User:ASHPD/Command & Conquer: Read Alert

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Command & Conquer: Red Alert is a series of real time strategy video games set between the Command & Conquer and Chuck Norris universe. The series is well known for having some of the most quirky and outlandish acting in the genre.

edit Command & Conquer: Read Alert


Nod was actually around years before the first game; here we see Hitler after being hit by their "Nod Missile", while playing the popular theme Hell March.

A little known fact about the "Read Alert" Series is that it was not in fact created by the same people who created the original series. In truth the entire "Read Alert" series was the creation of a team of top scientists headed by Stephen Hawking and Chuck Norris. They had developed a time machine and much like Einstein in the game decided that returning to the past to remove Hitler from history would save a great many lives. After many calculations Chuck Norris was sent back to the trenches of World War I and just as a young Hitler survived the shell blast that destroyed the dugout he was sheltering in he was confronted and roundhouse kicked by Chuck Norris thus removing him from history (such is the power of the Chuck Norris roundhouse kick.) Due to this heroic deed by Chuck Norris, a multiplayer map in Read Alert 2 got named after his famous roundhouse kick. Chuck Norris then returned to the present only to discover that by erasing Hitler the balance of power had been irrevocably shifted causing the Cold War to become a full scale war just as it does in the game. The team of scientists were then struck with a problem, in order to return the world to its rightful state, Chuck Norris must be stopped from removing Hitler. However if Chuck himself were sent back to stop it himself it might result in an irresistible force meeting an immovable object which had the danger of causing the implosion of the universe. So Mr T and Vin Diesel had to be swiftly recruited and sent back in time. Between them they managed to delay Chuck Norris long enough to allow Hitler to escape and history to proceed normally. The team of scientists, having learned their lesson about meddling with time, created the Read Alert series to act as a cautionary tale to prevent anyone else trying a similar thing.

The same team of scientists is considering making a sequel due to the success of the previous game, they plan to use real life experience, a Time Machine, and Chuck Norris once again.

edit Command & Conquer: Read Alert 2

Mother Russia

The red colored territory are places conquered by Borat.

And Chuck Norris is back again in this sequel! Yes thank to the success of Read Alert (and the Time Machine), this time round Kazakhstan decide to attack U.S. and A.. Sending a special agent known as Borat, he was assigned to invade U.S. and A..

Before that, Borat was about to have sexy time with his sister, the number 4 top prostitute in Kazakhstan and he receive the Kazakhstan Army's call. Disappointed that he can't have sexy time with his sister, he entered US and A feeling very horny. He saw Pamela Anderson and decides to use the psychic rice sack to capture her, so that she'll be under Borat's horny control. Then BAM! Chuck Norris appeared and saves the day!

Unfortunately Pamela Anderson, under Borat's rice sack psychic control, killed Chuck Norris with her gigantic assets. US and A decide to use the Time Machine to change the course of events. The US and A recruited Mr T and Vin Diesel again, this time teleported to Kazakhstan aa decade ago to thwart their evil plans.

A decade ago...

This time it involves the nuclear arms race between the U.S. and A., Mother Russia, China, North Korea, Iraq, India, Pakistan and Kazakhstan. The main difference is that, in American campaign you must now seek out any hostile acts towards your country against Christians and Conservatives, no matter how minor. Once you have declared that someone has made an act of war, you can proceed with the ship and airborne bombardment, and then land the Marines.


In-game Screenshot of a U.S. and A. unit, TEH FRIGGIN TANK!

However, the Mother Russian campaign offers the player to imagine he's Osama bin Laden and he has to destroy both Recycling and Halo 2. Early in the game, America manages to nuke the glorious Mother Russia, but a completely MAD Romanian psychologist called Traitor Urine cathes all of the missiles and eats them. But after these events, Americans fired again Mr T and Vin Diesel and this time round to use the Stargate to teleport troops stready to Moscow, and the Soviet premier was arrested by a German Neo-Nazi agent, Tony La Russa.

The games ends when Heero Yuy wins the political election, stops the prosecution, throws all Liberals onto Monster Island, and returns Christmas to Florida's schools.

Detonating a nuclear bomb in the enemies capital leads to an instant win-bonus points are given if you can blame it on terrorists or the countries own military.

Note: Loosely based off the events of WWIII, the famous NAVY SEAL Tanya makes a cameo in this game.

Another Note: Completing this game in less than two hours will unlock nude Tanya FMVs.

edit Command & Conquer: Urine's Revenge

You thought the war was over? Think again! Borat's accomplice, a.k.a. Urine is back for a vengeance!

The Urine's Revenge story follows the end of Read Alert 2 from the Allies side of things. As they said at the party, "of course the good guys always win." Even though the Allies managed to beat back the forces of evil, one particular component of that evil managed to escape. Urine. Possibly the most dangerous of all of the bad guys due to his great understanding of erection control, he was not the person that the Allies should have missed. After the Borats' collapse, Urine broke out on his own to try to take the world through erection domination. He's got a bunch more of the erection emitter jobbies planted all over the world, poised for use. Lucky for everyone, good old Doc Einstein managed to dream up a little time travel device that will let you travel back to the war you just fought to try to eliminate Urine. You'll plop right down in the middle of the fight in a few different cities such as San Francisco, Seattle, and Los Angeles while you try to track him down. But you don't just have to worry about the Borat this time. Urine has his very own faction, complete with a whole lot of new unique units, buildings and technologies. That's right, a whole new faction!

Eventually after days of playing, Urine died after the Allies used Urine's weapon of mass erection against Urine himself. You know it, he died after his ***** over erected and exploded. Boom!

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