Unquotable:Winston Churchill

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{{q|Just kidding. Get on my level.|Oscar Wilde on the above quote}}
 
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[[image:Churchillquotes.jpg|thumb|left|"And the one rabbit said to the other, ''I shall prevail.''"]]
 
[[image:Churchillquotes.jpg|thumb|left|"And the one rabbit said to the other, ''I shall prevail.''"]]
 
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[[image:WinstonChainsawMassacre.jpg|thumb|right|"Do you enjoy head cheese?"]]
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Falsely attributing quotes to '''[[Winston Churchill]]''' was once the national sport of [[England]], and remains a popular spectator sport. Unfortunately, it was surpassed in popularity by [[Unquotable:Oscar Wilde|making up Oscar Wilde quotes]] in the inevitable War-Leader-Made-Up-Quote backlash of the early 1960s. Churchill (1874-1965) was Prime Minister of [[Great Britain]] during [[World War II]] and again from 1951-1955.
[[image:Churchillspinninghat.jpg|thumb|right|"See? I can spin my hat just like this, and lookee, I can tap dance and everything."]]
 
[[image:Yoda.jpg|thumb|right|"Never surrender, we shall."]]
 
Falsely attributing quotes to '''[[Winston Churchill]]''' was once the national sport of [[England]], and remains a popular spectator sport. Unfortunately, it was surpassed in popularity by [[Unquotable:Oscar Wilde|making up Oscar Wilde quotes]] in the inevitable War-Leader-Made-Up-Quote backlash of the early 1960s. Churchill (1874-1965) was Prime Minister of [[Great Britain]] during [[World War II]] and again from 1951-1955, and later won the [[Eurovision Song Contest]] in 1963 for his international pop hit, ''Mrs. Brown, You've Got a Lovely Cabbage."
 
   
{| style="background:#F2F495; cellpadding=4; cellspacing=8"
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'''The secret''' to successful fake-quoting of Winston Churchill is to say each quote in a bulldog-like voice, while trying to ignore the fact that bulldogs are unable to speak. Moreover, since most British bulldogs were tragically lost in the '''Mad Bulldog Disease Epidemic of 1991'''. Still, despite its decreased popularity, there are many who still strive to keep the game alive. Below is a selection of the best.
||<big>'''Disambiguation'''</big><br>
 
''For detailed information on the eminent Prime Minister and Freemason, see [[Winston Churchill]].''<br>
 
''For legal advice, see a [[lawyer|barrister]].''<br>
 
<choose>
 
<option>''For a good price on a used [[truck]], head on over to Larry's Pre-Owned Vehicles, just a mile down Route 190.''</option>
 
<option>''For advice on the proper use of genital lubricants, consult your local sex therapist.''</option>
 
<option>''For a good time, call 1-800-555-9281.''</option>
 
<option>''For a chance to win a million dollars, click <span title="here" style="cursor: pointer; color: #002bb8; text-decoration:underline">here</span>.''</option>
 
<option>''For information on the prevention of [[warts]], ask your physician.''</option>
 
<option>''For a good rate on a home equity loan, call my cousin Ted, any time, day or night.''</option>
 
<option>''For more information about [[Viagra]], consult your pharmacist.''</option>
 
</choose><br>
 
<choose>
 
<option>''For untold eons, Mighty [[Cthulhu]] has lain dead but dreaming.''</option>
 
<option>''For all eternity, our immortal [[souls]] are as cosmic dust floating on a vast sea of misery.''</option>
 
<option>''For in antique and shadowy Khem, Nyarlathotep even took'' the form of Man.</option>
 
<option>''For brief days, we laughed, lived, and loved, knowing these last days would soon end, and never return.''</option>
 
<option>''For though we eat Him in loving, though we feast on Him in desiring, let us still as hungering desire Him.''</option>
 
<option>''For a brief moment before orb was consumed, I could dimly make out the dark outline of the Shoggoth gibbering in the distance.''</option>
 
<option>''For we are the dead; short days ago we lived, felt dawn, saw sunset glow; loved, and were loved; and now we lie in Flanders fields.''</option>
 
</choose>
 
|}
 
 
'''The secret''' to successful fake-quoting of Winston Churchill is to say each quote in a bulldog-like voice, while trying to ignore the fact that bulldogs are unable to speak. Moreover, since most British bulldogs were tragically lost in the '''Mad Bulldog Disease Epidemic of 1991,''' there are few exemplars left. Still, despite its decreased popularity, there are many who still strive to keep the game alive. Below is a selection of the best.
 
