your next prescription of Cheerios (avenasativa) tablets. Offer valid only in California. Offer applies only with a doctor's consent and prescription. Thank you for voting for the featuring of Cheerios. Your support is much appreciated. Discount available only before time on signature. Therefore discount is void everywhere. Sorry. SirMacManiaGUN— 15:56, 7 August 2009 (UTC)
Thank you for voting. SirMacManiaGUN— 16:13, 7 August 2009 (UTC)
edit UnSignpost! August 6th, 2009!! WE BE LATE, Y'ALL!!!
This week, Uncyclopedia's benign evil overlords, Wikia, shuffled the advertising layout on our fine website. Previously, the left sidebar contained just one Wikia spotlight. These spotlights are not advertisements as much as they are a way to whore Wikia and increase its position in some sort of Google rankings, since the links from the banner ads go from Wikia-hosted Uncyclopedia to Google and back to Wikia-hosted wikis on such relevant topics to users who are on a satire wiki as the Burnout Wiki and the Harry Potter wiki. These Google rankings are actually a series of thousands of monkeys at Google headquarters, who move beads around on giant abaci based on search engine hits. Users who click these cleverly disguised and probably illegal "double-switch" ads cause the monkeys to alter the beads in Wikia's favor.
However, in recent days this Wikia spotlight was moved to the bottom of each page rather than the sidebar and multiplied by three. A cursory look at any of the wikis linked in these spotlights results in a brutal assault of the senses, as they are all swimming in banner advertisements, sidebar advertisements, advertisements in the content, and links to highly useful Wikia features such as Wikianswers. While the increased number of spotlights on Uncyclopedia has not directly resulted in any cash flow, the increased Google bead rating has indeed caused Wikia stock to jump by six beads (the stock market is also organized using giant abaci, only it is operated by goats rather than monkeys). Wikia has decided to share credit for this jump in value with the users of Uncyclopedia, and all users will be receiving checks for equal amounts next Tuesday. The line forms behindOlipro, wherever he happens to be on Tuesday when the stock market goats arbitrarily decide to stop working for the day.
Back on BHOP, fruity user Neox's random storytelling and serious user YouKnowWhatTheMusicMeans' serious, dramatic storytelling have made Forum:Who HATES MochiAds? 2's story a complete, random mess. Also, Optimuschris and Modusoperandi have been having one hell of a time discussing the much-anticipated failing of the new G.I. Joe movie. Finally, users have a had a heated battle over whether to ban the Abstain feature on VFH, which is ending up as off-topic and random as an episode of Lost. Are there anycool discussions going on? That's the forum news in your area, now here's Mr. G with the weather, only on Public Access Channel 2!
08:49, 31 July 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of a flat cap and a whippet (tha's callin' us lazy, lad? sithee 'ere, I were down t'pit 36 hours a day for tuppence when tha were nobbut a lad!)
02:40, 1 August 2009 Ljlego (Talk | contribs) resurrected Modusoperandi (Talk | contribs) (Nah, it wasn't so bad. Your nakedness totally made up for it.)
02:01, 5 August 2009 TheLedBalloon (Talk | contribs) blocked 203.14.52.46 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 week (Yes, you tell that "Jacob" what you really think about him! Now that you've told him off on a random website online you'll be the coolest one of your friends. You are such a badass.)
The Water powered bus is the most prominent mode of public transportation in rainy cities such as Seattle and London, and also underwater cities like Atlantis and New Orleans. Invented in 1954 by Sir Henry Bus, the water powered bus is capable of maintaining speeds between 'brisk gentlemanly walk' and 'brisk gentlemanly trot' for up to ten minutes.
edit I notice you've been "messin' up" a bit on VFH
Whether you've been failing to sign your votes, breaking numbering, not numbering at all, or anything else like that, I'm here to give you a warning and some recommended reading. Really recommended. Read that and please learn how to do things right from now on. Thank you. --TKFUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCK 05:49, 11 August 2009 (UTC)
Reverend Zim_ulator says: "There are coffee cup stains on this copy, damnit! Now that's good UnJournalism."
Welcome to UnNews, Acrolo, and thank you for contributing some crap, or otherwise attracting my attention. For a quick introduction about how you can write a decent or better UnNews article, please take a minute read our spiffy new Style Guide.
I am your humble servant (in your dreams), and if I may be of help to you, please leave me a note on my talk page.
Good things that can happen to you
You can win awards and prizes! You can become a better writer by subjecting your articles to the scrutiny of UnNews critique machine or UnCanninator shit article detection system. You can become a thorn in the side of Journalism as a whole. You can get promotions, ribbons, and free crockery! You can write stuff your mom would be ashamed to show her friends.
What happened to my article?
