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Algor Langeaux: A posthumous self-portrait
|Date of birth:||May 19th, Big Bang|
|Notable role(s):||Destroyer of Worlds|
“The rumors of his eleven-foot long prehensile penis are mildly exaggerated”
“It's the GIRTH that's the real problem”
“He's just this guy, you know?”
“Who the fuck *is* this douchebag? Sounds like a real tosser.”
“Oh, *that* guy. I hear his cock tastes like a cross between unicorns and a panzer tank.”
edit His "Birth"
The events of his birth are, even now, shrouded in deep mystery. On thing seems clear however, the cabbage leaf under which he was found was definitely green. (Well... kind of a silver-green, you know how cabbage leaves get.)
He was discovered by an itinerant farmer by the name of Aegis Unterbrunge. It was the morning of August 22nd, 1929, and Mr Unterbrunge was recovering from a rather nasty hangover, and mistook the young Mr. Langeaux for an errant lawn gnome. It turns out that this was largely due to the fact that he appears to have been brought into existence with a full beard, and wearing lederhosen.
This also explains why he was found some three years later chained to a ceramic deer in the front of Mr. Unterbrunge's mobile home.
edit Pre-War Scientific studies
Late in the summer of that year, after a few months consideration, he managed to create the first functional rotary engine. He loaned it to a lab assistant, in the hopes that the assistant might stand some small hope of getting laid, and get the lad's poor warped mind off of the building of small battery operated vibrating appliances for himself.
In the end, the assistant, one Mr. Wankel, drove the car straight to the patent office, and spent most of the remainder of his life getting laid for his fame, never bothering much with making money.
edit Inadvertently and Unintentionally causing World War I
Mr Langeaux was on a hunting holiday in June of 1914 in Yugoslavia just as the First World War began. He observed a young shabby man pointing a pistol at some head of state or other. While Mr. Langeaux did succeed in shooting the pistol out of the anarchist's hand, the shot managed to ricochet off the pistol, and mortally wound poor Ferdinand and his wife.
edit Clarification Regarding Perceived Temporal Paradoxii
Some purists may note that this is actually fifteen years prior to his supposed birth. Unfortunately, such purists are not allowing for the very real possibility that Mr. Langeaux's experiences in time travel were far more successful than he let on. It is now believed that Mr. Langeaux is actually four times older than the universe itself.
His immortal nature is of course quite well known, after the incident with the quantum accelerator, gene splicer, and rare golden Peruvian wombat (in the play by the same name). All attempts to re-enact / re-create this event have been unsuccessful. Those that have tried have ended up looking very foolish, very dead, or both. Again, some purists may note that such attempts are doomed to failure, because there is no such thing as a "rare golden Peruvian wombat". The reality is far simpler. There is a portion of the verbal history of the natives of the Peruvian Mountains, that speaks of a strange lawn gnome like gentleman that invented the practice of using golden wombat pelts as currency. This would not only explain the non-existence of golden wombats, but also the current state of the Peruvian economy.
edit World War I
Moving quickly from his hunting trip in Yugoslavia, Mr. Langeaux took winter residence that year with a well known Russian drunkard that he had befriended a decade or so prior. The man had used the conversations of all those years before, to form his own little religion. Not much is known about this guy, except for his theology, obviously borne from the long cold Russian winters, and far too much Madeira, was essentially that one had to basically commit sins until one had "sinned ones self out". Pretty interesting in theory... and at least they guy was getting laid on a regular basis now, but it kind of pissed off all those husbands for all those wives that one is boinking to sin ones self out. Too bad it was also Mr. Langeaux's idea from the beginning, stolen by the young Grigorii in the vain attempt that it might get him some female companionship.
Eventually the ranting husbands got pissed off pretty badly, invited some guys from the mob out to cut off the offending member. Rumor has it that it has been seen, well preserved, in the salons of Paris, but there is only the contented smile of a certain jilted countess as proof, and that isn't exactly what one would consider "hard" evidence. At any rate, the hubbies threw a bit of a party there but it got kind of out of hand. It lasted some 72 years, and left the country a total shambles. Mr. Langeaux kept his distance after the murder of his friend, but it was noted that he would make several dozen trips to the Black Sea in the coming years.
edit Interwar Years
In the interwar years, he spent most of his time as an artist, even taking a few years to teach. He was particularly frustrated by an artist named Adolf something or other, and did his best to redirect him into fields where he showed more promise... anywhere but art... Some years later, he was concerned to hear that the young man had been arrested. He felt a bit sorry for how he had left things with him, so he bought the man a cheap typewriter and made a present of it.