   
 
==Winston Churchill's Most Famous Quotes==
 
==Winston Churchill's Most Famous Quotes==
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* "I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: 'I have nothing to offer but blood, sex, money, food, water, shelter, ice cream, monkeys, more sex, rubber bands, and twigs."
 
* "I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: 'I have nothing to offer but blood, sex, money, food, water, shelter, ice cream, monkeys, more sex, rubber bands, and twigs."
   
* "Now, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is not even the end of the beginning's end. Nor is it the beginning of the end's beginning. Nor the end's beginning of the ending, beginning with what seemed to have been the end of the beginning, when in actual fact it was the beginning of the beginning's end. But, it may be the beginnning of what ''appeared'' to be the end of the beginning of the end. That, or the middle."
+
* "Now, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is not even the end of the beginning's end. Nor is it the beginning of the end's beginning. Nor the end's beginning of the ending, beginning with what seemed to have been the end of the beginning, when in actual fact it was the beginning of the beginning's end. But, it may be the beginning of what ''appeared'' to be the end of the beginning of the end. That, or the middle."
 
* "It has been said that democracy is the worst way of throwing an anniversary bash for your wife."
 
   
 
* "There are those who would call us weak; those who would question our resolve; those who would place obstacles in our path; those who would steal our bicycles during tea, and never return them; those who would point out our grammatical inconsistencies, just to be annoying; those who would rain Devonshire cream buns down upon us; those who would blame us for failing to properly train Shane MacGowan's dentist; and those who would give aid and comfort to our Tesco employees; and to them all, I say, 'Try our delicious tinned ham products.'"
 
* "There are those who would call us weak; those who would question our resolve; those who would place obstacles in our path; those who would steal our bicycles during tea, and never return them; those who would point out our grammatical inconsistencies, just to be annoying; those who would rain Devonshire cream buns down upon us; those who would blame us for failing to properly train Shane MacGowan's dentist; and those who would give aid and comfort to our Tesco employees; and to them all, I say, 'Try our delicious tinned ham products.'"
 
* "Gentlemen, please, ''no fighting in the war room!''"
 
   
 
* "And a great Iron Curtain shall descend right the way across the bay windows of my living room"
 
* "And a great Iron Curtain shall descend right the way across the bay windows of my living room"
 
* "Government, yes, that could work..."
 
   
 
===Churchill on [[War]]===
 
===Churchill on [[War]]===
   
 
* "Thank god for the French! If it wasn't for them, the Germans would've never gotten bogged down in all that surrendering, and the Nazis would've crushed us by teatime last Thursday."
 
* "Thank god for the French! If it wasn't for them, the Germans would've never gotten bogged down in all that surrendering, and the Nazis would've crushed us by teatime last Thursday."
 
* "We shall defend our island, wherever the krauts may be... we shall fight for the bitches, we shall fight in the beach huts, we shall fight on the spanking grounds, we shall fight in the fields and in the streets, we shall fight in the hills, we shall fight on the boats, we shall fight in the sea, we shall fight ''over'' the sea, we shall fight on the pavement, we shall fight in the phone-boxes, we shall fight in the dance halls, we shall fight playing Mortal Kombat II, we shall fight over Britney or Kylie, we shall fight like the brave souls we are; we shall never surrender."
 
 
* "Herr Hitler, I ain't no holla back girl."
 
 
* "When all else fails, give up and hope they're nice."
 
   
 
* "We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire... And if we do, it shall be the enemy's fault, not ours."
 
