“Just kidding. Get on my level.”
“Big up top end.”
Oscar Wilde •
Benjamin Franklin •
Winston Churchill •
Falsely attributing quotes to Winston Churchill was once the national sport of England, and remains a popular spectator sport. Unfortunately, it was surpassed in popularity by making up Oscar Wilde quotes in the inevitable War-Leader-Made-Up-Quote backlash of the early 1960s. Churchill (1874-1965) was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World War II and again from 1951-1955, and later won the Eurovision Song Contest in 1963 for his international pop hit, Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Cabbage."
The secret to successful fake-quoting of Winston Churchill is to say each quote in a bulldog-like voice, while trying to ignore the fact that bulldogs are unable to speak. Moreover, since most British bulldogs were tragically lost in the Mad Bulldog Disease Epidemic of 1991. Still, despite its decreased popularity, there are many who still strive to keep the game alive. Below is a selection of the best.
Winston Churchill's Most Famous Quotes
Churchill on Government
- "I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: 'I have nothing to offer but blood, sex, money, food, water, shelter, ice cream, monkeys, more sex, rubber bands, and twigs."
- "Now, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is not even the end of the beginning's end. Nor is it the beginning of the end's beginning. Nor the end's beginning of the ending, beginning with what seemed to have been the end of the beginning, when in actual fact it was the beginning of the beginning's end. But, it may be the beginnning of what appeared to be the end of the beginning of the end. That, or the middle."
- "It has been said that democracy is the worst way of throwing an anniversary bash for your wife."
- "There are those who would call us weak; those who would question our resolve; those who would place obstacles in our path; those who would steal our bicycles during tea, and never return them; those who would point out our grammatical inconsistencies, just to be annoying; those who would rain Devonshire cream buns down upon us; those who would blame us for failing to properly train Shane MacGowan's dentist; and those who would give aid and comfort to our Tesco employees; and to them all, I say, 'Try our delicious tinned ham products.'"
- "Gentlemen, please, no fighting in the war room!"
- "And a great Iron Curtain shall descend right the way across the bay windows of my living room"
- "Government, yes, that could work..."
Churchill on War
- "Thank god for the French! If it wasn't for them, the Germans would've never gotten bogged down in all that surrendering, and the Nazis would've crushed us by teatime last Thursday."
- "We shall defend our island, wherever the krauts may be... we shall fight for the bitches, we shall fight in the beach huts, we shall fight on the spanking grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall fight on the boats, we shall fight in the sea, we shall fight over the sea, we shall fight on the pavement, we shall fight in the phone-boxes, we shall fight in the dance halls, we shall fight playing Mortal Kombat II, we shall fight over Britney or Kylie, we shall fight like the brave souls we are; we shall never surrender."
- "Herr Hitler, I ain't no holla back girl."
- "When all else fails, give up and hope they're nice."
- "We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire... And if we do, it shall be the enemy's fault, not ours."
- "We shall show a bit of mercy, but we shall not ask for it very nicely."
- "We shall fight on the football pitches we shall fight on in the grocers, we shall fight in the butchers, the bakers (but not the candlestick makers), we shall fight in Essex at half past eleven on a Friday night, we shall fight in the chemists, we shall fight in the tourist information centres, we shall fight in the supermarket bakeries; we shall probably surrender."
- "Roosevelt says, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself,' but I say we have a hell of a lot to fear. I mean there's the Germans, the Italians, the Japanese, not to mention the Queen. Divine right to rule, my arse."
- "Veni, Vidi, Vicky."
- "We shall fight them outside, and kick their heads in, because they spilled my pint."
- "What's the point, the Royals are all krauts anyway. We surrender."
- "I'd be in the trenches myself, but I am smarter than that."
- "I have had it with these mothafuckin' Germans in these mothafuckin' planes!"
Churchill on America
- "Meeting Franklin Delano Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like getting loaded with it."
- "Eleanor Roosevelt is so homely shes either a man or British."
- "The Bank of America continues successful and even a normal activity."
- "As for Chase Bank, they closed my account after I refused to pay their bloody ATM fees."
- "The problem is that they're over-paid, over-sexed, and over-here. Bloody Yank tourists!"
- "Nigga stole my bike!"
- "I tell you I have a bad feeling, don't build two of them"
- "Where the hell were you people? This war started years ago!"
- "There can never be friendship between the British democracy and the Nazi power, that power which spurns Christian ethics, which cheers its onward course by a barbarous paganism, which vaunts the spirit of aggression and conquest, which derives strength and perverted pleasure from persecution, and uses, as we have seen, with pitiless brutality, the threat of Kraftwerk albums, Werner Herzog movies, Klaus Nomi, Hermann Hesse novels, and blutenschnitzel against us."
- "Herr Hitler, if you're not using the south of France, how about swapsies for Canada and Mick-land?"
