User:Andy of Comix, Inc./The Chaser's War

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This is an exact replica of The Chaser's War on Everything, which is currently on VFD. In case it does get deleted, I've got a copy here so I can edit it when I come back from holidays.



“It is certainly not a comedy.”
~ Commisioner Cole, AWB Enquiry
“Overlong even by my standards.”
~ Peter Jackson
“Much harder to sell than the Kath & Kim DVDs.”
~ ABC Shop Employee
The Chaser's War on Everything
Part of War on Terra (The funny kind. Not funny like clown funny, more funny like starting fires funny)
800px-Chris-Taylor-on-CNNNN

"Welcome to the War." ...Chris Taylor announces that the war is now full in progress, as of September 5th, 2007.
Date 2005-2007
Location Australia
Result World War III
Combatants
Australian Born Communists Everything
Casualties
1, 234, 673 people (and one chimp) Nobody cares
The Chaser's MySpace
Total friends? 1282.

The Chaser's War on Everything is a war than spanned from 2005 - 2007. The war involved five soldiers, all of whom were "comedians". The War on Everything was canceled by the ABC due to an overwhelming body count and The Chaser winning far too many battles.

Beginning

The Chaser are a small military faction situated somewhere in the southern hemisphere. Their tactics include a range of comically adaptable gags and jokes aimed at (or on) popular culture, magazines, political spearheads, Current Affairs programs and embarrassingly out-of-date television shows.

The Chaser were formed 2003 to promote CNN. Now they are a full military faction suited for full-scale Armageddon.

The Chaser's War on Everything
The Chaser's War on Anything - The Chaser's War on Everything that's Good and Holy




The Fighters

The fighters of The Chaser range from excellent musicians to bald, glasses wearing nerds. The warriors are named from popular to least popular as C1, C2, C3 ("C" standing for "Chaser" and the number standing for the amount of meal's they've had that month). Each one has different skills and abilities.

C1 - Liuetenant

Andrewhansen

Andrew Hansen in full battle garb.

C1 (actual name Andrew Hansen) is well suited for war. For one thing, he has a suit. For another, he has the most retarded smile that has ever blessed television. His comedy style attacks most everyone without a sense of humour, and breaks their hearts by pretty much saying "comedy is still very much alive" in every skit. Unfortunately he was killed in battle in 2006. His funeral included one of his greatest songs ever played, "the filler song", which is just him saying "this is the filler song" to the same chord pattern over and over, finishing with "Peter Meakin is a Pisshead" to the same tune. His notable achievements include killing John Howard and escaping and attacking force of 50 Entertainment Weekly reporters.

C2 - Tank Driver, Man with the Ladder

400px-Seth Green Philadelphia 2005 1

Not an Australian, but his comedy style sure works well with this

C2 is now living in America after being part of The Chaser. His real name is Seth Green, and he stars in his own special segment called "Green in the USA". He pretty much walks around annoying pedestrians and proving contreversial issues false. The US government enjoys using his skills for war, and even though part of The War on Everything, he is involved in the Robot Chicken War. How he got into these he doesn't know. He doesn't even know which ridiculous haircut to wear in the morning. DAMN his haircut sucks... Nonetheless, his notable achievements include destroying the Death Star and telling off George Bush when he commented that the War on Everything was "not as cool as the War on Terror".

C3, C4, C5 - "the rest"

Chascage

Chas (C4) is arrested by the UnPC Police and put in a POW camp, where he wrote his life into a book and then burned it.

The other Chasers just don't measure up to the popularity of the Chasers like Seth and Andrew. For instance, Julian Morrow is bald and Humourbot 5.0 hasn't been built yet. As such, they contribute to the show by standing around, looking around awkwardly and laughing at all the good jokes. Their segments include asking ten questions and putting together musical numbers. They are the annoying people. Their most celebrated achievement is getting a bus full of people to admit that "The Rich List" is a "shithouse Channel 7 show". Actually, I applaud them for that. Some achievements include building tanks, winning Space Invaders in only thirty seconds, and researching Battlefield 2: Modern Combat for inspiration.

The Targets

The Chaser has made many enemies, many of which are actually kind of cool.