* "We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire... And if we do, it shall be the enemy's fault, not ours."
   
* "We shall ''show'' a bit of mercy, but we shall not ask for it very nicely."
+
* "We shall ''show'' a bit of mercy, but only if they ask for it nicely."
 
* "We shall fight on the football pitches we shall fight on in the grocers, we shall fight in the butchers, the bakers (but not the candlestick makers), we shall fight in Essex at half past eleven on a Friday night, we shall fight in the chemists, we shall fight in the tourist information centres, we shall fight in the supermarket bakeries; we shall probably surrender."
 
 
* "Roosevelt says, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself,' but I say we have a hell of a lot to fear. I mean there's the Germans, the Italians, the Japanese, not to mention the Queen. Divine right to rule, ''my arse.''"
 
 
* "Veni, Vidi, Vicky."
 
   
* "We shall fight them outside, and kick their heads in, because they spilled my pint."
+
* "Roosevelt says, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself,' but I say we have a hell of a lot to fear. I mean there's the Germans, the Italians, and the Japanese.
   
 
* "What's the point, the Royals are all krauts anyway. ''We surrender.''"
 
* "What's the point, the Royals are all krauts anyway. ''We surrender.''"
Line 48: Line 34:
   
 
===Churchill on [[America]]===
 
===Churchill on [[America]]===
 
* "Meeting Franklin Delano Roosevelt was like opening your first bottle of champagne; knowing him was like getting loaded with it."
 
   
 
* "Eleanor Roosevelt is so homely shes either a man or British."
 
* "Eleanor Roosevelt is so homely shes either a man or British."
 
* "The Bank of America continues successful and even a normal activity."
 
 
* "As for Chase Bank, they closed my account after I refused to pay their bloody ATM fees."
 
   
 
* "The problem is that they're over-paid, over-sexed, and over-here. Bloody Yank tourists!"
 
* "The problem is that they're over-paid, over-sexed, and over-here. Bloody Yank tourists!"
 
* "Nigga stole my bike!"
 
 
* "I tell you I have a bad feeling, don't build two of them"
 
   
 
* "Where the hell were you people? This war started years ago!"
 
* "Where the hell were you people? This war started years ago!"
   
 
===Churchill on [[Nazi]] [[Germany]]===
 
===Churchill on [[Nazi]] [[Germany]]===
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[[image:Churchillspinninghat.jpg|thumb|right|"See? I can spin my hat just like this, and lookee, I can tap dance and everything."]]
 
* "There can never be friendship between the British democracy and the Nazi power, that power which spurns Christian ethics, which cheers its onward course by a barbarous paganism, which vaunts the spirit of aggression and conquest, which derives strength and perverted pleasure from persecution, and uses, as we have seen, with pitiless brutality, the threat of Kraftwerk albums, Werner Herzog movies, Klaus Nomi, Hermann Hesse novels, and ''blutenschnitzel'' against us."
 
* "There can never be friendship between the British democracy and the Nazi power, that power which spurns Christian ethics, which cheers its onward course by a barbarous paganism, which vaunts the spirit of aggression and conquest, which derives strength and perverted pleasure from persecution, and uses, as we have seen, with pitiless brutality, the threat of Kraftwerk albums, Werner Herzog movies, Klaus Nomi, Hermann Hesse novels, and ''blutenschnitzel'' against us."
   
 
* "Herr Hitler, if you're not using the south of France, how about swapsies for Canada and Mick-land?"
 
* "Herr Hitler, if you're not using the south of France, how about swapsies for Canada and Mick-land?"
 
* "Fuck the Germans. ''What?'' What do you mean, this microphone is 'hot'?"
 
 
* "If Hitler invaded Nazi Germany, I would make a favourable comment about Mr. Hitler in the House of Commons."
 
 
* "Hitler is old! He shoulda been outta the game YEARS ago, but he can't go home cause he hates his WIFE!! You've seen her at the Christmas parties! She's the crotch pheasant who gets plastered and calls him a RETARD!!!"
 
