User:AmericanBastard/Hayao Miyazaki

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search
File:MIYAZAKI4.jpg
“いいえ!かえって、 あなたが、私の小さいの犬がいますよ!”
~ Akira Kurosawa on Hayao Miyazaki

Hayao Miyazaki (Japanese: 宮 駿 駿駿, Miyazaki-San) was born on January 5, 1941 in a Tokyo Wal★Mart.

A world renowned director of Japanese children's films as well the first-born son of Godzilla and Akira Kurosawa, Miyazaki grew up in a pleasant household; his stepfather was a drunken abusive Rabbi Jew and his mother was a half-lizard space monster, which gave him a seamlessly ordinary upbringing. Miyazaki studied the Gay/Lesbian/Bisexual Arts and Sciences at the prestigious University of Tokyo and later at the Kasai Gandai University in Osaka. Being raised by kosher wolves in early childhood later favored his ability to pity nature and partake in common environmentalist protocols such as refusing to bathe and breaking the 11th Commandment. Though his films consistently top the Japanese box office, his father has never forgiven him. The family drama makes for great press.

Being a cartoonist/writer/politician/historian gives Miyazaki extra expertise in making Japanimation and homosexual anime (gaenime) with multi-racial acrobatic homosexual pornographers. His first venture in the pornographic arts was to be at the tender age of 5½ with his frighteningly perverted Rabbi father and syna-colleagues. Miyazaki made his first film venture in 1988 with My Neighbor Totoro (literal translation: My Semi-Retarded Ass Pounding Cartoon Neighbor, also known as The Two Retarded Little Bitches Who Met Totoro or the original title Satsuki,the guinea pig girl with magic chocolate brown eyes who meets Totoro with her human dog Mei ).

American film critic Roger Ebert praised Miyazaki for his boldness of vision. "It takes a certain kind of genius for an anime not to rely on huge knockers or bloody fights and to still hold the attention of a young male audience for THAT LONG," he said in a recent DVD interview. "It's almost like... he's saying something meaningful."

Miyazaki persistently mentions in interviews that he wishes that 'the fat white filmmakers' (Disney) would stop calling them old friends and best buddies whenever a new hit film of his comes out. Taken direct from the interview: "I wish they stop shout 'HAYAOO!!!' when welcome they my presence or for the congratulate me on blockbuster success!"

edit Useful Trivia

File:Morozaki.jpg
  • Known to the Japanese as "Fu Manchu", or "God of Indecency" in English.
  • According to recent estimates, he controls the minds of 81% of Japan's population through subliminal messaging.
  • Made a cameo appearance as "the demon" in Akira Kurosawa's Dreams.
  • He likes grapes. More so than the average human.
  • Hayao Miyazaki is made out of potassium hydroxinate, sodium glucol, polysorbate 67, guar gum, wickets, blue cheese and Jesus Flakes™.
  • Every Miyazaki film has a female lead that is 3-11 years below the legal limit outside of Japan. Miyazaki says this is because he sees them as 'adventurous.'

edit Filmography

Wolfintheshell

Wolf in the Shell was a runaway box office hit in the United States.

  • Poopin III (Anata no Kao no ue ni, kuso o suru! I shit on top of your face - inappropriate English translation) was the beta release for The Castle of Cagliostro, 1976 (Coprophilic pornographic film)
  • The Castle of Cagliostro - (ルパン三世; Rupan Sansei, or Ninja Dick - appropriate English translation) anime about some pervert thief who wishes to rescue a hot underage princess from marriage to her insentual cousin, 1979
  • Sherlock Hound - (名探偵偵偵偵!偵!! 偵!!! 偵!!!!!! ハウンド; Meitantei Tei Tei Tei Tei! Tei!! TEI!!! TEIIIIIAHHH!!!!!! Hound - appropriate English translation), 1982
  • Nausicaä of the Valley of the Wind - (Nashu no Kamikaze Kameo; Super Happy Insect Antena Fetish - appropriate English translation), 1984
MIYAZAKI 2!!! copy

Miyazaki-san in disguise.

MIYZA 3 copy

Concept image for abandoned GTA project.

Hayao miyazaki

Hayao himself.

  • My Neighbor Totoro (Tonari no Totoro; Satsuki,the half guinea pig girl with magic chocolate brown eyes who meets Totoro with her half dog Mei - appropriate English translation), 1988 (pornographic film)
  • Kiki's Delivery Service (Majo no takkyûbin; The Witch's Express Mail - literal title; Lil' Pimp Bitch on a Stick - appropriate English translation), 1989
  • Porco Rosso (Ooleshi Coolaid Porco; The Happy Flying Pig - literal title and appropriate English translation), 1992 (pornographic film)
  • On Your Mark (Makasuloo; Stick Your Tiny Euphemism in My Euphemism and Explode Like Hiroshima - literal title and appropriate English translation), 1995 (pornographic film)
  • Princess Mononoke (Mononononoke Hime; Wolf in the Shell - literal title and appropriate English translation), 1997
  • Spirited Away (千と千尋の神隠し; Sen to Chihiro no Kamikakushi; Girl Used as Dirty Slave While Her Greedy Parents Are Turned Into Pigs - literal title and appropriate English translation)
  • Howl's Moving Castle (Bouncy Castle II; Bouncy Castle Versus Godzilla), 2004 (Best Animated Feature nominee, 2005)
  • Ponyo (Gake no ue no Ponyo; Uwe Boll makes a porno - literal title; Fish having sex with boy - appropriate English translation)

edit Notable quotes

"Me films are like small dressed up penis. They a very cute and make people raugh hard in de pants, like plesure toy."

