User:Un-Aethix/UnScripts:Attack of the Cyber-Terrorists
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Until then, neither Uncyclopedia nor the original author of this article condone racism in any form.
Two shadowy figures sit in a room full of computers and servers that bleep randomly. Flashes of little colored lights reflect off of their oversized glasses as they formulate their evil plot.
Shadowy Figure #1: S0 wat d0 u wanna d0 2day?
Shadowy Figure #2: IDK, wat d0 u wanna d0?
Shadowy Figure #1: Wanna tak3 0v3r t3h w0r1dz?
Shadowy Figure #2: IDK...
Shadowy Figure #1: C0m3 0n, it'11 b t3h pwnz0rz!
Shadowy Figure #2: W3 r s0 t0ta11y 1337! LOL!
Shadowy Figure #1: S0 wat's t3h planz?
Shadowy Figure #2: IDK.
Shadowy Figure #1: I haz id3az!
Shadowy Figure #2: T311 m3!
Shadowy Figure #1: u kn0w h0w there r lotz 0f Starbucks c0ff33 sh0ps 3v3rywh3r3?
Shadowy Figure #2: Y3ah? Th3y'r3 a11 0v3r t3h plac3. 1ik3, 3v3ry 0th3r bui1ding iz a Starbucks!
Shadowy Figure #1: Y3ah. S0, h3h3's t3h planz. (whispering) spsspspsstspspsspss.
Shadowy Figure #2: "spspssspsspstpstpspsps"? IDK wat that m3anz.
Shadowy Figure #1: N0! N0t "spspssspsspstpstpspsps", i said "spsspspsstspspsspss".
Shadowy Figure #2: 0h! "spsspspsstspspsspss"! That. That's s0 t0ta11y t3h pwnzorz! (evilly) Mwahahahahahaha!!1!
Shadowy Figure #1: (even more evilly) LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!11!!!1one!!111!
Shadowy Figure #2: T0nightz, w3 c0mm3nc3 0p3rati0n "Starbucks Warz"!
Shadowy Figure #1 and Shadowy Figure #2 evilly LOL some more as the screen fades to black.
Attack of the Cyber-Terrorists: Episode IV--Starbucks Warz
Two NSA agents sit at a local Seattle's Best Coffee, right across the steet from a local Starbucks. Both are obese and wearing bad suits. Agent Brown, an African American, thoughtfully drinks his coffee while on the alert for trouble. His partner, Agent White, spends his break leering at two blond co-eds sitting at a neighboring table.
Agent White: Hey, Agent Brown.
Agent Brown: Yes?
Agent White: Can I ask you something?
Agent Brown: Sure.
Agent White: Why is that you're the contemplative, vigilant good agent while I'm the pervy moron?
Agent Brown: Because if it were the other way around, and I were the pervy moron, that would be racist.
Agent White: Why?
Agent Brown: Because that's the way things work in Hollywood.
Agent White: I hate Hollywood. They make me look bad.
Agent Brown: You make yourself look bad. Right now you're having misogynistic views toward those young womyn. You wouldn't want to end up back in... (pauses for dramatic effect) sensitivity training. (scary music plays, and Agent White screams like a little girl.)
Agent White: (shrilly) I won't go back! Never!
Agent Brown: Calm down man! You're making a scene.
Agent White: Fuck you, [racially explicit expletive]! (Everyone in the coffee shop gasps and faints)
Agent Brown: Aw, man! Now you've done it! You just this movie an "R" rating!
Agent White: Oooooh! Does that mean we'll get to see boobies?
Five Minutes Later: In the Street
Agent Brown: (Exasperated) Great. Now you've gotten us kicked out of our coffeeshop. Where are we going spend our breaks now?
Agent White: There's a Starbucks right across the street.
Agent Brown: We can't afford Starbucks on our shitty government salaries!
Agent White: Oh yeah. Damn our shitty government salaries!
(Suddenly, screams erupt from the Starbucks across the street. Agents Brown and White cross the street and enter the Starbucks. Suddenly, screams erupt from the Starbucks on the side of the street they were just on.)
Agent White: Alright! Let's split up! You take this one and I'll take the one on the side of the street we were just on!
Agent Brown: No way man! Don't you see those mindless zombies over there? (points to the interior of the Starbucks. It is filled with mindless zombies) Haven't you seen what happens to people who split up in zombie movies?
Agent White: You're right! (panting) Besides, I'm tired. I can't run anymore. (A mindless zombie lurches toward Agent White. Agent White screams like a little girl and
runs waddles away.)
Agent Brown: I've had it with these motherfucking mindless zombies in this motherfucking Starbucks! (draws his weapon and fires.)
Agent White: Wait! Don't hurt them! These are real people! They have families! They have husbands and wives! They have children! They have mistresses! (looks at scattered bodies of former mindless zombies.) Do you think that was good enough to get me out of sensitivity training?
Agent Brown: Good Lord! There's another mindless zombie behind the cash register!
Mindless Zombie Behind the Cash Register: Welcome to Starbucks. How may I help you? Give me your money.
Agent White: Wait! He's not a mindless zombie! He is a lazy high school student who has lost his soul to the years of his part time job working behind the cash register!
Agent Brown: So he is a mindless zombie! However, he is a tolerable mindless zombie!
Tolerable Mindless Zombie: Okay, dude. Are you gonna, like, order something or not?
Agent White: We are agents White and Brown from the NSA. (flashes his badge, drops his wallet, and stoops down to pick it up.)
Agent Brown: There must have been some kind of top-secret, evil mind-control drug in the ridiculously overpriced coffee! We were not affected by the zombification because we cannot afford such ridiculously overpriced coffee on our shitty government salaries!
Agent White: You're right, Agent Brown! (to the kid working the cash register) Young man, show us your list of ingredients!
Young Man: Okay, Agent Brown.
Agent White: I'm Agent White! What, do you think that the black guy has to be named White and the the white guy has to be named brown for some kind of ironic running gag? What, are you some kind of motherfucking comedian?
Motherfucking Comedian: No, man. That's just how all the other black and white pairs are named.
Agent White: Aha! So you're a sterotyper! Typical dumb teenager!
Stereotyper/Typical Dumb Teenager: Look, man, do you want me to show you the ingredients or not?
Man: Fine, but hurry up! Your racistness disgusts me!
Guy with Racistness: You gotta, like, come back here. It's all, like, digital. We, like, get all our new coffee recipes over the internet. It's, like, far out, man.
Agent Brown: Lead the way!