencing, many people have pleaded for his release, including relatives of the victims, on the basis that his punishment is a little too cruel and unusual.

However, his career as a jedi before his downfall must not be forgotten.

“Ah, I remember those days well, he fought like a King he did - well, a king whose life is desperately in danger of being ended by Steve Ballmer.”

During his time as a Jedi, he defeated the following great tyrants:

Alas, his great legacy was ended in 2012 when Steve Ballmer F***ing killed the omniverse

Criticisms of Benjamin George Uffindell

“They're so anonymous, I don't even know who they are”
~ Ben Uffindell on Love
  • He signed a petition stating that he should be shot

Ben Uffindell Quotes

The following are a list of ACTUAL quotes ACTUALLY said by Ben Uffindell, ACTUALLY.

“Whoa man. I mean... Whoa!”
~ Oscar Wilde on Ben Uffindell Quotes
“If it floats, shoot it. If it sinks, shoot it again”
~ Ben Uffindell on Jewish Parades

Complete Works

Ben Uffindell himself is invited to add to the lists above, in order to raise general awareness about his achievements (and failures).

  • The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring [1]
  • Detour
  • The Veiled Arab from Bangkok
  • Albert Einstein: A Biography
  • Wilbor Fingerdinger: An Autobiography
  • The Seagull and the Sheep
  • Uffindell has also written and produced several movies, the most notable of which is the Ben Bond series.
  • In addition to this, he invented the popular game series consisting of casio 1, casio 2, and casio 3.

Incomplete Works

  • The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers [2]
  • The Wrath of the Author
  • The Terminus
  • The Wrath of the Author 3
  • Eyes of Babylon
  • Hit and Run

...And MANY more.


  1. According to me.
  2. According to me.
Preceded by:
George W. Bush
President of the United States
2008 - 2012
Succeeded by:
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