User:Alternate*grammar/Jonesology

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“Don't worry, it's all in the name His Jonesiness.”
~ Jonesology cult member, minutes after dying
“It's a conspiracy! Don't you see? Of course the government would deliberately force innocent Americans to drink cyanide-laced Kool-Aid and die! It's only logical! Why? Because the government is evil! All the government wants to do is kill its own people for no reason! Because they're the government! And all government is evil! Down with government! Up with... something else! Yeah!”
~ 17-year-old conspiracy theorist on the Jonestown mass suicide


The Church of Jonesology (correctly called The Wackadoo Cult of Jim Jones) was a wackadoo cult founded in Iowa in 2004 (1955 in the Jonesologist calendar) and ended in 2007 (1978 in the Jonesologist calendar) in the world's largest (and only) mass suicide/Kool-Aid chugging contest.

edit Jim Jones

James Orenthal Jones was born on May 13, 1931, in Crete, Iowa, one of the few places in the world that nobody cares about (except for Jonesologists, who are subsequently nobodies).[1] He was born to a 16-year old mother probably named Natalie[2] and some random 16-year-old boy who has since gone into exile in New York City. It is speculated that his name was Trevor.

Jim was known to be incredibly selfish, never sharing, stealing from other students, and seriously believing that he was the only person on the planet who matters.[3] This inadvertently made him communist. He showed prowess in being a successful communist leader at day-care, when he would sit on a ladder with a stick in his hand.[4] This made him seem important to his small-brained classmates, who then feared of somehow being punished if they did not comply with Jim's orders. One fellow student, Abraham Lincoln, however, realized that nothing would actually happen if he did not unquestioningly follow Jim's demands. Young Abraham then led a two-man rebellion (himself and his best friend Richard) against Jim's tyranny. However, they also realized that complete revolution isn't the answer to everything, and so they did the smart thing and simply became independent and started over again.[5] They founded their own society, which they decided to call Canada.

edit People's Temple

Over the years, Jones had found he was not entitled to anything he wanted.

edit Invasion of Bermuda

He had previously attempted to command American troops to invade Bermuda, but he was only able to gain the control of 7 of them, all of whom were former day-care classmates, still in fear of being punished if they did not do what Jim said. Jim led the troops to Bermuda and then randomly opened fire on civilians, killing 1 caterpillar, wounding 30 (caterpillars), putting bullet holes in stop signs, and generally annoying the Bermudan people/British tourists. Police were then able to subdue the "Jonesian Army", as they then called themselves, by throwing a piece of stale Cuban bread at them. This intimidated the Army enough to evacuate Bermuda and retreat on "the HJS [His Jonesiness' Ship] SUPER-JUGGERNAUT OF DEATH", a sawed-off See-Doo motorized raft. However, the Army failed to realized that sawing off a raft is a very bad idea.[6] The HJS SUPER-JUGGERNAUT OF DEATH then sank into the water off North Carolina. Jones, in true Jones-ish fashion, refused to believe that he was the cause of the problem, and blamed the fact that they were in the Bermuda Triangle. He then blamed the colony of Bermuda itself, since he assumed Bermuda owned and operated the Triangle. He vowed to get his revenge on Bermuda someday, shouting to the sky "May Bermuda sink into the waters! May its people be pelted with stale Cuban bread! May they all suffer really really bad things in general! May their testicles fall off and burst into flames and other bad stuff! And if my subconscious control over the entire world doesn't do as I say, then I will do it myself!"

edit Further Crimes and Being a Total Douche

After the incident at Bermuda, Jones became wanted by the British Government, and therefore 50% of the entire world was against him. 49% of the Earth didn't know who he was, 0.5% was tolerant of him, and 0.4% liked him. The remaining 0.1% was him.

He continued to commit authoritarian acts of crime, such as commanding a group of herd-minded teenagers to rob a bank, steal a car, deliver the money to him, and then run from the police. He also commanded some herd-minded elementary school students to steal marijuana and spraypaint a mosque, and commanded some herd-minded cows to give him a blowjob and spray warm milk all over his body.

In one of his totalitarian escapades, he was to command some teenagers in a state of brain-deadness just after seeing Twilight to attack Bermuda. He taped bombs to their bodies, said some final goodbyes, and sent them on a boat to Bermuda. However, the teens had, of course, snuck some beer[7] onto the boat and had a chugging contest. In their drunkenness, they veered off course and ran aground in Spain. Not knowing where they were, they walked aimlessly for a while, before finally taking a rest in Madrid. They passed out, and when they came to, they found themselves beaten, ravaged, pantsless and robbed, riding on several seperate trains. No longer drunk, they remembered that they were supposed to detonate the bombs on their bodies randomly, so they did.