If you've submitted an article, and it's disappeared, I may have mercy-moved it to your user space. This means I've probably left a message on your talk page, likely in close proximity to this very message, explaining why.
Your article may have been tagged for ICU if it has significant problems meeting our criteria, or I may have deleted it because you did not register as a user.
Finally, maybe you just pissed me off. I mean, I know I'm a Roshi, and I'm supposed to be all "Zen" about everything, but I have bad days too, you know?
UnNews Audio
If you are interested in doing an UnNews audio, check this out.
UnNews UnFunnies
At present, I create UnCartoons for UnNews all by my onesies, for better or worse. Now, I will never claim that I am a good cartoonist. Fortunately, the internet provides us a way to do all sorts of things simply and easily. I found Stripgenerator.com, a great site to create cartoons with a minimum of talent.
This document is an ongoing effort by me to enhance the obfuscation coefficient of Uncyclopedia; productive changes, and criticism are welcome. Cheers! The Right and Left Reverend Major Sir Rev. Zim_ulator (Talk)I am the dirt under your rollers 17:38, March 28, 2010 (UTC)
Thanks Zim... 11 articles later LOL~! SirACROLOKUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 11:13, 12 August 2009 (UTC)
editUnSignpost 13th August 2009. It's not late. You are!
August 10, 2009 - a date which will live in infamy.Gerrycheevers, the UnSignpost's handsome, talented, and, often times, only editor announced his leave of absence in order to head west, and make a name for himself. In an UnSignpost Exclusive, Gerry talked at length about his final destination and the exciting journey he expects. "[I'll be heading to] north dakota. [I reckon I'll take the famous Oregon Trail, driving a horse and buggy, herding cattle, planting seeds of injustice wherever I may.]" How long this move out west will take is unknown by all but our best psychics, and since Gerry has them trained to bite anyone who come near, we'll go with Gerry's approximate date of August 21. If all of our readers miss Gerry (and we have a feeling that, one paragraph in, you already do), please drop him a line. Tell him how much he is missed. Tell him that if he ever leaves again, we won't be so forgiving. Just tell him something. We don't want to have to do this without him again.
In an unrelated note, the UnSignpost - usually a shining example of grammatical correctness, good spelling, and hilarity - seems to have hit a drop in quality for this week's issue. The reasons for these changes seem to be a mystery to everyone. As far as we can tell, the problems that have arisen are completely arbitrary. The reasons for this change in quality have been the talk of the community this week. Some have suggested the recent meteor shower has caused an influx of gamma radiation into our atmosphere, creating a negative energy all over the Earth, and thus causing our writing abilities to falter. Under User stupidly blamed all of this on the change in editors, saying "Good to see we're keeping the time-honoured Signpost tradition of the revolving door to the editor's office alive and well. Although now Woody's in there, that should probably be a 'revolting' door."Bastard.
Popular Uncyclopedian Electric mocha something-or-other, also known as EMC, this week unveiled his latest creation: a trivia bot for the Uncyclopedia IRC Channel. The bot, named "UncycTrivia", stands at over seven feet tall and is made exclusively from red crayons. Seemingly, its only function is to spout random nonsense under the guise of trivia questions and then demand answers, awarding points to whoever manages to guess the random word or phrase it considers the answer.
EMC let loose his bot on the nerds, perverts and middle-aged alcoholics of #uncyclopedia, leading to even less constructive conversation then usual. Instead, the channel is mostly filled with dozens of people shouting random words in the hopes of being awarded meaningless points. Some, however, have pointed out that the only real difference between this and the way things were before is the awarding of points.
Not content with destroying one channel, however, EMC subsequently decided to bring his bot to ##turtle,the exciting new channel with the dubious honour of being "the BHOP of IRC" (but with less Bad Shroom), which also served as a staging post for a recent trollinvasion of Yahoo! Answers.
EMC was unavailable for comment when I was throwing this piece together in five minutes. He is presumed to be sitting in a cave somewhere stroking his large red crayon and laughing dementedly.
New Editors Have Trouble Matching up Left and Right Sides
In a startling development, the newest editors of the UnSignpost are proving to be quite inept at lining up the left and right sides of Post's template. It seems that our penchant for placing more and more boxes on the right side of the page has defeated the natural aesthetic of the Post's two-even-sides strategy. While this is a problem, it does seem to be fixable. Namely, by adding this headline and story. Is this just an obvious cry for help, that we are unable to do this without Gerry? Probably. But since our hostile takeover has proven quite successful unstoppable so far, we would disagree.
14:17, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked 142.165.47.133 (Talk) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Who is Ed and why should is he better than me?)
14:18, 10 August 2009 Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) blocked Thekillerfroggy (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of Judgement Day (Fuck you, me, stop proving that guy's point with your horrible horrible ban reasons)
15:30, 8 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked MrN9000 (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 24 seconds (beating me to a ban, and using a boring ban reason when you got there. honestly, I spend seconds on a ban reason, only to find it's wasted. gnurph!)
