User:Ahadwick/Brandenburg Gate

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Brandenburggate

The Gate as it stands today with a winged Hitler riding a chariot and the two Hasselhoffs, note how they both face towards the East to ward away the evil spirit of communism and so Hitler's statue can check out his totally buff arse

The Brandenburg Gate was designed as a counterpart to the Battenberg Gate which is located in the cake making district of Berlin. Although the Brandenburg Cake was a failure the gate remains as testament to the lunacy of the bakery based products mad King of Prussia, Freddy 'Cake Fingers' William II. Originally made out of pure sponge, jam, gherkins and LSD (the ingredients of the Brandenburg, hence its failure) the gate remained unstable in the first few years of its life, in which time it was rebuilt 142.5 times and led to over 3,280 deaths, either through excessive consumption, choking, drug induced madness or being mistaken for the cake and gorged upon by ravening eagles and hobos, or winged hobos. After King Freddie's death from being torn apart by winged hobos the Gate was constructed in stone as a memorial and has since become a cultural landmark.


Famous Incidents

Adolf Hitler loved the gate and took it everywhere with him to celebrate his victories and the chariot on top was originally added so Hitler could ride the gate to the one of his many charitable works or rap gigs. Hitler is now enshrined as a winged angel riding the glorious German nation like his a rough sugar daddy rides an unwieldy bitch. Tradition holds that every year on 3rd May whilst all Berliners sing the Horst Kessel intrepid climbers attempt to climb the gate and give statue Hitler offerings of various sweet and savoury baked items. If the Hitler statue cries 'süß!' all savoury offerers are put to death and the sweet bakery offerers have 30 seconds to remember and win as much Hitler memorabilia on the famous Generation Game conveyor belt as possible and if Hitler cries Bohnenkraut then roles are reversed. Jim Davidson as the most fervent Nazi yet left on earth presides over this contest.

It became a symbol of the Cold War as it was frozen in a solid block cranberry juice to prevent traitorous capitalists to pass into East Germany. Famously Ronald Reagan made his speech to repaint the Berlin Wall at the Gate before attempting to smash the gate down with his bare fists before succumbing to various psychological ailments and becoming condemned with Margaret Thatcher. It was not until David Hasselhoff forced West German's to attempt to escape to the East thus causing the poor structural workmanship of the wall to collapse. In the ensuing chaos the terrible effects of Hasselhoff's singing caused the Gate to be heavily damaged, although this is a price worth paying for freedom. In the Hoff's memory the Gate is now dedicated to him with two statues of the Hoff. It is said that if the Hoff's should ever fall then a re-remake of Knight Rider will occur and be so terrible as to end time and space.

Brandenburg Gate OLD

The damage done by David Hasselhoff's concert


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