 
* "I bit a German once... tasted like [[cabbage]]. Very difficult to get drunk on Nazi bodily fluids, wouldn't you know. ''But I managed it!''"
 
   
 
* "I have to tell you now, that I have received no such undertaking, and in consequence this Nation must all sing together: ''Hitler has only got one ball, Goering has two but they're very small, Himmler has something similar, and poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.''"
 
* "I have to tell you now, that I have received no such undertaking, and in consequence this Nation must all sing together: ''Hitler has only got one ball, Goering has two but they're very small, Himmler has something similar, and poor old Goebbels has no balls at all.''"
Line 85: Line 53:
 
===Churchill on [[France]]===
 
===Churchill on [[France]]===
   
* "Never in the field of human conflict have so many cheese-eating surrender monkeys been owed so little by so many."
+
* "Never in the field of human conflict have so many been owed so much by so few - but there's always a boom after every bust."
 
* "''Cunts.''"
 
   
 
* "Mr. DeGaulle, you are to the war what piles are to Lester Piggott."
 
* "Mr. DeGaulle, you are to the war what piles are to Lester Piggott."
 
* "At least we lasted longer than ''they'' did."
 
   
 
* "You know, I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than to have to speak to that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion." -Overheard at the first, and last, party thrown by DeGaulle for Englishmen.
 
* "You know, I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than to have to speak to that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion." -Overheard at the first, and last, party thrown by DeGaulle for Englishmen.
 
* "All the French offer the world is wine, whiny people, and smelly cheese."
 
   
 
* "Going to war without France is like going hunting without your [[accordion]]. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
 
* "Going to war without France is like going hunting without your [[accordion]]. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
 
* "Some chicken! No really, they're all terrible cowards."
 
 
* "The French, the French, a curious race; they fight with their feet, and fuck with their face!"
 
 
* "Damned French! They're a bunch of cheese-eating surrender monkeys, and if it wasn't the for the fact....oh, bloody hell, is this thing on?"
 
 
* "The French, I find, are like grown children. They want independence, but they still want you to bail their arses out of trouble every time there's a war on."
 
 
* "Are we not supposed to go to war with the french?"
 
   
 
* "The french are like americans...too many of them"
 
* "The french are like americans...too many of them"
   
===Churchill on <strike>Checoslovaca</strike>, <strike>Czechoslovakia</strike> Cocoaslobka===
+
===Churchill on [[Wine]], [[Women]], and [[Food]]===
   
* "''Who?''"
+
* "Madam, I may be drunk, but you are a ugly. and in the morning, you will still be ugly, and I will be drunk again."
   
* Checko-slo-''what''-now?
+
* "Madam, I may be drunk, but..." [vomits uncontrollably]
   
* "They day I can spell 'Checslovka' is the day I wear my wife's stockings alongside her lace pantaloons."
+
* "A gentleman does not have a [[Recipe For Disaster|chicken salad]] sandwich without [[potato chip]]s."
 
* "I believe I caught this nce, hopefully it's catching and the bosh will have a hard time dealing with it..." Winston, not realising how close to the tuth he was.
 
 
===Churchill on [[Mars]]===
 
 
* "Here, gentlemen, I weigh a mere 40 percent of what I weigh on Earth. So, if you please, pass the tinned ham."
 
 
* "My only regret for this expedition is that, with all our power, and all our resources, we failed to provide ourselves with a ride home."
 
 
===Churchill on [[Futurama]]===
 
 
* "We will never serve Bender."
 
 
===Churchill on [[Oscar Wilde]]===
 
 
* "Oscar Wilde can kiss my chuddies."
 
 
* "Ah, you will, [[Scarfing|Oscar]], ''you will.''"
 
 
* "Gentlemen, I have grave news. I have caught the gay from Mr. Wilde, and I have been dreaming of you all night."
 
 
* "A man who likes a small cigar likes a cheroot - look at Oscar if you don't believe me."
 
