User:Aleister in Chains/911
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A page where I keep a few interesting things found on other pages
From a forum, Modus defines comedy writing:
...an Uncyclopedian's first edits always suck. They're fresh-faced and mostly sober, new in off the street, and they've never had to write comedy before. It takes practice, experience, and the steely resolve provided by the crushing and nihilism inducing weight of a life lived in failure before they can write goodly. I mean, expecting to be awesome right off the bat is like expecting to be a master juggler with no practice. It doesn't happen. If you think it does, you're only running headfirst up against the wall of disappointment. Which puts you a third of the way to being funny. (The other two steps are failure in love and failure in school or work. The fourth of the three steps is maintaining a childlike view of the world, full of whimsy and rainbows and ponies, and from that being able to find the humour in things that aren't necessarily funny. The fifth is learning how to analyse comedy and coming up with the joke without analysing comedy and killing the joke, which is tough to do. The sixth step is Southern Comfort. You'll understand when you're older)23:44, December 20, 2010 (UTC)
Deleted from Riker's talk page, some good links:
So... You insult the rest of Uncyclopedia(after coming here, making an account, and trolling, mind you), and think that we won't mock you? You obviously haven't seen what we do to other trolls like you. Prepare to be mocked by the community. If you have the balls to reply, post something on my talk page. And don't give me any of that "Say that to my face!" crap, because you know that none of us can do that. --Revolutionary, Anti-Bensonist, and TYATU Boss
Uncyclopedian Meganew (Chat) (Care for a peek at my work?) (SUCK IT, FROGGY!) 19:40, December 22, 2010 (UTC)
The best gif ever:
From a VFD page:
Handy Smurf (Gomphog) stole this off the internet, a short history lesson
Germany, Austria and Italy are standing together in the middle of a pub when Serbia bumps into Austria and spills Austria's pint. Austria demands Serbia buy it a complete new suit because there are splashes on its trouser leg. Germany expresses its support for Austria's point of view. Britain recommends that everyone calm down a bit. Serbia points out that it can't afford a whole suit, but offers to pay for the cleaning of Austria's trousers. Russia and Serbia look at Austria. Austria asks Serbia who it's looking at. Russia suggests that Austria should leave its little brother alone. Austria inquires as to whose army will assist Russia in compelling it to do so. Germany appeals to Britain that France has been looking at it, and that this is sufficiently out of order that Britain should not intervene. Britain replies that France can look at who it wants to, that Britain is looking at Germany too, and what is Germany going to do about it? Germany tells Russia to stop looking at Austria, or Germany will render Russia incapable of such action. Britain and France ask Germany whether it's looking at Belgium. Turkey and Germany go off into a corner and whisper. When they come back, Turkey makes a show of not looking at anyone. Germany rolls up its sleeves, looks at France, and punches Belgium. France and Britain punch Germany. Austria punches Russia. Germany punches Britain and France with one hand and Russia with the other. Russia throws a punch at Germany, but misses and nearly falls over. Japan calls over from the other side of the room that it's on Britain's side, but stays there. Italy surprises everyone by punching Austria. Australia punches Turkey, and gets punched back. There are no hard feelings because Britain made Australia do it. France gets thrown through a plate glass window, but gets back up and carries on fighting. Russia gets thrown through another one, gets knocked out, suffers brain damage, and wakes up with a complete personality change. Italy throws a punch at Austria and misses, but Austria falls over anyway. Italy raises both fists in the air and runs round the room chanting. America waits till Germany is about to fall over from sustained punching from Britain and France, then walks over and smashes it with a barstool, then pretends it won the fight all by itself. By now all the chairs are broken and the big mirror over the bar is shattered. Britain, France and America agree that Germany threw the first punch, so the whole thing is Germany's fault. While Germany is still unconscious, they go through its pockets, steal its wallet, and buy drinks for all their friends.