T1

"T1" - real name [Insert name of current Australian Prime Minister here] - is the number one target of the Chaser's war. Real fucking creative. Of course, his team of lackeys and backbenchers are also usually targetted. This has made the Chaser very popular with the opposition. Except that the Chaser also target the opposition, too.

T2

"T2" - or Telstra's T2 network - has many a time been a target of The Chaser and their schemes. Sometimes, they comment on slow broadband and the way it slows down their computer porn. Other times, they complain that the help service doesn't really help at all. Other times, its incoherent rambling by a bunch of blokes who drink beer every day of the week and only sober up for 9:00pm of a Wednesday. (Or when they actually tape the show on a Tuesday :) )

T3

"T3" - e.g., <insert name here>. That's right! As part of being a War on Everything, <insert name here> has been placed in the line of fire. Scud missiles, frogs, and plagues of locusts will be sent towards your home one day very soon, so watch your back! Because The Chaser... are... pissed!

T4

"T4" - otherwise known as that sweet, drug trafficking little red monster that scares little children. Elmo has not once been seen as a target of the Chaser, yet many times, people comment on how he should be. In theory, Elmo has been pissed of so many times by The Chaser's War on Everything, he technically counts as a target. But technically, communism works.

The Battle of the Bulge

Private Drifter bennington copy

Elmo prepares to fight back against the Chaser. Let's hope for the sake of comedy he loses

January 5th, 2005. The Chaser had recently been formed, and already they had made some mortal enemies. Anna Corrin from Today Tonight had come up with a tactic to erase the new enemy from the TV Guide competition. She, David Koch, Cookie Monster and Peter Meakin formed an army big enough to eradicate the newfound threat.

The Chaser reacted to the activity in enemy movement by releasing their greatest weapon - the Chaser ray, onto their fellow combatants. The Chaser ray works much like an Anal Probe - it seeks its target and makes them spontaneously combust... however, after a MA15+ rated Season Two DVD, they redesigned the ray simply to tap its target on the shoulder and give them a bitch slap.

The Battle of the Bulge took place in the middle of that year, on a grassy field which seemed awfully familiar to a 1999 George Lucas movie, which was a prequel to his own work. The Chaser lined up looking straight at their fellow army. The fight began, and Andrew Hansen was brutally cut down by a TV personality who would rather not be mentioned. A vicious firefight ensured.

"The Bulge" refers to the spot on Chaz's left knee where he was attacked by vicious dogs in Season One. When his bulge gets hit by the Chaser ray, it turns into a massive creature, not unlike The Blob, and it kills the newfound army in ways so violent and cruel it would make Kratos cry. The battle was won, and the Chaser celebrated their first victory... but Andrew was wheeled off in a body bag and Chaz was in a coma for the next 12 weeks.

A Pointless Expensive Crock

The animated chaser

The opening sequence for the short lived, yet genuinely authentic, The Animated Adventures of The Chaser's War, which was a scam piece to catch the preschool audience. Rated MA15+.

When the APEC started in Sydney, the Chaser tried to gun down George W. Bush. Unfortunately they completely forgot that the idea of APEC is to use completely unnesesarry security measures (including random checks in Melbourne, which is 800km away.) The Chaser hadn't prepared that George would be travelling in a ship surrounded by lots of other military vessels, with helicopters above and sub-nuclear submarines below, and snipers on every corner of the ship. Apparantly the Chaser got ahold of a tank, but gave up after having a terrible time parallel parking. The next day 2 members of The Chaser were arrested for Breaking into Sydney. They may go to jail for this incident, because many people these days have no sense of humour.

The War's Current Status

The Chaser seemed to have dissappeared for several months, and have officially been pronounced dead. This information may turn out to be false, as the radical militant group Australian Born Communists, more commonly known as the ABC, have reported that they have been found in Ultimo, Sydney hidden in a hole underneath Studio 22, planning for a major assult on the 5th of September, 2007. While most targets have been eradicated off the face of the Earth, there are still many targets left out there. Are you one?

Easy Complaints Form

What would you rather replace The Chaser's War on Everything with?
 
14
 
13
 
77
 

The poll was created at 03:12 on August 31, 2007, and so far 104 people voted.


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