"What happened to the signpost?" was the question on literally nobody's lips this week, as Uncyclopedia's favourite newspaper which everyone loves to read but no-one can be bothered to write for took another step on the long slow descent to obscurity. Unfortunately Fortunately, Uncyclopedia's premier Ape-based entertainer, and occasional UnSignpost writer, An Ape that Only Exists on Thursdays heroically stepped into the breach to save the flagging newsrag from going the way of the dodo, the Irish Elk, and Mhaille's marriage.
However, our intrepid hero, i.e. me, soon discovered the enormity of the task that lay ahead of him. Boxes had to be filled, interesting and thought-provoking forums had to be discovered and linked to, block logs had to be accessed and trawled for witty comments (unsuccessfully, as it turned out) and this article and presumably another one below it had to be written.
"I never thought it could be this hard," Ape told himself, with sexual innuendo very much intended. "How did Gerrycheevers keep finding stuff to write about? There doesn't really seem to be much happening around here. I mean, I could start whoring my newest articles under the flimsy guise of self-referential irony, but that would be shit really. Who wants to see that? Nobody, that's who."
However, in the absence of anything funny or clever to say, our hero, (who is gradually being revealed to be more of an anti-hero, like Alex in A Clockwork Orange, except with no sense of style) proceeded to do exactly that, shamelessly whoring two articles (which, if anything, evince his decline as a comedy writer), eliciting a universal chorus of groans and boos from all who had the misfortune to read it.
Seriously guys, if you don't want any more shitty issues like this I'm going to need help, or else the signpost is going to die like all the other well-intentioned projects that nobody bothers with. What we need is:
People to do interesting stuff that I can write about.
23:23, September 1, 2009 Roman Dog Bird (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 2 weeks (THat FAG JUST WOULDN`T STOP SUCKING MY COCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!)
13:08, September 1, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 188.8.131.52 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (blanking a WCW article? do you know how much of a moron that flags you up as?)
08:32, September 2, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a minor existential crisis (wait, so we DON'T care about people's gay friends? but I thought that was the whole POINT. what's the use in anything any more? I'm so disillusioned)
09:13, September 2, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a debate (Are you gay then? You seem gay to me. Not that there's anything wrong with it. Unless you sleep with Orian. Do you? Are you gay then?)
09:26, September 2, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a riposte (no wai, im not ghey, ive had lodes and lodes of chix. ur just jelus bcos ur mum's ghey. and ur dad. yeah, you herd, their both teh gheyz!)
21:09, September 1, 2009 Mhaille (Talk | contribs) blocked 184.108.40.206 (Talk) with an expiry time of 6 months (well fuck off then, wanker)
Biopic of the Week
Can't be fucked with this.
Old School Featured Article of The Week
Pot v. Kettle was a landmark case in USA history, giving people the right to make hypocritical statements without fear of retribution. It began as a civil rights case, as Kettle alleged that Pot "did not let [Kettle] work at the Pot's store solely for the color of [his] kitchenware". What made this Supreme Court case unique was the fact that the Pot himself was black, as was the Kettle.
Remember when Gerry was here? Things were so much better back then.
This was a mistake; it's apparently "doom", not "death". Tragic nomenclature accident. Move along, move along.
At 4:58 PM, salad forks discombobulated a blow-up doll. While racket was navigating, a hairball suddenly eaten. Originality is the art of concealing your sources. Bertrand Russell sells age! Shaman announces an electron! HOCKEY'CHOLERA IS FUN!'! On the other hand, jackal announces ladles!
Look, I'm not saying he wasn't good at baseball! I'm not trying to destroy your great baseball heroes. But let's not kid ourselves here. Babe Ruth was a complete and total bitch. Come on. He couldn't catch the ball. And he whined at the umpires when people called him fat (even though he totally was). And he always talked about how much his feelings were hurt by people trying to buy him a beer.
Due to frequent lack of interest and excitement, this UnSignpost issue has now gone totally insa-AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!! Genital wart in the left politician! BOMB IRAN! HEIL CAJEK! boycott </noinclude>. Kittenolivian</noinclude>.