The Little boy who lives down the street is a child who lives down the street that no other children have ever seen. (And no-one knows his name either...) This is because the child has died, in several fashions, over and over again, the subject of which is constantly being brought up by your Mother and/or Grandmother when they’re explaining why you cannot do something that you really want to do.
"With the exception of Bruce Lee, these people are the least funniest people who have ever lived. Why people continue to cream their jeans over them for their supposed god-like abilities, I can't figure that out. Delete. Delete. Delete. Sakujo. Delete this massive faggotry. These people ain't bad THEY AIN'T NOTHIN'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" --RomanDogBird!!!!!:D :D :D :D :D :D :D 04:27, 13 August 2009 (UTC)
edit A blast of wind is heard, as the good spaceship Serenity approaches your userpage ...
Well, look at this! Appears we got through VFH just in the nick of time. What does that make us? Sir, how many times has this quote been used on the Internet? Absolutely not, Zoe. I don't see— Sir, I am not going to use that quote directly, especially when it has become the title of a TV Tropes page.
Huh.
Thank you for supporting the Firefly article! <sarcasm style="obvious">Although, if I may, my plan was really to have it fail VFH after 11 days, have it quasi-featured, start a "Feature Firefly" campaign, and eventually rewrite and have featured the article on Serenity (which is kind of in a mess at the moment).</sarcasm> But thanks anyway! SirMacManiaGUN—[03:09 23 Aug 2009]
After four weeks of red-hot eight-man free fantasy football league draft action, the first Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League (UFFL) Draft is finally at a close: Uncyclopedia regular and DiBiase's Millions general manager The Woodburninator made Arizona Cardinals' Kicker Neil Rackers Mr. Irrelevant on the afternoon of August 21th, 2009, a mere 26 hours after the previous pick had been made. Afterward, League Commissioner and noted Nazi sympathizer Guildensternenstein promised to make all subsequent Uncyclopedia Fantasy Football League official actions run much more smoothly. He vowed he would "put the drafted players on their respective fantasy teams" at some point "after I'm done writing this story for the UnSignpost and before I go see Inglorious Bastards later tonight."
The draft itself was varied, and picks ranged from the predictable (Vikings' running back Adrian Peterson taken first overall) to the even more predictable (Falcons' running back Michael Turner taken with second overall pick) to the fairly predictable (Drew Brees, Peyton Manning and Tom Brady being the first three quarterbacks taken) to the downright wild. Notable steals include Guildy's nabbing of Chris Johnson in Round 5, Woody's snagging of Aaron Rodgers in Round 6, and Bradaphraser's criminal steal of Dallas tight end Jason Witten. For every good pick, there was a bad one, however: in moves that would make Al Davis proud, LongLiverh3 took Philadelphia's No. 3 receiver while their No. 1 and No. 2 receivers were still on the board, made 30th ranked tight end L.J. Smith the second overall tight end picked, and made Baltimore QB Joe Flacco his backup quarter back while the likes of Matt Schaub, Jay Cutler, Ben Roethlisberger and Eli Manning were still available. LongLiver could not be reached for comment.
New UnSignpost Editor already having trouble filling up space; Falls upon pointless gimmicks, self-references, long article titles to fill void
In a move that has surprised literally 0% of the Uncyclopedia UnSignpost community, the newest UnSignpost editor has already hit a wall in trying to think up new articles for the post. Well, that's not actually true. First he wrote a story trying to beg Zombiebaron to re-subscribe for the post. Then he actually looked at Zombiebaron's userpage to find out that he was actually leaving the site. Needless to say, the presses were called back, and more writing had to be done. Namely, this.
Now, we at the post already know what you are thinking. But, since putting those things into print is outlawed in 36 states, two Canadian provinces, and all of Lithuania, we will instead reference the fact that there have been an awful lot of self-referencing in the UnSignpost lately. For that we are truly sorry. Also, we are sorry for self-referencing our own self-referencing. It is truly a problem that continues to build upon itself. We hope to soon continue with the top notch reporting that is so often found in our hallowed archives. Such as the time we wrote about Spang's village dump conquests, or the time we self-referenced how the UnSignpost's lovable mascot, "Dognewspaper" had not been in the Unsignpost for over nine months. Or that time we wrote about the Fantasy Football Draft being finished. Yes, all of those times were good. And we plan - nae, promise - to, in the very near future, continue bringing those kinds of articles to your doorstep. That is, if you don't mind finding a bit of drool upon it.