 
* "I may be drunk, Miss, but in the morning I will be sober and you'll be [[Oscar Wilde]]."
 
 
===Churchill on [[LSD]]===
 
 
* "I say, look at the colours, my dear boy, the fucking colours... no, chap, just look at-hey what the fuck is that?"
 
 
* "Wow, wouldn't it be totally... rad... if we had, like, canines on the end of our fingers. Yeah, so we could totally slash things up, man. Kind of like... claws. Man, claws, whoa.
 
 
===Churchill on [[Sex]], [[Drugs]], [[Alcohol]], and [[Food]]===
 
 
* "I may be drunk, but you are a twat. And tomorrow I’ll be drunk again." ~ ''Winston Churchill''
 
 
* ''"Winston, drunk again I see?"'' "Yeah, well you're a fat bitch."
 
 
* "Madam, I may be ugly, but ''you'' are drunk." ''(vomits uncontrollably)''
 
 
* "OHHHHHH, Clemmie.....Yes(unzipping of trousers)shall I show you where I keep my big cigar?"
 
 
 
* "Madam, I may be drunk, but you shouldn't be complaining, because this beer is making you seem more and more attractive."
 
 
* "Madam, I may be drunk, but you are ugly, and in the morning, I will be ugly, and you will be the one who is drunk... ah, shit."
 
 
* "We shall, by a process of sublime irony, have reached a stage in this story where eating will be the sturdy child of terror, and regurgitating the twin brother of Norman down the road."
 
 
* "A gentleman does not have a [[Recipe For Disaster|chicken salad]] sandwich without [[Potato chip|potato chips]]."
 
 
* "You spin me right round, baby right round, like a record baby, right round round round."
 
 
* "So anyway, I got pissed at the Conservative Party conference, and they had to drag me off Margaret Thatcher."
 
   
 
* "The traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy, and the lash... and I enjoyed every single throbbing minute of my time in the Admiralty."
 
* "The traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy, and the lash... and I enjoyed every single throbbing minute of my time in the Admiralty."
 
* "I've fucked every nationality, and there's nothing dirtier than an Essex girl."
 
 
* "Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, Never, ever give up unless they offer Johnny Walker Black."
 
 
* "Excuse me, your Majesty, but did you know this antique clock of yours won't flush?"
 
   
 
* "If you have knowledge, let others light their candles with it. If you have a vagina, let others stick their candles in it."
 
* "If you have knowledge, let others light their candles with it. If you have a vagina, let others stick their candles in it."
   
* "I've had more out of alchohol than alcohol has had out of me"'''blooarrrgghh'''
+
* "I've had more out of alcohol than alcohol has had out of me"
 
* "Happy Birthday, Monica!"
 
 
*I'm not as think as you drunk I am....Take me drunk, im home!!
 
 
===Churchill on [[Ice]]===
 
 
* "We shall, she shall, we all shall for ice shall."
 
 
* "''Brrrrr!''"
 
 
* "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never ''ever'' melt the ice while I'm standing on it!"
 
 
* "''Wheeeee!''"
 
 
* "Frankly, scotch is the only thing that makes ice bearable."
 
 
* "So THAT'S what's between Margaret Thatcher's legs."
 
 
===Churchill on [[Jews]]===
 
 
* "What do you mean Hitler's killing them! You could've told me before I went and declared war on the fu...wait, is this thing on? Oh shi..."
 
 
* "From the days of Sparticus, Wieskhopf, Karl Marx, Trotsky, Rosa Luxemberg, and Emma Goldman, this world jew conspiracy has been steadily growing. This conspiracy played a definite recognizable role in the tragedy of the French revolution. It has been the mainspring of every subversive movement during the 19th century. And now at last this band of extraordinary personalities from the underworld of the great cities of Europe and America have gripped the Russian people by the hair of their head and have become the undisputed masters of that enormous empire."
 
 
===Churchill On [[Guns]]===
 
 
* "The ThoPmpson submachine gun; when you absoElutely, positively have to kill every Boche bastard in the room, accept no substitutes."
 