- Interview with USA Today, shortly before he was called off for a meeting with the Princeton Semantics, Linguistics and Modern Classicist Panel, in which he most truthfully explained...

"I rike lice!"

- Formal address to the Princeton Semantics, Linguistics and Modern Classicist Panel (1996)

"Ahhhh... me sho sholly!"

- After running down 17 graduate Elvis impersonators in Vice City with a lawn mower. Released from American captivity for good behavior, homosexuality and an overall contentment with the confines of a federal penitentiary (1997)

"I funny, I maka you raugh!"

- Formal address to the Princeton Semantics, Linguistics and Modern Classicist Panel (1998)

"Mater, mater! ha ha!"

- Formal address to the Princeton Semantics and Modern Classicist Panel (1999)

"Soooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo small. 8->"

- Not-quite-so-formal address to the United Nations; a place Miyazaki-san infiltrates per annum under a conspicuously false guise as the 10th Duke of Chalfont, a candid representative of Japan's embarrassingly minuscule natural land size. He was sentenced to death by fire in 1999 for exposing his genitals to the UN Council and aggressively flinging poop at the Iranian Minister for Religious Affairs without permission. He was resurrected by Black Jesus in 2000.

edit Vain GTA III add-on attempt

Several painstaking attempts have been made in the past to successfully pioneer a comprehensive Japanime video game for mature audiences. In the wake of the clichéd Project: Design Your Own GTA Cover, Miyazaki enterprises took imminent notice of the seizable opportunity and set forth to dispose of 800,000,000 yen ($0.0037 USD) in order to finance an extrapolation of a marketing campaign return.

The actual project itself would have cost over 800,000,000,000,000 yen (8 rubles). Sad to say, because of the slightly uneconomical expense budget and initiation stigmas, Miyazaki Enterprises were unable to complete the venture that very well could have been the turning point for Japan's GDP.

In light of this unfortunate turn of events, Hayao Miyazaki simply responded with his middle-finger to everyone questioning the outcome of the project. The late Akira Kurosawa responded through a medium saying that violent video games with samurai Kawasaki death ninjas are something the whole world could benefit from. The ambassador of Bangladesh confirmed that despite the fact that 99.8% of his country lives without electricity, they can still morally benefit from what they are totally unaware of.

edit Related topics

This article is part of the Wonderful Japan series
Culture: Bushido | Engrish | Manga | Battle Royale | Cosplay | Samurai | Japanese High Schools | Japan Self-Defense Forces | Ninja Gaijin | No Gaijin Allowed | Domo-kun | PlayStation Portable | Nintendo Eightfold Path | Wii | Mario | Pikachu | Death Note | Sushi | Yaoi | Hello Kitty | Doraemon | Vocaloid | Yu-Gi-Oh!

Companies: Toyota | Nintendo | Honda | Mazda | Mitsubishi | Konami | Sony


People: Chikan | Godzilla | Junichiro Koizumi | Shinzo Abe | Shigeru Miyamoto | Sadaharu Oh | Hikaru Utada | Oda Nobunaga | Toshiro Mifune | Toyotomi Hideyoshi


Places: Tokyo | Osaka | Kobe | Hiroshima | Nagasaki | Fukoshima Nuclear Plant


Organizations: CLAMP


History: Prehistory | Kamakura/Minamoto Shogunate | Muromachi/Ashikaga Shogunate | Sengoku Period | Azuchi/Oda Shogunate (Incident at Honnō-ji) | Edo/Tokugawa Shogunate | Empire of Japan | 2011 Earthquake in the Land of the Rising Sun

Filmmakers of the World
Epic Visionaries

Ingmar Bergman | Peter Bogdanovich | Robert Bresson | Charlie Chaplin | Coen Brothers | Cecil B. De Mille | Clint Eastwood | Federico Fellini | John Ford | D.W. Griffith | Alfred Hitchcock | Abbas Kiarostami | Sergio Leone | Martin Scorsese | Steven Spielberg | Andrei Tarkovsky | Orson Welles | James Cameron | Akira Kurosawa

Not-So-Epic Visionaries

Michael Bay | Tim Burton | Ken Burns | John Carpenter | Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer | Mel Gibson | Tom Green | Spike Lee | George Lucas | Dolph Lundgren | McG | Michael Moore | Leonard Nimoy | Guy Ritchie | George Romero | Joel Schumacher | M. Night Shyamalan | Alan Smithee | Billy Bob Thornton | Tommy Wiseau | John Woo | Ed Wood | Rob Zombie

Highly Respected in France

Woody Allen | Michelangelo Antonioni | Darren Aronofsky | Mel Brooks | Sofia Coppola | Jean-Luc Godard | Jim Jarmusch | Charlie Kaufman | Jerry Lewis | David Lynch | Nicolas Winding Refn | Rob Schneider | Remi Gaillard | Lars von Trier

Highly Confusing in Japan
Terry Gilliam | Akira Kurosawa | Russ Meyer | Quentin Tarantino
Highly Disturbing in Mexico

Guillermo del Toro

Highly Racist in Suid-Afrika

Neill Blomkamp

view  discuss  edit
Personal tools
projects