SUPER NEW: Entries of people you may have never heard of before have got their own special place now. These folks are eighter a) inactive for a long period b) Not-that-notable-but-still c) annoying. So there.
Updated entries: Codeine, and Keitei through Flammable.
Administrators and members on Uncyclopedia create user names just to follow procedure, but in reality, they do not appreciate being called by these nicknames. The following is a list of their real names, along with a short biographical sketch for admins and notable members of the site.
Keitei's real name is Katereina. She is a 34-year-old who sits in the dark all day, and feeds on delivered pizza. She owns many pets, such as a squirrel, a draak and a Hitlerbear and she has an abnormal dislike for "juice people" and people with bloodcancer. She lives in New England, though on a visit to Florida, her rage caused by the "Emocore" Movement. It was later named Hurricane Katrina, which ended up in catastrophe and devastation.
There is also an age-old dispute as to whether or not Keitei is actually a girl, for more on this see The Great Keitei Debate.
edit Nytrospawn (Ryan)
Nytro's real name is Ryan Bath House. He graduated in capitalist economy, but he builds Zombie Nazi Robots for a (poor) living. Lives with his father, Forest Gump and his 12 monkeys. He's a Norwegian-German-Canadian Star Trek fan-boy who really hates cars and other motorized vehicles. He once presented an unaltered Uncyclopedia article to his teacher as his school paper, which got him a C+.
Murphy's real name is Roberto Clemente Murphy. He is a freelancer bureaucrat level 31 whose most famous works include Disney and the company responsible for the Mavis Beacon Teaches Stereotyping CD-Rom. He and Burt Reynolds are close friends. Son of a male gay couple, Murphy was abandoned by them during childhood. He hopes to live in California, one day. Trivial facts on him are that his grandfather invented lattes and that he won an euroiPod when participating at The Price Is Right.
Isra’s real name is Gary Mander. He is a Muslim who comes from a long line of USA presidents. Former Star Trek producer, he currently works at the White House. He believes that the Christian God's name isn't God, even though he has built many churches, since he’s an engineer. He has once tried his luck as a white rapper with very little success. Gary has lived in Hiroshima in the period betweem 1944 and 1946.
Wolf's real name is Charles Emerson (Greek: Gluteus Maximus), but he prefers Charlie. He’s a former Los Angeles cop who used to illegally sell clock radios. Now, he is a monk who lives in the mountains. Charlie’s mother, Eva Perón, gave birth to him in Brest, France. One time, a hiker found him in his cave, and Dawg couldn't believe it wasn't Hitler.
Dana is an American laywer who hopes to one day become a judge. He has argued in court against the existence of water and that man has landed on the moon (what a loon). Gets legal information from Wikipedia. Devout Catholic that converted to Rastafarianism so he could be the head of Uncyclopedia's chess club. As such, he is often quoted on MTV. His favorite color is orange.
Ed is a 28-year-old professional bocha player who likes to wear colorful hats. An ex-marine that worships Martha Stewart ("That gal is so tidy!"), he is Uncyclopedia's foremost advocate of torture, especially the Machete to the groin. Ed is an avid atheist. He has been quoted as ranting, "Jesus is coming back? Where is he? He's late!" Ed has overstepped his bounds and had to be banned multiple times, most recently for making himself an admin. Eventually they let him have his fun, and didn't revert his self-op. Ed enjoys playing poker, loves magic and mythology, and is a leading literary critic. His favorite writer is T. S. Eliot. He is also the only Uncyclopedian that's been to outer space.
edit Chronarion (Lewis)
Lewis is from Australia, and therefore he suffers from TAA (Thick Australian Accent) Syndrome. He lives in Melbourne with his pet kangaroo, neighbouring a Subway. You know what? He invented Uncyclopedia! Worship him! Uncyclopedia's brutal Dictator in absentia, Lewis was named Uncyclopedia of the year in 2004, since there was no one else here back then. Lewis has an iPod nano that he has hooked up to hold 200 gb, for reasons no on really understands. He is an avid fan of dinosaurs. He also loves early 90s rap music. Be careful! He is the biggest liar on the internet, no matter what Al Franken says.
edit Stillwaters (Claire)
Claire is from Austria, but was adopted by a Swedish couple who took her last name and wouldn't give it back. She is one of the few girls on the site, and is not only proud of that fact, but smug about it. March 2005's Writer of the Month, Stillwaters is what Bill O'Really would call "a liberal." The co-founder of Uncyclopedia, she's spent a lot of time writing "oh wouldn't it be great if we actually had civil rights" articles for the New York Times about America and it's mistress country, Japan. She actually owns two cows, which is where that whole thing started. Unlike most people on the internet, she hates the MPAA. But, dude, check it out! She plays videogames for a LIVING! Beat that!
