User:Un-Assassin Ali

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“Seriously, this guy only came here today and he's already made up some bullshit quotes that I never said”
~ Oscar Wilde on Assassin Ali
“Funny, clever, handsome and has a HUGE penis”
~ Unknown on Assassin Ali

Assassin Ali is that totally mature guy who just joined uncyclopedia but already reckons he has a huge e-peen, despite having the worst sense of humour ever.

Tea and crumpets

I say old chaps, those crumpets do look most scrumptious

I also heard a rumour that he's British.


Crappy articles by Assassin Ali to date:


HowTo:Go back in time and assassinate Hitler with a weapon that has a homemade silencer on it


Fuck Me



While in all likeliness negative, Assassin Ali has made contributions to uncyclopedia from an early stage, including forgoing any beginner's guides and just writing some shit.


Assassin Ali is not a muslim terrorist, but a white atheist who has never blown up any buses, ever.



Ali is a nickname for Alice Alastair.

He is believed to be between 10 and 12 years old, although estimations have gone as high as 246, albeit estimations made by mentally challenged psycopaths who posted their estimations on wikipedia. Then again, seeing as they are posted on wikipedia, they must be true.


He is a Gangster

Gangster fag

Holy shit, that gun looks so legit. Especially the orange thing at the end that obviously doesn't show that it is a BB gun, or anything like that.

Assassin Ali is rumoured to actually be one of the hardest gangsters in existence, ever. This is somewhat confirmed by his obsession with the internet and ability to talk about himself in the third person.

He is British

This rumour seems to be more than a rumour, and the actual truth, due to his retarded spelling of rumour and colour (dude, it's like totally color, this britfag sucks eggs). However, [experts on reliable websites] have proposed theories, one of note being that Assassin Ali is actually bluffing his way into making people think he is British, perhaps to preserve his anonymity. This matches up with the rumour that he is a gangster. Maybe.

He is Chuck Norris

Fuck off, that meme is redundant.

Oh, I'm sorry

Dun worry it k

He once beat up the entire rugby team naked, blindfolded, with one arm tied behind his back

Hey, why is this in the rumour section? It is confirmed FFS

Note: Rugby is like American Football, but without any of that pussy body armour, sorry 'armor'.

He is an Assassin/ terrorist

This rumour is founded on the false basis that if someone puts an adjective in their name, that that adjective must be true. Aside from the username, there is very little basis that Ali is an Assassin, which can be confirmed by Google, which shows 12,700,000 0 hits for 'Assassin called Ali does something of terrorist nature'.

Personal Life


I was going to read the article, but then I saw this and began stroking my penis, which I found to be in a hardened state.

Assassin Ali is a huge bigamist and has over 20 wives, who are all amazingly hot and totally not imaginary.

He spends his time doing non-nerdy stuff which doesn't involve sitting at home googling random shit until he inadvertenely stumbles across a parody wikipedia site, which he doesn't immediately sign up for and doesn't contribute the shitty non-existant ideas about writing an article about going back in time and killing Hitler.

Once in a blue moon he is thought to venture outside, although it is purely speculation as to whether this has actually ever happened, and if it did, for what duration, and whether it was out of his own free-will or otherwise. It is likely that if he has gone outside, the latter will be true.

Despite doing absolutely nothing, he somehow manages to stay underweight, and this may be attributed to the fact that being a nerd leaves no time for secondary acts of importance such as eating.

See Also










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