 
* "Gentlemen, here's my impression of Al Capone."
 
 
* "Remember; keep your boogeypicker off the bang-switch until you're ready to fire."
 
 
* "Dammit! Treat that thing like it's always loNaded, because God knows I am!"
 
 
* "Know your target and what's beyond it. If I catch you winIging the Duke of Wellington, I'll have your arse."
 
 
* "Don't point that fucking thing at anything unless you want to destrSoy it, whatever that thing is... now which thing was I talking about?"
 
 
===Churchill On [[Bread]]===
 
 
* "I know what I like and that's white, white, white." ''(Note: This may have actually been a quote on his policy regarding immigration)''
 
 
* "It's much better soaked in alcohol."
 
 
* "Pass me another bottle of sandwiches, will you mate?"
 
 
* (Looking at Shakespeare's plays) "I didn't know Breads can write as well. What do you say? He was a bard and not a bread?"
 
 
===Churchill on [[Chavs]]===
 
 
* "If you'd simply kept me as Prime Minister, we'd not have this problem, now would we?"
 
 
* "Some protest fox hunting as being cruel to the fox. Rightly so; the hunters should be running down chavs."
 
 
* "My favorite way to kill a chav is to lock him in a round room, and tell him the cigs are in the corner."
 
 
* "We've replaced this chav's White Lighting with pure water! ''Let's see what happens...''"
 
 
===Churchill on [[Martin Luther King, Jr]]===
 
 
* "I had a wet dream."
 
 
* "Whose your daddy?."
 
 
* "No seriousely dude...Who?"
 
 
* "Well ,I loved his Opera."
 
 
* "That Chap has got a hell of a point, I tell you."
 
 
* "I dont see you dreaming now White boy."
 
 
===Churchill on [[Microsoft]]===
 
 
* "What? EULA?...MY ASS!"
 
 
* "The worst thing that could happen to your ememy."
 
 
* "Bastards stole my cigar."
 
 
* "Fatal error.......ho down!."
 
 
* "Fuck that, I m getting linux biatch."
 
 
===Churchill on [[God|<strike>Stalin</strike> Stalin's moustache]]===
 
 
* "I want his moustache. I swear its the source of all his power. I mean, before the war, Stalin's army was far worse than ours. Now, he has 20 million men! where did they all come from, you ask? And I say, his moustache."
 
 
* "I swear that thing is alive."
 
 
* "I bet he cheated and drew it on with a marker pen. No man can ever bear such an awesome arrangement of facial hair."
 
 
===Churchill on [[Satan|Hitler's moustache]]===
 
 
* "He just wanted to fit in."
 
 
* "Personally, I think it's hot."
 
   
 
==Churchill's Best Advice==
 
==Churchill's Best Advice==
Line 135: Line 83:
 
* "When going to war, always be nice to the chaps who are fighting; they're probably having a rough time."
 
* "When going to war, always be nice to the chaps who are fighting; they're probably having a rough time."
   
* "If you are going through Hell, good. Fuck you. Where's the goddamned hard lemonade Lemm-OHHHHHH-nade! bitches!!"
+
* "If you are going through Hell, good. Fuck you."
   
 
* "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, ''ever'' use excessive word repetition in an attempt to achieve some sort of dramatic effect."
 
* "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, ''ever'' use excessive word repetition in an attempt to achieve some sort of dramatic effect."
Line 144: Line 92:
   
 
* "One might say: 'You are a fool.' To that I would say: 'Piss off.'"
 
* "One might say: 'You are a fool.' To that I would say: 'Piss off.'"
 
* "Never hold discussions with the monkey when his mother is in the room."
 
   
 
* "Nothing is more difficult than to tell a mother of the loss of her son on the field of battle, so I usually start with a fart joke or two."
 
* "Nothing is more difficult than to tell a mother of the loss of her son on the field of battle, so I usually start with a fart joke or two."
 
