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This article is too close to the TRUTH!
Citizens should begin to feel uneasy or bemused now. Fnord.
After several president's had a hard time keeping themselves to themselves, the Secret Service was instituted to keep the president secret. This organization is for the presidents benefit and takes care of him when his playmates get too friendly. They are crucial to the protection of America and work tirelessly day and night to protect the president from perverts on his Myspace page, block any pop-ups on his compy that may or may not cause him to experience arousal, and filter email messages to only include those from his wife, girlfriend, and Nelson Mandela.
Former President Herbert Hoover had a bad habit of getting intimate with little girls. This was overlooked by members of his Cabinet and Hoover (who can blame him) did not know he was doing anything wrong. He eventually became so fascinated by his little friends that he spent all of the country's money paying their parents, thus causing the Great Depression. In 1932 FDR was elected and imposed monumental changes in government structure, saving the nation from collapsing into hell. Soon after his first touch-free 100 days, however, officials close to the President noticed his day-care teacher getting a little too suggestive with the President. The Secret Service was initiated to protect the president from further harassment from his caretakers.
The Secret Service uses several techniques to ensure that the President is well informed of what types of touch are appropriate/inappropriate in social situations. Different techniques are utilized, depending upon what kind of learner the President is. Secret Service members live to serve their country, and there is little they will not do to keep the president safe. Common practices include hands-on activities, instructional videos, and, to keep the Presidents mind on other things, Kitten Huffing. Frequent Candle-lit dinners with the President are also observed, but only when his wife is out of town. The Secret Service can be seen just about anywhere the President can be seen. They drive around in big vehicles which say Secret Service on the side and stare fixedly at the president while he is giving a speech to remind him not to touch his "Secrets".
edit The Agents
Secret Service agents are always ex-military and/or law enforcement, have some kind of weird obsession with big guns, and wear aviator sunglasses even when it's cloudy outside. They can be seen standing on the roof of the White House with sniper rifles and sometimes tackle innocent bystanders to show the President how cool they are. These agents are required to have no criminal record, but they are also required to be able to pass a polygraph test, so this does not necessarily mean that their hobbies do not include rape, arson, murder, child molestation, child abuse, child murder, cursing, kitten huffing, and any other crime that may have occurred under the age of 18. Secret Service agents are heavily screened to ensure that only those with the highest level of affection for the President are hired. In order to be protected from bad touches, each agent must have a completely private, off-the-record interview with the President before he/she/it can be hired.
Most Secret Service men also have a degree in childhood education from BYU or are Methodist Priests. Both of these qualifications are strongly sought after by recruiters, as they enable agents to perform their job with more efficiency.
edit The Premise
To the uninformed, the Secret Service protects the president in the event of an assassination attempt. However, astute political observers note the obvious need for the president to know the dangers of bad touch, and connect the dots. It is quite obvious that Agents relish the privilege of teaching the president these social rules of engagement. Although some folks say that the president does not need to be taught to respect his body, all one has to do to quell this argument is recall the horrors of the Depression, and say with gusto, "But he is learning so much!". Indeed, it becomes increasingly obvious that we need these brave souls to serve the secret.