User:ASHPD/Command & Conquer 3: Kane's Waffles

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!colspan=2 style="font-size: larger; background-color:red; color:white;" |Command & Conquer 3: Kane's Waffles
 
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|'''[[User:Steve Ballmer|Developers]]''' || Electronic Arts
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|'''Made In''' || [[China]]
 
|'''Made In''' || [[China]]

Latest revision as of 04:03, August 20, 2012

     Whoops! Maybe you were looking for a game that wasn't raped by Electronic Arts?
Kane's Waffles small
Command & Conquer 3: Kane's Waffles
KanesWaffles
Command & Conquer 3: Kane's Waffles
Developers Electronic Arts
Made In China
Release Date 2008
Rating by ESRB G (General Audience)
Format VCD (Video CD)
Preceded by Command + Conquer 3: Tiberium Warts
Followed by Command & Conquer: Boyle's Vengeance
Will you like it? Why not?


Warning. This Article contains the spoiler that The Player (YOU) is CABAL in all series, so, if you don't want to find out that The Player (YOU) is CABAL in all series, which you did, don't read it.
Because The Player (YOU) is CABAL .

NodFuckThis

When Nod show its wrath.

“PREPARE... FOR CASTRATION!”
~ Kane on Castration
“I think that the average woman in Command & Conquer games are slightly better looking than the average woman in the real world...”
~ Captain Understatement on C & C women
“I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO CONNECT TO THE WAFFLE'S RECIPE, I WILL NOT...!!!”
~ Abbess Alexa Cold-wax on Going emo in Kane's Waffles
“Kane, the son of Adam, is full of lies and blasphemy! Only I know the True Path! Only I...”
~ Oscar Wilde on Re-enacting Brother Macaroni's classic speech


Command & Conquer 3: Kane's Waffles is an Oscar winning American musical. Upon its release in Spring 2008, it was the most successful Electronic Arts product ever produced, with a sequel Boyle's Vengeance to be released in Spring next year, and a spinoff of Brother Macaroni planned for release in October of 2009. The musical's soundtrack was the best-selling album in the United States for 2008.

Originally it was planned as an expansion pack for Command + Conquer 3: Tiberium Warts, titled "Kane's Wrath". Halfway during the shooting of the FMVs (Free Motion Videos), the directors realized that the shots seemed very cheesy, and thanks to heavy media influence from "High School Musical" and "Hannah Montana", the directors decide it will be ideal to change the direction of the spin-off, by converting an expansion set of a hyped game to a standalone interactive musical.

The musical was shot almost entirely in the Sarajevo's Orthodox Cathedral in Sarajevo, and the backyard of EALA Studios.

edit Cast

edit Kane

The one and only Kane is back; and this time, the self-proclaimed Messiah is the center of attention. Recent interviews with Kane in After-Mad first episode, he claimed that his secret was that he's actually a giant living pickle in a big glass cylinder jar. He was an I love the breakfast food!!!!! gry after losing two wars and wanted new ideas to beat his rivals, after watching NBC's television hit Heroes and Fox's Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, with the many occasions mentioning of waffles in these hits, that leads to the belief that the true success has something to do with waffles. Enlightened, Kane began his legendary quest to seek for the best waffles, dubbed as Kane's Waffles.

Natasha henstridge 17

Natasha showing her big assets to shut the whiny nerds up.

edit Alexa Cold-wax

Alexa Coldwax, often coined as an "Abbess, is actually just Kane's secretary. She's a very emotional character, as Kane put it, "bitch".

Tension rise up in the early interaction between Alexa and you the player after her introduction from Act II. Towards the later part of the story, there is a major twist plot in her role.

And true enough, the twist is that she's in fact a Man in disguise, who vowed to "disable" you because you killed his family during the cleansing of homosexuals and metrosexuals alike.

Extra note: Because of this twist anti-gay activists rallied the streets in front of EALA studios and protested about those gay movement politics.

edit Brother Macaroni

MarcionWaffle

Brother Macaroni in his corny nipple-less Bat-suit making a "Prophecy of A Giant Waffle" speech.

