User:Atomik Spongeface/LHC

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33 Degree

The original Masonic blueprints for the Large Hadron Collider.

For those without comedic tastes, the so-called experts at Wikipedia have an article about Atomik Spongeface/LHC.
“Colliding hadrons is the greatest pleasure one can experience while fully clothed.”
~ Oscar Wilde on the LHC
“A particle accelerator is not unlike the accelerator found in a motor car except it's much, much bigger and used to accelerate things that are much, much smaller.”
~ Phil Osophy on the LHC
“In light of the activation of the LHC, I'm gonna show you how to whip up a fucking delicious proton-ion soup.”
~ Gordon Ramsey on the LHC

The Large Hadron Collider is a particle accelerator that has not yet destroyed the world.[1] When activated, it will accelerate protons to almost the speed of light, before colliding them at precisely 13.5 billion kerjigatrons. This will hopefully answer a lot of scientific questions, such as "Was it really worth going to all that effort only to have Earth crushed into a quantum singularity?"

The LHC has been built near Geneva, Switzerland by CERN - the European Organisation for Stupid Acronyms - and cost approximately 6.4 billion euros to construct. Sarah Palin fought it as the "Bridge to Nowhere", and proposed that stuffed bears were used instead of protons.


With such a dramatic and over the top approach, it's no wonder the original advert for the LHC failed.

The Large Hadron Collider is not to be confused with the other LHC, the Large Hardon Collider, which funded and operated by CERN's gay counterpart. However this machine is only similar by name and has nothing to do with physics, as it is merely an experiment in large-scale sex machines.

edit History


An early mock-up of the LHC. This version collided scale-model Proton cars, from which the current candidate for collisions takes its origin.

The original Large Hadron Collider is a slot car track and is made out of plastic and metal. It was built in 1666 by the Freemasons in secret tunnels underneath London, England. The original experiment was an abject failure as they couldn't keep it cold enough using the technology available at the time (lots of men with buckets of water). The resulting fire destroyed almost the entirety of the South West of England (in an event which due to the London-centric nature of English thought is now known only as the Great Fire of London). This original LHC (actually called Thee Larrge Haydronne Collydere at the time as correct spelling had not yet been invented) was never recovered by competent individuals; however, it is believed to have been recovered after the fire by the Illuminati, though some of the tunnels were later rediscovered and used as part of the London Underground, not to be confused with the Velvet Underground. Retranslation in 2006 revealed that it's original name meant to be the "Large Hand-Drawn Colider".

In 1908, the Russians decided to make another stab at a Large Hadron Collider, at a secret base called Tunguska. Russia figured that its winters would be cold enough to make a successful experiment. Unfortunately, the Tsar didn't know how to keep a schedule, and the Collider experiment took off in the summer rather than in the winter. It promptly attracted a rock from outer space and exploded. That ended the Tsarist attempt at its "Bolshoy Hadronsky Collidersky".

In the 1970s, the gay rights movement sponsored the construction of another Large Hadron Collider as part of the sexual revolution. It was, however, canceled when someone realized that it was in fact "Large Hadron Collider" and not "Large Hard-on Collider."

During the past 20 years of construction and cooling of the latest particle accelerator local farmers and residents have experienced UFO activity including phenomena such as unexplained lights, sightings of flying disks, and socks that go missing in the dryer. In the interest of protecting livestock "scareufos" were erected on many portions of farmland to frighten off any mischevious aliens. The scareufos, which took the appearance of the Flatwoods Monster successfully reduced the amount of local UFO activity, however these strange constructions had a tendency to bring back numerous corn-hungry crows that no longer paid any attention to scarecrows built to keep them away. In recent years, a solution was invented to fix the problem of compromising corn for security from extraterrestrials by an engineer from CERN who invented a new kind of pest repelling monument. The statues are 5' 10", made from steel, concrete, and leather and accurately resemble Chuck Norris. They were a complete success and scared away all Crows, UFOs, half the farmers, and a couple hobos that nobody knew about.

edit What Is It For?

There are three answers and a hypothetic unconfirmed idea to this question.

The Large Hadron Collider (LHC) is actually the brain child of H.P. Lovecraft and will in fact bring Yog-Sothoth in to our realm. And Large Hadron Colider will wake up Cthulhu from his eternal sleep.

The official answer is that it is being used to kill off all the human-eating aliens in the universe by destroying their primary food source.

The real answer is that it is being used as part of a conspiracy by the Freemasons, Cthulhu Cultists, the Illuminati and David Icke to punch a hole in the Van Allen Belt which will allow Satan's Armies to return to Earth and enslave us all. That being said, it will probably kill the human-eating aliens anyway, as they are likely to starve in the absence of food.