Jason is a transexual prostitute living in sin. Jason's life basically consists in selling cocaine to buy heroine. He used to live in New York City's Park Avenue, but he forgot his address, so now he wanders around Broadway, the highest drug selling point in this side of the world. Jason serves as Poopsmith of Uncyclopedia, though quite accidentally. Suprisingly, he got the Writer of the Month, August 2005, award without actually having ever written anything. Ever. When Jason is high, he believes he is Famine, the famed horseman of the Apocalypse. He then gets on his computer, and, with an admin code he got from Flammable in a drug deal, desperately tries to rid Uncyclopedia of any material whatsoever. He has not yet accomplished his goal, but he is working diligently toward it. If he deletes your stuff, understand that it is not personal, he just hates everything. The only way to keep your material on Uncyclopedia is to make him laugh so hard he can't hit the delete button before the authorities kick him out of the library.
$'s real name is John Greenstein. John is a successful Jewish attourney who lives in Boston, Massachusetts, and has a five-figure salary. He isn't married, since his job (and now the site) take most of his personal time. He joined Uncyclopedia when his fellow co-workers dared him to. John was Noob of the Month Jan 2006, mainly for doing requested images for all kinds of articles, and getting two featured images on the front page. Besides that, he hasn't done much in his short time at Uncyclopedia, besides getting his own puzzle piece, causing a nuclear holocaust while pulling a Homer, and starting a company that sells everything from razor blades to orange juice. John has super-powers on IRC, where you must respect his authority.
Elvis' real name is Francis. Francis lives in Honolulu, Hawaii, and sells surfboards for a living. Francis's gender is undetermined. S/he lives in a treehouse by the beach, with his/her pet monkey, Stuart. Francis goes by the moniker "Elvis" on the internet to feel "pretty." S/he once visited Britain and was knighted for creating some awards for the queen. This makes referring to Sir/Dame Francis much more difficult in Britain, so s/he has been banished, never to return. Francis won the Useless Gobshite of the Month, Oct 2005 award for coming to Uncyclopedia looking for acceptance. The result was a bloodbath.
Flam's real name is Paul. Paul is a 13-year old hobo who lives on a train that goes from Delaware to Vermont and back, every single day. He collects money from the passengers, and loots Wal-Mart for food at all stops. He gets on Uncyclopedia because a nice passenger forgot to take his laptop with him when leaving the train. Paul was knighted for bringing the Flying Spaghetti Monster to Uncyclopedia. This new religion made him slightly crazy however, so when he isn't doing drugs, he is busy destroying every article on Uncyclopedia that he find "offensive" to Pastafarians. The only way to stop him from deleting your stuff is to cry and post desperate pleas for mercy on his talk page. If they are funny, he'll still delete your article, but will keep your pleas for mercy for his own amusement. Paul is the only Uncyclopedia user that has run for President of the United States of America (Gundam party).
edit savethemooses (Norman)
Mooses' real name is Norman Wells. Norman is a computer geek who spends the day trying to hack into the CIA's website. He lives alone in a small apartment paid for by his parents, and feeds primarily on Hot Pockets. He joined Uncyclopedia while trying to hack into it in order to blank RuneScape once and for all.
Sikon's real name is Rikio Matsumara. Rikio's one of two notable Japanese members here. He is a 35-year-old banker who lives in Osaka, and is married to Tsuyako, a vaguely life-like robot. He also invests in the stock market. His hobbies include schoolgirls, signing offkey and morris dancing. He joined Uncyclopedia using his wife's copy of Windows 98.
edit Bradaphraser (Jake)
Brad's real name is Jake. Jake has no idea as to what he is going to do with his life, consistent with the fact that he is 11 years old. He lives in Houston, Texas with his parents and 27 siblings. His most famous work was "Macaroni Mommy." He joined Uncyclopedia by turning on his dad's computer, for which he was later grounded.
edit David Gerard (Linux)
David's real name is Terrance Linux, but he prefers to be called by his last name only. He lives in Seattle and attends the University of Washington, where he studies Journalism. He lives in a rented apartment, which he pays for by working at a local coffee shop (not Starbucks). He pretends to be Australian to get chicks (this never works). He joined Uncyclopedia during an extremely dull biology class.