And that is the story of the 2004 Madrid train bombing.

edit The Actual Founding of People's Temple (This Section is Long Enough)

One day, Jones founded People's Temple.

edit ACTUAL INFORMATION ON PEOPLE'S CHURCH

Alright, alright, fine. Geez.

After the train bombings, Jones became classified as an "anti-British terrorist". To keep his image intact, and to evade taxes, he founded the People's Temple in late 2004. He then gained followers in the form of rebellious, herd-minded teenagers who had been quietly rooting for Jones in the past simply because he was hated by adults.[8] He then started picketing funerals of people who weren't Jim Jones, holding signs that said such messages as "Jim Jones Hates People Who Aren't Jim Jones (Except For Us)", "You're Going to Hell 'Cause You Aren't Jim Jones", and "Clapton is the Antijones".[9]

edit Jonesology

However, People's Temple failed to be recognized as a religion, allegedly because it was a "wackadoo cult of unbathed wierdos" (but probably just so the government could make more cash), and so the taxes piled up. Jones had to come up with something quick, or else the meanie doo-doo heads at the IRS would come and drag his sorry keester to jail.[10] Suddenly, he came up with the name "Jonesology". Seeing as it had worked with Scientology (and later Mansonology[11]), he decided to resubmit his "religion" as Jonesology. This time, it worked: Jonesology became registered as a "wacko cult", which was a signifigant improvement over their previous title, "a bunch of anti-British dumbasses".

Now that Jonesology was founded, he wrote up the Jonesologist Bible, making things such as crack smoking, extramarital sex, wife beating, and communism perfectly accaptable. He and the rest of the Jonesologists went around beating up Jewish people, giving gays the finger, streaking, randomly blowing up shit, crashing parties on cruise ships[12], and playing nicky-nicky-nine-doors, among other things.[13] This was all found legal, however, now that they had the excuse that these things are traditional Jonesologist activities.

edit The Ten Commandments of Jonesology

In the Jonesologist Bible, a legend is told of the prophet Jimmy[14] who brings five stone tablets, each inscribed with two Commandments. Later, his back gives out and a special carrying case was built for the five tablets. These are the Ten Commandments of Jonesology:

1. THOU SHALT BOW DOWN BEFORE THE AWESOME MIGHT OF JIM JONES.

2. THOU SHALT NOT WORSHIP ANYBODY WHO IS NOT JIM JONES.

3. THOU SHALT UNQUESTIONINGLY FOLLOW ANY COMMANDS JIM JONES MAY PUT ONTO YOU.

4. THOU SHALT NOT THINK FOR THINESELF.

5. THOU SHALT ONLY DO AS JIM JONES SAYS (SEE ABOVE TWO COMMANDMENTS).

6. THOU SHALT NOT DO ANYTHING JIM JONES DOES NOT WANT THOU TO DO (SEE ABOVE THREE COMMANDMENTS).

7. THOU SHALT BATHE AT LEAST ONCE A YEAR.

8. THOU SHALT ALWAYS PUT JIM JONES' LIFE BEFORE THINE OWN.

9. THOU SHALT PLEASURE JIM JONES ONLY AT HIS CONVENIENCE, AND ALWAYS AT HIS CONVENIENCE.

10. THE CHURCH OF JONESOLOGY IS NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR ANYTHING THAT MAY COME AS A RESULT OF FOLLOWING THESE COMMANDMENTS. ALL SIMILARITIES TO REAL PERSONS, LIVING OR DEAD, IS ENTIRELY COINCIDENTAL, UNLESS THAT PERSON IS JIM JONES. RINSE AND REPEAT. IF YOU HAVE ANY QUESTIONS, DON'T WASTE JIM JONES' TIME BY ASKING THEM. SIMPLY DO WHAT JIM JONES SAYS. THIS IS NOT A LIFE SAVING DEVICE. MAY CAUSE CANCER IN CALIFORNIA.

