Urban bigfoot sightings
From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
Scientists are convinced that Bigfoot is abandoning his traditionally remote and solitary existence in favor of the glitz and glamour of the big city. As more urban dwellers are reporting close encounters with the big fellow and his relatives, the question of his existence is in the news and on the minds of everyone from the shotgun-owners of Alabama to the hypochondriacs of Montana. This phenomenon, commonly known to researchers as “Bigfoot Urbanization”, has left in its wake thousands of confused Bigfoot aficionados who do not comprehend the shift in habitat for the customarily shy and unassuming creatures.
edit History (Hysteria?)
In recorded history, the relocation of Bigfoot-type creatures to urban centers has occurred only once, in an event that has been thoroughly documented and is well-understood. That temporary migration was triggered in 1967 after the infamous "Patterson-Gimlin" film. This film clearly showed a female Bigfoot walking across a clearing. After the film's release, thousands of Bigfoot-seekers intruded the peaceful habitat of a Bigfoot clan. To escape the curiosity seekers, these Bigfoot ramblers followed the “Summer of Love” population influx into the Haight-Ashbury district of San Francisco. There, they were able to assimilate into the masses of hairy, ill-smelling hippies who, not only resembled the Bigfoots, but were too high on psychoactive drugs to notice or care about the huge creatures in their midst. During that incursion, there were many sightings of Bigfoots sitting quietly in the back of jazz bars enjoying a beer, not only with other Bigfoots but with the hairier members of the human population whom they had befriended. These sightings were initially dismissed as LSD-induced hallucinations but additional research uncovered credible eyewitnesses and extremely detailed and credible accounts collected through hypnosis sessions with hundreds of jazz bar patrons and former hippie roommates of Bigfoots.
edit Appearance(s can be deceiving!)
Said to weigh 600 to 1,200 pounds and stand 7 to 9 feet tall. The males and females of the species are clearly different, curiously humanoid. Covered with hair, one might think they are bears or gorillas, but, other than the size and the hair, Bigfoots closely resemble humans. According to certain individuals Big Foots are responsible for mass rape in the village of Garministan in Eastern Russia (right around the corner from China). They reported that bigfoots in fact were only 200 pounds and about 6 up to 6.5 feet tall. These numbers obviously are not based on any facts. In fact it is much more likely they are 600 to 1,200 pounds and 7 to 9 feet tall. But the woman who were raped claimed this was not true that is why there is a rumour circulating about this rumour that it in fact was a group of very drunk Russian soldiers who raped the people in that village. Then again they also said George W Bush was involved.
They are known to live in "families," with the females frequently shopping for shoes and, like humans, exchanging them because they told the shoe salesman they needed a size smaller than they actually wear! The males can frequently be spotted standing in groups, consuming beer and peeing in the woods.
The current urbanization trend is less easy to explain, as there has been no recent uptick in Bigfoot interest of the kind that caused the 1967 event. One researcher expressed a belief that these new urban sightings are the result of a natural evolutionary maneuver to “join the mainstream” or face being left in the extinction dustbin shared by other species that failed to adapt, like the dodo bird. Urban centers that have experienced a rash of Bigfoot sightings include New York, Chicago, Detroit, Seattle, Los Angeles, Las Vegas, and Palm Springs. In Flat Rock, near Detroit, autoworkers reported seeing Bigfoot on the line, installing doors on new Ford Mustangs. In New York there have been several reports of Bigfoot panhandlers in the financial district, including an incident which appears to have escalated into violence when a Wall Street broker tried to pass some worthless stock certificates to a Bigfoot creature in exchange for a squeegee wash. In Las Vegas there have been reports of Bigfoots working keno tables and valet parking stands. In Los Angeles, a threatened longshoreman strike resulted when a number of Bigfoots were sighted unloading ships, igniting fears that shipping companies were replacing union workers with the brawnier non-union Bigfoots, allowing ships to be loaded more quickly with less workers. In Chicago, there have been reports of Bigfoot census takers. In Palm Springs, Bigfoots have been spotted driving limos and performing domestic maintenance and service tasks like cleaning swimming pools and walking dogs. These Bigfoots have displayed sophisticated adaptation skills and have made use of clever gimmicks to ensure success; for example, the Palm Springs limo driver sightings were not easily confirmed as the creatures used “bus driver” caps to mask their true identities.
Bigfoot sightings in Seattle have involved less skilled, less domesticated activities, as Seattle is close to Bigfoot’s roots and is thus subjected to a recently urbanized, less refined population of Bigfoots. Recently transitioned Bigfoots who have not had time to develop assimilation skills are more likely to engage in traditional Bigfoot behaviors, such as turning over trash cans, raiding trailer parks, terrorizing teenage girls, etc.
edit Why? (Is this happening?)
Bigfoot researchers and animal behavior scientists note that the recent surge in urban Bigfoot activity is unusual; however, it is not wholly unexpected and is probably not something to be concerned about. Bigfoot may very well become more prevalent in urban areas and the species seems well positioned to succeed in today’s dog-eat-dog urban climate. In fact, Haight-Ashbury Bigfoot researchers claim that had the hippie movement continued in strength into the Seventies we might very well have Bigfoot creatures established in human populations today as well-assimilated, valuable members of the urban scene. Such a scenario finds Bigfoot employed in useful, even professional occupations, joining the ranks of businessmen and educators, while having already conquered the sports and entertainment industries.
Unfortunately, the Seventies brought in fashion disasters such as pants suits and polyester sport coats as well as entertainment catastrophes such as cheesy sitcoms; the types of human activity abhorred by creatures as sensitive as Bigfoot. Researchers believe the last straw for Bigfoot was the citizens band radio craze of the mid-seventies which saw blatant disregard of sacred territory as millions of ordinary citizens, from housewives to pimple-faced teenagers, invaded airways that for so many years had been the exclusive domain of the Nation’s proud brotherhood of long-haul truck drivers; a painful reminder to Bigfoot of the territorial malfeasance that had begun his urban odyssey less than ten years previously. While it is believed that the release to theaters of “Smoky and the Bandit”, with its fun-filled antics and the anti-authority message that so well resonates in the Bigfoot community, went a long way toward repairing the wounds opened up by CB mania it did not go far enough to prevents Bigfoot’s departure from human society.
Scientists believe we have learned valuable lessons in the years since Seventies culture initiated the mass exodus of Bigfoot back to his native habitats, and there is universal hope that this time there are no such human debacles to discourage this very positive move on the part of the big fellow to assert himself once and for all into the societal mainstream.