|This article is part of UnNews||A newsstand that's brimming with issues|
17 February 2011
MADISON, Wisconsin -- Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker, who has tried to force his fellow Republicans to break the back of the public workers unions from a hill in the middle of the most progressively active city in the nation, now must face 80,000 people who have taken over the State Capital Building and its surrounding grounds. The protest, which is starting to receive Cairo-style publicity, has focused international attention on Republican plans to give America's unions the ultimate wedgie. "Just a week ago Governor Walker was an up-and-coming Republican star who thought he'd be the one to finally accomplish the GOP wet-dream of crippling America's unions", according to Republican spokesperson Liz Cheney, "He is now widely acknowledged as having his brains in his butt".
"What in God's name was he thinking," said GOP operative Karl Rove, "Madison, Wisconsin? The liberal hive itself? And Walker thought he could waltz into town and tear the unions a new one? I need a drink." Rove's colleague in the ranks of the GOP's finest thinkers, Minnesota Congressman Michele Bachmann, announced that even she was not inept enough to do what Walker has done. "The Governor has gone all in," she said, "and it looks like the hippies held all the aces and will soon take the pot. Walkers chances of having any national influence in the Republican party after this have gone deep into where the sun don't shine."
"Yes, his brains are in his colon," said University of Wisconsin biologist Langdon Nottingham. "This was a close-kept secret among those of us who have seen the X-rays from his annual physical, but it is now clear to everyone."
The protesters - union workers, students, teachers, doctors, pets, fireman, and anyone out for a stroll - are expected to storm the Capitol Building again today, and tomorrow, and over the weekend. "Almost all of the people in the Midwest who would protest such an action live within, say, a two-mile radius of the Capitol Building," said astonished Republican has-been Newt Gingrich. "We've held the agenda of crumpling unions like a wad of paper ever since Reagan offed the air-traffic controllers in the early '80s, but we've kept it under the radar, so to speak. And now this chowderhead has not only spilled the beans, but spilled them all over every television camera and talking head in the nation. Jesus Christ on a polo stick!"
Governor Walker, holed up in his bed with the blankets drawn up over his head, was unavailable for comment. His spokesman, Monona Mendota, acknowledged that the Governor's brains are, indeed, up his butt, but said that up until now no one has really noticed.
- Jeff Mayers "Thousands of Wisconsin union workers protest budget plan". Reuters, February 15, 2011