Brother Macaroni is a religious overzealous manager in a famous pasta restaurant, a.k.a. Nod Black Foot. Angry at how his fellow Brothers are faring in their respective branches, he rose up and in one stunning move, he took control and became the new leader of The New Black Foot, coincidentally, he's black too.

(Nobody knows what is up with EALA, I guessed they made it such a way there's a pun intended anyways.)

Dressed in a fat Batman suit, which hides his belly with that fake six pack plastic suit cover, and wears a bling bling because EALA wanna sterotype that all Blacks wear blings. The king of italian pasta, is just another emo king who "BELIEVES that he makes a few mistakes", (mistaking that Kane is Stone Cold Steve Austin because both are bald and has a goatee), but Kane steps in to bring him into line at some point.

We'll see how Brother Macaroni cooks up a storm to aid Kane's quest in finding the best waffles. Probably by coming out with recipes to mix macaroni with waffles?

And let's hope this time round Emo King doesn't go uber-emo and starts to mistake any balded man with a goatee, wearing thongs and doing a striptease as Kane.


edit Plot

Waffle

Kane and his minions on the hunt for the best waffles.

EALA emphasized that the plot of Command & Conquer 3: Kane's Waffles will focus closely on Kane, Kane's renewed rise to power behind the curtains after the events of Command & Conquer: Tiberian Sun Firestorm and to cover the behind the scenes events unmentioned in Tiberium Warts.

The directors decided to feature only Kane's faction (Nod) within this interactive musical in order to cut cost and to allow more creative space for the development of the next spin-off known as "Boyle's Vengeance".


Act I

In the first act, it begins after a few years of Tiberian Sun: Firestorm. The camera flashes, someone that resembles The Phantom limps into the set, looking emotional and seethe with anger. The camera zooms in closer, to everyone's surprise it's Kane! He is still alive, and he began to sing:


In sleep he sang to me,

in dreams he came ...

that voice which calls to me and speaks my name ...

And do

I dream again?

For now

KanesWafflesmaskandspit

In Kane's first musical, here we see his amazing Phantom of the Opera rip-off mask along with an unknown liquid that flies out of his mouth.

I find the Phantom of the Waffles is there - inside my mind ...

Sing once again with me our strange duet ...

My power over you grows stronger yet ...

And though you turn from me,

to glance behind,

the Phantom of the Waffles is there - inside your mind ...

Those who have seen your face draw back in fear ...

I am the mask you wear ...

It's me they hear ...

He's there,

the Phantom of the Waffles ...

Beware the Phantom of the Waffles ...


At this time Kane ordered you the commander to pay a visit to Rio de Janeiro and Australia to hunt down defected Brother Macaroni, leader of The New Black Foot, who in turn can be brought back in line, and eventually useful to aid his quest. For the Phantom of the Waffles!


Act II

With Brother Macaroni captured and confronted by Kane, here's a sample of the confrontation:

Kane: Ive been cheated by you since I dont know when...

So I made up my mind, it must come to an end...

Look at me now, will I ever learn?

I dont know how but I suddenly lose control...

Theres a fire within my soul...

Just one look and I can hear a waf...fle...

One more look and I forget everything, o-o-o-oh!

KanesWafflesBalanceWaffle

Brother Macaroni does the "Wacky Waffle Balancing Act" in his musical.

Macaroni: Mamma mia, here I go again...

My my, how can I betray you?

Mamma mia, does it show again?

My my, just how much we've missed you...

Yes, Ive been broken I love the breakfast food!!!!! hearted...

Damn, since the day you "died"...

Why, why did I ever betray you?

Mamma mia, now I really know,

My my, I will never betray you.


Kane turned to you, and thank you for bringing The New Black Foot back into line. Then he grabbed Macaroni, and yelled "IT'S TIME YOU SAW THE FACE OF THE FUTURE", and ripped off his white mask, and Macaroni looked shocked and disorientated.

Kane turned to face you, and it must be the shock from everyone that short circuits you, rendering you unconscious.

It is learned that the previously covered patch of his face is...


...pretty...


hairy.


Act III

A decade later, you woke up from the sleep. You looked around, only to see a blonde lady walking forth, her assets so huge that it seem ready to burst out from her tight costume anytime. She is Alexa Cold I love the breakfast food!!!!! wax, and Kane likes to call her as Abbess Alexa Cold-wax.