* "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never ''ever'' forget what it is you're about to tell people never to do. <small>(AW FUCK.)</small>"
 
 
* "When dealing with women in the workplace, nothing says 'good work' like a firm, open-handed slap to the behind. And if you can slip a finger or two in, so much the better."
 
   
 
===On How to Act===
 
===On How to Act===
Line 161: Line 103:
 
* "When abroad, I make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. However, my own country's hookers, booze, and scrambled [[egg]]s are another matter entirely."
 
* "When abroad, I make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. However, my own country's hookers, booze, and scrambled [[egg]]s are another matter entirely."
   
==A Selection Of Sweet Quotes From The "Give The Dog A Phone" Advert On TV==
+
==Churchill on Uncyclopedia==
   
* "We know Trevor Sir Ender."
+
* "If my legacy and all that it is worth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, "Churchill had a quote page on Uncyclopedia. This was his finest hour."
 
* "We never watch ''Eastenders.''"
 
 
* "We are heifer rear-enders."
 
 
* "We are clever big spenders."
 
 
* "We will sever drinks vendors."
 
 
* "We forever befriend her."
 
 
* "We whatever the sender."
 
   
 
==See Also==
 
==See Also==
Line 174: Line 116:
 
* [[World War II]]
 
* [[World War II]]
   
----
+
[[Category:Quaint]]
{{note|WINST1}}1. '''Note''' - This doesn't seem very funny at first, but try saying the line in a Winston Churchill voice: ''"Bellie Jeeen... is not... my lov-ah."'' If that doesn't work, well, it's an editable web site.
 
 
[[Category:Quaint|Churchill]]
 
 
[[Category:Politics of the United Kingdom]]
 
[[Category:Politics of the United Kingdom]]
  +
[[Category:British politicians]]

Latest revision as of 17:57, April 12, 2014

Churchillquotes
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ManualQuoting Policy

Falsely attributing quotes to Winston Churchill was once the national sport of England, and remains a popular spectator sport. Unfortunately, it was surpassed in popularity by making up Oscar Wilde quotes in the inevitable War-Leader-Made-Up-Quote backlash of the early 1960s. Churchill (1874-1965) was Prime Minister of Great Britain during World War II and again from 1951-1955.

The secret to successful fake-quoting of Winston Churchill is to say each quote in a bulldog-like voice, while trying to ignore the fact that bulldogs are unable to speak. Moreover, since most British bulldogs were tragically lost in the Mad Bulldog Disease Epidemic of 1991. Still, despite its decreased popularity, there are many who still strive to keep the game alive. Below is a selection of the best.

edit Winston Churchill's Most Famous Quotes

edit Churchill on Government

  • "I would say to the House, as I said to those who have joined this Government: 'I have nothing to offer but blood, sex, money, food, water, shelter, ice cream, monkeys, more sex, rubber bands, and twigs."
  • "Now, this is not the end. It is not even the beginning of the end. It is not even the end of the beginning's end. Nor is it the beginning of the end's beginning. Nor the end's beginning of the ending, beginning with what seemed to have been the end of the beginning, when in actual fact it was the beginning of the beginning's end. But, it may be the beginning of what appeared to be the end of the beginning of the end. That, or the middle."
  • "There are those who would call us weak; those who would question our resolve; those who would place obstacles in our path; those who would steal our bicycles during tea, and never return them; those who would point out our grammatical inconsistencies, just to be annoying; those who would rain Devonshire cream buns down upon us; those who would blame us for failing to properly train Shane MacGowan's dentist; and those who would give aid and comfort to our Tesco employees; and to them all, I say, 'Try our delicious tinned ham products.'"
  • "And a great Iron Curtain shall descend right the way across the bay windows of my living room"

edit Churchill on War

  • "Thank god for the French! If it wasn't for them, the Germans would've never gotten bogged down in all that surrendering, and the Nazis would've crushed us by teatime last Thursday."
  • "We shall not fail or falter; we shall not weaken or tire... And if we do, it shall be the enemy's fault, not ours."
  • "We shall show a bit of mercy, but only if they ask for it nicely."
  • "Roosevelt says, 'We have nothing to fear but fear itself,' but I say we have a hell of a lot to fear. I mean there's the Germans, the Italians, and the Japanese.
  • "What's the point, the Royals are all krauts anyway. We surrender."
  • "I'd be in the trenches myself, but I am smarter than that."
  • "I have had it with these mothafuckin' Germans in these mothafuckin' planes!"

