User:AmericanBastard/HowTo: Start a Fire
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“Easier done than said. ”
“I'M A FIRESTARTER, TWISTED FIRESTARTER!!”
“Only YOU can start forest fires!”
“In Soviet Russia, Forest fire starts YOU!!”
“Its quite hot”
Whether you're trying to commit an act of arson against the major civic building you just got fired from or you're a toddler playing with the incendiary grenade your bastard parents just tossed you, starting a fire is a wholesome activity that can be lots of great fun as long as you're careful.
Fires have been started since the dawn of man; in fact, there is a god in every religion that has something to do with fire; like for instance, Johnny Flame of the Fantastic Four. Religion is the backbone of fire,
so if you don’t believe in a higher being, send $500 to the Evangelical Avarice Society in Houston, TX and we’ll guarantee you instant fire-power or your money back. CALL NOW!!! 666-821-9382 celestial bodies are what control fire and you must first understand them before you can possibly comprehend the art of fire.
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edit Rules to Die By
WARNING!!! READ THIS BEFORE CONTINUING
2. Always yell fire instead of rape.
3. Don’t chew fire with your mouth open.
4. Do not look fire in the eye or you will turn to stone.
5. Stop, Drop, and Roll only works in movies.
6. Holocaust victims have not accepted fire since 1941 so don’t try to sell it to them when you get bored of it.
8. If you have surpassed the age of 6, you must own a general F-class license in order to legally wield fire. Contact your nearest fire department for more info.
edit Pre-heat your oven to 3,600 degrees
Ok, now the fun begins. Ever wanted to make fire little boy/psycho-maniac? Do you feel indigent when your mom or personal guardian lights the candles at your birthday party and not you? Ever wanted to see your worst enemy/ex-lover wither and char before your very own eyes...?
Well look no further because a little bit of the simple F-word is the answer to your problems. Fire, that is. Some of you reading this may kill ants for pleasure or fantasize about being a superhero so you can do the things you can't do in real life, such as, affecting the lives of others and attracting women. These are base emotional feelings most of us encounter when we are initially struck by something that contains power. (See gun)
Pay close attention to the following measures and your primal rages will be satisfied in no time. We will now teach you in 7 deadly steps, how to start a fire!
1. Build/steal a spaceship
2. Fly to the sun
3. Gather a few sun rocks (Warning: Hot)
4. Place sun rocks in a jar
5. Place lid on jar
6. Fly back to earth
7. Throw sun rocks at a gas-main and Voila, fire.
edit Stuff that makes fire
Fires can also be started without the use of sun rocks; it is however, the most organic and natural way of starting a fire but it will cost you extra. If you’re short on funds and or are having trouble carrying out the procedure stated above, you might want to consider these options: buy a fucking book of matches; make sure however, that it has the words, “fucking book of matches,” inscribed upon the product merchandise or you will have little luck in properly crafting a genuine fire.
National Geographic made an article a few years ago on substances that fires are known to start the most readily from. Please regard the following list of chemically known words as potential channels for instigating a fire.
(Things That Are Fun to Burn, National Geographic, March 2003.)
8. More Kittens
10. Baby Seals
11. Endangered animals
13. Sun rocks
14. Your hair
15. Your Mother
17. your pubic hair ( go ahead, try it.)
edit Maintain the flame
Ok, you’ve got the fire going and you want to keep it going. There is only one thing worse then having a fire not go out and that is having a fire go out. –Wilde. Remember this quote and you cannot possibly fuck up.
Before science, people were persistently confused with the fact that their fire would go out without prior personal consent. Defiant fires were often whipped and criticized in the olden days for having gone out without some authoritative body granting its extinguishment.
This development of disobedience was countered in the late 19th century with Thomas Edison’s invention of the fire hose. If a disobedient fire was discovered, the fire hose was taken to its whereabouts and would strangle the fire mercilessly like a furious boa constrictor. Before this time, constrictors were used incessantly to extinguish out-of-control fires all over the world. It wasn’t until their untimely shortage that Chicago ran out of boa constrictors and had to watch their city crumble before mighty defiant flames. There is a book by Voltaire 2 on the devastation sustained in Chicago during the late 19th century titled, "Help Us! We’re out of Boa Constrictors!". The people they were supposedly calling to for help was Green Bay in Wisconsin but they were too busy eating cheese and learning football.
The invention of the fire hose has forever changed the history of extinguishing a fire, so if you want to keep a fire going, make sure it’s well out of range of any fire hoses or boa constrictors.
edit Extinguish the flame
What an absurd idea! Well, I suppose there's always a good time to stop but that's not until you've pissed off a lot of people or caused grievous city-wide damage. If this particular line of subject matter is disturbing, play Vice or Sim City until you are comfortable. Think of it as if you did not succeed in accomplishing these things, the entire effort should be looked upon as a complete failure.
Under NO circumstances whatsoever should there be anybody, other than YOURSELF (the fire-starter), who serves as appointed extinguisher to the fire. The Bible says, Let not one who is without fire be the first to smother thy fire hath he been the one who did not start the fire in the first fucking place.
- David 14:3
edit Why does fire burn?
Fire burns simply because it is having sex with more fire or it is near stuff that burns (See stuff that burns above). Modern science has taught us that there has to be a resource present for the fire to fruitfully discharge upon so it can effectively burn and not turn into Bill Cosby.
In 2006, the University of Hawaii refuted this generally accepted claim and theorized that fire, in fact, does not discharge upon mere earthly matter but magical matter as well.
During this exhaustive scholastic study, Dr. Jesus, a professor of divine physics at the University of Hawaii (UH), was sent next door to the Pacific Ocean to collect the ashes of the late George Burns for technical analysis. After placing the acquired remains into an urn, he asked it the question of why fire burns and it responded, according to his journals, “magic.” He then violently soiled himself, according to his journals, and sought out some esteemed colleagues of his at U of H for marketing advice. One day later, he published a grammatically error-ridden paragraph in every scientific periodical on the market he could find to disclose the properties of inter-dimensional magic and its effects on fire. The article was titled, Fire and stuff. Dated: December 25th 2006 - Random House Periodicals LTD.
edit Being irresponsibly responsible with fire
Alright, we’ve taught you how to be responsible with fire so now we’re going to show you how to be responsible with fire in an irresponsible way. In order to successfully accomplish this, you must have a firm understanding and knowledge of a Koan or Chinese penis riddle. Knowing the answer, you must then ask someone who is older than you what the premise of the riddle is.
For example, you say: “Fwop, Fwop, Fwop,” and then the old person says: “What’s the sound of one hand jacking?” Get it? Got it? Good, get out of here, fire lessons are over for the day.
edit Useless Trivia
- Fire endorsed presidential candidate Alf Landon in 1936.
- Fire was portrayed by Dorian Harewood during the 1984 Emmy Awards and he died as a consequence.
- Fire won the 200m sprint at the 1936 Summer Olympics against Jackie Robinson's brother, Matthew "Mack" Robinson, who also beat the world record at the time.
- Fire appeared on the Wheaties Box in 1775 after helping the American revolutionists burn down trees that housed monkey assassins belonging to the British Army.
- It should be known that James Taylor doesn't know shit about fire.