Tomp's real name is Mohammed Yuri. Mohammed lives in Saudi Arabia with his dad, his seven moms, and his pet goat, Fred. He works as a waiter there, although he is only 15 years old. His salary is equal to 19 American dollars. He joined Uncyclopedia in one of the four computers that exist in the country.
Yyy's real name is Frederico, but he prefers Freddy. Freddy is 16 years old and lives in Ecuador, in a tent in the middle of the Amazon rain forest. He hunts and fishes for food, and often teaches younger children how to use a spear. To join Uncyclopedia, he traveled over 1,130 miles to access a computer, only to find the one he had ordered from Dell waiting for him when he got home.
Bob3's real name is Rhonda Stevens. Rhonda followed the example of other female internet users (such as ManManMan) and chose a very masculine nickname, although she never actually denied being female. She is 16 years old, lives in Oregon, and hopes to take Jimmy to the prom. She joined Uncyclopedia under unknown circumstances.
edit Wild Weasel (David)
Weasel's real name is Hezekiah, but he prefers David, mostly because it is three letters shorter. David came to Uncyclopdeia looking to earn thousands writing comedy from the safety and comfort of his own home, but so far this hasn't happened. At Uncyclopedia, he is recognized as being a registered member of Uncyclopedia, and for his overuse of the phrases "experts agree that" and "is widely considered." David was employed intermittantly as a mercenary, but after a stint in Iraq - where he witnessed a village of innocent Smurfs bombed by Coalition forces - he renounced cartoon violence. Needless to say, he hasn't worked in a while, and lives off of the proceeds from his successful 2002 lawsuit against the Los Angeles Dodgers baseball club for negligence associated in the death of his ocelot, Trevor. In his spare time (he has a lot of spare time) David listens avidly to his vinyl Art Garfunkel solo albums, collects Lithuanian Communist Party propaganda, and enjoys putting himself on Don't Date Him Girl.com.
G's real name is unknown, but his code name is TY. TY works for the CIA, and very little is known about him. The only facts known about him are that he is male, lives in Las Vegas, Nevada, and works as a field agent. He joined Uncyclopedia as a Governmental agent to watch the people, as required by the Patriot Act. As a CIA agent, TY is, of course, completely humor-free. He has placed himself as moderator at the VFD page to ensure that democracy spreads to even the crappiest of places online. While in the CIA, TY was also assigned to monitor the Discordians, with hilarious results. Expect a movie deal to be struck soon, starring Optimus Prime as TY.
Mhaille's real name (as is 42% percent of the British male population) is Niles, though this is actually pronounced "MAHL-ee." Niles is one of the few notable British Uncyclopedians. He's married to popular Eskimo singer Björk, and collects used batteries. Mhaille is the admin to talk to if you're a n00b, because he doesn't hate you outright... yet. Mhaille has helped Gollum's recording career by buying all his albums, watches Euthenasia politics on BBC4, is a history buff that loves old British Army entertainment reels, and is a self-declared "warrior-poet," whatever that means.
Anidn's real name is Daniel, but he prefers Danny. Danny is a typical American boy, 17 years old, senior year on High School, plays football and baseball, and hopes to get a scholarship to the University of Texas at New York. The means by which he joined Uncyclopedia remain mysterious, since he has in fact never used a computer in his life.
Splarka's real name is Doyle Cunningham. Doyle is one of the few notable British Uncyclopedians. He is a peppy 19-year-old who's working toward a degree in Biology, smokes heavily, and lives in a co-ed dormitory. He joined Uncyclopedia when he read about it in the newspaper he was eating from.
edit Zombiebaron (Christian)
ZB's real name is Christian. Christian is what is popularly called a "nerd." He studies Mathematics at Harvard, and lives with his parents and sisters three blocks away from the University. He has Triple-Nipple Disorder, and spends most of his time listening to Radiohead albums, though recently he has taken a strange liking to Dogs Die in Hot Cars. He joined Uncyclopedia trying to be cool.
edit King in Yellow (Pete)
KIY's real name is Peter, but he prefers "Pete." Pete is one of the few notable Canadian members. He works at Catholic Bumber [sic] Stickers, Inc. as a corn-muffin manufacturer. He is 40 years old and very, very lonely. He joined Uncyclopedia to try to sell some of his bumper stickers, only to discover that most Uncyclopedians actually do care about spelling.
