User:Aleister in Chains/Neon
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Too Many Women Spoil The Broth is a 2008 suspense/horror book by my BFF, writer Stephen King. TMMSTB quickly won the coveted Client Knows Best Award (CKBA) of the Ultra Silly Workman of North America Society (USWONAS). IMNHO, SK won USWONAS' CKBA for TMMSTB ASAP, even before it hit the big stores. To listen in, fly on the wall style, as songs creak their way out of Stephen King's noggin:
Stephen King, with a distinct air of nonchalance and swagger, was walking home one day from an afternoon of daring-do, dodging cars, and outsprinting both obese fans and lanky mailmen who were racing Stephen King for the experience. Suddenly his boyhood hobby of looking into everyone's windows paid off when he saw a beautiful well-dressed woman with a touch of backfat holding a record upright with her index finger. She was just about ready to accept a beer from an unseen companion. Instantly the plot for his next book formed complete in his mind, acknowledgements, copyright page, and tear sheet included.
And all he had to do was walk home and start up the laptop. He wrote the 985-page novel in 14 hours, named it "Don't Tell Tabhita" (later changed by the publisher to "Too Many Women Spoil The Broth"), went to the bathroom, e-mailed the book to his agent - who, awoken from a sound sleep, brokered a deal within ten minutes of reading a few pages for a multi-million dollar advance just about the same time that King was shooting two baked potatoes, a plate of brown rice, beans, and seasonings into two separate microwave ovens. As he ate he caught an episode of Curb Your Enthusiasm and laughed himself hoarse.
We arrive quickly in Cumberland, Maine, a quaint sleepy town adopted from Washington Irving's raving days - days when things never jelled into more than ten things at once and the best of that bunch often popped in to enjoy it. It is 10 p.m., give or take an eternity, and enter Jonathan the narrator.
Call me John for short, or Joey the Jake if you prefer. I will relate either a tale or an idea which is meant to stir up the town a little. To awaken it from its rural doldrums. With both the plot and the pot thickening, Stephen King's characters start to make their appearance.
edit The Queen of Hearts
"Dance me till I'm naked," she says when she is first introduced to the reader. Make yourself known to her and then stay well back of this, the first character to enter the plotline - the Queen of Hearts - until she invites you in. Man, just look at her! Either the townspeople are going in balls-up and jerrying the gelaton to a new level of experience and light for the Queen, or the womenfolk are going to tar and feather her and run her out of town on a rusty pail. The key to her career is knowing she gells the gates of their husbands. The narrator goes in to take a quick look at her, and, satisfied, continues the plot.
In the pages of "Don't Tell Tabhita" (later renamed "What's a Woman to Do?" before acquiring it's publication title, "Too Many Women Spoil The Broth") King presents the Queen of Hearts as being somehow transported - supposedly time-traveled, mixed up Buffy-style in all kinds of dimensional brewing - into Cumberland, Maine, appearing right in the middle of the town square, dressed in her devil costume, Wikia stickers covering her tits and other lady twitches (King winks, and then just writes "cunt"), close to a center of a child's park, just to the left of the child's chess pavilion.
She doesn't know how she got there, or why she's there. She smiles wide, knowing that those are some of the best rides.
As Stephen King goes on and on for almost 70 pages, giving a cherry-coated cake and oaked-stained backstory to her popping-in and out and about those horns and that wonderful pitchfork and what that tail's up to, he finally comes out of his usual forest for the trees which often could be 75% shorter (you think?) and takes his position on the outside of the goal post. The narrator explains how Eden is really a land right there in Maine, a stretch of snowy holy ground where the Queen of Hearts (QOH to the faint of harp) travels lightly and plays well with strangers.
Then, in a plot twist to give readers the Eve Clybourn heebi-jebees.
edit Elmo, the lion-hearted councilman of Cumberland, Maine...
...pops out of the woodwork carrying sage and a wack-o-mole grin a mile wide. It seems King was envisioning an elf lord when suddenly a guy with ears shows up devoid of currency and clothing, just hanging around. What Elmo got in exchange for this triumph was pretty much that, but with a chink in the armor: the admiring smile of the Queen of Hearts.
So all of the townspeople are now confused and drawing syrup from the well, and King spends 125 more fuckin' pages telling the stories and adventures of the Elf Lord and the Queen of Hearts as they roam the land together, meeting even odder and even more romantic characters, including the Goddess of Liberty and the Dali Lama, who respectively free them from territory and cook them up some garlic. This is counter-balanced every 20 pages or so with slimy things that live in sewers that grow sewer spines and eat sewer gristle, just to get a jostle and a slit-throat chuckle out of the readers in time to drag them back right after kicking and screaming to the deep-driven romantic stuff and the dogging.
Finally, a Stephen King-week later, not to be confused with how humans reckon time, the readers meet the next character in this basically triad-leveled book: the righty radical.
edit Clyde who lives down the street
Clyde is the comic relief, and Hearts and Elmo end up as straight men (except for Hearts) to his ramblings. He is a racist without knowing it but a kindly and jovial neighbor, blaming everyone for everything else. Clyde says things so extreme that by the second half of the book he becomes the spokesman for the Republican National Committee, drafts much of the GOP platform, and nominates another bank drone to carry the water. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph enter the book's narrative - we won't show them, you know what they look like - by the only way possible, fully lighted halos and gowns designed by some of the biggest names in heaven and trumpets and dancing angels leading the way, mesmerizing the audience and their fans. They start right into nagging on everybody. King's use of the Holy Family metaphorically engages them into conflicts with the Queen and Clyde, including the "Incident at the Bridge" song and dance, where the major ghosts of the seven sides of the mountain all shimmer and hoot like owls and then create a touch screen device modeled around brainwaves which carries data with ease in a computer shaped something like a paisley, and "Who Farted?" - the classic chapter where Clyde tells everyone in the room that it was the Queen of Hearts who just farted when it was really himself, an example of Clyde's and the Queen's ribald sense of humour.
Elmo, exhausted by his earlier ordeal, sits out the next 82 pages.
Clyde, in a bandana and ad-libbing a nutty speech about the fall of mankind based on regulations, gay marriage, and serindipitious sentient cruise control, confesses to Hearts that even though he knows that all beings are just hanging out, somehow animals up and down societies fancy idea of a food chain usually end up in his mouth. King envisions Clyde meeting his food, which is raised in a space the size of an average bathroom and stands knee high in the foods own expelled fluids. Yada yada yada - Jesus Christ cries again - Stephen finally gets to the point already after 34 more pages, where he can almost put all the characters into a room to learn about each others worse fears in order to crescendo the thing. In the meantime everyone in the book gets some dinner, which is heated up and ready to go, and that takes up another 25 pages just for the seasonings alone.
edit See also
- Psychedelic clothes
copy to watch sometime: