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Who knew The Onion® had a retarded stepbrother?
Monday, August 31, 2015, 13:51:UTC)(
10 July 2009
Mary-Jane caught with pot
Known for her ability to cause increased enjoyment of absolutely everything, Mary-Jane is famous for her appearance in approximately 195 countries throughout the world. Many fans have commented on her ability to make them laugh with her slapstick sense of humor, by saying stuff like "Dude that’s fucking funny maaaan," or "Hahahahahaahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha- hahahaha - haha." One young man with long hair even said, "Oh man, I can’t stop laughing, you fell! Hahahahahaha."
Mary-Jane has also starred in over 60 films (most of them comedies) and has acted as the same character (A harmless, green, smokable plant) in all of these films, however the characteristics of her character have varied in personality, from Labrador flavoured spliff (as seen in one of the Cheech & Chong scenes) to pineapple express (as seen in one of her later movies.) Her film career first kicked off in 1936 when she gained the lead role in the movie, Reefer Madness, an exploitation film that inspired Mary-Jane's decision to move into the comedy genre, because of the initial depression she suffered from acting in such a dramatic film. Since then Mary-Jane has grown enormously in popularity, and continues to entertain the world to this day.
According to eye witnesses, Mary-Jane was seen at New York City restaurant/club, Lotus on Friday night, where she was entertaining other famous people such as rap star, Snoop Dogg earlier that evening. "You know. We were just having a good, chilled time, cookin n bakin n stuff, when them po-po's busted up the party by taking my stash away. Mannnnn. Why the law always godda interfere dawg," said a rather tired looking Snoop when questioned about the incident by journalists.
While some argue that the arrest made by police was unjust, others confirm that Mary-Jane was in fact carrying around a pot at the time of her arrest, whether it was made of steel or pottery, no one is able to confirm as authorities have not released the details yet. Mary-Jane claimed that the pot was being used as a cooking utensil. Officials, however are not convinced. "There’s no fooling us," said Lieutenant Smith, a police officer from New York who initially made the arrest. "If she was using that pot for cooking, then my name is Stephanie, because I am pretty sure that I saw her standing inside the pot while it was full of sand."
Fans across the globe are outraged by the arrest, and are pleading for Mary-Jane's release, going on colorful marches, holding green, yellow and red flags and shouting things like "Legalize it!" Certain, European countries such as Holland however are remaining quite indifferent to the situation.
Mary-Jane's trial is due to start in September some time and should last anywhere between 2 and 10 years as all celebrity trials do. All we can do now is wait patiently, watch some Sponge-Bong Hemp-Pants and perhaps spark another owl.
|This article features first-hand journalism by an UnNews correspondent.|