User:Aleister in Chains/HowTo

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HowTo:Teach a six-legged lame man how to jump rope


When teaching a six-legged lame man how to jump rope the first consideration is the extent of the lameness and the length and speed of the rope. If the rope is too short or not spun with enough torque, the results could be disastrous. Legs and limbs and knocking over of the vases and drinks all over the place. So do it right or don't do it at all.

edit Step One:Find or create a six-legged lame man

You don't just walk out on the street and find one, they aren't falling out of the trees you know (and if they were what a hell of a world it would be). You either have to search the net or the newspaper archives to find a six-legged man (a woman won't do, because she'll balk at the x-rays). Then, when you find him and show up on his doorstep, make sure he's lame. You can hire a guy named Vinny for that job, or it's a doityourselfer, either or.

If in all your due diligence you cannot find a six-legged man, then you have to either find two three-legged men or three two-legged men. Strap them together, and lame them. Whistle while you work.

edit Step Two:Obtain a rope

You want your rope to be long enough to encircle the six-legged lame man but not too long or you're going to get too much slack in the middle. If it's not just the right length you may have to hire pro-twirlers, and who wants to spend that kind of dough? A tip: A good jump-rope is just long enough to rotate once per syllable of whatever rope-jumping song you're planning on using.

And remember, if the rope is too thin or too thick you may get some ropeburn on your six-legged lame man as it scrapes his arms, scalp, or rope-burn-slaps him across his neck.

edit Step Three:Hire some kids to twirl the rope

Use girls for this step, they seem to be naturals. Comes with the territory. Just grab a couple in the playground, flash some money, and explain the job. Don't be surprised if they bring along a nerd to vid the whole thing and it ends up on youtube.

edit Step Four:Now shove your six-legged lame man into the twirl

Shove him hard. And then there he is, in the middle, and the kids are twirling, and the legs are flopping like broken propellers every which way, and all the kids laugh and laugh, and you laugh and laugh, and nobody gets any work done the rest of the day.

A slower and more boring technique is to actually try to teach him something about jumping rope while six-legged and lame. Sit him down and diagram the moves he is expected to learn: The jump (some call it a hop), and the return to the ground due to gravity ( the pull of the earth, a.k.a. the hangman's friend). Being lame he will have to learn to live with pain, so teach him how to do that. Pain him, pain him for a long time and in various ways. Painkillers or cortisone shots may keep him hopping for awhile, but this is called "juicing" in the jumprope game, and is frowned upon by the more serious fifth-graders. Your SLL man will eventually get quite good at jumping rope, because practice makes perfect - or so my girlfriend hopes (I call her "The Optimist").

Then the game is afoot (or six foots), and you can enter him in competitions.

The End

HowTo:Hear a pin drop

Multitudes of people of every color and personality disorder are not able to hear a pin drop. This has been the case since the dawning of mankind. I don't care much about having to prove it to you, because I've dropped about fifty-plus pins since you started reading this and you haven't heard a damn thing.

So what do you want to do about it? Just lay back and "read" this article while waiting for the pasta water to boil? Or do you want to get busy hearing pins drop for Christ's sake. This lesson should fix what ails you.

Dropped about forty more there, FYI. Real quick too.

The Sound of One Pin Dropping

Nothing to it, you can hear the pin robustly when it's dropped from a great height onto wood or glass or even water. A legally-deaf bonobo can hear it for Christ's sake. But I'm talking about a pin dropped on carpet. And not that skinnything-Kiera Knightley-thin carpet either, but a good weave, machine quilted, with lots of soft thickness.

But let's answer the age old question: Can you hear a pin when it's properly dropped? Of course not! You'd have to be Superman or an anteater or something. Even Clint Eastwood, looooong before his speech to the GOP playing straightman to a chair, back when Eastwood was at the top of his game and heard a gun clicking into loading postion from a hundred yards downwind, he couldn't hear a properly dropped pin. It's not those pins you want to concern yourself with.

A properly dropped pin is like a mouse, or a toon freely tooning, which tend to play fast because of the length of their lives. They run so fast that you can't see them, mice and 'toons move and age so quickly that they're not even a blur. They can almost hear a properly dropped pin, and hearing anything louder than that is golden. Here's how primates do it:

One: Keep a good record of the events Most people don't pay attention to the sounds around them, so the brain has learned to filter almost all of them out. The brain will be distracted from its habitual and limited circle of things-it-usually-hears only by loud or unusual sounds or squeals (i.e. Elephant stampede). A pin dropping is usually low on this scale, somewhere down there with not-yet-'ems.

If you want to listen to more sounds - thus expanding your universe accordingly - just be quiet and listen. The most silent of bodily functions and lots of bird songs can be picked out from the background noise by remembering two axioms: Practice makes perfect, and practice, practice, practice. Yes, holy fuck, yes, I did just drop a pin. Some of you heard that. Others did not. WhyNot?

Two: Get off your butt and Clean out your ears!

Get off your butt. You know why? Your ears are stuffed with wax! Jesus Christ, yes, Jesus' ears were too. They were stuck with wax. Napolean had a hell of a time, and people as diverse as Sir Winston Churchill and the sister of the Third Emperor of China had thick layers of wax stuffed way up in their ears. You don't want that. You want your ears opened pretty much all the way up and really listening to your immediate universe. Not always of course - if you are concentrated on something really interesting, like stuff from the Large Hadron Collider or the Mars rover Curosity, you don't want to be distracted. But hearing comes in handy alot of the time, like when you're watching a movie, or the guy with the pizza is finally at the door, or you just happen to want to hear a fucking pin drop.

Get ready to rumble!!! Ear wax, begone, bannish thee from thou drum, and no longer darken thee confines. But never use a Q-Tip (or a cue tip). Let's shout this louder.


Just don't.

Liquor is quicker...

Or liquid, to be precise. Nice warm water, lay it into your ear and lay with it held towards the sky or ceiling for 15 minutes. Then empty it out, do the other ear, and then rinse them both out with one of those bubble-things that sucks up water and then squirts it out.


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