User:4096.256.16.1/workshop/HowTo: Survive 2 Months in Prison

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edit Basic Concept

  • Short Term Prison Survival Guide
  • Week By Week Too Long For Day To Day
  • Common Inmates & How To Identify Them (APPENDIX)
  • 6 Quick Prison Shivs (APPENDIX)
  • More To Come

(Current Rating: Incomplete) HowTo: Survive 2 Months in Prison Removed A Month For Ease Of Writing

edit Introduction

So. Your ass in prison, or will be shortly, which is why you're reading this. Hopefully, if you've got a few brain-cells to rub together, you can survive your short stint in the lock-up. If not, well... lets just say that you'll be the tunnel. So, get reading, and hopefully, you'll come out of your prison experience with your dignity in tact and some handy hints for life on the outside.

edit Orientation

Prison isn't like the shitty junior-league sports you played as a little kid; there isn't a gradual warm-up, with time to hone your skills and practice. You're in the deep end from the minute you slip into your jumpsuit. To survive in prison, you need to quickly establish yourself as someone who isn't to be messed with, or someone under the protection of someone who isn't to be messed with. Considering the ass-hat that you are, the second option is probably for you. But, just because the big Russian in Cell Block 26G said he's got your back, doesn't mean your safe.

When you first arrive, keep an eye out for the [[HowTo: Survive 2 Months in Prison#Common Inmates & How To Identify Them|UnUsual suspects]]. Remember where their cells are, and get to know your way around the building and exercise yard as quickly as possible.
RULE ONE: Trust No-Body... Everyone is out to get you.

edit Your Cell

This is going to be home for a while, you might as well get used to it. Most cells are very boring, a bunk bed( if you're unlucky) or a single bed (if you are lucky). If you're unlucky, your going to have a cell mate. More often then not, this is bad, very bad. Sometimes you'll get a nice one, but with your luck, you'll be sharing 10 square metres of concrete with a serial murderer with an unhealthy obsession with small children, and refers to you as "sweet cheeks". You're going to be spending a lot of time in here, so get used it.
RULE TWO: Never assume you're room is empty. Check everywhere for intruders, and search the bed before getting in. You can never be too careful!

edit Exercise Yard

This is where you'll have to keep your back to the wall... literally. Because you're not going to be in here for the rest of your life, you aren't expected to join Prison Gangs or form close knit groups of escapees, with an overly complicated escape plan involving the blueprints of the prison tattooed over a fellow inmates body. This means that if you stay by yourself, or just a small group of prisoners, you won't have to commit to any life-long bonds, which equates to excess baggage once you've served your time in the big P.

During the Mandatory Exercise Period, keep a low profile, don't stand out, blend in. Do not, however, blend in so much that they mistake you for one of their "Friends". Also, don't isolate yourself to such a degree that you become vulnerable. It may seem difficult, but once you have the basics of the Exercise Yard mastered, you are well on you're way to surviving the coming Weeks.

edit Cafeteria/Dining Hall

You might have noticed that the food here in Prison is awful, but think about it, if that behemoth behind the counter was ladling out Truffles and Cream instead of reconstituted Beef supplement #2146, then inmates would be inclined to stay, and Prison would be an attractive prospect for people who can't cook, or are sick or McShit Burgers for lunch everyday. Essentially, the food they serve here only looks like the stuff they tell you, and is pumped full of sedatives and other pharmaceutical nasties to make you criminal scum more docile.
RULE THREE: Do not ever eat the Potatoes

edit Getting Settled

So far so good, you've evaded the notice of most of the really nasty inmates, but you're starting to look like an attractive prospect for that weird fat guy down the Hall. If you're going to keep a strike-free record, then you're going to need to start building up that reputation we were talking about earlier. Firstly, you must prove to the other inmates that you're not the easy-type. This is the hard part, as you're not exactly going to be able to best these guys in a fight.

So, This is where you have to actually put some effort into staying alive, and avoid certain, unwanted events. Basically everyone in Prison will be pumping iron, or packing shivs. Sorta like those guys that hang around in the alley across from your house... you know... the one's that want your money so they can buy drugs. To make it on the inside, you're going to need a lot of help. Firstly, you can drop your strong and silent type attitude... something you shouldn't drop is the soap... ever. You're going to need to establish yourself in this place if you're going to last the next six weeks, because I doubt you could stay under the radar for that long, considering that to them, you are just some more delicious man-candy. Now, for the first time in your life, you're going to have to exercise (walking to the corner store for a bucket of deep-fryer grease doesn't count, lard-ass).

edit Getting Cigarettes

Full Ashtray
By now you've got the cravings, your hands are getting jittery and you think that it has been an eternity since your last cigarette. The problem is, Kaptain Killjoy over there has deemed them "contraband", so you're going to have either Dumpster Dive in the guards trash cans for some pre-loved fags or resort to shifty black market dealings to get your mitts on some of that precious nicotine.

Your first stop should the garbage bins of your prison. The best way to do this is to get onto the Inmate Garbage Disposal Team, essentially a bunch of prisoners who serve as Garbo's for the entire facility, or to join a roadside chain-gang to patrol the highways for the elusive discarded butt. Sure, its demeaning, tiresome labour, but the reward of satisfying those cravings is worth it.

The only problem with dumpster/roadside cigarettes is your going to need to light them. (The fact that you are inhaling an array of deliciously toxic chemicals easily compensates for the foul taste and human saliva present on the cigarette itself) Getting a match can be as tricky as avoiding guard dogs when your covered in steak juice. Snitching is your best option for matches and/or lighters.

Conserving matches is critical, so here are a few tips n making them last longer:

  • Use your shank to split the match (head and shaft) into two, doubling the number of usable matches!
  • Maintain your flint in a cool dry place, so it can last the many weeks you'll need it
  • Invest in a candle, which can serve as flame-storage

edit Being a Snitch

Half the problem in Prison is the guards. Not only do those big, brutish Neanderthals have a penchant for breaking your limbs and beating you senseless, they also will idly standby and let other inmates lay some serious smack-down on your ass, because they couldn't be bothered doing anything to help you. There is, however, a solution to this predicament, but it is not without consequence. Snitching. That's right, ratting out fellow inmates is the only way to get anywhere without resorting to becoming someone's bitch.

Snitching is dangerous, and if discovered by the other inmates, then you won't be able to sit down for a week due to the severity of their reprisal(s). So, be careful, only wear your snitch hat every other Tuesday, and sit on information for a while, the less visits to the Wardens office the better.

To be a snitch, just do a bit snooping now and then, keep your ears and eyes open, and your mouth shut. You should maintain a state of hyper-alertness, not only for your own safety, but to pick any useful information that could be used in your snitching. However, being all hyperactive and ultra-tense, you're also going to start being paranoid. This is a good thing, because in prison, everyone is out to get you, just deal with it, take the blue pill twice a day and move on.

edit Family Visits

Extra Fusion
Your family might not have disowned you, but you will forever be the "Black Sheep". Their visits will be few and far between, so make yourself presentable; dress shank-wounds, shave, remove some of the more unsightly tangles of matted hair, as well as any blood-stains from your jumpsuit, you know, stuff you used to do on the outside to make yourself slightly less abhorrent.

Your Family are essentially your only window to the world outside of this prison, they are also your only source of free contraband. Certain things are easier to smuggle in, such as a lighter or match. Whereas, say, a lunch-box full of Semtex is highly conspicuous, and is best smuggled in smaller pieces, disguised as chewing-gum.

edit Parole Board

To get out on parole, you're going to have to face the Parole Board Interview. So lets start off with some basic Interview Technique. As the saying goes, "Prior Preparation Prevents Piss Poor Performance". So here's a few preparation tips, to get you out on Parole FAST!

  • Dress to impress. It is important that you are as well presented as possible. Be sure to send out a positive image, someone who is reformed and ready to return to the community. The Wild-Man look is NOT a good idea.
  • Make sure that you listen to, understand and answer. Otherwise, they'll think you're psychotic, so the Silent Treatment will not help you here.
  • Take your cue from the Board's reaction, as to whether you are babbling too much or not enough. Try to sound desperate and needy, perhaps they will pity you and grant you Parole.
  • State your views clearly and firmly but don't argue with the interviewer. If you talk back, you'll be sent back.
  • Use humour with caution. Remember, you are dealing with professional pains in the ass. They may not find your jokes about their boss funny, and you could be facing a one-way to federal pound-me-in-the-arse prison or a long stint in solitary.


edit Common Inmates & How To Identify Them

  • The Thug- A small time brawler, in because of a Public Disturbance charge. The stock standard inmate, often black and capable of using their numbers to start prison-wide gangs. Useful for starting a riot or as cannon fodder, otherwise just a crowd for you blend in with.
  • The Meat Head- A gym junkie, with more muscle then mental ability. Frequenting the exercise yard and Prison Gym, they are dangerous, and will attack if provoked. Useful if they're on your side, otherwise considered a threat.
  • The Joker- A comedian, with a nastier side. Beware, they may seem an amiable person, but cross them, and it won't be nearly as funny as that one about Curley's mum. For some reason, The Joker seems to take delight in face painting... No-one knows why.
  • The Rapist- Usually psychotic, these deluded and depraved inmates are a rare breed, but nonetheless have a distinct presence in the prison community. Their abhorrent sexual tastes may be turned upon you, so avoid at all times and all costs.
  • The Smooth Criminal- A fast talking crook, who plays the field. They know everything and everyone, a useful resource. Not much of a fighter, they will usually have back-up, and hold a high position in whatever organisation they find themselves in.
  • The Lunatic- Completely insane, these inmates are highly dangerous, and will attack you on sight. Tough, cunning and persistent, if you piss one off, you're boned. They will hunt you down, stalk you, lay traps for you, set you on fire and dance around as you slowly burn into an unrecognisable pile of charred humanity.

edit 6 Quick Prison Shivs

1. The Wire The fences around the exercise yard are generally made of woven wire. Over time, these wires fray, and if you're lucky, you can pry a strand loose. Hide it in your sleeve, and once in the relative privacy of your own cell, straighten and sharpen. Handles of tightly wound string or rubber-bands are best for this very narrow shiv.
2. Plexiglass Painter A shard of plexiglass, sharpened to a point is a great choice. Lightweight, concealable and sturdy, this shiv ticks all the boxes. Handles can be moulded in, however a rubber sleeve or tape covering is best.
3. Screw-Driver Getting your hands on a Screwdriver is hard work. Lifting it from the sign-shop, or filching it from the janitor is your best option. Works fairly well, but will require sharpening to a uniform point. Aim for arterial systems, they will cause the most damage, or simply use to puncture the windpipe.
4. Bed Slat Beauty Wrenching a strip of metal from your bed is a viable source of shiv material, especially considering the rust, which can easily lead to tetanus. Remember to include a handle!
5. Barbed Boxer The very masses of tangled death preventing escape can be used as weapons, however they are very difficult to acquire. A better bet are thumb-tacks or sharpened pieces of paper-clips. These lovely metal fragments should be punctured through the knuckles of a gardening glove, to add extra punch to your punches!
6. Shearer's Friend Gardening or Maintenance Detail gives you access to untold wealth in the shiv department. Garden Shear Blades are already sharp, and working them into a shiv is easy. A short handle and this baby is going to be as a good a proper knife. Sharpen if required.

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