Other religious traditions in Jonesology include Jonesmas, celebrated every day that Jim Jones is alive, where Jonesologists give gifts to Jim Jones. If the Jonesologist is unable get a gift to Jones, Jonesmas is negotiable. Another Jonesologist holiday is Kill Somebody Who's not Jim Jones Day, November 18, where Jonesologists kill somebody who is not Jim Jones. This holiday is also negotiable. One non-negotiable Jonesologist holiday is Natural Day, were all female Jonesologists must be nude for the day.[15]

edit Yet Another Jonesologist "Expression of the Freedom of Religion" (AKA terrorist attack)

In 2005 (1993 in the Jonesologist calendar), Jim Jones and the Jonesologists decided to wipe out another prominent cult, the Davidologists, based in WasteCo, Texas. They originally threw a massive F-Bomb (far more dangerous {and overused} than an H-Bomb) at the Davidologistseses's secret hideout (indicated by the big neon sign saying "Davidologist World HQ: 'Come in and See Us'"), an abandoned sewage treatment plant in the outskirts of WasteCo. The seige then slowed to a standstill, with both parties spending the next few days standing around, smack-talking and throwing "yo mama" jokes at each other over the radio. On the 51st day, both parties realized they weren't getting anywhere, and so decided to simply start blowing each other's brains out.[16]

edit Jonestown

After the WastCo siege, people realized that Jonesology (and other past predessecors to that wackadoo cult we all know and hate) was responsible for the Madrid train bombing, the Oklahoma City bombing, the 1985 Achille Lauro hijacking, and now the WasteCo siege. This made them hated by the sane population of America (and therefore loved and embraced by teenagers), and so the Jonesologists decided to flee to a random country. After throwing a dart at a world map[17], they packed their brown paper bags filled with all of the belongings that Jonesology allowed them (except, of course, for Jones, who brought everything his followers could carry by their teeth), and headed to Guyana.

However, they were shocked to find that people actually lived in Guyana. After unsuccesfully trying to convert the natives to Jonesology (except for a few teenagers who were tired of that other guy converting them to Christianity) they went to a spot that nobody cares about, the rainforest. They built a town there, mostly out of the main building material in developing countries like Guyana: thrown-away, rusting-to-peices scrap metal.

Soon, with the help of some local Guyanans who had been kidnapped and enslaved, Jonestown was erected. However, precisely two seconds later (precisely two seconds for maximum comedic effect), the schoolhouse collapsed, killing 30 caterpillars. The Jonesologists never got around to rebuilding the schoolhouse, partly because the Guyanan slaves had ran away, but mostly because Jones then deemed the schoolhouse "an unnecesary distraction from the most important part of any decent Jonesologists society, me." However, the Guyanan teenagers now realized that they were having an unusual case of history repeating itself: they were now being enslaved by Jim Jones, instead of those other guys. Them being teenagers, they assumed that the best thing to do would be to go in the exact opposite direction Jonestown was going: they founded their own anarchist society, which they decided to call Somalia.[18]

After Somalia's declaring of independence, Jonestown began to practically treat itself like a nation, announcing that they "did not recognize" the new nation of Somalia, declaring war on it, and declaring a state of emergency, commanding all Jonesologists to temporarily hand over custody of all their teenage daughters to Jim Jones, were he would then lock them in a small, dark, soundproof room, allegedly "for their own safety".

Soon afterward, while Jones was busy "protecting" the teenage girls of Jonestown, the Army began dropping leaflets on Somalia.[19] After Somalia's government failed to respond (seeing as it didn't exist and all), Jonestown continued to onslaught Somalia with paper. Soon, the entire country was covered in shin-deep paper leaflets. Every time the government did not respond, Jonestown dropped more paper on it. Eventually, the papers were overflowing into Jonestown and Guyana, and all of Somalia was covered in waist-deep paper. The World Health Organization did what it does best, point out every possible thing that could go wrong, so they declared that in Somalia, as a result of the barrage of paper, children were getting paper cuts, any fires caused by reckless teenagers (primarily in trash cans) quickly spread all over the country, that people could randomly trip and get botulism, that people's heads were exploding for some vaguely paper-related reason, and that nobody could masturbate without getting cut (or caught, as a result of all the rustling paper). At this point, Jonestown even began sending pieces of paper to Somalia through the mail.

