Unquotable:QUAKK

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QUAKK

"Hi! I'm on the job 7 minutes a day, 1 day a week!"

People

Oscar WildeBenjamin FranklinWinston ChurchillAlbert Einstein
Christopher WalkenSun-Tzu
Founding FathersMark Twain
Noel CowardArthur C. Clarke
William ShatnerYoda
Thomas Jefferson AristotleCharles Darwin
VoltaireJohn F. Kennedy
Keanu ReevesWhatnotDan Quayle
Captain ObliviousNietzscheC-3PO

Deities

GodJesus ChristCthulhuSatan

See Also

HamletLast Words
MnemonicsHELPNew User Guide
ManualQuoting Policy

The Quasi-Unquotable Automatic Kwote Killer (QUAKK) is a special software construct desiged to hunt down and destroy stupid and unfunny quotes written by people other than you on behalf of other people other than you. It began its beta testing phase on January 1, 2006, and was unleashed on Uncyclopedia's production database July 31, 2014 at approximately 5:00 AM UTC.

Purpose

The purpose of QUAKK is twofold. (No, not "to fold"; you're thinking of Folding@Home, which is completely different.) First, QUAKK does a simple word search and vaporizes any quotes containing the word "platypus." Then, it takes a two-hour lunch break. Afterwards, it returns to the office and plays Solitaire and Freecell for several hours, and then vaporizes several more quotes, completely at random. Once finished, it begins downloading cheap tentacle porn from any computer it can find, preferably yours, if you were foolish enough to leave it running unattended. Then it goes to sleep for 15 minutes, during which time you can pretty much post anything you want.

Hold on there, pardner - it's proprietary!

Unlike virtually everything else on Uncyclopedia, QUAKK is completely proprietary software owned by a mysterious transnational software conglomerate called Joe's Pizza Caboose (JPC). JPC's vast team of programmers works around the clock to update QUAKK with URL's to the latest hardcore XXX websites, so that it can always get the latest material. Technically, this material is morally and ethically bankrupt; it also contributes to the abuse and exploitation of women, children, and homosexual men who wear too much leather. Uncyclopedia does not condone the exploitation of these individuals. We just want to see the pictures, that's all.

QUAKK is, by far, one of the most high-tech devices in existence. It is comprised primarily of your old pop cans and thrown-away computers. It uses French tickler condoms as shoes, so that it can use the lubrication from them to slide around to wherever it needs to go. It can also use your mom's old tampons as antennae, in order to more efficiently communicate with its alien insect-overlord masters.

If you're one of those "open source" geeks and wish to see the highly sophisticated Q-BASIC source code for QUAKK, you'll have to buy JPC outright. Luckily, their stock is still worth a total of only about 45¢ in US coinage.

What to do if you find QUAKK has deleted your quote?

Don't panic. In most cases, QUAKK has simply made a mistake. For example, how about that edit you made yesterday, where you had Oscar Wilde saying, "All your base are belong to us"? Surely that would never have been deleted intentionally. And the other day, when you added one to Winston Churchill's page, the one that said, "UR SO GHEY LOL?" Surely no entity, automated or otherwise, could possibly have thought that to be anything less than the work of a monumental genius, a stupendously witty word-artist, a truly sterling example of humanity's creative impulse in full flower.

Unfortunately, there's nothing you can do. QUAKK's decision is final. Don't get upset, but... well, just go away.

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