User:Aleister in Chains/Yoga
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Amongst its other faults, this website may contain objectionable content, such as depictions of sex, violence, dark humor parody, or other materials not intended for a general audience.
No, seriously, we mean it. This is a scary, scary place. It has depictions of violence that makes even hardened Vietnam vets turn away in disgust. As for sex? It not only gives suggestions of a sexual nature, it even has handy guides as to how to get laid, how often to get laid, and what you can actually have sex with, including quadrupeds, octopods, robots, extinct species, and organically grown produce.
And as for dark humor - oh boy does it have some dark humor. Some of the humor is so dark that it can only be illuminated by a 50 megaton nuclear explosion.
But there is some great parody and satire here. One of the unfortunate side-effects of parody is using a humorous base to illuminate serious social issues which may even cause the reader to stop and think for a moment about the world in general and their place in it. Due to this thought provoking nature we advise that the content within be avoided by right-wing puritans and members of fundamentalist religious groups.
As a result of all this, it is advised that the content of this wiki only be viewed by adult audiences.
In specific though, this site is really funny.
My name is Vinnie. My homies call me Swami Vinnie, but you know what a Swami is? A freakin' job title, that's all. And when you meet a teach like me what I learns you is the yoga of the streets. No more and no less.
Well, awhile back, some of the freaks and junkies who don't hang with me, so whatdotheyknow?, put up a ten dollar bet that I can't teach ya internet creeps nuttin. So listen up.
Yoga doesn't mean yogurt or like that. It means union, and some of the crew insist it's an ancient path to consciousness and assimilation which does its best to learns you proven techniques to quiet and control your muscles, emotions, thoughts, and decision patterns. Most of the crackheads around here believe yoga is that thing ya take down at the Park District to learn how to shape yourself into a pretzel, or to flash your talents to the buy-me babes over to the clubs. Ya, right. Most of the street crowd are like the rest of humanity, walking around weighed down with these oversize egos and uncurious minds. So to shut down their big egos, and engorge their tiny minds, I gotta teach them to enter bliss. Ya think that's easy? All most of them want is a half-eaten Mac from the dumpster, smokes, and a bottle of MD 20-20 to sooth the pain and block out the voices. Well thing is, like this old yogi broad I know who lives in back of the pizza place says, "If you take one step towards God, She takes 1000 steps towards you". So that's what ya gotta do.
edit Did you take it? No, Dude, you have to take the first step
Then She takes 1000 steps towards you.
Waitin'. I'm waiting here.
edit Yoga Sutras of Patangali
OK, you took it. Or I'll pretend you took it so as to not waste anysmore of my time. So let us begin.
The first thing you've got to find out about yoga is that it's all in the mind. That's right. Sounds so easy that a child can do it. Well, no they can't. It's a rare child that wakes up when they're awake. By the time they come outta the womb they already have so many trauma memories in their muscles, which will tell them what ta do the rest of their lives. Then when they inner-act with the 'vironment and everything in it, theyz restrict their universe even more. Jamokes! Some of them catch themselves doing this and start to expand their points-of-view, stretch out their inner space, and obtain freer movement within it. Lots of cats know how this is done, but Vinny No Thumbs - that's what the boys at the precinct house call me 'cause I once stopped using my thumbs for two years - I'll pass along one or five exercises to give you a few handles to grab onto. Then once you grab and move yourz brains images and emotions around by yourself, and not with just the old patterns driving the meat, you'll be wearing some pretty nice gang colours to go with your dance bucko.
edit Exercises of the street
[[to do: In-between thoughts, attention on space, tense and untense, cotomies, more)
edit Finding bliss under the $50 trampoline at WalMart
When a mind is one even while you walk in the marketplace, and the great sage that makes the grass green is playing a game of pick-up sticks while Buddha takes side-bets, then you have reached the place in which you know which Beatle played bass and realize that you are the Beatle that played bass. Collapsable universe on one level. Expanding to fill all space on its flip-side. You wanna expand your mind? Just knows that it already creates everything ya looking at and have ever expereinced. Then kinda like an unrare diamond, everybody else has got one too.
edit Why Muslims don't yoga
This is a trick question. Some muslims do, but they usually call themselves Sufi's. And the thing is about religion, all of the "great" religions - they don't usually count Scientology or Wicca among those but they shoulds - have a few tiers of learning. Like at school, some of the kids were Professor Quiz-Quiz and some were in special ed with the lumpkins, but most of us were in the middle somewheres learning how to add with one eye while trying to catch a glimpse of skin above the knee with the other.
edit Jews and yoga
They call theirs Kabbalah, and like the rest of them you have to really know which Kabbalah teach is the real thing and which one is sucking off Madonna's tit. You can tells by the kabbalah diagrams and what the labels explains to ya. Free as a bird or stuck where you think sand can hold ya still.
edit Yoga babes
Men and women can be yoga babes, most of them already are. They have it at their center which knows itself to be, but you have to talk to it directly because of all the garbage it's ride has to carry around. Junk bonds and the like.