From Uncyclopedia, the content-free encyclopedia
An Unspoiled Virgin is an extraordinarily uncommon breed of female humans, almost never occurring in nature for more than thirteen years (five in Japan if they're lucky enough not to get raped in an alleyway) at any one time. The unspoiled virgin (hereafter referred to as: unspoiled virgin) is a common ingredient in jewish sacrificial rituals, pornographic pictures and videos, and High School keggers. The term should not be confused with the similar term virjin (see below); unlike virjins, unspoiled virgins are guaranteed to be virginal, rather than simply single and lying. According to the Knowledgeable Book of Knowledge, approximately 3 out 1,000 women are unspoiled virgins. 1 in 1,000,000 women are hot unspoiled virgins. Good luck finding one.
Considered a myth by most High School graduates, unspoiled virgins have the unusual physical quality of being more sexually attractive than moderately-sexually-experienced women.
A common idea in pop-psychology, the idea that the unspoiled virgin is more physically attractive is the result of those people most commonly around unspoiled virgins (i.e. high-school males) having a physical disorder known as Horribleinbedophrenia, rather than the unspoiled virgin objectively possessing a special quality.
edit Identifying Unspoiled Virgins
Identifying unspoiled virgins is generally considered one of the most difficult aspects of judging potential pieces of ass. Sometimes unspoiled virgins cannot be identified on first or second glance at her upskirt photo taken with a cellphone. It often requires several upskirt photos, or possibly even direct looks at her face. The following is a guide at identifying such unspoiled virgins:
- 1. First, take a good look at her. Is she sucking on a lollipop? If so, is she doing it in a way that's overtly erotic? If so, then holy fuck, you're NOT dealing with an unspoiled virgin.
- 2. Say the word "sex". Or better yet, have your suave, less pimply jock friend do it. If she blushes and giggles uncontrollably, then chances are that you have an unspoiled virgin... although after sending your jock buddy over there, there is little chance she'll ever be an unspoiled virgin again. Ever.
- 3. Seriously, if you have mental superpowers that can make his head asplode, now would be the time to use them.
- 4. Of course, if you had those powers, you'd have already nailed her by now.
edit The Virjin
Contrasted to the Unspoiled Virgin, the Virjin is a girl who has had sex "only three or four times" (i.e. with three or four different people) and, considering she is no longer in a relationship with any of those males that pumped her brains full of semen and/or she has found Jesus, or is no longer in a relationship with Jesus, does not publicly consider any of her previous intimate experience to have occurred. That is to say, she is a liar. These girls vehemently deny any claim that they have had sexual intercourse in previous times, even when faced with undeniable proof, such as video footage. Theorists believe such girls stick to these claims for various reasons, including but not limited to:
- Attracting males who would have sex with her only because they love Hymen Destruction.
- Attracting overly-Christian males who have repressed sexual feeling that are released in the form of hatred towards girls who have gone past "up to bat"-base.
- Being overly-Christian herself, hiding the God-awful truth from the general public.
- Denying pregnancy when faced with a sexless relationship with a husband, or possibly blaming the pregnancy on God.
edit The Gene
The unspoiled virgin possesses an extremely rare recessive gene, which is what sets her apart from others affected by the condition known as virginity. Found on the chromosome 69, the gene can only occur in women, and usually causes extreme cuteness, an uptight feeling of wholesomeness, a naive yet somehow sexy lack of knowledge about the S-word, and an unusually strong faith in whatever god-awful religion is telling her not to have sex. This gene is not to be confused with more common virgin-related genes (such as chromosome 6 or the rarer chromosome 9), which affect carriers in various ways, particularly causing....I LIKE CAKE!!
- D&D playing (World of Warcraft is known in some cases)
- Basement living
- Death (in rare cases due to lack of sunlight)
And in women:
- Itty-bitty-titty-committee membership
- Extreme butterface-icity without access to a paper bag or any way of turning out the lights.
- Usually being less than 13 (5 in Japan if you live in the more urban areas, not that rural areas exist there anymore).
To the average straight male, the most frustrating effect of the gene is its crippling and debilitating effects on the unspoiled virgin's desire to have sex. Those affected by normal virginity find themselves constantly craving a cure for their condition, but seeing it out of reach (Pussy on a Pedestal-itis, or POP It for short), the unspoiled virgin teases and taunts, but won't break off a piece. This may have led to the Backstreet Boys induced rape increase in the late 20th century.
- There is nothing comparable to the taste of an Unspoiled Virgin's lips, except those on her face.
edit Famous Unspoiled Virgins (according to location)
- One in America. she knows who she is.
- None in Europe (Most babes in Europe, especially French babes, like bondage; you know, the "tying you up and hitting you with a whip while playing with your oh-lala using her feet" thing... take note...)
- Many in Africa,
- Plenty in India because the girls tend to fall in "love" when losing their vriginity thus complicating matters for the male of the nation, (also like to act like Divas while being sexually-repressive!)
- Madonna. She is the most pure human being on the planet.
- Of Course, None in Antartica/Artica, coz them babes be "cold as ice, yo"... literally...
- Oceania? hmm... well, they're not famous...
- Asia? If Maria Ozawa, an unspoiled, 1/3 Japanese, 1/3 French, 1/3 Canadian, Nintendo-Wii-playing, cute, hawt AV star is STILL a virgin... then maybe ... (NOTE: AV stands for ADULT VIDEO... Still think she's a virgin?)(NOTE 2: To lose all your hope, I want to inform you that she lost her virginity to her best friend when she was 13, most probably bacause she was too hot and all the guy's testosterone is going to his balls...)
- Not in hell, although it is possible to compensate with many sluts
- In heaven, maybe, but I bet Jesus won't let you get a taste of his "angels"...
- Conclusion: TRY JAPAN... or try Venus... its hot there...