User:Aleister in Chains/news

From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia

Jump to: navigation, search

New Orleans recovering slowly, will host Super Bowl


New Orleans' Bourbon Street, "The Street Where Dreams Come True". Not quite a shadow of its former self, Bourbon Street will soon be ready to receive tens of thousands of Superbowl visitors. Bring plenty of beads gentlemen!

New Orleans, Louisiana - Hurricane Katrina took a swipe out of New Orleans' hide in 2005, but you can't keep a good man down. The city has almost risen from the ashbin of history to host this year's Super Bowl between the San Francisco 49ers and Baltimore Ravens.

"I'm the best receiver of all-time, and I'm going to party like it's 1999," rhymed 49er receiver Randy Moss, who plans to catch at least three passes on Sunday to add to his total of fifteen for the past two years, "We gotta live it up, it's New Orleans, man!"

The bodies of residents still hang in trees in the 9th ward, swaying in the cool breezes of the Gulf. The recovery effort has picked up in anticipation of the Super Bowl, and the draining of the high swamps around the New Orleans Superdome is well underway. Rescue teams are in full swing as thousands of people are still missing and presumed submerged. Hindered only by alligators and mark-of-the-beast type creatures spawned in the wake of the Katrina disaster, rescuers reports that people who've been trapped in their attics for over seven years are catching Super Bowl Fever!

"While it is true that New Orleans' neighborhoods look like a tornado hit every few feet," said Mayor Mitch Landrieu, the only person who applied for the job, "municipal crews are earnestly shuffling the debris 'down the block', as we local's like to call it. A slow federal response over two presidential administrations has not aided the recovery, but hinders it at every turn."

"We try to get the fallen power lines under control and pick up some of the corpses before the dogs find them," said Sanitation Chief Woeizme Oppenhemier, "but every time you finally recognize where a house once stood or your neighbor's skull, some lackey from FEMA comes over to 'give aid', which means a pat on the back and a bulldozer pushing everything back to where it came from."

The dwindling survivors have organized into neighborhood improvement associations in anticipation of a visit by Randy Moss, the self-styled 'best receiver in football history'. "Randy will save us," said Hildy Gable, an elderly dementia patient whose nursing home is covered with mold spores, rat and raccoon nests, and staffed by a local team of vooden practicioners. "I've received four imaginary tickets to the Super Bowl, but I'm afraid to go because there will be Ravens and soul-collectors there."

So as New Orleans prepares to once again take its proud place in international consciousness while the scent of decomposing flesh has temporarily receded, severe drunks, hoboes, drifters and revelers prepare to play their part in a festive weekend of booze, broads, and boys reaching in-between each others legs trying to grab a ball. The oddsmakers say that because of Randy Moss the 49ers are odds on favorites to smash the Ravens into the ground, not unlike the recent history New Orleans, a proud below sea-level city that never, ever, sleeps.


UnNews Logo Potato
This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.

The lowdown on dog spit Johnny Topeka kansas

Topeaka, KANSAS - Here is what I know and now you'll know it too: Dog spit is too gross for man or beast. Sometimes it foams after they run, and they shake their head every which way and it all goes all over my shirt and pants and looks like I've pissed on myself and my piss is a white foamy chemical. This one time in the forest I saw a dog running and panting, with spit hanging off its nose. Even I can't even do that even if I get my mouth all watered up and then toss my head back real hard, none gets to my nose. Dogs have a gift that way, like sword swallowers or opera instructors.

Gravity proven to be time, and vica versa

London, England - The Theory of Everything (TAO) was finally solved today when it was announced that gravity is time, and vica versa. "As simple as an infinately flat rock," said Sir Aleister of Hempstead on Thames, "the search for the elusive gravitron can now end, for there is no such animal. A unified field either contains no time, no gravity, and no space, or all time, all gravity, and all space. In both instances, gravity and time are melded together like a baby and/or fly with two heads."

During a press conference at the London Institute of Artistic Research (LIAR), Sir Aleister, feet up on a desk and chugging from a bottle of aged Scotch, blew out smoke from his last toke and preceded to shatter all previous theories of everything into shards of misshapen graphene.

strings, bosons, or quarks.