The unconfirmed hypothetic idea, proposed by Madame DuBarry, states that the LHC is humanity's last hope and was comissioned by the Illuminati / Freemasons alliance against the invader planet Nibiru in 2012. You see, the black hole that will be created by the LHC will be used to deflect Nibiru's orbit so it will not pass by near Earth uncausing the predicted geomagnetic perturbances on Earth. This, consequently, will impossibilitate the Reptiloids / Reptilians / Reptoids from emerging from their underground lairs to enslave / eat humanity since the Earth's upper atmosphere won't be scrapped off by the unpassing of Nibiru. (The reptiloids, as reptiles, need an extra bit of UV radiation from the Sun to inhabit Earth's surface. In their underground lairs, inside the Hollow Earth, they have artificial Suns which do really not compare to the real thing, but at least enable them to survive until the next passing of Nibiru, provided there is not another Chicxulub Event.) And Large Hadron Colider will open time-space portal and bring Cthulhu and his minions to the earth.

edit Higgs' Bo'sun

Cap'n Peter "Bloody" Higgs was a notorious pirate and part-time physicist. When he wasn't plundering Spanish gold shipments around the Caribbean he would be found at the University of Edinburgh messing around with particle physics. In both of these ventures he was helped by his Bo'sun (whose name has been lost to history), the only member of his crew he trusted to neither nick off with all the booty nor try to tell him his theories were wrong. It was during testing of the Really Small Hadron Collider (essentially a working model based on the blueprints for the original LHC) that the unfortunate Bo'sun accidentally looked directly into the beam and was dispersed into elementary particles. Higgs was distraught and afterwards all his research was dedicating to finding traces of his trusty companion who Higgs believed was now to be found in the middle of every single atom ever.

It is believed by the surviving members of Higgs' scurvy crew, many of whom now work at CERN, that the Large Hadron Collider will be able to reconstitute the Bo'sun so he can tell them where the gold is.

edit Producing Fast Food

Scientists claim that Large Hadron Collider may produce strange matter. Upon success this will resolve food shortages around the world and all the children in Africa will live happily ever after. CERN has already signed an agreement with McDonalds to distribute strange matter. The fast food chain is set to introduce the McStrangelet in Europe in the begining of April 2009.


Ronald McDonald in the LHC.

edit The Conspiracy

Travelling into space from Earth is not possible. This is due to the presence of the Van Allen Belt. The Van Allen Belt will immediately destroy all organic matter that passes through it, which is why the moon landings never happened. Thus far the Van Allen Belt has been doing a sterling job of keeping Satan's interdimensional war fleet away from our planet, but the Freemasons and the Illuminati, together with their leader David Icke, want to welcome their Dark Lord onto this Earth whereupon an age of terror and slavery even worse than Bill Clinton's dictatorship shall be ushered in.

edit Britney's theory

A group of scientists argued the LHC will produce the end of our world within milliseconds after a non-important black hole (NIBH) will be produced. However they demonstrated our universe will be automatically translated into a parallel universe. All the properties of our world will be conserved and all the laws of physics and economy will be identical and all the people and animals will be duplicated into the new universe with only one exception: Britney. The scientists have yet to figure what is going to happen with Britney and with our world (in the new universe) without her. So far one remark has been made, to modify the lyrics of one song into "It's no Britney, Bitch!".

edit How Does It Work?

Falcon Collider

Visual explanation of the Large Hadron Collider

The LHC will fire two beams of supersymmetrically strung 48-dimensional hadrons in opposite directions around the "doughnut" (so called because some of the younger physicists kept sniggering whenever anyone said "ring"). Accelerator Magnets - which were designed in conjuction with Hornby whose Scalextric product provided a valuable inspiration for powering the LHC with electricity instead of dogs on treadmills as in the original version - will keep the particles going round and round getting faster and faster until they exceed the speed of light and achieve what is known as Warp Speed.

Artists impression of the LHC as viewed from space.

Once Warp Speed has been achieved the Overseers at CERN will be able to press their Big Red Button which will simultaneously send out an electromagnetic beam to punch a hole in the Van Allen Belt and send a microscopic black hole to the centre of the Earth which only Satan and his minions will have the technology to deal with, thus creating the situation in which we have to accept them as our overlords or they'll just let the Earth and everything on it be sucked into an area approximately the size of the average McDonald's burger's vitamin content.

An alternative use is time travel, but, so far, the only person to use it for that purpose is Karl Rove, who went back to the 90s to mess up ballots and elect Bill Clinton, because as we all know no sane society would ever elect such an abomination of a human being to office.

edit Apocolypse

Though the LHC has not yet destroyed the world in a supermassive black hole this is only because the LHC has only created localized wormhomes that lead to mirror dimensions. These wormholes are only being supressed by scientist playing videos of chuck norris to them while they sleep.

Scientists expressed disapointment at the lack of destruction. Infact they were so disgusted that they've headed straight back to the drawing board and planned something involving "a sea of coca-cola and 40 tonnes of softmints". We're unclear on the exact science, all we know is that we're all going to die.

edit In Popular Culture

The Large Hadron Collider is to feature heavily in Pixar's next movie, It's Particle Time, which will have been general released in early 2012, but will have not been going to be have been released due to the destruction of the Earth. The movie is a simple story of two elementary particles and the love they have for each other. John Ratzenburger will star as Strange Quark. Please refer to fred for more useless information on the large hadron collider.

The song You Spin Me Round by Dead or Alive was inspired by the Large Hadron Collider.

The CERN particle physics lab was the inspiration and setting for the erotic paperback novella Large Hard-on Collider. The plot revolves around the secret affairs of a group of bi-curious nuclear physicists and engineers and follows the tone of similar physics based porn such as The Secret Diary of Marie Curie and Fat Man and Little Boy: The Erotic Times of Robert Oppenheimer.

edit References


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