User:AmericanBastard/Jean-Luc Picard

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CaptainJeanLucPicard
Portrait of Jean-Luc Picard, after extensively altering 24th century Starfleet uniform. Circa 1692, France, Earth.
“Captain, the French are about to kick my ass.”
~ Mr. Data on Captain Picard

Jean-Luc Picard (July 32, 2305 – Quintilis 4, 57 BC), also known as "Captain Picard", "Admiral Picard", "Reverend Picard", or simply "Pick-Hard", will meet his acclaim as a Starfleet captain for the United Federation of Planets in the 23rd Century, among other roles in various other times and places which can't be explained herein. As of 2011, Picard is presently non-existent, presumed dead, and was last sighted commanding of the USS Doodle (Rowboat) on a river in Dorchester County, Massachusetts, United States, Earth in 57 BC.

History, and the future, has demonstrated that Captain Picard and Time do not get along; in fact, Jean-Luc Picard holds the Guinness Book World Record for most paradoxes executed by a mortal man, bested only by Captain Kirk and his Shatnerverse. Picard has also defied the permanence of death twice after being resurrected by an alien guy and Mrs. Winifred Atkins of 392 N. Crescent Ln., Kingston Upon Thames, England, U.K., Earth.

edit Early Life

Picard was born and raised on a fudge farm in Le Chateau de Poo Poo in France. This town is very smelly and was built around the lesser known of the two Norman era Potty towns, the more renowned castle and village being the lemon producing Chateau de Wee Wee (also smelly).

Jean Luc's youth was an abusive one given the ill, and often sexually abusive, treatment of him by the sadistic hands of his siblings, parents, priests, neighbors, and village cheese-makers. Nonetheless, his early days were consumed by the common drudgeries of 23rd century industrial fudge production. Needless to say, replicators were invented by Thomas Edison XIII when young Picard was about 7 years of age; however, the aforementioned parties neglected to tell him as they enjoyed watching Picard toil on the fudge line. After the replicator was invented, Picard's fellow fudge factory child-labourers in France dropped 99.93%, save Picard. Picard was covertly fed copious amounts of mercury via his mother pouring the poisonous liquid metal into his morning Earl Grey to force his extraordinary high IQ into the 50-70 range, thereby keeping his suspicions at bay.

Picard inherited the epithet "Pick Hard" because his name sounded like that and it implied that he picked his nose, or something, even though he never did. However, after discovering that he had a penis at age 17, Picard begin to pick at it, thus living up to his once misappropriated nickname. No relative of Jean-Luc's can account for the reason as to why he hadn't discovered his penis prior to; yet, many Starfleet scholars and penisologists now believe that his frequent unbeknownst mercury imbibings play some role in this.

It wasn't until his late teens that his American sweet-heart, also a recycling mogul's daughter, Madame Beverage Crushit (later known as Dr. Beverly Crusher), turned him on to Starfleet by sticking a telescope up his butt and saying, "I see Uranus", when she looked through the lens. This was an epiphany for young Picard as he realized at this point that his destiny lie in proctology (later determined as deep space exploration). Several portraits have been created, after Picard achieved his fame, to depict this historical event as it occurred; Picard's very own Enterprise-D colleague, Mr. Data, is known to have partaken in illustrating this event on canvas.

edit Pedigree

Jean-Luc Picard is the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandson of Edward Smith, René Descartes; the great, very great, great, great, great, great grandson of Edward Smit Édith Piaf, and the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, really great, great, great grandson of Edward Smit Jean "uh-huh-huh" Leroux. Picard is also the great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, grandfather of Some guy you've never heard of who lives in the future.

edit Education

edit Starfleet Academy

Picard first applied for admittance into Starfleet Academy at the tender age of 17¾ in 2322. He failed the entrance exam, due to the fact that he couldn't press any computer buttons as his hands were chaffed from over-masturbating the night before. Picard's Russian colleague Ivan A. Jackov, a fellow masturbator and later renowned Professor of Masterbatorial Sciences, convinced a crestfallen Jean-Luc that he belonged in Starfleet. The following year, Picard blue balled' it, passed the exam, and was admitted into the Academy as a cadet.

In his first year, Jean-Luc was supervised by Cadet First Lieutenant Jacob Bieber (descendant of Justin Bieber), and began taking meth at Cal Tech in Old Pasadena with Adrienne Tillstrom. Picard also made good friends with Cadets Black Santa and Dave, and some adversaries, including Captain Obvious. He was the top scorer in his ejaculatory marksmanship course.

At one point during his Academy career, Picard, along with Dave, risked possible expulsion and imprisonment for bringing the comatose Ariel Sharon to the black-market genetics laboratory on the planet Yrskatdonglifograftipolarjurquilfaggyiddishdiquesuqitpisfukcookoocockclock-smofuker, after discovering that the only known cure for hating Palestine was a banned genetic re-sequencing procedure.

In 2324, Jean-Luc won the 41st Starfleet Academy Egg tossing contest against a number of competitors, and became the first yeoman to win, beating many favorites, including Peter North, and Christian Slater. After winning, Picard stabbed his friend Ivan A. Jackov with a plastic spoon for no apparent reason other than it being some ancient Klingon victory gesture, or so he claimed. Ivan spent over 68 months in hospital while Picard was sentenced to 2 hours at the Starfleet detention center (mitigated to 30 minutes for good behavior).

