User:Aleister in Chains/news

Davy Jones

The lowdown on dog spit Johnny Topeka kansas

Topeka, KANSAS - Here is what I know and now you'll know it too: Dog spit is too gross for man or beast. Did you ever see it? It just hangs there, from their mouth. Sometimes it foams after they run for awhile, and got their juices all stirred up. Then they shake their head back and forth every which way and it all goes all over my shirt and pants and looks like I've pissed myself and my piss is like a white foamy chemical.

This one time in the forest I saw a dog running and panting, with spit hanging off its nose. Even I can't even do that, even if I get my mouth all watered up there and then toss my head back real hard, none gets as far as my nose. Dogs have a god given natural gift that way, like sword swallowers or opera instructors.

The one time I choked on dog spit was when I was drinking some from a neighbor dog. It just looked kind of interesting to me all of a sudden for some reason and I started lapping at her mouth. Like a french kiss but I was all over trying to catch it all. The dog spit foamy and gooey and some of it got into my eye so I wiped that on her fur, and the salty taste of the spit was too gross even for me to talk about too gross for man or beast. She just sprang off and ran around again, hardly noticing, and by the time a few minutes of chasing and kicking balls had gotten her all loaded up again, I just took a few swipes that time, and she was off again, tongue hanging out like they do.

This is Johnny, your uncyclopedia reporter in Topeka, Kansas, reporting all about dog spit. For my next report I figure something about ants.

Gravity proven to be time, and vica versa

London, England - The Theory of Everything (TAO) was finally solved today when it was announced that gravity is time, and vica versa. "As simple as an infinately flat rock," said Sir Aleister of Hempstead on Thames, "the search for the elusive gravitron can now end, for there is no such animal. A unified field either contains no time, no gravity, and no space, or all time, all gravity, and all space. In both instances, gravity and time are melded together like a baby and/or fly with two heads."

During a press conference at the London Institute of Artistic Research (LIAR), Sir Aleister, feet up on a desk and chugging from a bottle of aged Scotch, blew out smoke from his last toke and preceded to shatter all previous theories of everything into shards of misshapen graphene.

strings, bosons, or quarks.

UnNews: The Guy Who Invented Belts Reincarnated as Hacker

Phoenix, Arizona -

A history lesson wikipedia

Have you heard of James Bevel? Can you summarize his career? If you answered "no" or "wasn't he an advisor to Dr. King?", then a cone of silence has engulfed you and you are now about to be amazed. This initial post is about James Bevel's deeds in the 1960s, and not about his 2008 imprisonment and death.

First, James Bevel can be uttered in the same breath as James Madison, Thomas Jefferson, Abraham Lincoln, Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr., George Washington, James Bevel. There, you can see it at the end there, last but not least.

James Bevel, called the Father of Voting Rights and the strategist and architect of the 1960s Civil Rights Movement, seems to have initiated, organized, and usually ran the main events of the Civil Rights Movement from 1962 to 1967. That includes this list from

Bevel was the top student initiating and organizing the student movement from 1960 to 1962 when Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. - who was not a strategist of movements nor capable of teaching people how to do them, and never claimed to be either - asked James Bevel to meet with him. In that meeting they made an agreement that they'd work together, although neither would have veto power over the other, each would continue to do what they'd been doing, and that they'd work on each movement without compromising until the goal of the particular movement was obtained. Bevel thus became Director of Direct Action and Director of Nonviolent Education of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference (SCLC), the two main operational positions within the group.

Moses delivering the Ten Tagging Commandments.

1. Thou shalt be helpful to authors!

If a page has any potential, be nice to the author. Perhaps you can suggest an improvement, perhaps you can add something explaining that this giant pink tag isn't personal. Just remember that we are hoping to motivate people, not subject them to public humiliation. For this purpose, we recommend using {{ICU}} with a comment instead of {{NRV}} for most NRV-able pages.

2. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag an article that is still being written!

It sickens me to see articles where there is a long line of edits close in time with one another, all by the original author except for one edit by someone adding NRV. When I first came here I wrote articles in many edits; had I been interrupted in that by an NRV tag I would have been furious. In practical terms, new articles should not be tagged until they have gone unedited for at least one hour.

3. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag an article that is marked as being under construction!

If a page is marked with a {{Construction}} or {{WIP}} tag, hands off! If the text of the article says that it is under construction, delete that text and add one of these tags. NRV and the maintenance tags are meant to make sure that an unfinished article gets finished. Authors who list their pages as under construction already know they have work to do and they already have the seven day time limit.

4. Thou shalt not ICU or NRV any page that is more than a week old!

(unless you are an admin AND have a good reason) It is long standing policy that NRV is only to be used as a filter for the inflow of new crap. Older stuff should be given a tag with a longer expiration period. If the page needs work but has hope, use {{fix}} on old pages instead of NRV. If you really want it gone, use VFD.

5. Thou shalt attempt to save those Condemned to Eternal Suffering!

Whenever you patrol for pages to ICU, NRV or maintenance tag, please devote a bit of time to foraging through one of these categories to find a page worth saving, then spend some time making that article better. If you actually do this, it will help you learn to use the tags in a way that is more useful for people trying to improve the site's quality.

6. Thou shalt not ICU, NRV or maintenance tag a page without reading it!

Yes, the page may look like crap, but maybe the text is actually funny when you read it. If an article is really long and bad, you don't have to sit there reading it for 20 minutes, but still read the first two paragraphs.

7. Thou shalt not tag a page as Ugly because you were too lazy to read it!

This is the converse of the last rule. Sometimes it may look like an article would be fine if it were formatted correctly, but then when you try to do so, you realize that the text is utter crap too. These sorts of pages aren't worth trying to save by formatting alone. If the text of an article is beyond saving, NRV, VFD or Fix tag it.

8. Thou shalt not tag a page if you could fix up the page yourself in under five minutes!

If you see the problem and could correct it easily yourself, then don't pass it along to someone else. Give it your best shot, and then if you can't fix the problem, you are allowed to tag it.

9. Thou shalt use Vanity templates for dealing with vanity!

If your mum hasn't heard of the page's subject, it doesn't have a wikipedia article, or the page just doesn't pass the sniff test, follow one of our vanity tag procedures, rather than NRVing it. {{vanity2}} works like NRV, {{vanity3}} works like VFD, and {{vanity}} is for permissible vanity.

10. Thou shalt ignore the fact that this last commandment exists only to bring the number of commandments up to 10!

Just because the Admins are too lazy to produce 10 commandments does not mean you may mock them for it! If you do not value your life highly, you could put a {{fix}} tag on this page to make the point...