09:47, August 30, 2009 Mordillo protected "WP:HOTCAT" [edit=sysop] (indefinite) [move=sysop] (indefinite) (there, no more redlinks) (hist)
10:22, August 22, 2009 Thekillerfroggy blocked Miley Spears with an expiry time of Judgement Day (pointlessly productive, dedicated user)
Random Biopic of the Week
The man, the myth, the user not many people really know. Random pipings was an active user way back in March 2006. Sure, he only had 46 edits. Sure, during his heyday in March, 2006 he only had 32 edits, which most of our more accomplished users can rack up in half an hour. And yes, only 3 of his 6 articles are stillaround, including the critically acclaimedHealth. But, in spite of all that, he has a place in our great wiki here. Because even though he's not around, and his articles are not beloved, everyone can find a niche here, and that's exactly what Random pipings has done. I mean, how many other great men could have made a "Your mom", "Oscar Wilde", and "David Hasslehoff" joke in one fell swoop? Not many I say, and for that, Random pipings, we salute you. Here's to the little guy. Huzzah!
Seriously though, where would you be without me? Would drama ever be the same again? It's so very simple. The great monster rises from the water and pauses dramatically while shimmering in the moonlight. He slowly looks into the camera and utters a deep resonating scream that encompasses all our deepest fears. Spotlights search the dark horizon to find his massive hulk of reptilian glory a mere kilometer from the heart of the great industrial city. Slowly, the great beast steps onto dry land and his rein of terror begins. Buildings crumble before him as he appears to be endlessly searching for something. Something to appease unknown demonic desires as yet to be defined. Of course, it's really just an act. The confused searching thing gets em' all nervous, that's for sure. The bottom line is simple. Please don't use atomic weapons, OK? Your vote for Godzilla vs. Vaginus is a step in the right direction and hopefully some measure of your mammalian guilt will be relieved. Thank you so much. ;-) xxx Gojira
I try to make my spam as palatable as possible. Enjoy it's nutty flavor and thanks for the vote!-- 21:03, September 11, 2009 (UTC)
As the French version of the musical says: À la grande misère du peuple Et à l'absence de la joie Remplis ton cœur d'un vin très triste Et à demain, ami désolé. Nous voulons faire la guerre Contre notre gouvernement Pour illuminer notre terre Malgré que probablement nous mourrons en faisant cela parce que nous ne pourrons jamais être heureux puisque cette intrigue se fixe sur la misère incessante qui vient de l'injustice sociale dont nous souffrons These thank-you templates get harder to write every time, don't they? Really, it's quite a miserable predicament.
Star Wars sequel announced, may contain disturbing twists
The controversial 2010 remake of Star Wars will have a sequel. This unpopular move was sparked after the remake was voted #1 for August 2009 by Uncyclopedia. "We felt we may as well use the freedom given to us when we virtually wiped out 33 years' worth of continuity," said co-producer and co-director George Lucas, all the while taunting the editors at Wookieepedia. Most reaction has been decidedly negative, with critics saying that "Lucas will most certainly take cues from the Devil himself" and that "he will most certainly manage to do what he did with the last film—make us regret being Star Wars fans."
Thanks for the Top 3 of August vote! SirMacManiaGUN—[20:47 16 Sep 2009]
This week, noted user Electrified mocha chinchilla got a short but somewhat hostile reply from the lackluster Wikimedia Foundation. After telling truths to the company such as taking control over Wikipedia and how Uncyclopedia is 104% fact, a Wikipedia Foundation employee under the subtle disguise "Philippe XXXXXX" replied in a manner that was both honorable and robust. Confounded by the foundation's kindness, e|m|c quickly replied with a rebuttal seeming more like a terrorist threat like a thank-you note. Even though Uncyclopedia has not managed to even get off Wikia's back, someusers have a bright, world domination-esque outlook to the future.
Week One of the UFFL season was full of thrills, spills, birth control pills, and shitty rhymes. The John Curry All-Stars bested The Oklahoma City Storm 93.08 – 74.54 after a sub-par performance from offensive giants Larry Fitzgerald and Michael Turner on the Storm side, not to mention the controversial decision to sit starting quarterback and country singer enthusiast Tony Romo. The appropriately-named Dudes edged Cheddar’s Doritians 98.42 – 96.06, despite the fact that Dudes manager Frank Zappa was high the entirety of the game. Injuries to key Doritian players Donovan McNabb and LaDainian Tomlinson made the loss extra-hard to swallow. The not-so-domestic Domestic Team Name blew out DiBiase’s Millions 112.82 – 67.16—a loss which caused Millions’ manager Woody Onfire to question the not-sucking-ness of his team publicly. Finally, Sternensteinenstine annihilated the ironically-named Winnerz 123.92 – 0.00 after Winnerz manager Al Davis forgot to edit his team’s starting roster for the week. The lop-sided German victory was aided by a career day from Saints’ quarterback Drew Brees and round-the-clock Luftwaffe air cover in conjunction with concentrated armored thrusts at the enemy’s flanks.