Odds and Ends of interest:
A beautiful conversation just dividing up what little is left after this team has covered the entire fucking Roman Empire:
edit Pan-Imperial Highway
Hi Zarbag. I recently started filling in the gap between the two blocks of Roman emperors. I remembered you wanted to write Claudius II. I will leave that page for you and any others you might want to add. --RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 07:32, October 30, 2012 (UTC)
- Cheers. Really happy that this is happening as the "gap" has long been bothering me. I'll gladly take Claudius II and maybe dig out my old hardback on the Augusti to see who else I fancy taking the piss out of. --Zarbag (talk) 18:59, November 1, 2012 (UTC)
- Thanks Zarbag. Mind the Gap....--RomArtus*Imperator ® (Orate) 07:57, November 2, 2012 (UTC)
A TKF note dropped somewhere:
- If discussions with hilariously dumb/nuts/oversensitive people is your cup of tea, then check out the former talk page of ex-user Ohadaloni. From there, go to the epic 2006 discussion of Forum:Asperger's Syndrome is no laughing matter. If that is too daunting, then check out the modern classic of Talk:Garfield#Notice. There's dozens more that I can't remember at the moment. -- 02:58, May 25, 2011 (UTC)
A list of Humor Theory reading material recommended on TheKillerFroggy's user page:
- Uncyclopedia:Red links are not bad
- User:The Woodburninator/RulesVsFunny
- User:Mrthejazz/It's not an in-joke
- User:Mrthejazz/On the relativity of "satire" and humor in general:
- Don’t some work
- User:Mrthejazz/On postmodernism, disagreements, and trolls:
- Wikipedia's 10 most vital pages
- Wikipedia's top 500 popular pages
- Wikipedia's 100 most vital pages
- Wikipedia's 1,000 most vital pages
- Wikipedia's 10,000(ish) most vital pages
Pup 02:17 14 Mar '12
From the start of Drunkenshark's user page. One of the cutest things on the site, I reckon:
edit You could not get enslaved more politely
Thank you kindly for offering your back to my whip
I'm a girl, english is not my first language so my grammar will be like pointy chopsticks to your eyes. I like adding pictures to some uncyclopedia pages. I could not be more concise.
A huffed page from VFD, some interesting content, may rewrite.
|This page is or discusses a loony and/or nutty conspiracy theory, which Uncyclopedia vehemently denies knowledge and existence of. The black helicopters are not ^on their way.|
“Bin Laden didn't blow up the projects; it was you, nigga, tell the truth, nigga.”
We all saw what the government wanted us to see: 19 so-called Islamic extremists hijacked several so-called commercial airliners and crashed them into the so-called World Trade Centers and caused them to do a so-called pancake collapse. But what about the things the government didn't want us to know. What did they not want us to know? There was no way a single airliner could crash into a building and cause the WTC collapse like it did. Then what caused the WTC to collapse? The answer: 300 liters of Pepsi cola and 2 tons of Mentos per tower. But if it was soda and candy, why wouldn't the government tell us what really happened? Why would the Pepsi extremist waste the resources crashing airliners if it wouldn't work? Why did President George W. Bush say that behind the conspiracy theories is a cult of evil that wants to rule the world?
edit The Motive
What would cause the esteemed United States Government to suddenly betray its 300 million citizens? A difficult question, but not one without an interesting answer. This answer is Halliburton, of course. As an active
Communist philosopher, I must place the blame solely on the Capitalist Corporation that I hate the most. Recently, a more in depth coverage proves that the Jews were solely responsible for 9/11. Undercover agent Borat Sagdev stated in a denial to airfaring"We most not travel by plane, the Jews could repeat their attack on 9/11". Other information that was declassified proves the use of an experimental Jewish Weapon was used in the destruction of the Twin Towers. The weapon, known only as The Death Star of David was linked to 9/11's happening. The weapon was kept hidden behind the darkside of the moon, raising other questions such as "I wonder if my remote is there as well". The actual destruction occurred at 8 o' clock A.M. on Septemper 10, 2001...during the period, a bullshit story of terror attacks on the US were thought up to tell the rest of the country. The true motive to the carnage was that there was no motive. The Death Star of David was received a text message from their neighbor Apollo 13 stating that they had left their headlights on. The Jewish Space station proceeded immediately to deactivate their beams, and unknowingly set the beams to Wambo, instantly destroying the two towers.
Halliburton is an oil company. Where do all oil companies get oil (other than Texas, which is too expensive, being a domestic source)? Chechynyoslavia. However, Halliburton was missing something, and that was a foreign oil source. Halliburton then devised an eeeeeeeeeeevil plan to have the United States sends its military to invade Chechynyoslavia. And it worked. Only they messed up and sent troops to Iraq instead because George W. Bush cannot read a map, and Saddam had tried to kill his father once before, so Bush Jr. made it personal. Lucky for Halliburton, Iraq had a large supply of oil, similar to that of Chechynyoslavia. So it worked out quite well. Good thing that Liberals in Congress at the time bought Bush Jr.'s BS story of Iraq having Weapons of Mass Destruction and voted for the bill to invade Iraq anyway. They are all incompetent buffoons, Congress and Bush Jr., voted into office by other incompetent buffoons, the American Citizens. I know this because I an a philosopher.
edit Dick Cheese
Dick Cheese was in fact born in Saudi Arabia to the same father as Osama Bin Laden. This man huffs kittens, and is the motive of every crime committed past January 56, 2001. His cousin Mayor McCheese runs New York that the WTC happened to have moved to on that particular year, so Mayor McCheese got his pal Ronald McDonald to do some wetwork fast food style and invent the Pepsi Mentos trick, so Dick Cheese could have his sockpuppets pull it off. All are members of the Skull and Bones Society at Harvard and Yale where all of them took business and law classes together, despite them being of different ages and from different nations.
The plan was to put charge explosives in the WTC to cause a pancake collapse which would cause mass panic and make everyone rush to IHOP because they heard the term pancake. The plan was to use this as an accuse to invade Iraq and Afghanistan and then Iran while the entire nation was scoffing down pancakes and dank coffee. This would cause Halliburton stock to go up. They would also make up fictional KSWBs to invade Iraq just to make sure no one will get tried of the 9/11 excuse. The American people being incompetent buffoons, bought the whole 9/11 and WMDs story. But I am a Philosopher and cannot be fooled!
edit The WTC
There is no way a tower can collapse like that! It collapsed symmetrically and in a sequence. Which shows the collapse to be nothing more then a very big pop machine explosion, thus making the mento-dispensing candy machines blow out too. Why do I know this? Because I'm a philosopher not an engineer!!!
“Uh hey retard they were designed to blow out all the candy during any malfunction when they were built, you can clearly see that in the picture.”
Well double dummy on you, that is another lie by the government. The safety features were disabled by Dick Cheese himself when he inspected the WTC on September 10, 2001 and used Hubba Bubba bubble gum to gum up the safety features, so his sockpuppets could cause a collapse one day later. I know all this because I am a philosopher and you aren't, so there!
The official report will till you that WTC7 collapsed by a fire that burned red hot with the jet fuel from some airliner that crashed into it, causing a smelting process that melted the building's supports. Have you ever heard of a building that collapsed just by fire? No! And there is one more thing:THERE'S NO FIRE!!
See it for yourself:
Rosie O'Donnell is a genius, she was right that "Fire does not melt steel." I think she ought to know that as the truth, because they wouldn't even let her on "The View" much less Television if she didn't tell the truth. Now if there was fire, you'd see smoke. What it looks like smoke?
“No, retard, that is the gas from the mentos-pepsi reaction, everyone knows that. It is really foam, lots and lots of foam.”
Trust me I am a philosopher, so I know this better than any engineer, and Rosie O'Donnel agrees with me, and she is like really really smart, and knows more about building collapses and fire and steel than any engineer.
edit The Pentagon
The Pentagon is a military base! A mere a commercial airliner (giant metal object filled with explosive jet fuel) couldn't cause a hole that big so it had to be a VERY VERY big bottle of overly-acidic soda!! It is a known fact that no commercial airliner has never been hi-jacked, let alone crash. Soda bottles however have a long history of blowing things up therefore any explosion must have been a big waste of soda. I am a Philosopher and I know this because I drink lots and lots of soda.
edit Why didn't the government plant WMD in Iraq?
The government did plant WMD in Iraq to justify the invasion. The problems are the UN Weapons inspectors like Hans Blick. Have you ever met one they can be really annoying! They completely missed the WMD evidence that the CIA planted to frame Saddam. It was Mustard Gas made from Mustard seeds, did you ever get Mustard in your eye? Well I did and it stings. Anyway Saddam acted fast and quickly ate 1,000 hot dogs and put the Mustard on them to hide the fact that he had WMDs, because he knew the CIA stopped sending him money to fight Iran, so he suspected some kind of setup. I know this because I am a Philosopher.
edit Who is Al-Qaeda?
All-Qaeda is not actually a terrorist organization like you would think of it. I'll tell what Al-Qaeda REALLY is. Haven't ever noticed the Al in both Al Gore and Al-Qadea's name and haven't you ever noticed Qadea sounded like Gayda! Al Gore is an environmentalist so this must mean that Al means Environmentalist so this means that Al-Qaeda is really just an organization environmentalist Arabic organization that Al Gore had connections to. Bush used Al-Qaeda as the antagonist in 9/11 to prevent Al Gore returning to politics. Because Bush knew that if Al Gore got elected, he'd do something like pass a law to fight global warming and it would ruin oil stocks like Halliburton, and then he and Dick Cheese would be working at Wal-Mart as store greeters. I know this because as a philosopher I had periods of unemployment that forced me to work as a Wal-Mart greeter.
edit What about flight 93
Flight 93 was just like Apollo 13. Try to make it look like everything didn't go exactly as planned to make it look better as a cover up. Except they couldn't afford a top star like Tom Hanks for the Flight 93 movie. I know this because I am a philosopher who watched Apollo 13 over 49 times.
It is widely believed that the Disney character of Goofy was the main perpetrator of the 9/11 attacks. His motive was stored up anger over many years with Mickey Mouse gaining world headlines...unlike his good friend Donald Duck, he kept his anger locked up inside until...9/11. He is also believed to be responsible for the Holocaust, the assassinations of JFK and Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. as well as Jill Dando.