Finally, the Somalians realized that anarchy wasn't getting them anywhere, and they accused Jonestown of commiting the largest act of littering ever perpetrated. Later, Jim Jones released a statement to the nation on Jonestown News (the only state-funded news network that is actually a podcast):

“My fellow cult followers/meat puppets/dear citizens of Jonestown, we have just been accused by the break-away anarchy of Somalia of commiting the largest single act of littering ever perpetrated. Of course, we did do that, but I want to cover this up as quickly and swiftly as we can, and I also want to blow all of their freaking heads off. They're composed of former cult members of mine, and so they know things nobody but us should now. So I want to mercilessly kill them in as brutal a manner as possible to advance my own selfish cult of personality. So, my beloved brainless marionettes/sex slaves/dear inhabitants of this greatest nation on My green Earth, I believe I speak for myself and subsequently command and further manipulate you when I say: LET'S KILL THEM!”

After "covering up" the littering accusations (which simply consisted of Jones shouting "That's a lie!" for all Guyanans in range to hear), Jonestown declared war on Somalia (again), and while Jones decided to further protect the teenage girls of Jonestown, he also commanded that he protect all of the 8-year-old boys of Jonestown as well. After a quick trip to the United States to buy some shotguns, handguns, grenades, rifles, machine guns, car bombs, and other such things at Wal-Mart, the Army then invaded Somalia and attempted to slaughter everbody they saw that wasn't wearing the Jonestown Army's distinctive belt of condom containers ("magazines").

In short, Somalia didn't stand a chance.

edit The mass suicide

All of Somalia was devastated. The Jonestown Army went home, now confident that they could live without interference. Of course, they were wrong: The Guyanan police invaded Jonestown, and fined Jim Jones for littering. After Jones refused to pay, the police put him on the criminal records. After some research, the cops found that Jones was responsible for several terror attacks, wars, murders, robberies, rapes, and sodomy cases, the Guyanans contacted the USA, 'cause they're good at handling this kind of crap. The American Military then invaded Jonestown.[20]

Hilarity ensues. People get bonked on the head, people get smacked with logs, people get raped at knifepoint, etc.. After the wall to the "protection chamber" in which Jones and his underage companions were hiding was breached, Jones immediatly called upon himself to destroy the American Military with his own awesome might. He tried to blow up the American planes with his mind, but it only worked once.

After the war, Jones found out that more American troops were on their way to Jonestown ("Jonesus, will they ever stop?"). With that, he decided that his fun was over. Instead of telling his Jonesologist followers that all hope was lost, he never told them of the upcoming American invasion, and instead told them that they were to have a massive Kool-Aid chugging contest, and gave them all gallons upon gallons of Kool-Aid (secretly laced with a lethal dose of cyanide) aquired for $2.00 at Sam's Club in the USA. He then commited seppuku with a super-size dildo on top of a rock.[21]

However, some Jonesologists were left so grief-ridden by their leader's death, thet they took their own lives as well to be with him. Methods used to blindly submit to their cult overlord for the last time include seppuku, smacking their head repeatedly against the rock their leader died on, setting themselves on fire with Jones' recently discovered stash of booze (now deemed a "holy object"), wrist-cutting, dieing, and ingesting some of the cyanide suspiciously found right next to the main Kool-Aid supply, among other things.

edit Impact and Legacy

Jonesology has played a major role in popularizing the now-common trend of cult-founding. People Jones has directly inspired to found their own cult (primarily teen pop icons) include Justin Bieber, Lady GaGa, and Vanilla Ice.[22]

Although the story of Jonesology and the mass suicide has many political overtones and lessons to be learned, most people disregard them either because A) They've never heard of it, or B) They're American.

edit The Final Section (No, Really)

That's all, folks! (No, really)


edit Citations

  1. A location is deemed "a place nobody cares about" if the only people in the world who matter choose the option "I don't give 2 flying craps on the moon about it" on the question form.
  2. This is speculated because every 16-year-old American girl on the planet is named Natalie.
  3. During an interview by other students for a documentary they were making for a school project, a 5-year-old Jim said his behavioral influences were "Mao Zedong, Joseph Stalin, Che Guevera, and that guy with the funny mustache."
  4. This practise would later be adopted by many authoritarian dictators to come, most notably Steve Jobs.
  5. The author of this article paid me to point out the political commentary found in these few sentences.
  6. According to Jones, "sawed-off shotguns are cool, why not a sawed-off attack ship?"
  7. Jack Daniels Bourbon whiskey, to be exact. ;D
  8. For more on teen sociology, see this page.
  9. This "Clapton is the Antijones" sign in particular recieved notable attention, because it simultaneously parodied the phrases "Clapton is God" and "Scott Baio is the Antichrist", as well as parodying the word "antichrist" and turning it into "antijones", implying that Jones is an almighty, Jesus-like figure, as well as implying Jones is your master by saying Eric Clapton has no right to be called God. Through all of this "intelligent satire", Jones became noticed as more than an anti-British sociopath; he also became a guy with way too much time on his hands.
  10. Never mind the fact that he resulted in the deaths of hunreds of innocent people and one caterpillar. Al Capone, much?
  11. Not to be confused with this Mansonology
  12. AKA the 1985 Achille Lauro hijacking.
  13. Okay, in case you haven't noticed, cult leaders are obsessed with sex. That is the first time I actually made a real link to the page Sex, instead of some lame fake link joke like this.
  14. Other prophets found in the Jonesologist Bible are James, J., J.O., Orenthal, and Jimbo.
  15. Yup, more hypersexuality on Jim's part. This is typical of cult leaders. Seriously. I'm not just making this up because I think sex is funny, 'cause it's not. No, really.
  16. The final battle was also triggered by the following exchange between cult leaders David Kumar and Jim Jones (censored for accessability by the faint of heart):

    KUMAR: Yo mama is so ugly that when she entered an ugly contest --


    JONES: Dave, you've said that same joke for 30 days straight. Could you just stop alre--


    KUMAR: Don't interrupt me, you fat piece of s***!


    JONES: Hey, at least my d*** can fit into by b****es' c***s, ya fata** f***!


    KUMAR: Well, At least I marry my b****es before I f*** 'em!


    JONES: ... David, you little s***! You son of a f***ing **** **** ****! I'm going to tear off your **** and shove them right up your **** **** **** **** and then **** **** **** **** **** on your **** **** **** **** with **** **** **** in the **** **** and **** **** **** **** **** your **** **** **** so then you'll have to **** sideways! ****!


    KUMAR: YOU T**-EATING, C***-SUCKING, BUTT-F***ING, PENIS-SMELLING, CROTCH-GRABBING, B***-LICKING, SEMEN-DRINKING, DOG-RAPING, NAZI-LOVING, CHILD-TOUCHING, COW-HUMPING, PERVERTED, SPINELESS, HEARTLESS, MINDLESS, D***LESS, TESTICLE-CHOKING, URINE-GARGLING, JERK-OFFING, HORSE-FACED, SHEEP-FONDLING, TOILET-KISSING, SELF-CENTERED, FECES-PUKING, DILDO-SHOVING, SNOT-SPITTING, CRAP-GATHERING, BIG-NOSED, MONKEY-SLAPPING, B******-SCREWING, PEE-S***TING, FART-KNOCKING, SAP-BUSTING, SPLOOGE-TASTING, HAIR-BLOWING, HEAD-SWALLOWING, B****-SNATCHING, HEDGE-HOGGING, DONKEY-CARRESSING, MUCUS-SPEWING, ANAL-PLUGGING, HOLE-GRABBING, UNCIRCUMCISED, SEWER-SIPPING, W****-MONGERING, PISS-SWIMMING, MIDGET-MUNCHING, D*****BAG, HOLE-BITING PART OF A MEN'S PROSTITUTING A**HOLE!


    JONES: Oh. Oh! You just done got yourself killed! You're a dead motherf***er now! C'mon guys, let's blow this motherf***ing roof off!


    And so was the beginning of the end of the WasteCo siege.

  17. Twice: The first time it landed on Bermuda.
  18. The author of this article paid me to further point out the comparison between the break-away societies of Canada, and Somalia, demonstrating that blindy defying and goeing in the complete opposite direction of the system is typically not a good idea, that people should think before they act, and that teenagers are impossible dumbasses.
  19. The leaflets read "Surrender now or we will drop more paper on you!"
  20. But only after this exchange:

    JONES: Wait! You can't invade us!


    POLICE: Why not?


    JONES: You have to declare war on us first.


    POLICE: Umm... We declare war on you. Can we invade now?


    JONES: Yeah, now you can.


    POLICE: Alright. RAAAAH!

  21. several Jonesologists pointed this out, asking why their leader just commited suicide by stabbing himself in the stomach with a dildo, but the others simply replied, "Who cares? We've got Kool-Aid!"
  22. Vanilla Ice founded Winkleology to promote his upcoming album, him being desperate to be back on top.
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