User:Aleister in Chains/Neon
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Too Many Women Spoil The Broth is a 2008 suspense/horror book by my BFF, writer Stephen King. TMMSTB quickly won the coveted Client Knows Best Award (CKBA) of the Ultra Silly Workman of North America Society (USWONAS). IMNHO, SK won USWONAS' CKBA for TMMSTB ASAP.
Stephen King, with a distinct air of nonchalance and swagger, was walking home one day from an afternoon of daring-do, dodging cars, and outsprinting obese fans and lanky mailmen for the experience. Suddenly his boyhood hobby of looking into neighbor's windows paid off when he saw a beautiful well-dressed woman with a touch of backfat holding a record upright with her index finger. She was just about ready to accept a beer from an unseen companion. Instantly the plot for his next book formed complete in his mind, acknowledgements, copyright page, and tear sheet included!
And all he had to do was walk home and start up the laptop. He wrote the 985-page novel in 14 hours, named it "Don't Tell Tabhita" (later changed by the publisher to "Too Many Women Spoil The Broth"), went to the bathroom, e-mailed the book to his agent - who, awoken from a sound sleep, brokered a deal within ten minutes for a multi-million dollar advance just about the same time King was shooting two baked potatoes and a plate of brown rice, beans, and seasonings into the microwave - then caught an episode of Eastbound and Down while laughing himself hoarse.
We arrive quickly in Cumberland, Maine, a quaint sleepy town adopted from Washington Irving's raving days - days when things never jelled into more than ten things at once and the best of the bunch often pops in enough to enjoy it. It is 10 p.m. Enter Jonathan the narrator, John for short, or Joey the Jake if you prefer, who relates an idea which is meant to stir up the town a bit. To awaken it from its rural doldrums. With both the plot and the pot thickening, Stephen King's characters start to make their appearance.
edit The Queen of Hearts
"Dance me till I'm naked," she says when she is first introduced to the reader. Make yourself known to her and then stay well back of the first character to enter the plotline, the Queen of Hearts, until she invites you in. Man, just look at her! Either the townspeople are going in balls-up and jerrying the gelaton to a new level of experience and light for the Queen, or they are going to tar and feather her and run her out of town on a pail. The narrator goes in to take a quick look at her, and, satisfied, continues the plot.
So in "Don't Tell Tabhita" (later renamed "What's a Woman to Do?" before acquiring it's publication name of "Too Many Women Spoil The Broth") King presents the Queen of Hearts as being somehow transported, or time-traveled, or mixed up Buffy-style in all the dimensional brewing, into Cumberland, Maine, right into the middle of the town square dressed in her devil costume, with a child's park on one side and a chess pavilion on the other.
She doesn't know how she got there, or why she's there. She smiles wide, knowing that those are some of the best rides.
As Stephen King goes on and on for 70 pages, giving a cherry-coated cake and oaked-stained backstory to her popping-in and out and about those horns and pitchfork and what that tail's up to, he finally comes out of his usual forest for the trees which often could be a 75% shorter (you think?) and takes his position on the outside of the goal post. The narrator explains how Eden is really a land right here in Maine, a stretch of snowy holy ground where the Queen of Hearts (QOH to the faint of harp) travels lightly and plays well with strangers.
Then, in a plot twist to give readers the Eve Clybourn heebi-jebees.
edit Elmo, the lion-hearted councilman of Cumberland, Maine...
...comes out of the woodwork carrying sage and a wack-o-mole grin a mile wide. It seems King was envisioning an elf lord when suddenly a guy with ears shows up in Cumberland devoid of currency and clothing, just hanging around. What he got in exchange for this triumph was pretty much that, but with a chink in the armor: the admiring smile of the Queen of Hearts.
So all the townspeople are now confused and drawing syrup from the well, and King spends 125 more fuckin' pages telling the stories and adventures of the Elf Lord and QOHearts as they roam the land together, meeting even odder and more romantic characters counter-balanced every 20 or so pages with slimy things that live in sewers and grow spines and eat gristle, just to get a jostle and a slit-throat chuckle out of the readers in time to drag them back after the kicking and screaming to the romantic stuff and the dogging.
Finally, a Stephen King-week later, not to be confused with how humans count time, the readers meet the next character in this basically triad-leveled book: the righty radical.
edit Clyde who lives down the street
Clyde is the comic relief, and Hearts and Elmo end up as straight men (except for Hearts) to his ramblings. He is a racist but a kindly and jovial neighbor, blaming everyone for everything else. Clyde says things so extreme that by the second half of the book he becomes the spokesperson of the Republican National Committee, drafts much of the GOP platform, and nominates another bank drone. Jesus, Mary, and Joseph enter the book's narrative - we won't show them here, you know what they look like - and they start right in nagging on everybody. King's use of the Holy Family metaphorically engages them into conflict with the Queen and Clyde, since Elmo sits out the next 82 pages.
Clyde, in a bandana and ad-libbing a nutty speech about the fall of mankind based on regulations and serindipitious sentient cruise control, confesses to Hearts that even though he knows that all beings are just hanging out, somehow animals up and down societies fancy idea of a food chain usually end up in his mouth. Eventually he meets his food, which is raised in a space the size of an average bathroom and stands knee high in the foods own expelled fluids. Yada yada yada - Jesus Christ - Stephen finally gets to the point already after 34 more pages, where he can almost put all of his characters into a room to learn about each others worse fears in order to crescendo the thing. In the meantime everyone in the book gets some dinner, which is ready to go, and that takes up almost 25 more pages just for the seasonings alone.
edit See also
- Psychedelic clothes
copy to watch sometime: