User:Aleister in Chains/1
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
The North-South Pole War, also known as The Cold War, began on August 2,1990, when two B-52 bombers under the command of the great penquin commander, Sri Mumble, led a bombing campaign in the North Pole region near Santa's house and workshop. During this surprise attack by the Communist South Pole penguins, Santa's house was heavily damaged, and 15 Polar Bears, 10 children, and dozens of elves lost their lives.
This meant war!
edit Surprise attack
Santa was on vacation and luckily survived the attack. Upon being informed of the bombing he returned from his and Mrs. Claus' annual vacation in Miami, and formally declared war on the Communist Republic of the South Pole. In response to the surprise "Santa's House Attacks" 2,100 polar Bear troops were sent to Antarctica. Polar bears attacked 28 bases on the shores of the arctic region. 54,880 penguinist troops died in the attack along with 17 Polarist troops.
Santa then announced to his country that they were in war. He and his war council immediately passed the Polar Patriot Act, designed to quell any internal disputes and prevent any intelligence leaks or turncoat activity within the area of the North Pole itself.
edit Year 1: The Beginning of the War 1991
Santa tried to reach out to develop a coaltion of the willing, and sent telegrams and elf envoys to the United Nations, to schoolchildren everywhere, and to the Keebler people. But no one outside of the polar regions was interested, as the world's populations and media were focused on the gulf war between the United States and the BP oil company. Santa and his troops were told that they would have to fight this one themselves.
The remaining Polar bear troops at the South Pole pushed forward toward the capital until they found a field of glacier-mines. Polar Bear after polar bear began to explode. White fur and black nose flew everywhere. By the time the bears had retreated away from the mine field several hundred of them lay dead or wounded. The killing field looked like masses of large, bloody Hostess Snow Balls (although some historians later compared the scene to a slaughter of snowmen doused in red paint).
The North lost large amounts of military equipment nearly crippling their forces in the south arctic region. Some M48 Patton Tanks were destroyed, and a few Cargo planes were shot down by penguinist Fairchild AC-119G Shadow Gunships. Large amounts of artillery was lost forcing the Polar Bears to retreat back to the shore to wait for reinforcements. After the devastating loss Santa sent exactly 9,000 more troops to Antarctica.
Santa was losing the war and the people of the North pole began to question if he had what it took to run the war. Citizens and other politicians criticised his job and recommended taking a new front. As the war at home began Northern troops continued to get attacked by multiple bombings. The South then sent more troops to the shore of Antarctica. Penguinists even blockaded their own country to prevent any troops from escaping or entering the region. The Blockade was successful at first until Santa finally sent an Air Force into the War which attacked the blockade. Operation Escape route was to weaken the blockade enough for the troops to retreat back to the North pole. and reorganize themselves.After 43 days of fighting the operation was a success but at the cost of 3,824 polar bear lives. The War in Antarctica only lasted a year until their was a brief pause in the war where the fighting suddenly stopped.
edit Year 2: The Invasion of the North pole 1992
The Communist had finally fought the Polarist Forces out of their country and were ready to do a full invasion of the North pole after only a Month of recovering. The Northern military was still hurt badly and could barely defend their own country. In 1992 communist forces invaded the country with ease. After only 20 days of fighting the communist forces had reached Santa's House and captured him. By July 14th the Penguins had full control of the region and had sentenced Santa to death by suffocation. Things went very well through out the year and the penguinist had believed the war was over with communist victory.
edit Assassination attempt on Santa
On December 23, 1992, the Elves workshop was the scene of a failed assassination attempt on Santa.
Claus escaped out a side door when the assassin, a 12-year old girl pretending she was a tourist, stepped on a rubber land-mine dog toy, which emitted an ominous squeak. This alerted the head elf, who, quickly taking in the situation, pushed Santa towards the sidedoor and then turned bravely to face the attacker.
edit Year 3: The Insurgency 1993
By 1993 the world was involved in Somalia and still no one had know about the recent invasion and fall of the Republic of the North Pole. Yet within the country as it was still being occupied by penguinist forces, citizens were secretly forming an insurgency to fight off the penguins. The penguins had been known to torture civilians for fun. Insurgents carried out successful bombings of Penguin military bases formed in the country along with assassinating communist generals. In December, communist forces carried out a mass genocide, killing almost every civilian in the area. As soon as it began people directly connected to the insurgency hide themselves for one whole year preparing for an all out government take over.
edit Year 4: Seeking out the Insurgency 1994-1997
During this year the penguinists dedicated themselves to hunting down the insurgency. In time the penguins ended the insurgency, and claimed victory over the region by 1997.