edit Churchill on America

  • "Eleanor Roosevelt is so homely shes either a man or British."
  • "The problem is that they're over-paid, over-sexed, and over-here. Bloody Yank tourists!"
  • "Where the hell were you people? This war started years ago!"

edit Churchill on Nazi Germany

Churchillspinninghat
"See? I can spin my hat just like this, and lookee, I can tap dance and everything."
  • "There can never be friendship between the British democracy and the Nazi power, that power which spurns Christian ethics, which cheers its onward course by a barbarous paganism, which vaunts the spirit of aggression and conquest, which derives strength and perverted pleasure from persecution, and uses, as we have seen, with pitiless brutality, the threat of Kraftwerk albums, Werner Herzog movies, Klaus Nomi, Hermann Hesse novels, and blutenschnitzel against us."
  • "Herr Hitler, if you're not using the south of France, how about swapsies for Canada and Mick-land?"
  • "I have to tell you now, that I have received no such undertaking, and in consequence this Nation must all sing together: Hitler has only got one ball, Goering has two but they're very small, Himmler has something similar, and poor old Goebbels has no balls at all."
  • "There are forgotten words, nay almost forbidden words, which means more to me than any other. Those words are "Two World Wars and One World Cup!""

edit Churchill on France

  • "Never in the field of human conflict have so many been owed so much by so few - but there's always a boom after every bust."
  • "Mr. DeGaulle, you are to the war what piles are to Lester Piggott."
  • "You know, I'd rather have my bottom impaled on a giant cactus than to have to speak to that jumped-up Frenchman. As far as I'm concerned, the only thing the French should be allowed to host is an invasion." -Overheard at the first, and last, party thrown by DeGaulle for Englishmen.
  • "Going to war without France is like going hunting without your accordion. All you do is leave behind a lot of noisy baggage."
  • "The french are like americans...too many of them"

edit Churchill on Wine, Women, and Food

  • "Madam, I may be drunk, but you are a ugly. and in the morning, you will still be ugly, and I will be drunk again."
  • "Madam, I may be drunk, but..." [vomits uncontrollably]
  • "The traditions of the Royal Navy are rum, sodomy, and the lash... and I enjoyed every single throbbing minute of my time in the Admiralty."
  • "If you have knowledge, let others light their candles with it. If you have a vagina, let others stick their candles in it."
  • "I've had more out of alcohol than alcohol has had out of me"

edit Churchill's Best Advice

edit On What to Do

  • "When going to war, always be nice to the chaps who are fighting; they're probably having a rough time."
  • "If you are going through Hell, good. Fuck you."
  • "Never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, never, ever use excessive word repetition in an attempt to achieve some sort of dramatic effect."
  • "When you finally cross the line and reach your destination, gloat not, but rather act like you have been there before. Just hand the ball to the official."

edit On What to Say

  • "One might say: 'You are a fool.' To that I would say: 'Piss off.'"
  • "Nothing is more difficult than to tell a mother of the loss of her son on the field of battle, so I usually start with a fart joke or two."

edit On How to Act

  • "Always be vigilant, and always be aware of your enemy's motivations, but never be so drunk as to throw up on your nice new shoes."
  • "At parties, always be gracious to the ladies, just in case two of them might be interested in a threesome."
  • "When abroad, I make it a rule never to criticize or attack the government of my own country. However, my own country's hookers, booze, and scrambled eggs are another matter entirely."

edit Churchill on Uncyclopedia

  • "If my legacy and all that it is worth lasts for a thousand years, men will still say, "Churchill had a quote page on Uncyclopedia. This was his finest hour."

edit See Also

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