User:Aleister in Chains/news
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HELIUM CITY, Mars - Dejah Thoris, Princess of Mars, announced at a press conference this morning that proof of past life on Mars has been found by Above Top Secret user BuzzDengue, and she is really angry about it.
"We tried to pick everything up and hide all the fossils and alien debris and whatnot that lay in the path of the earth rover Curiosity," said Thoris, "but we missed a few. This shell and inner-structure of a Grand Glaupisous should have been spotted and covered with sand, but nooooo, one of our guys was watching a meteorite flash and bounced right by it. Then Curiosity photographed it on January 19, and that meddler BuzzDengue pointed it out but thought it was some kind of mechanical object, and then, curse our red-planet luck, that joker funbox just had to prepare zoomed-in photographs of it. These earthlings really get my goat."
The fossil, which can clearly be seen to be an undulating shell-like rim with an inner attached spoke skeleton and central-body structure, lay in Gale Crater, an ancient lakebed.
"Ms. Thoris," asked UnNews Mars Correspondent Randolph K. Quinn, the only reporter brave enough to be in the room, "Has anyone yet notified NASA of this find?"
The Princess of Mars looked down her nose at the cowering reporter, "No, and you better not do it either. Earth must never know that past life existed on Mars, and so far NASA has been very cooperative."
The Princess explained that Grand Glaupisous' are kept as pets and musical instruments in the lush caverns where Martians live, and that this fossil of one of their esteemed ancestors will be given a proper burial once earth rover Curiosity isn't looking.
"Humans are so gullible, and they will soon forget that they've even seen this thing," Thoris explained as she devoured crigilly worms and bunny photosom, the traditional evening meal of royal Martians. "And I swear by Arken's Spine that no other news organization will ever discuss this again."
UnNews: The Guy Who Invented Belts Reincarnated as Hacker
Boston, Lousiana - Rising from the dead is a trick that Sydney Blondething learned in grade school, and when he was the former 16th Century artisan Theodore J. Fulbright, and invented belts, he barely ever thought about hacking much less computers.
But now here he is, one of the world's foremost hackers, about to retire and looking forward to his next life. Mr. Blondething sat down with CNN reporter Anderson Cooper to talk of his secret life and belts.
"When did you realize that belts were needed, and that you wanted to be a hacker," Cooper asked, letting the tape recorder run while he went off to take a leak and fix himself a sandwich.
"In 1507, just outside of Lietzberg, I saw my father's pants fall down," said Fulbright, "and even while I figured out that a tight cord would hold his pants up next time, I joined in the laughter. Then, realizing that tight internet controls were being jerry-rigged by dumber people than myself," said Blondething, "I dove into the world of code with a vengeance that would make your head spin and your feet start in on the tapping."
The invention of belts marked the beginning of an era of prosperity and riches in Europe, and women had something to wrap their fingers around when they wanted to play the floozy, to the delight of their beau's and shock of mater and pater. Cracking the computers which held the internet together was no small achievement, and by the time anyone caught on that the entire contents of the internet had been freely distributed to everyone in China, Saudi Arabia, Africa, and America, driving those countries leaders into a frenzy with the running in circles and the sounds of whooping cranes in heat needing that extra push, Blondething was looking up in the air, twirling his thumbs and whistling like he had nothing to do with it and even those who hadn't seen it coming saw it going.
"The loops were the key to the whole operation," Fulbright and Blondething recalled, "I had this long piece of leather with holes in it and attached a few pieces of ultra-thin nanometal and a 7ze capability mother board mounted on a new quantum flux graphene wormhole-connector, but had nowhere to hang them. So it was loops around the waist and a push on the right electrical circuit of cry trying. Giving the poor in Kenya a way to hold their sheet on and contact their loved ones and business associates while far away, thus using Uncle Sam's dime and Mother Nature's law of gravity without either of them catching on, seemed like the things to do."
Blondething won the 2014 Nobel Prize in Sheer Audacity for his loop-theory of universal planetary communicational, and celebrated by handing out belts to the judges.
Gravity proven to be time, and vica versa
London, England - The Theory of Everything (TAO) was finally solved today when it was announced that gravity is time, and vica versa. "As simple as an infinately flat rock," said Sir Aleister of Hempstead on Thames, "the search for the elusive gravitron can now end, for there is no such animal. A unified field either contains no time, no gravity, and no space, or all time, all gravity, and all space. In both instances, gravity and time are melded together like a baby and/or fly with two heads."
During a press conference at the London Institute of Artistic Research (LIAR), Sir Aleister, feet up on a desk and chugging from a bottle of aged Scotch, blew out smoke from his last toke and preceded to shatter all previous theories of everything into shards of misshapen graphene.
strings, bosons, or quarks.
Phoenix, Arizona -