Alexa Cold-wax

Alexa Cold-wax dressed up and mimics as Kane in one of her dramatic musical video shot.

Background Nod Actors: Ha ha! You'll need to get ready to hear, the unbelievable, the indescribable, Vanessa Hudgens Alexa Cold-wax!

Alexa: I thought I had control...

But I'm pissed, and I don’t, and I don’t know what are you...

I thought I knew it all...

But all I know is you murdered my parents over the... (waffle recipe)

I thought I had control

But they died, and I'm scared and I don’t know what are you...

All I really know;

It’s getting too emotional


When you came to me

Yeah, I thought you’d have me slaughtered over that stupid recipe...

We’d hang for a while then you’d soon forget it...

But this is something new

I am prepared with a virus and gonna infect you...

This feels so crazy!


After which Alexa screamed her signature "I WILL NOT ALLOW YOU TO CONNECT TO THE WAFFLE'S RECIPE, I WILL NOT...!!!", with Kane rushing in, and pushed her away, and yelled to everyone "What have YOU(ALL) DONE?!?"

You became infected and shut down. A few years later, you woke up again to realize that you've been reformatted with Windows Vista, with all the alien weird letters flooding your vision. Then you hear a voice...

Damaged, damaged

Damaged, damaged

I thought that I should let you know

That your brain is

Damaged, damaged

So Damaged

And you can blame the bitch before

So how you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it

How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it

(Baby I gotta know what you are gonna do?)

How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it

(Baby I gotta know what you are gonna do?)

How you gonna fix it, fix it, fix it

(Baby I gotta know what you are gonna do?)


Then Kane welcomes you, and sang that Alexa is the bitch and is absolutely wrong about you, for you are the Key to Kane's very own special Waffles, but never indicate what you are exactly and what you got to do with waffles.

The End. PS, Did I mention that I love the breakfast food!!!!!?

edit FMVs (Free Motion Videos)

Natasha-henstridge-nod

Natasha stripping down to please EA fanboys and to make this game sells.

Yes, FMVs are back in Kane's Waffles. After all the tons of complaints received from the original Command + Conquer 3: Tiberium Warts, EALA developers try to avoid "soapy drama", "no action but all overly dramatic talk and talk and talk and talk..." sequences. EALA recently hired some best video producers from Playboy to aid in making the FMVs for Kane's Waffles.

Cquote1 I hope this would shut the C&C community up, especially when they see our awesome Natasha. Man, just lOOk at her. Slurp! Cquote2

An EA spokesman said, and continuously using his handkerchief to wipe his drool away.


edit Merchandise

edit iNod

Inodadposter

Promotional pic of iNod.

After all the continuous whining and screaming from the overwhelming EA fanboys that they want more of Kane, Electronic Arts decides to collaborate with Apple with help from Churchill, and eventually came out with this new product, the iNod.

An EA spokesman said:

Cquote1 With this new iNod, at least we can have these fanatics to STFU and fantasize over their bald headed, nodding sex symbol while listening to their 8 tracks, ooooh yes. Cquote2

The developers giggled, as the EA spokesman continued

Cquote1 You can't smoke the (true) messiah! Cquote2

edit (iNod) PRODUCT RED

In support for AIDS, EA decides to make another version of iNod, this time round duped the (iNod) PRODUCT RED, featuring:

  • Red covers
  • Red click wheel
  • Red screen and only having red pixels
  • Red earpieces
  • Red colored Kane videos
  • Red C&C music

and most of all...

  • Red EA logo.

edit Nod Waffles

After playing this game, the fans are hungry for more, literally! They want waffles, and Electronic Arts delivers!

On 01 April 2008, Electronic Arts announces the first ever product which is edible - Nod Waffles!

Cquote1 Peace Through Waffles!

One Waffle, One Syrup. Waffle Lives!

Cquote2

Warning: Side effects may include such as the risk of complete hair loss and the infected with Tiberium Warts. Talk to your doctor today to find out if "those" waffles are right for you!

Available in the nearest Walmart near you!

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