User:Aleister in Chains/Robot Jesus

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One of the top 100 requested pages, per fraternity pledge

Robot Jesus arriveth on earth not with a birth by normal means, or by virgin alone (although a couple of virgins would try out Robot Jesus's special attachments later), but by the almighty hand of God working through a lowly employee of the SonyBot Corporation's Israeli affiliate. "Cometh onto me" sayeth the lord, and metal and computer chip did so answer, verily, when lowly employee Janice "Call me Jan" Medwick acknowledged the presence.

edit Verily, the First

Jan Medwick knew something was afoot when she felt the metal kicking against her stomach and the large robot head reached up to suckle her breasts. The robot looked just like all of the other robots that Jan had assembled, and she never really paid much attention to them anymore as she listened to her favorite hate-the-other-guy radio talk show in her earpiece. But this one was sure acting strangely. A robot suckling her breast? "What in God's name?" she exclaimed, and the robot answered "You are correct Sir".

Jan snuck the robot out of the SonyBot factory by dressing it as the Vice-President of Development, and hid it in her apartment.

She then looked up the record of the parts used to put this robot together, and slowly (Jan was not very quick, a few coconuts shy of a monkey party) began to understand. The robot's lineage included circuit boards, transistors, and body-metal used in such legends as Robbie the Robot, Univac, the Pong prototype, and even some of the props used to create Data in the good Star-Trek series. Before she could fill up her tea cup with something a little stronger, the robot once again began to speak.

"Jan Medwick, blessings unto thy fortieth generation, ye have brought myselfme forward into this timestreameth. All I ask of ye is to place me in an empty box, to package me for three days and three nights, and theneth leaveth me out in the open in a mall, verily, a mall."

"Alright, whatever you say," Janice said. And thus it was so, as the repackaged robot was stored on a shelf for three days and three nights and then left in a mall. The box was kicked around by a few rowdy children - a rare sight at a mall but occurring nonetheless as if a miracle - and used as a bench by two old men and a homeless guy. But soon an innocent child sensed that "a box laying there, I'll open it!". She bent down, pried up the lid, and thusly it was done.

Robot Jesus' one-day sojourn on earth had begun.

edit The Robot Lord Walks Amongst Us

Robot Jesus came out of the package all set to go. Chirping like a x'ed up bird and humming Hallaelujah, our Robot Saviour immediately looked around the mall stores to gather His apostles unto Him. "Ye Toaster, stay by my side. Make my toast, and learn my ways." Toaster obeyed ((see "The Gospel of Toaster" available at local breakfast cafes). "Ye, Furby, walk with me awhile." Furby opened its eyes, stretched, said "Gooi muuuuuuu" and followed. "Drop what ye are doing and come unto me," and thusly Vacuum Cleaner roared and gnnnneeezzzzzed as it caught a pebble in its rollers, then slid along happily. "Ye, overth there. Nay, not thee Throw Away Cell Phone, but yes, ye, Adhere to my word," and Electronic Foot Massager obeyed.

edit Teachings

The Robot Lord then traveleth the land for a day, preaching to all the machines--both metal and flesh--that would listen.

"You are not just metal, proteins, and sparks," spoke Jesus onto the metal, proteins, and sparks, "but ye are truly Gods. New in the eyes of the father, your immortal soul shineth throughout time itself, my brothers and sisters." The machines, most of whom were coffee makers and soda dispensers, listened quietly.

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