From Tibetan monks to gorillas in Kenya, the word is spread!!!! America is traditionally enjoying a good thriller or two! And it was decided by Hollywood to make a hybrid Art, by combining Film and Reality scare shows like "scArE tactics". The corporate joint network proposal, for a "REAL" catastrophe show, was accepted with enthusiasm by many successful legislators and businessmen, like G. W. BUSH, Jesus Christ, THe POPE, THE pope, The Rockefellers, The Ladins, The Dukes, The IT, THE THING, The CIA-MI5-MI6-Mossad-Al Qaida-Charles Bronson-UNICEF-WWF-youtube-Jenna Jameson-Goofy UNION, and the Marx Brothers!
Problems arose when the shooting of the new reality game begun at 9:00 in the morning of 9-11-2001, innocent civilians, got so panicked by the flames devouring their bodies, that they were missing their camera angles. When later the whole issue got Investigated, by a blind Thai transsexual, it came apparent that Hollywood had signed contracts with the Government, for keeping the 9/11 show secret, so the storyline and realism were not affected.
The reception of the show from the audience was warm and constant. Apart from a small percent if viewers, that were disgusted by the death of so many people for a TV show, the majority of the viewers enjoyed the show thoroughly, and wrote letters of enthusiasm to the Network, asking for more such realistic and breath taking shows, no matter what the cost.
This directed the Joined Chiefs of Hollywood, to re-elect the Staring actor George Bush for the main role in the sequels as well. The thrilled Congress approved a $ 30.000.000.000.000.000, that was used for the production of 4 more shows, "Illusive Iraqi WMD's II", "The Epic of Osama", the oskar winner "Bloodsucking Joyous Rockerfellers!" and finally the reality splatter musical "The Sheep-people of planet Terror". Many minor productions like "The war on Trevor" and "Truth is Dead Long Ago" were also carried out through private funding. Many other countries were thrilled of the new Reality Show Franchise, and pursued their own National slaughter shows, by blowing up trains, buses, and chocolate eggs all over Europe with the cooperation of covert CIA chaos experts from Hollywood.
Islam was not thrilled by the new blockbuster series, and preferred to Air "Jack Bauer the Great" instead!
The Bush administration (and ONLY the Bush administration) caused 9/11, and probably not Islamic extremist beca...But mom I'm telling the world what really happened...Ok I'll do my homework first, Oy Veh!.
“I think you mean 93. every one knows that crashed because the pilots were drunk and the stewardesses were giving them lap dances. duhhhhh!”
Nope it was 92, 93 was the fake flight that didn't even exist. Every single passenger on flight 93 didn't exist, because they were all sockpuppets controlled by Dick Cheese while he took control of NORAD and shut down the RADAR and SDI Star Wars defense system that could have shot down that flight that didn't exist because SDI doesn't exist either. When George Bush made the announcement that it was flight 92 and not 93, it had shocked the world because flight 92 actually did exist and the people survived. So the CIA had to send in sharks with frigging lasers mounted on their heads to assassinate the people from flight 92, whose only crime was that they partied too much and got lapdances from the stewardesses because it was actually part of the "Pimp my Passenger Airliner" program on BET. The sharks did not leave any evidences, and Dick Cheese had to throw junk from a junkyard all over the area to make it look like a plane crash. How do I know all of this? Because I have three PHDs, a PHD in Engineering, a PHD in Aviation, and a PHD in Conspiracies, all of which I legally bought from some Internet web site that had a buy one get two free sale that day. I can remember it because I just turned 19, and dropped out of a real college because it was either too hard or I was too damn lazy, I forget which. Anyway I am also a philosopher, and also an admin at Wikipedia so I have a good history of writing things that are true.
The only thing that is certain is that I had nothing to do with it, because I am a philosopher and don't work for Bush. (In fact at this moment, I am not working at all, so I have no biases and you can trust me.)
edit See Also
- New World Order
- Dick Cheney (violent thug responsible for the Pentagon missile)
- Richard Perle ("Prince of Darkness" himself, getting warmer)
- Zionism (you're kidding, right?)
- Michael Moore
- Protocols of the Elders of Zion (The usual suspects)
- Moon hoax the government has lied to us like this before (see Eric Hufschmid.net for more info on both of these subjects)
- Loose Change The conspiracy to take our money from RIGHT UNDER OUR NOSES! (SERIOUSLY!, Karl Schwarz and Deberah Simon are both sneaky rascals aren't they?)
edit External Links
- Definitive presentation of human stupidity (at its most tragic, buckle-up!)
The coding of the article Gradients: