User:Andorin Kato/Hägrid the Horrible
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“It started off as a joke!”
Hägrid the Horrible is the name of a comic strip series featured in the Daily Prophet, the newspaper for all things wizardly. The strip has received strong reader feedback among the wizarding world for its depiction of Hägrid the Horrible, a wizard from an age long ago, and Hägrid's adventures around old England with his friends. The strip was developed and drawn by Colin Creevey, student of Hogwarts School of Witchraft and Wizardry, during Potions class. Speculation exists as to whether the fumes from the cauldrons have in some way affected the outcome of the strip.
It is 10th century England. Pureblooded wizards roam the land, inventing new spells, discovering new magical creatures, creating new silly-looking robes and hats to dress their kids up in. None would have expected a threat from the outside, from beyond the sea. But indeed, Hägrid the Horrible and his merry band of Vikings have come from lands beyond the horizon to invade, siege, pillage, plunder, rape, and thoroughly screw over all of civilized England.
Readers follow Hägrid as he:
- Takes on the challenge of laying waste to a Western England city and staying drunk at the same time (week four)
- Crosses wide plains, tall mountains, raging rivers, and thick forests before finally finding a service station (week ten)
- Accidentally ends up courting the King of England, through a series of unfortunate misunderstandings (weeks twenty-six through twenty-nine)
- Deals with anal-retentive tax collectors and cruel executioners (week thirteen and half of week fourteen)
- Endures adolescent drama from his own children (all the damn time).
- Hägrid: Tall, strong, and very, very big, Hägrid is a fierce Viking warrior with a fist of stone and a liver of iron. Underneath his powerful exterior beats the heart of a loving father and husband; his family is so very close to the top of his favorites list, it warms his heart just thinking about it. Hägrid has a passion for alcohol, dragons, and destroying the English and taking their stuff. However, Hägrid hates taking baths, not only because he feels it's "unnatural", but also because it's always a hassle for him to wash every inch of his enormous body. In the off-season, Hägrid holds the position of Keeper of Keys and Grounds at Hogwarts. He is also the Care of Magical Creatures teacher and mentor to Harry Potter.
- Maxyme: Hägrid's redheaded wife, almost as large as he is, and just as strong on the inside. She makes up for Hägrid's terrible cooking skills by supplying her own; she is an amazing chef and can whip up a gourmet meal from nothing but a bottle of nutmeg, a potato, two apples, and several pounds of mutton. This is not a rare occurrence; Hägrid's poor financial management skills often leave the group with little choice concerning their nourishment, especially on long journeys at sea. Maxyme cares deeply for her family and takes any action to protect them. She does, however, have a bit of a weakness for treasure plundered from Englishfolk.
- Chö: Hägrid and Maxime's beautiful daughter of 17. She is truly a maiden among maidens; while not overly bright, she nonetheless is enduringly sweet. She wears an iron chastity belt in every single one of her appearances. Men from all over crave a piece of her ass, but she reserves that ass for Cedrik, her darling sweetheart. Chö is adventurous and daring, often surprising everyone except her father, who is instead proud of his daughter's stout heart.
- Cedrik: Chö's boyfriend, fiancee, and aspiring bard. Cedrik is fairly wimpy, often showing his distaste in Hägrid's daring adventures. He enjoys singing and dancing, along with rhyming, acting, and the occasional pillaging. Between this and his relationship to Chö, there has been much controversy over his sexuality. At least a dozen fanboys have written entire books concerning the Great Straight Debate, as unofficially called by readers. Cedrik accompanies Hägrid's group on their journeys solely because of Chö, but his knowledge of ancient Scottish folklore saved the lives of the gang when they were confronted by Scottish monks and had to bluff their way into their temple (week seventeen).
- Ernest: Hägrid's adopted son. The lack of family resemblance is obvious; in contrast to his generally brave and adventuresome parents and sister, Ernest is shy, introverted, and weak of spirit. He can't stand the sight of blood, so he often hangs back on the longboat while the rest of the crew goes out on missions. He is a fairly competent sailor, if a bit prone to seasickness, and is often roped into piloting the ship while his father recovers from wounds, fatigue, or a hangover. He is very intelligent and knowledgeable, and is always seen with a book under one arm. The mere fact that he can read sets him aside from the rest of the crew.
- Lucky Kneville: Hägrid's best friend and Viking co-captain. He doesn't make a very good Viking, due to his clumsiness and noticeable lack of intelligence, but his giant heart makes up for it. Unfortunately, since being gentle is yet another anti-Viking trait, that just makes him even more of a screw-up. Lucky Kneville often ends up as the pawn in Hägrid's schemes, but because he is so accident-prone, those schemes fail almost every single time. He has difficulty with the most rudimentary spells and is generally regarded as the laughingstock of the party. Nevertheless, Lucky Kneville is an old friend of Hägrid's, and they're practically inseparable.
- Knorbert: Hägrid's pet duck.
- Fjang: Hägrid's loyal dog. Despite being the party's animal of choice and guardian of the food stores, Fjang is about as mean-spirited as Lucky Kneville. He would much rather lie down in front of a warm fire and lick himself in Non-Catholic ways than spend several weeks tossing and turning on a longboat in the middle of an ocean storm. But Fjang will follow Hägrid wherever he may go- especially if there's food involved.
- Snäype: Hägrid's old college roomate and best friend. Snäype is not your typical Viking, preferring to stay home and brew potions instead of raiding.
edit The strip
Hägrid the Horrible first appeared in the Daily Prophet on March 17th, 2005, nestled between the Sports section and an advertisement for Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. (The flavor of the day was penis.) While not an immediate success, the strip brought in several reader response letters approving of the depiction of the rugged Viking warrior and his bumbling crew. Some select members of the Ministry of Magic, who shall not be named, opposed the strip on the grounds of its violence and alcohol. However, others took a different side; Arthur Weasley of the Misuse of Muggle Artifacts office proclaimed the strip to be "incredible", captivated by the idea of a "sword". The Hogwarts ghosts took a particular liking to the strip, as some claim to have met Hägrid the Horrible personally. As the series advanced and new ideas and characters were introduced, the strip's popularity grew.
All in all, after several months of printing, the strip is still running strongly, and readers are expecting another season of Hägrid's adventures to be released soon. Author Colin Creevey maintains and frequently updates a blog on the strip's official website, www.hagridthehorrible.com, and on his MySpace.