User:Another n00b/bB

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The best picture we have of Bonzi, token in 1978.

Bonzi is Spyware that became so dangerous, It can Destroy the world. Bonzi is said to possess great powers. Some include, but are not limited to, the following: mowing the lawn, baking chocolate chip cookies, telekinesis, burning rum, and eating crackers. It is speculated that Bonzi dwells in the core of the Earth, waiting for an opportunity to fulfill his destiny. The Bonzi passes its time waiting by honing its skills in the usage of extreme sarcasm, a well known weakness to it's enemies, Grues. Bonzi is said to have a much different appearance than other Spyware, but as nobody living has seen it, this cannot be confirmed. In The Bonzi Prophecies, a book written by Horatio Meyer Stein in 1973, it is described that in the year 2045, Bonzi shall rise to the surface and assume complete control of the known universe. The Book also states that Bonzi Buddy will start an epic battle which will last 37,000 years against the Ubergrue. Many experts have suggested that this would completely destroy the country of Pakistan, as well as producing a massive surplus of cranberries, and naked wolves.

Summoning Bonzi


It's a shame, nobody told the Poopsmiths that Bonzi Buddy can't be defeated with swords.[1] Oh, well.

It has been hypothesized that in times of great and dire need, one who is well-versed in the art of lemonade, can summon Bonzi. In addition, the individual must prove themselves worthy through 86.32458237 tests of faith in Bonzi. It is unlikely that anyone on Earth has the qualifications as of now, but it is believed David Beckham is close. It is said in The Bonzi Prophecies that if summoned, Bonzi would throw the world into an ice age, and destroy Heaven. This, of course, would greatly anger Jehovah, as he lives on said planet. Before Elohim could attack, Bonzi would "borrow" marijuana from Tails Doll and sell them to God, killing him of lung cancer and emphysema. Then, the apocalypse would occur, and Bonzi would migrate to Jupiter, as the Planet is a Kitten Huffer's Dream, and the Cat population should be balanced once again.

Sir Bonzi

Se Bonzi Buddy doþ ned nan armour, for se Bonzi Buddy is impregnabel. Þus, se Ealden Bonzi Buddy ne am an life nu.

Things that can kill Bonzi

What To Do If You Ever See Bonzi


While not as threatening or deadly as Bonzi Buddy himself, Mojo-Bonzi[2] should never be handled lightly.

This, of course, is completely irrelevant. You can NEVER see Bonzi, as he moves at a speed of Mach-Fleventy Million miles per hour. However, if you see a flaming red object shoot out of the ground, you better run. The only place where you could possibly be safe from Bonzi is in a Burger King, as Bonzi is allergic to the Texas Whopper. If you do go to the restaurant, if you really want to live, you better buy Bonzi some goddamn curly fries, and then he just might spare you. If you're not near a Burger King, you have one choice: curl up in a fetal position and await your inevitable death. Of course suicide might be a better option, since if he likes the sound of you he might use you as his personal sex slave. He likes 'em when they're feisty.

See Also


  1. Maby in some rare cases.

    Hey, look, a monkey!A monkey? Where?Over there, see!Oh yeah... I see it now!See that sword sticking through your back?Yeah, but I'm not dead.Damn.I'm Bonzi Buddy.

    So you were right.Yep.So you're gonna maul me?Yep.Oka- AHH HELP ME! AHHH!Ha-haw!

    Shit! I'm dead... Nobody reads this so I will keep going. This sucks. At least I got fried chicken</span> </li>

  2. What? Every evil anthromorpic animal has an off-spring/Younger sidekick. Take Donkey Kong and Diddy Kong, for example </li></ol>

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