User:188.8.131.52/Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
“Most of my quotes, real or made up, were inspired by this tome.”
Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass is a series of books written by Michael Jackson. The Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass books are marketed towards young children, yet many adults find them inspiring and uplifting. The original book, Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass, is currently the number one bestseller in every English speaking country, and some Spanish speaking countries too. Jackson reccomends all three books personally as a bedtime story for young children, and claims that he reads nothing else to children who stay over at Neverland Ranch.
Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass
The 1993 book that started it all, Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass tells of the many freedoms Jesus died fighting the Romans for, but focuses on one specific freedom, namely, the freedom to get fucked in the ass. The story told in this book differs slightly than the story told in the Bible: In the Bible, God condemns sodomy as a sin, but in Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass, God condems not committing sodomy as a sin. In Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass, the Romans are portrayed as evil Satanist attorneys from California who attempt to persecute Jesus just because he wants to fuck a child in the ass.
- Spoiler Alert! Spoilers follow. If you don't want to know whether or not Jesus gets to fuck a child in the ass, don't read on.
Nope, the Romans kill him on a cross, which symbolizes the Romans' belief that fucking people in the ass automatically makes you a vampire. But in the end the Romans go to Hell, which is depicted in Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass as a place just like the normal world except you can't fuck anyone in the ass there.
Jesus Died So You Could Get A Reacharound
The sequel to Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass, Jesus Died So You Could Get a Reacharound was released 12 years later in 2005. In the story, the Romans apologize to God and Jesus for what they now see as sins, and say they are willing to let Jesus fuck children in the ass. God, disappointed that He has to stop listening to Thriller for a moment just to talk to the Romans, angrily says that they can have a second chance at life if they fuck Jesus in the ass and give him a reacharound. The Romans decline, but by this point the Lord just wants the Romans to shutteth thine fuck up so He ignores the decline and moves their souls back to earth anyways.
The Romans don't want to go through with this, because really, would you have the balls to fucking give Jesus a handjob? So Caligula comes up with a plan: if he fucks Jesus in the ass so hard that the lord and saviour ejaculates within two seconds, he can tell God that he had no time to give Jesus a reacharound and be let off the hook. He takes two hundred and thirty four Viagras, walks ten yards behind Jesus's ass to get a running start, and fucks Jesus right in the ass. God sees this and sends Caligula's ass back to Hell, saying "When I say I see everything, that includes when you fuck my son in the ass. You didn't give him a reacharound, so back to Hell you go." The Romans burn in Hell for the rest of eternity, but everyone else lives happily ever after.
Jesus Died So You Could Get Pegged
The most requent book in the Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass, Jesus Died So You Could Get Pegged is the sequel to Jesus Died So You Could Get A Reacharound. Released in 2006, Jesus Died So You Could Get Pegged focuses around even more Romans, who are really pissed at Jesus over the events of the last two books. Caligula's successor Claudius devises a way to defeat Jesus once and for all: They offer to give him a fuck in the ass with a special half-century-old dildo hand crafted by Julius Caesar. Jesus accepts, because who wouldn't accept the opportunity to be fucked in the ass by a half-century-old dildo hand crafted by fucking Julius Caesar? However Claudius is deceptive in this regard, as the dildo he intends to fuck Jesus in the ass with is not a half-century-old didlo hand crafted by Julius Caesar, but a spear made in a factory by Augustus. Claudius stabs Jesus in the ass with the spear, then hangs him on the cross by his ass.
Many fans of the series are disappointed that this book does not have a happy ending, but Jackson defends the ending, saying that sometimes, getting fucked in the ass is a tragedy.
Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass In A Movie Theater
Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass In A Movie Theater is a 2004 movie directed by Mel Gibson. The movie tells the same story told in Jesus Died So You Get Get Fucked In The Ass, because of this, many moviegoers felt ripped off that there wasn't a new story of Jesus and getting fucked in the ass. Roger Ebert famously said of the movie, "The only thing that got fucked in the ass in a movie theater was my wallet!"
Jesus Died So You Could Virtually Get Fucked In The Ass
Jesus Died So You Could Virtually Get Fucked In The Ass is a 2006 video game released by HAL Laboratory. Released on the GameCube, Jesus Died So You Could Virtually Get Fucked In The Ass is a stealth game in the vein of Metal Gear Solid, where players take on the role of Jesus and try to walk over to the children and fuck them in the ass without getting noticed by Romans.
Pope Benedict XVI criticized Jesus Died So You Could Virtually Get Fucked In The Ass because in the game Jesus can use cigarettes that he smokes to reveal hidden laser traps, and he believes Jesus smoking sets a bad role model for children. Also, Jack Thompson thinks the game is too bloody.
A sequel to be released on the Wii is already in the works, it is tentatively called Jesus Died So You Could Virtually Get Fucked In The Ass By A Wii.
Criticisms of the Jesus Died So You Could Get Fucked In The Ass series
Some critics say the series isn't appropriate for minors.