Really Marshall Steven Kauffman (1985-2053), Marshall was born in the Seattle General Hospital at 7:02 AM. He currently practices medicine in the same Hospital as an intern and has very little time to himself, which he wastes going on-line instead of sleeping, or eating. He lives in Seattle with his parents, Paul Reiser, an awarded novelist and J.K. Rowling, a bank manager, his little brother, Moby, a high school student, his big sister, Joan of Arc, an attendant in the Hospital, J.K.'s sister, Debra Messing, a crack addict recover waitress and Paul's father, Donald Trump, a retired Secret Service agent with amnesia problems. He joined Uncyclopedia as part of a campaign to convince his parents to take him to EuroDisney, but instead it got him grounded until 2665. He writes for the Biography channel in his spare time. He is sometimes confused with a world-famous art critic.
edit Spintherism (Ira)
Spin's real name is Ira Richmond. Ira is 20 years old, and lives in San Francisco, California. He works as a photographer, and is very open about being homosexual. He likes "the rain" and "long walks on the beach." He joined Uncyclopedia because he was tired of our overly judgmental society.
RadX's real name is Otto. Otto is 22 years old and lives in Frankfurt, Denmark. He studies Danish Literature and works as a gardener to cover his expanses. (heh heh... "expanses"! I like that one.) He is a convicted felon who was found guilty in 2002 of assault, robbery, and rape, which adds up to 4 years in jail in Denmark, a term which he has already served. He joined Uncyclopedia because he was told to do so by a pink dog, which may or may not have been his.
edit Prettiestpretty (Penny)
PP's real name is Penny Foryerthoughts. Penny is 36 (dog) years old, and lives in a spec house in the middle of Bumfuck. In her early years she was known as "the source." Nowadays, she likes tea and the afternoon CW schedule. She joined Uncyclopedia when her cat walked on her keyboard. Penny is, as the name implies, blonde.
edit Todd Lyons (Gary)
Todd's real name is Gary Kyle. Gary owns a not-entirely-successful online comic strip, and hopes to make that his living someday. For now, he works as a pirate-CD salesman. He is 24 years old and lives in Chicago, Illinois. He joined Uncyclopedia when someone sent him an e-mail saying that "even this crappy site is better then your web comic."
Algo's real name is Lance O'Doyle. Lance is one of the few notable British members on the site. He is a plastic surgeon who specializes in rhinoplasty; he once fixed his fiancee's nose "just to see what would happen." He is 35 years old and once appeared on a local television programme, and will not stop pointing this out to anyone who will listen. He joined Uncyclopedia when his neighbour said, "Top o' th' mournin' t'ya mate! Haf y'seen this new soite, guv'," and was immediately arrested for an accent violation.
Loogy's real name is William, but he prefers "Billy." Billy is an 8-year-old with an IQ of 156. He's what you might call a prodigy. He is currently in the ninth grade, and hopes to graduate by the time he is 13. He joined Uncyclopedia using the computer he built himself when he was 4 years old.
Mandy's real name is Mandy. Mandy is one of the few members whose nickname is actually somewhat truthful and accurate. She is 18 years old and lives in Budapest, Hungary. She ice-skates at a near-professional level, and her coach says that she could represent the country at the next Olympic Games. She joined Uncyclopedia to meet hot-hunk American boys, only to discover that this strategy was doomed to failure.
edit Slackerboy (Paolo)
Slack's real name is Paolo Giacomo. Paolo's parents are Italian, but Paolo was born in Chicago. He currently is the head of the Chicago Mafia, at only 38 years of age. He has been arrested six times, but he dug a tunnel out of every every jail he was imprisoned in, always using the same spoon. He joined Uncyclopedia while trying to think of something illegal to do on the internet.
Rat's real name is Gregory McCalleigh. Gregory is Irish, and therefore has a collection of four-leaf clovers. He is 14, and a heavy drinker. He goes to "school" and has a regular gig at the laundromat, where the change machine is broken and gives an extra quarter every time; unfortunately Gregory is usually too drunk to realize that American quarters are largely worthless in Ireland. He joined Uncyclopedia at a bar.