Lead Editor Returns to UnSignpost Office, Demands to Know Whereabouts of Bundt Cake
This week Active Lead UnSignpost editor Gerrycheevers stumbled back onto the Uncyclopedia scene amid much celebration and hooplah. While settling down to his usual routine of getting UnSignpost issues polished off stylishly late, he noticed that his office at the UnSignpost wing of Uncyclopedia had been raided, and his delicious bundt cake had been mercilessly stolen. Gerry immediately declared a halt to the UnSignpost presses, which involved Sockpuppet of an unregistered user using several pints of holy water and a rubber chicken, in order to plea for the safe return of his tasty cake. Please, mystery pastry thief, don't leave Mr. Cheevers cakeless and hungry!
08:15, September 11, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Klauston (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 day (well now, it seems I CAN be assed to ban page blanking fucktards. who'd'a thunk it?)
15:45, September 14, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 220.127.116.11 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (Blanker: Go blank yourself! Hah! Do you see what I did there? I'm a font of wit.)
23:08, September 17, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 18.104.22.168 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Hades was a giant homo who got his shit owned by Hercules, and the only thing you and he will ever have in common is your colossal failure.)
Humosexuals are individuals who compulsively tell jokes in an effort to engage in the physical act of love. Oftentimes the subject of scorn and the object of violent hunting games in Medieval England, humosexuals have begun to make a name for themselves in contemporary society. Benny Hill (pictured) was perhaps the most famous humosexual, as his antics involving the combination of small vegetables, projectile physics, and the cleavage of buxom females were well recorded.
Thanks for the nomination. Glad you liked it. --Sog1970 18:47, September 24, 2009 (UTC)
Youre very welcome and keep them awesome articles comming! :) SirACROLOKUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 20:32, September 24, 2009 (UTC)
Necropaxx would very much like to thank you for uncovering who the realmurderer was. "If not for your 'elp, mon ami, I fear zat Monsieur Murderer might 'ave escaped." Double thanks for making this my tenth feature! Woo!
This week, the hideously long UnSignpost subscription list was hacked down even further than The Woodburninator and others apparently hacked it down several months ago. This has resulted in a mass decline in the number of useless edits performed by paperbots and brave, bored souls who have nothing better to do than manually edit dozens of userpages on a weekly basis. The dregs that were cast off included those who have not registered an edit in six months, those who are permanently banned or close to it, and those with large, scary dogs that prevent paperbots from completing their routes unchewed.
The remaining faithful readers are asked to archive their talk pages if they are excessively long due to many hilarious editions of the UnSignpost, as paperbots are slowed down by the large load times of such pages, and paper-delivering users are likely to be distracted by uproarious back issues. Subscribers are also reminded that the monthly fee for talkpage delivery is seven Uncyclopedia credits. Extremely outdated Uncyclopedia currency, such as Yoinxx, will be subject to exceedingly unfair conversion rates. On a final note, readers are implored to avoid tipping paperbots, as it seems any sort of regular income tends to give robots inklings of sentience, and the last thing we need is Fnoodle organizing the paperbots into a rudimentary union again.
16:19, September 20, 2009 Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) blocked 22.214.171.124 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Stop being a pain in my tender place)
18:52, September 21, 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked Arse bandit (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 6 months (Your ban time is six months. I'll give you 10 dollars if you can hold your breath the entire time.)
14:53, September 22, 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 126.96.36.199 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (oi, no blanking, no stupid redirecting, no crappy pages about people we don't care about, and no ugly nerds. you fail on all counts.)
11:57, September 24, 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Abdul321 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 1 week (Lebanon is a little Kiosk between Israel and Syria. Get over it.)
Henchmen are an essential part of any mastermind super-villian's overall business portfolio. Generally, success in plans of world domination, protagonist death, and damsel distress have success ratios directly correlated to the number, competence, and, to a lesser extent, wardrobe snappiness of a bad guy's henchmen.
Pointless Nostalgia of the Week
We miss when Cajek and Skull would write for the UnSignpost. Those 4+ issues they churned out were golden. You'd be reading and then - all of a sudden - WHAM, a joke would hit you, and Cajek would be all like, "oh my god, it was so dark, and i didn't see him, and he just jumped out in front of me!"
Really Small Box That Takes Up Just Enough Space To Even Out Both Sides of This Issue of the UnSignpost of the Week, Because Symmetry Looks Nice