12:30, 16 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked 86.133.6.177 (Talk) with an expiry time of 1 day (blanking pages makes baby jesus cry. it also gets your ass banned. maybe one or the other of those things will convince you not to do it again)
10:55, 18 August 2009 Mordillo (Talk | contribs) blocked Under user (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 18 days (so you let me look like an ignorant baffoon for 18 days? What kind of SLA is that?)
11:02, 18 August 2009 Under user (Talk | contribs) blocked Mordillo (Talk | contribs) with an expiry time of 432 hours (it's not that long in the grand scheme of things. America happily let George Bush look like an ignorant buffoon for 2 terms of office, for example...)
Biopic of the Week
The man from straight out of Kiel, Germany, NaturalBornKieler has been a tremendous addition to Uncyclopedia since joining in June, 2007. While he has had no issues splitting his time between both Uncyclopedia, and the German Uncyclopedia, he has, for some reason, written 10 morefeatures, and some 100 more articles for the German Uncyclopedia than for our beautiful English side. Still, it seems he has found his calling now, working in the big bureaucracy of the Foreign Office. NBK was unable to be reached for comment, as he was unable to get the proper approval from his superiors to be interviewed by a newspaper. Ahhhh. Bureaucracy at work.
Coping with adolescence and struggling to maintain its identity during the Napoleonic Wars, the United States looked to its mother country for guidance. But England, a single parent with a host of colonies to look after, had little time to spend with its gawky young child. Hoping to impose some sort of discipline over its increasingly sullen ward, England resorted to a 10 p.m. curfew.
Old School Old School Box of the Week
Forgotten and so-short-it-possibly-ought-to-be-a-template page of the week
Tact: Don't worry about it. A lot of people have weird-shaped bodies.
The next PLS is impending, and the are still judging slots unfilled. Modusoperandi is looking for users who are opinionated, who think that those opinions matter, and who want to give the benefit of those opinions to many in the form of passing judgement on articles. Enjoy the temporary sensation of power! Impress your friends! Alienate those whose articles you don't favour! Sign up now!
Thanks for your review! To answer some of your questions, I did look at other featured unnews articles, including some you worked on, and the guidelines. And I didn't place the small dog in such a ridiculous position, the police did. I made up the quotes, but the rest of the story is true. Still, thanks! Miley Spears 00:07, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
I thought more about your review, and realized you gave me some great suggestions for improving it. I tried to follow them, and posted the article. Thanks! Also I voted for you for UN:UGM. I could tell the votes were jokes by people who respected you. Hope you don't mind. :) Miley Spears 02:24, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
Hehehe... You are welcome :) and trust me... the voters don't respect me in any way... :P SirACROLOKUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 04:51, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
There's no reason for this post except I'm trying out my new signature. And how do I make it appear without typing out User:MyUserName/sig etc? Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 05:46, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
you just ad 4 of these tidles ~~~~ to the end of whatever you write and it automatically puts your sig there :) SirACROLOKUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 06:24, 25 August 2009 (UTC)
Sorry, I didn't make it clear what I meant. I know about typing ~~~~. But when I use that it just comes up with my user name and the date. I mean how do I make the fancy stuff come up that I designed for {{User:Miley Spears/sig}} without typing out {{User:Miley Spears/sig}} ~~~~~ Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 02:42, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
You can set it up under "Preferences". There is a guide on how to under UN:SIG. If it helps, my preferences the sig is set up as -
...and I sign with thre tildes as the sig preferences add the time in for me automagically. It's not the least complex code to set up, but once it's done it stays done. And Acrolo is right - we don't respect him. Pupt 03:10, 26/08/2009
I figured out something that works thanks! The part I was missing was setting my preferences. Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 01:35, 27 August 2009 (UTC)
ALSO! Miley the reason why EVERYONES text is turning pink is because you have left out a closing bracket somewhere... Possibly </span> so like remember to close all your brackets... and if I were respected that would mean that I have morals...EWWW SirACROLOKUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 05:06, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
But I like making everyone's words pink! Really I didn't do it on purpose sorry! But I fixed it. Dame Pleb Com. Miley Spears (talk) 01:39, 27 August 2009 (UTC)
Morals are great. On top of the physical gratification when you do something objectionable there's also a delightful frission of guilt. Pupt 05:23, 26/08/2009
Freud has taught you alot hasn't he :P SirACROLOKUN • FPW • AOTM • FA •(SPAM) 05:42, 26 August 2009 (UTC)
As Mrs Freud said, "Sometimes my Siggy is just a Siggy." Pupt 06:30, 26/08/2009
Hi there my noob, well since you've got your first feature and seem to be doing very well, I think it might be time for me to graduate you from being a noob. You can still come to me for help, but I think your ready to stand on your own now. Once again well done on your featured article, which I hope will be the first of many for you:-)
You can add this template to your userpage if you wish to show that your no longer noob:
This user has graduated from the adoption program! Kudos! from Sycamore.