UnNews: The Guy Who Invented Belts Reincarnated as Hacker

Phoenix, Arizona -


Road o' Death
A history lesson wikipedia

Have you heard of James Bevel? Can you summarize his career? If you answered "no" or "wasn't he an advisor to Dr. King?", then a cone of silence has engulfed you and you are now about to be amazed. This initial post is about James Bevel's deeds in the 1960s, and not about his 2008 imprisonment and death.

First, James Bevel can be uttered in the same breath as James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., George Washington, James Bevel. There, you can see it at the end there, last but not least.

James Bevel, called the Father of Voting Rights and the strategist and architect of the 1960s Civil Rights Movement, seems to have initiated, organized, and usually ran the main events of the Civil Rights Movement from 1962 to 1967. That includes this list from

Bevel was the top student initiating and organizing the student movement from 1960 to 1962 when Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - who was not a strategist of movements nor capable of teaching people how to do them, and never claimed to be either - asked James Bevel to meet with him. In that meeting they made an agreement that they'd work together, although neither would have veto power over the other, each would continue to do what they'd been doing, and that they'd work on each movement without compromising until the goal of the particular movement was obtained. Bevel thus became Director of Direct Action and Director of Nonviolent Education of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC), the two main operational positions within the group.

Moses with Ipad

Moses delivering the Ten Tagging Commandments.

1. Thou shalt be helpful to authors!

If a page has any potential, be nice to the author. Perhaps you can suggest an improvement, perhaps you can add something explaining that this giant pink tag isn't personal. Just remember that we are hoping to motivate people, not subject them to public humiliation. For this purpose, we recommend using {{ICU}} with a comment instead of {{NRV}} for most NRV-able pages.

2. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag an article that is still being written!

It sickens me to see articles where there is a long line of edits close in time with one another, all by the original author except for one edit by someone adding NRV. When I first came here I wrote articles in many edits; had I been interrupted in that by an NRV tag I would have been furious. In practical terms, new articles should not be tagged until they have gone unedited for at least one hour.

3. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag an article that is marked as being under construction!

If a page is marked with a {{Construction}} or {{WIP}} tag, hands off! If the text of the article says that it is under construction, delete that text and add one of these tags. NRV and the maintenance tags are meant to make sure that an unfinished article gets finished. Authors who list their pages as under construction already know they have work to do and they already have the seven day time limit.

4. Thou shalt not ICU or NRV any page that is more than a week old!

(unless you are an admin AND have a good reason) It is long standing policy that NRV is only to be used as a filter for the inflow of new crap. Older stuff should be given a tag with a longer expiration period. If the page needs work but has hope, use {{fix}} on old pages instead of NRV. If you really want it gone, use VFD.

5. Thou shalt attempt to save those Condemned to Eternal Suffering!

Whenever you patrol for pages to ICU, NRV or maintenance tag, please devote a bit of time to foraging through one of these categories to find a page worth saving, then spend some time making that article better. If you actually do this, it will help you learn to use the tags in a way that is more useful for people trying to improve the site's quality.

6. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag a page without reading it!

Yes, the page may look like crap, but maybe the text is actually funny when you read it. If an article is really long and bad, you don't have to sit there reading it for 20 minutes, but still read the first two paragraphs.

7. Thou shalt not tag a page as Ugly because you were too lazy to read it!

This is the converse of the last rule. Sometimes it may look like an article would be fine if it were formatted correctly, but then when you try to do so, you realize that the text is utter crap too. These sorts of pages aren't worth trying to save by formatting alone. If the text of an article is beyond saving, NRV, VFD or Fix tag it.

8. Thou shalt not tag a page if you could fix up the page yourself in under five minutes!

If you see the problem and could correct it easily yourself, then don't pass it along to someone else. Give it your best shot, and then if you can't fix the problem, you are allowed to tag it.

9. Thou shalt use Vanity templates for dealing with vanity!

If your mum hasn't heard of the page's subject, it doesn't have a wikipedia article, or the page just doesn't pass the sniff test, follow one of our vanity tag procedures, rather than NRVing it. {{vanity2}} works like NRV, {{vanity3}} works like VFD, and {{vanity}} is for permissible vanity.

10. Thou shalt ignore the fact that this last commandment exists only to bring the number of commandments up to 10!

Just because the Admins are too lazy to produce 10 commandments does not mean you may mock them for it! If you do not value your life highly, you could put a {{fix}} tag on this page to make the point...