He delivered it personally, and was shocked to see the young man's condition. Bits of his mustache was falling out, and he had chronic diarrhea. Investigating further, he discovered that he had been put on a diet of largely pureed fruits. Mr. Langeaux suggested that all his problems were being caused by the juice. Young Adolf agreed, then his eyes glazed over a little and he fell silent.
In the end, Mr Langeaux was somewhat gratified to hear that little Adolf managed to get a book written. That of course, pretty much assured that the failed artist would get laid, no matter how bad the mustache looked. One should mention that this assumed that he would be able to pull of the whole moody and irrational author persona that women like so much. It proved to be not a problem at all...
edit World War II
During the second world war, Mr. Langeaux spent most of his time in the far east. He started keeping a personal diary of his thoughts on the subject of communism for one of his friends that he had met from the Black Sea. At the time, he was working to help yet another friend in China deal with a rather nasty opium addiction. It wasn't a bad thing, except for the fact that he was so ripped most of the time that he couldn't get it up to save his life. In the end, his little oriental friend made off with Mr. Langeaux's little red diary.
When Joe (the friend from the Black Sea) heard about the loss, he became quite paranoid, and acted rather badly as a result. Frustrated himself, Mr. Langeaux left the country in the final year of he war to work on a new design for a time machine that he had been contemplating.He opened his research center in a small town in northern Japan. In early August of that year, he had a rather successful trial run. The prototype accomplished all of his time travel goals, but was exceptionally hard on the environment. He appeared a few days later in a nearby town, apparently deciding that the harm to the environment was too great. Several governments chose to try to pursue his ideas for their own ends, but none was very successful with it, despite their desires use the technology to take the world back to the stone age.
For the record, and to avoid some of the troubles that have plagued other historians on the topic, when Mr. Langeaux refers to the "Mushroom" effect, he is, generally, speaking of the theories behind these early time-travel experiments. This has no relation to his experiments some decades later with Mr. Leary et. al, regardless of what some less erudite historians might suggest.
edit Post War Years
Putting his mind on the troubles of repairing the environmental damage that was done by his time travel experiment, Mr. Langeaux applied some of the technology involved in the experiment to help create a better financial basis for the country. The first products were a series of washing machines and vibrating plastic personal products, but eventually the company managed to become quite viable. The company name was based on the image presented by the rising sun flag of Japan, "The Sunny Day Happy People Machine Company", or more popularly by his employees, simply "Sunny". He eventually handed the company over to an illiterate pair of janitors who, nevertheless, managed to do a pretty good job of running the company, even though neither one ever really managed to learn how to actually spell the company name.
After leaving Japan, there were a few years where he simply disappeared. He appeared in New York some time later, living with a young author named Jerome. One afternoon he took the aspiring author with a young lady, out for a drive in the country. It seems that Jerome couldn't get laid to save his life. The young lady was obviously attracted to him, but he really couldn't get the nerve up to do anything about it. They stopped out near a farmers field when the young lady heard nature call. When Jerome continued to wine, Mr. Langeaux kicked him out of the car, saying "Catch up to her out in the rye field, JD..." They came back to the car about a half an hour later with their clothes inside out, but much calmer. Jerome eventually actually became an author, and got laid on a regular basis.
On the same outing, he chose to hide some of his blueprints out in a pumpkin patch that was owned by a commune that Mr. Langeaux had donated some land, but when he came back some time later, he couldn't find them again and threw a bit of a hissy fit. It turns out that the guy who owned the land adjoining the commune was filming a vegetarian porn loop and observed him hiding the blueprints. He immediately horked them for himself. Luckily they weren't his only blueprints.