Reskinned the front page so it got all A's for a school project. Leader of the Online Suicide bomber squad. Is a 47 year old video game programmer. Has a deep relationship with God. Has scaled Mt. Everest. Nigel is a convicted polygamist, and has recently been awarded the CBE for having the most wedding anniversaries, currently 137. During his teens he was in a band no one has ever heard of, including him.
edit Roger The Bum (Roger)
Roger's real name is Roger.
He would expand this entry, but lacks the resources to do so. Spare a quarter?
edit Cigaro Cubano (James)
Cigaro Cubano, AKA James the Magnificent, is an ultraconservative asshole and a pre-medical Sophomore from the Texas A&M Corps of Cadets who enjoys a good cigar (duh), imports coffee from around the world, talks to llamas, and does Your Mom every night before he goes to bed. His contributions to Uncyclopedia contain no merit, worth, value, or intrinsic awesomeness, save for the fact that he can really really badly confuse you.
He once submitted the Hitler article to his History teacher and got an A+, after which he promptly fell asleep in class and dreamed about farting on liberals.
He and his friends invented a religion last summer, which they don't really follow, but which is hella funny nonetheless. His favorite brand of cigars is Arturo Fuentes, followed by Padron and those ACME cigars that blow up in your face when Bugs Bunny lights them. He is currently the Chosen Deity of the Southwest, and he eats guns and craps bullets. Cigaro Cubano rules your face off.
edit whats this for? (Fred)
German. Thats all you need to know.
Trar used to have a long and extremely shitty paragraph here, filled to bursting with non-humor unworthy of Encyclopedia Dramatica. He finally came to his senses, realized how truly UNFUNNY he was, and huffed it with no mercy.
diMario's given name is Cornelis van der Decken. He is an old geezer! Previously Master of the Flying Dutchman, a 16th century tall ship with a bad reputation (both the ship and the Captain) he now has retired from the sea and makes a living in software maintenance. His greatest contribution to humanity (besides scaring the bejeesus out of every sailor whome ever went out with the tide since the 16th century) up to date is a rather nifty bug fix in some prettey ancient code where the order of copying HTTP headers from request to reply was reversed. His hobbies include drinking in a social setting and occasionally "sticking me index into a dyke" as he so eloquently describes it himself. He also likes to brag on the #uncylcopedia IRC chan about his imaginary pet grue Wendy. Besides his ship master's certificate, he is also one of the few Dutch bastards that have officially been certified incurably insane.
edit Insineratehymn (Ethan)
Insineratehymn's real name is Ethan. He is 16 years old, single, and a horny womanizer. Also, he's a lonely and miserable male virgin. He lives in a black fortress on the desolate battlefields of Kansas with his cat, his mother's computer, and a massive supply of caffeine. He loves metal music, and he plays the music really loud on his stereo in order to scare away the children living in the corn fields. He joined Uncyclopedia while spreading the word of another website he attended called Metal Storm.
You know that smelly guy who sat next to you in Computer Sciences, who made batch files to DDOS the school and played Quake 3 using the school's Internet, the firewall of which he always managed to get around? Of course you don't, you're too stupid to take Computer Sciences. Anyway, he heard about Uncyclopedia on some newsgroup and was never the same again. He also won't shut up in IRC.
edit Pongo Version 2 (Rodrigo)
Remember that weird-looking hobo who told you how the aliens are reading your mind and you should wear a tinfoil hat? This guy is slightly more normal than him.
He is Ægyptüsian, but he speak Englandish the very better. He lives in the Palace of Epic Proportions, an underground palace beneath the Pyramid. He is studying Mummyology at the Desert Sands University, the oldest university in the universe. He is currently working on his little side-project, translating Uncyclopedia's featured articles to Hieroglyphs then carving them onto the walls of his tomb.
edit Guildensternenstein (Edward)
Edward (or Guildensternenstein, as her prefers to be called) is one of Uncyclopedia's great up-and-comers. His knowledge is almost boundless, he turns out featured articles at an alarming rate, and his dick is twelve inches long. He also has the ability to summon midget clones of himself to do his bidding, breathe underwater, and have women paint his nails without seeming gay in the process. Guildensternenstein is better than you, and you should suck his balls.
edit CheddarBBQ (Giovanni)
Giovanni (also known as John, Don, Chedds, Queso, and Mr. Doritos Man) is the first openly Italian member of the American Uncyclopedia, and as such, has started the Italian movement in Uncyc. Chedds is a certified genius, but to not intimidate fellow Uncyclopedians, he chooses to make very little effort at being productive. Oh, and he likes Doritos and Mountain Dew.