- "Fuck the Germans. What? What do you mean, this microphone is 'hot'?"
- "If Hitler invaded Nazi Germany, I would make a favourable comment about Mr. Hitler in the House of Commons."
- "Hitler is old! He shoulda been outta the game YEARS ago, but he can't go home cause he hates his WIFE!! You've seen her at the Christmas parties! She's the crotch pheasant who gets plastered and calls him a RETARD!!!"
- "I bit a German once... tasted like cabbage. Very difficult to get drunk on Nazi bodily fluids, wouldn't you know. But I managed it!"
- "I have to tell you now, that I have received no such undertaking, and in consequence this Nation must all sing together: Hitler has only got one ball, Goering has two but they're very small, Himmler has something similar, and poor old Goebbels has no balls at all."
- "There are forgotten words, nay almost forbidden words, which means more to me than any other. Those words are "Two World Wars and One World Cup!""
Churchill on France
- "Never in the field of human conflict have so many cheese-eating surrender monkeys been owed so little by so many."
- "Mr. DeGaulle, you are to the war what piles are to Lester Piggott."
- "At least we lasted longer than they did."
- "You know, I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than to have to speak to that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion." -Overheard at the first, and last, party thrown by DeGaulle for Englishmen.
- "All the French offer the world is wine, whiny people, and smelly cheese."
- "Going to war without France is like going hunting without your accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
- "Some chicken! No really, they're all terrible cowards."
- "The French, the French, a curious race; they fight with their feet, and fuck with their face!"
- "Damned French! They're a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys, and if it wasn't the for the fact....oh, bloody hell, is this thing on?"
- "The French, I find, are like grown children. They want independence, but they still want you to bail their arses out of trouble every time there's a war on."
- "Are we not supposed to go to war with the french?"
- "The french are like americans...too many of them"
Checoslovaca, Czechoslovakia Cocoaslobka
- "They day I can spell 'Checslovka' is the day I wear my wife's stockings alongside her lace pantaloons."
- "I believe I caught this nce, hopefully it's catching and the bosh will have a hard time dealing with it..." Winston, not realising how close to the tuth he was.
Churchill on Mars
- "Here, gentlemen, I weigh a mere 40 percent of what I weigh on Earth. So, if you please, pass the tinned ham."
- "My only regret for this expedition is that, with all our power, and all our resources, we failed to provide ourselves with a ride home."
Churchill on Futurama
- "We will never serve Bender."
Churchill on Oscar Wilde
- "Oscar Wilde can kiss my chuddies."
- "Ah, you will, Oscar, you will."
- "Gentlemen, I have grave news. I have caught the gay from Mr. Wilde, and I have been dreaming of you all night."
- "A man who likes a small cigar likes a cheroot - look at Oscar if you don't believe me."
- "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you'll be Oscar Wilde."
Churchill on LSD
- "I say, look at the colours, my dear boy, the fucking colours... no, chap, just look at-hey what the fuck is that?"
- "Wow, wouldn't it be totally... rad... if we had, like, canines on the end of our fingers. Yeah, so we could totally slash things up, man. Kind of like... claws. Man, claws, whoa.
- "I may be drunk, but you are a twat. And tomorrow I’ll be drunk again." ~ Winston Churchill
- "Winston, drunk again I see?" "Yeah, well you're a fat bitch."
- "Madam, I may be ugly, but you are drunk." (vomits uncontrollably)
- "OHHHHHH, Clemmie.....Yes(unzipping of trousers)shall I show you where I keep my big cigar?"
- "Madam, I may be drunk, but you shouldn't be complaining, because this beer is making you seem more and more attractive."
- "Madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and in the morning, I will be ugly, and you will be the one who is drunk... ah, shit."
- "We shall, by a process of sublime irony, have reached a stage in this story where eating will be the sturdy child of terror, and regurgitating the twin brother of Norman down the road."
- "You spin me right round, baby right round, like a record baby, right round round round."
- "So anyway, I got pissed at the Conservative Party conference, and they had to drag me off Margaret Thatcher."
- "The traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy, and the lash... and I enjoyed every single throbbing minute of my time in the Admiralty."
- "I've fucked every nationality, and there's nothing dirtier than an Essex girl."
- "Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, ever give up unless they offer Johnny Walker Black."
- "Excuse me, your Majesty, but did you know this antique clock of yours won't flush?"
- "If you have knowledge, let others light their candles with it. If you have a vagina, let others stick their candles in it."
- "I've had more out of alchohol than alcohol has had out of me"blooarrrgghh
- "Happy Birthday, Monica!"
- I'm not as think as you drunk I am....Take me drunk, im home!!
Churchill on Ice
- "We shall, she shall, we all shall for ice shall."
- "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never ever melt the ice while I'm standing on it!"