He chose to go on a major road trip with another author wannabe named Jack that was apparently fairly enjoyable. He managed to help Jack get laid quite a bit in the mean time, but Jack really started getting lucky after he actually got published. Too bad he was usually so stoned that he couldn't tell when it was actually happening.
edit The 1960's
In the sixties, not much is known of him, out side the aforementioned experiments with Mr. Leary. (not, it should be noted, with Ms. O'Leary of Chicago. That is another event that would actually come several million years later by Mr. Langeaux's personal time line.) The association with Mr. Leary, while not entirely unsuccessful, at least managed not to be so frustratingly hard upon the environment as his previous experiments with time travel had been. Still, they were only able to manage a few hundred thousand relatively short trips.
edit Time Travel Experiments Nearing Fruition
Near the end of the 1960's, he started moving in new directions with his time travel experiments. There exists fairly strong evidence at this point that would lead one to believe that he had a working time machine that was approximately the size of a semi trailer. He moved it about the country as he worked on it, but ran into difficulties with the teamsters when he refused to join the union. At one point in 1975, his rolling laboratory was stolen by the teamsters and held for ransom. After trying unsuccessfully to explain it to the "retired" teamster that had actually stolen the machine, he simply invited him to enter the imaging chamber to demonstrate it for him. Unfortunately for the teamster, the machine was still only a prototype, and while the gentleman WAS sent back a few days in time, he was not moved correspondingly through space... and as the galaxy is moving pretty fast, when he finally managed to catch up to the earth again, it hit him in the small of the back pretty hard. He didn't seem to notice after three days in a vacuum, and only managed to leave a wee greasy spot in the upper atmosphere somewhere out over the Pacific ocean.
Mr. Langeaux's experiments with time travel continued but, learning from his mistakes, he created a slightly more elegant form of transportation, in the form of a series of rotating disc shaped objects capable of extra-atmospheric flight. This allowed him to move his time machines at will, and keep them out of the public eye. Well... the time machines were at least somewhat hidden, it would take him a bit of time to get to the point where the crafts themselves would be out of the public eye.
edit Post-Milennial Temporal Redaction and The Rise and Fall of the Olympian Sub-Culture
Some time after the year 2000, Mr. Langeaux apparently perfected his time machine, reportedly even making a pocket sized version. In a given time line that may no longer exist, the world faced extinction. He reportedly selected a cadre of friends and scientists, taking them back in time to the relative past. One of these colonies picked a site in ancient Macedonia on mount Olympus. Another created a settlement near the Bahamas. The latter settlement continued to do work in scientific arenas, especially on the subject of fluid dynamics, thought some "went native" a bit, spending more and more time on the beach investigating the intoxicating side effects of certain OTHER dynamic fluids. Unfortunately a small sect of that community became quite inbred. The society began to fail, so the intellectual elite there, at the apparent suggestion of Mr. Langeaux, made it appear that the island was sinking into the Atlantic ocean. The inbred beach combers simply got in their boats and made for the mainland. The truth however was that it was no island, but a larger version of Mr, Langeaux's flying disc that had no more difficulty a controlled decent beneath a few hundred feet of water than it did in traveling to other galaxies, which of course it did almost immediately after ridding itself of the intellectual dead weight. The craft was lost at some point however as scientists, regardless of their intellect, cant drive for crap, lost control of the ship in a black hole while moving back through time, and created the original big bang.
The community at Olympus fared somewhat better, but still managed a bit of a struggle with the balance between hedonism and stoicism. It was a rather short lived phenomenon however, as they simply voted that Mr. Langeaux should be their emperor. It worked well of course, except for one of the guys that had been brought along that had been a professional base ball player (reasons for including him are a bit unclear, some state that he was engaged to one of the GreekWE_Divas|female scientists]] that had been brought along). The gentleman was basically forcibly ejected from the community, eventually finding a place telling stories of the community to people in Athens. Not much is known of him, probably because he never quite got the hang of the language.
edit In Conclusion
At this point we lose contact with Mr. Langeaux. As an immortal with the ability to travel through time, it should be noted that he could be anyone... anywhere... but one thing is sure... despite his ability to get other people laid, he is probably almost definitely still technically a virgin. If you are hot and would like to speak to him about the possibility of being an agent of his de-virginification, by all means, do so. Contact information follows:
Visit his badly neglected website: http://www.langeaux.com
Amaze at his suckage on Live Journal! http://algor-langeaux.livejournal.com
You want to be Twat-at by the Algor? http://twitter.com/Algor_Langeaux
Facecrack lUser? Why yes he is! http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#!/no.username.thanks
Plain Old e-mail? (Luddite) Algor_Langeaux(at)yahell.cum <--- probably need to fix that somehow...
It should be noted however that unless he thinks you aren't a nose-raping jackass, you probably won't be hearing much...