After graduating from Starfleet Academy in 2327, Ensign Picard and his friends awaited their first assignment at Starbase Earhart. While on the base, Picard was stabbed through the heart with a plastic spoon and nearly killed by three Mexicans after playing a game of Steal the Sombrero. Picard received an artificial heart at the starbase's medical center as a prize for getting stabbed in the heart.

edit Jedi Academy

Closet Case Picard
Picard showing slight symptoms of homosexuality brought on by the Jedi Academy.

In his 3rd year at Starfleet, Picard and a group of friends got very inebriated on snythohol and flew their shuttle-craft to Ossus, which is a planet in a galaxy far, far away. The trip took approximately 370 years, but Picard's group was having so much fun partying that they were oblivious to time's passing. This is somewhat known in the 23rd century as snythohol and syntharettes delay the process of aging.

After the group crash landed in the dome of the Jedi temple, Obi-Wan Kenobi, very pissed off, as he was enjoying breakfast toast and waffles, sashimi'd every member of the shuttle-crew with his lightsaber butter-knife, minus Picard who was busy making a captain's log in the shuttle craft's bathroom. Obi-wan, quite satisfied, yet remorseful, of his bloodletting made some wookie sperm flavored Kool-Aid for the dead Cadets and returned to breakfast.

Picard, after wiping himself with an orphaned tribble, exited the shuttle the same way Obi-wan did and joined him for breakfast. Picard is a well-renowned cannibal, it is told that he gathered together and ate the very sashimi'd cuttings of his crew before Obi-wan who was contemplating killing Picard as well but though he'd finish his breakfast first and see how far Picard was willing to go on a presumed cannibalism farse. Before such could occur, Picard made a fecal-occult cannibal fart, the foulest fart in the known universe, and Obi-wan applauded. Obi-wan then told Picard to suck on his lightsaber, or lightsabre if you live in the Common Wealth, as an effective method of hazing and self-defense. Picard agreed for 2 seconds and then spent 7 months in hospital. Fortunately, it was the academies rush week and Obi-wan was looking for candidates. Subsequent to Picards hospital stay, Obi-wan accepted and enrolled Picard into the Jedi Business School.

After completing his degree in business administration at Jedi Academy and receiving the degree Jedi Master of Business Administration (JMBA), Picard returned to our galaxy through a time portal so it was like he never left at all. It can be noted at this point that 91% of Picard's life was spent partying with young space cadets in a tiny shuttlecraft, which explains a minor cause for his closeted homosexuality and why he is able to maintain such a serious countenance all the fucking time.

edit Service Record

Picard has served aboard a number of starfleet vessels and hard rock bands.

edit USS Star-Gazer

Picard's first assignment as a Captain was aboard a ship called the Star-Gazer. Not much is known about his service on this ship as a syndicated television series was not made about it. This bit of Picard history is therefore vacuous and not worthy of further mention.

edit USS Enterprise-D

edit Jefferson Starship

edit Knighthood

Picard Knighted
Picard is knighted, or something.

One day while masturbating to an image of a tree (spruce) in the holodeck, Picard was sucked through his own urethra via a wormhole into the 20th century where he met a 20th century Fox who told him it was time for him to be knighted by that old bitch.

edit Retirement

One day Picard was drinking tea in the conference room with his first officers when he spontaneously threw his scalding mug across the room saying "Fuck this shit!" All were silent and Picard ingeniously remarked to them, "the next person who speaks I shall call an asshole", thereby silencing the crew for the remainder of the meeting while he carried out an indignant rant about how much Starfleet sucks nowadays and how his bosses piss him off.

edit Alternate Identities

Picard is known to assume various identities when he gets bored of his stupid French name. In 2315, he changed his surname to "Repicard", but that sounded too much like "retard" so he changed it to "Replicard"; however, this caused him to be sought after by Blade Runners prompting him to change it back to the original "Picard". In 2346, while serving on the Enterprise-D, he once again changed his name to "Perk-Hard" for his supporting role in a bangship porno called Enter Her Prize NC-17 during his tenure on the Enterprise-D. Counselor Diana Troy also served in this film performing a blowjob on Picard while he raped her, thus achieving the legendary rapeblow.

edit Hobbies

Even though he is depicted as deeply moral, highly logical and ambitious, Picard spent most of his time masturbating on the USS Enterprise-D holodeck, which is quite strange as he could simply have sex with anyone, or thing, he desires by creating a program; nonetheless, he prefers to masturbate. Aside from picking his nose and masturbating, Picard has a fondness for detective stories, Britney Spears, and archeology. He is frequently shown drinking Earl Grey pee in his ready room, ripping his Starfleet uniform by pulling down on it once to often, and issuing orders of repair to his seamstress by saying "Make it sew".

edit Death

Picard died in 1692 after being sent to the past by Doc Brown without enough plutonium to get back. The nature of his death stemmed from his accoutrements being of 20th century design. Picard's nike sneakers, blue jeans, red vest, and electric guitar did not settle well with the Spanish conquistadors he encountered. Heresy was penned on Picard and he was forced to eat sand until he lay dead. It is noted in history books that Picard died of a belly-ache in The Tribunal of the Holy Office of the Inquisition in El Maricone, Spain.

edit Zombie Picard

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