- "Frankly, scotch is the only thing that makes ice bearable."
- "So THAT'S what's between Margaret Thatcher's legs."
Churchill on Jews
- "What do you mean Hitler's killing them! You could've told me before I went and declared war on the fu...wait, is this thing on? Oh shi..."
- "From the days of Sparticus, Wieskhopf, Karl Marx, Trotsky, Rosa Luxemberg, and Emma Goldman, this world jew conspiracy has been steadily growing. This conspiracy played a definite recognizable role in the tragedy of the French revolution. It has been the mainspring of every subversive movement during the 19th century. And now at last this band of extraordinary personalities from the underworld of the great cities of Europe and America have gripped the Russian people by the hair of their head and have become the undisputed masters of that enormous empire."
Churchill On Guns
- "The ThoPmpson submachine gun; when you absoElutely, positively have to kill every Boche bastard in the room, accept no substitutes."
- "Gentlemen, here's my impression of Al Capone."
- "Remember; keep your boogeypicker off the bang-switch until you're ready to fire."
- "Dammit! Treat that thing like it's always loNaded, because God knows I am!"
- "Know your target and what's beyond it. If I catch you winIging the Duke of Wellington, I'll have your arse."
- "Don't point that fucking thing at anything unless you want to destrSoy it, whatever that thing is... now which thing was I talking about?"
Churchill On Bread
- "I know what I like and that's white, white, white." (Note: This may have actually been a quote on his policy regarding immigration)
- "It's much better soaked in alcohol."
- "Pass me another bottle of sandwiches, will you mate?"
- (Looking at Shakespeare's plays) "I didn't know Breads can write as well. What do you say? He was a bard and not a bread?"
Churchill on Chavs
- "If you'd simply kept me as Prime Minister, we'd not have this problem, now would we?"
- "Some protest fox hunting as being cruel to the fox. Rightly so; the hunters should be running down chavs."
- "My favorite way to kill a chav is to lock him in a round room, and tell him the cigs are in the corner."
- "We've replaced this chav's White Lighting with pure water! Let's see what happens..."
Churchill on Martin Luther King, Jr
- "I had a wet dream."
- "Whose your daddy?."
- "No seriousely dude...Who?"
- "Well ,I loved his Opera."
- "That Chap has got a hell of a point, I tell you."
- "I dont see you dreaming now White boy."
Churchill on Microsoft
- "What? EULA?...MY ASS!"
- "The worst thing that could happen to your ememy."
- "Bastards stole my cigar."
- "Fatal error.......ho down!."
- "Fuck that, I m getting linux biatch."
Stalin Stalin's moustache
- "I want his moustache. I swear its the source of all his power. I mean, before the war, Stalin's army was far worse than ours. Now, he has 20 million men! where did they all come from, you ask? And I say, his moustache."
- "I swear that thing is alive."
- "I bet he cheated and drew it on with a marker pen. No man can ever bear such an awesome arrangement of facial hair."
Churchill on Hitler's moustache
- "He just wanted to fit in."
- "Personally, I think it's hot."
Churchill's Best Advice
On What to Do
- "When going to war, always be nice to the chaps who are fighting; they're probably having a rough time."
- "If you are going through Hell, good. Fuck you. Where's the goddamned hard lemonade Lemm-OHHHHHH-nade! bitches!!"
- "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, ever use excessive word repetition in an attempt to achieve some sort of dramatic effect."
- "When you finally cross the line and reach your destination, gloat not, but rather act like you have been there before. Just hand the ball to the official."
On What to Say
- "One might say: 'You are a fool.' To that I would say: 'Piss off.'"
- "Never hold discussions with the monkey when his mother is in the room."
- "Nothing is more difficult than to tell a mother of the loss of her son on the field of battle, so I usually start with a fart joke or two."
- "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never ever forget what it is you're about to tell people never to do. (AW FUCK.)"
- "When dealing with women in the workplace, nothing says 'good work' like a firm, open-handed slap to the behind. And if you can slip a finger or two in, so much the better."
On How to Act
- "Always be vigilant, and always be aware of your enemy's motivations, but never be so drunk as to throw up on your nice new shoes."
- "At parties, always be gracious to the ladies, just in case two of them might be interested in a threesome."
- "When abroad, I make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. However, my own country's hookers, booze, and scrambled eggs are another matter entirely."
A Selection Of Sweet Quotes From The "Give The Dog A Phone" Advert On TV
- "We know Trevor Sir Ender."
- "We never watch Eastenders."
- "We are heifer rear-enders."
- "We are clever big spenders."
- "We will sever drinks vendors."
- "We forever befriend her."
- "We whatever the sender."
^ 1. Note - This doesn't seem very funny at first, but try saying the line in a Winston Churchill voice: "Bellie Jeeen... is not... my lov-ah." If that doesn't work, well, it's an editable web site.